Four decades ago, when I got married, I asked to have the words “and to obey” removed from my wedding vows: “for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey . . .” As a female executive and partner in an advertising agency, my egalitarian instincts ran deep. I was a Christian, and I also wholeheartedly believed a woman could and should hold any position a man might if she were able. It hadn’t occurred to me that some callings might have been designed by God for men and others for women. It felt normal to be part of a church with women in pastoral and other leadership positions. Submitting as a woman seemed like an old-fashioned idea.

Today, however, I joyfully embrace the biblical vision of sexual complementarity. I am living proof that a wife can change from being offended at the very word submit to celebrating the beauty of God’s plan for men and women, husbands and wives. I want to offer my story as an encouragement to men whose wives have not yet seen the beauty and the kindness of the Lord in assigning them the calling to follow and support a godly man.

So, what happened? And how did my husband help me to change?

Revolution by Revelation

In embracing biblical femininity, I clearly did not take my cues from our society. The world we live in today has moved radically to deny the differences between men and women. It scoffs at the idea that God might have created men for greater authority and responsibility and accountability. Even some evangelicals deny male headship.

The mainline Protestant church I attended certainly did. We had women in leadership at every level. Yet by God’s grace, that’s where my change began.

The church appointed me as the lay leader of the congregation, the highest role a layperson could hold, and they chose me over — wait for it — my own husband. Our pastor had put my husband’s name before the committee, and when an objection was raised against him, they selected me.

This appointment cast a dark shadow over our marriage. Both my husband and I felt something was deeply wrong. Eventually, we left that egalitarian church (and all the controversy that boiled in that denomination) and found a wonderful church that preached through the Bible line by line. My husband and I fell in love with Scripture, including God’s good design for men and women. And my understanding changed as I grew to see God’s good plan.

This new church was led by a team of good, kind, godly men. These pastors believed God. They believed he had designed men and women differently and had assigned men primary leadership responsibility. They knew their Bibles and demonstrated godly character. They led, taught, shepherded, and counseled courageously. There was a palpable sense of God’s power that seemed to flow through the obedience of these men. Under their care, I felt such a tremendous sense of relief. My husband did too.

Our souls flourished. Our church life flourished. Our marriage flourished. And 26 years later, God’s design continues to feel more and more right.

The Man of My Change

In telling my story of change, my particular burden is to encourage godly men whose wives are still captured by the siren song of feminism. The call for women to claim their “rights” and not be denied the opportunity to use their gifts any way they desire is loud and alluring. The propaganda hides the pride at the root of this demand. Like Eve, some women believe the lie that God (through men) has denied her something she is entitled to. Did God really say . . . ? In misunderstanding, women have missed the beautiful, privileged calling God has assigned to us.

God was kind to take my husband and me along the road to understanding and embracing his plan together, but I know that is not true for everyone. To faithful husbands with wives who won’t follow, I say there is hope. Do not lose heart. I was once a woman like your wife, and God used my husband to help change me. So, allow me to share five things I saw God doing in my husband that helped me to embrace my biblical calling.

1. He walked more closely with Jesus.

Even more than your calling as husband, you are first a man of God. God calls you to be transformed day by day as you walk with Christ (1 John 2:6; Ephesians 5:1–2). When this is your aim, Christ will help you lead with his strength. The teaching we were receiving in our new church inspired my husband to spend more time in the word, to be more involved in friendships with other godly men, and, gradually, to be more convicted by and repentant of his own sin. When we were praying together, he would often confess in ways that melted my heart. I could see God’s hand working in him, and it touched me deeply.

What does Paul pray unceasingly for the Colossian church? That they “may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God” (Colossians 1:9–10). This is what God wants for all Christians: walk well, bear fruit, know God. If you are faithful in this, you will bless your marriage and be an example for your wife.

2. He became a more godly man.

You may be tempted to focus on changing your wife, but only God can change her heart. God can use you, however. A good place to begin is by being the kind of man your wife will respect.

“Like Eve, some women believe the lie that God (through men) has denied her something she is entitled to.”

If you “walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:1–2); if you are “tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32); if your love is patient and kind, if it doesn’t boast, if it isn’t arrogant or rude, if you don’t insist on your own way, and if you are not irritable or resentful (1 Corinthians 13:4–5); if you keep your word, letting your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no (James 5:12); if you strive to display these qualities and bear the fruit of the Spirit, you will create a climate in your home that God may use to soften the heart of your wife. I saw more of all of these qualities emerging in my husband as we grew in right understanding of God’s word. (It also doesn’t hurt that my husband has a great sense of humor and can apply it to his own faults and in his correction of me.)

Of course, God calls your wife to embrace these qualities too, but don’t worry about her for now. Are you striving to be a godly man? If so, wait and see what God will do. My husband’s example still blesses me and stirs in me a desire to be a better woman.

3. He heartily embraced God’s call to husbands.

In God’s kindness, the first Sunday school class my husband and I attended in our new church was on Ephesians 5:22–33. That class deeply convicted my husband about his responsibility to strive to present me before Christ without spot or wrinkle.

What did Ephesians 5:26 tell him to do? Wash her in the word! He has been washing me in the word nearly every morning since. Are you washing your wife in the word? Are you reading Scripture together and talking about what you see? Are you eager to tell her something you read in the Bible that encouraged you and might encourage her? Are you bathing her with gospel truth when she is discouraged? Do you want to cherish and nourish her as much as you cherish and nourish yourself? Are you in a church that preaches God’s word faithfully, even the most challenging portions?

If your wife embraces egalitarianism, immersing yourself and her in God’s word may help her see God as loving and trustworthy and his plans as glorious — including his plans for husbands and wives.

4. He showed patience.

We all struggle with patience, that difficult fruit of the Spirit, but trusting God’s timing is so good. Does your desire for your wife accord with God’s plan? Then trust that he is working, even when you can’t see it happening. We were in that egalitarian church for eighteen years, and I served as lay leader for several years, and you know what? God was working throughout that whole time. I am still naturally strong-willed and sometimes struggle with speaking before carefully thinking and praying, and most of the time my husband remains patient. I am so grateful!

“With patience a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue will break a bone” (Proverbs 25:15). If patience can persuade a ruler, then it can certainly persuade a mistaken wife.

5. He prayed for me.

One of the ways God has transformed my heart is by revealing more and more of the incredible power of prayer. My husband prays with me and for me nearly every day in our devotional time. Nearly every day, he thanks God for the gift of being married to me! Do you pray fully confident that God hears and has the power to change your wife’s heart? Dear reader, pray scriptural truth boldly for yourself and your wife. Pray for God to help you be the man and husband he calls you to be. Pray for God to bless your wife and cause her faith to flourish.

More privately, pray for God to help your wife’s love for Christ and her respect for you to grow. Pray for God to soften your wife’s heart so she can see his beautiful plan for men and women. Pray for God to strengthen your faith and help you believe he can do all these things and more. Because he can.

God’s plans for men and women are truly glorious. Husbands and wives will never be satisfied until we align our will with God’s and live the way he intended. Husbands, lead your wives in a way that displays the glorious plan of God. This is his will for you and your marriage. Do your part with joy and faith, and leave the results to him. If your wife doesn’t change, remain godly and faithful anyway. No matter what your wife chooses to do, God’s will for you remains.

And do not give up. “Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him” (James 1:12).

For Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. (Genesis 2:20)

Helper. Many women in our day have chafed at this word, at this characterization of our calling from God. A helper is clearly not in charge. A helper is not usually center stage. A helper may feel (and rightly!) that she has gifts and talents that enable her to do the work better. A helper rarely gets as much recognition for her work. A helper may feel like a second-class citizen. And we could go on.

Some of these assumptions may be true, some are outright lies, but all of them miss the point. Each of the above statements comes from the perspective of fallen creatures, socialized in the modern world; none seriously attempts to consider what the Creator himself had in mind when he designed and assigned callings to men and women.

“When God created male and female, he did not mean to glorify men and demean women.”

When God created male and female, he did not mean to glorify men and demean women, as if helper somehow meant lesser. God created humans — men and women together — as the pinnacle of all creation, crafting both in his very image (Genesis 1:27). He created them with distinct and complementary attributes, inclinations, and gifts that make them indispensable to one another and to his plan for filling the earth with his glory.

Helper with Equal Honor

Now, God did make man first, and he gave man the primary responsibility (and accountability) for the outworking of his plan (Genesis 2:7, 15–17; 1 Timothy 2:13) to extend his glory (Ephesians 1:10). But by giving man primary responsibility and accountability, did God intend for Adam to be a mini-god on earth, decisively higher than his wife, who was also made in God’s image?

No. Before God made Eve from Adam, he humbled Adam by permitting him to discover how impossible his task would be without help — God’s help and human help. God had already indicated that it was not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18), but then he set Adam to naming all the animals, building to the discovery that “there was not found a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:19–20). Then, at the creation of Eve, Adam’s “at last” shows the relief and delight he felt (Genesis 2:23). He knew he needed a helper for this mission.

Woman, then, was not created as a subjugated slave, but as a means of mutual blessing for them both. She was, and is, an essential partner and helper in the grand work of subduing the creation and filling the earth with God’s imagers, giving glory upon glory to the eternally worthy God.

The twisted lie that Adam is more important, that Adam’s call means power and privilege, and Eve’s subjugation, springs out of the pride that human hearts have harbored since the fall. Men too often have been puffed up to lead with domineering power, and women too often have been puffed up with righteous indignation, asserting that they have just as much of a right to power and privilege as men do.

“Self-centered, bullying leadership was never God’s plan. Neither was self-centered resentment when called to help.”

Of course, Adam could not assume responsibility (and accountability) without the associated ability (and burden) to make critical decisions. But all throughout the Bible, and especially in the life of Jesus, we see that every earthly power is subject to the righteous and holy God. A holy exercise of any ability may not please everyone, but it is never to be self-serving or oppressive, and is always to be characterized by humility and self-sacrifice. Self-centered, bullying leadership was never God’s call. Neither was self-centered resentment when called to be helper.

Pride on Both Sides

At this point, I expect some women today want to say, “But men’s leadership throughout the ages has rarely reflected humility and self-sacrifice. Men have abused power and oppressed women (and others) in every generation!” Yes, they surely have. And I’m not excusing that in any way. To the contrary, we long and pray for justice in this earthly life, and my soul trembles when I see men misuse their authority. If you believe for a moment that a righteous and holy God will not hold men accountable for such sinful behavior, you are not familiar with the God of the Bible. Judgment is real, and it is coming.

At the same time, we can’t condemn men without acknowledging that women, too, have been guilty of being more concerned about our own image, advancement, power, and perhaps even “rights” than about honoring our God by being the kind of people he made us to be. God’s people were made to humbly, sacrificially, and joyfully welcome the privilege of their God-given callings and delight to reflect God’s own beauty and righteousness in those callings. Oh, how men and women should both fall on our faces in repentance — and thanksgiving — as we acknowledge our failures and lean on God’s loving grace through Jesus.

Exceptions and the Rule

We cannot escape the conclusion, then, that God made men to act as the head of our homes and our churches. In a few cases in the Bible, as a desperate measure revealing desperate times, God called women to leadership roles typically assigned to men, but Scripture doesn’t suggest that God altered his original plan. There is no indication, for example, that after Deborah there were a growing number of women judges (Judges 4:1–16), or that Abigail, after quietly taking initiative to protect her community from the poor judgment of her “worthless” husband (1 Samuel 25:14–35), and later married David, took charge in that relationship.

When Jesus enters the picture in the Gospels, we do see women deeply involved in and around his ministry (as in Luke 8:1–3). If anyone would have been justified in lording his power and position over others, it would have been Jesus, but he never led that way (Mark 10:42–45). He clearly loved and welcomed women’s contributions to the ministry. At the same time, however, Jesus did not name women among his Twelve. Paul, too, treats women with a remarkably high regard throughout his ministry, even commending Phoebe as his messenger to the church of Rome (Romans 16:1–2), but he clearly did not ordain women as pastor-elders (1 Timothy 2:12–3:7).

God’s ways often turn ours upside down, but this we know for sure: God does not want us to sin and rebel against him, but to see the all-surpassing wisdom and love behind his design and eagerly dedicate our lives to his call. We bring glory to God when we believe and joyfully obey him.

Are We Helping?

Sisters in Christ, it is wonderful that God has called us to be helpers. We are helpers in God’s very image, and we alone are made to bear God’s image-bearers. What a sacred and holy responsibility! If God has given you a husband, you were made to fit with and help this man whom God has charged with leadership. If you aren’t (yet) married, but would like to be, the word helper is a reminder to be wise and discerning before accepting a husband. Choose a godly man you will gladly help as he leads.

If we humble ourselves before our God, we will have the opportunity to use our faith, creativity, discernment, gifts, and abilities to join with, build up, and encourage husbands, pastors, and other male leaders. If we bring a humble servant-heart and true joy in Jesus to our task, who knows how we might change relational dynamics and contribute far more than we can think or imagine?

Are we helping? Is our spirit filled with discontent and envy at the calling God has given us, or are we delighted to be given such an important opportunity to rule and reign with our men under Christ? Are we judging rather than trying to understand? Are we critical rather than compassionate and encouraging? Are we faithful — trusting that God has placed the male leaders in our lives for his good purposes?

Women, let’s set aside our own distorted views of what it means to help and ask God to show us how he planned this calling to be a blessing to us, to the men in our lives, to our community, and to all creation. We live and serve to please One, and he delighted to make us helpers in his grand plan. Oh, that we may delight in this calling too.