Two Hearts That Work as One: How Adventure Makes Sense of Marriage
Marriage and adventure. How do these fit together? Are they friends or rivals? Does the wedding ring throw wide the door to mission or dead-end in a cul-de-sac of domestic boredom? Does “I do” initiate an epic quest or end one?
As I see it, there are three main views on how marriage and adventure relate: Marriage ends adventure. Marriage completes adventure. Marriage means adventure.
The view we take will shape not only our experience of marriage but also our eagerness to press into the unique callings God gives husbands and wives. The urgency of leading and following often rises or falls on our sense of adventure. The happy hierarchy of head and body thrives on quest.
Marriage’s Adventure
Marriage ends adventure. This is the “old ball and chain” vision of marriage: Bachelordom names a magical land of limitless potential, unfettered by covenant commitments. Single means free. And the wedding ring, though disguised with gold and diamonds, binds in wed-lock. It’s a trap. Tying the knot maroons you in the doldrums of domestic duty.
On this view, the married person spends their life with what-is constantly shackling what-could-have-been. Thus, marriage hamstrings the adventures of life.
Marriage completes adventure. The story repeats ad nauseam. It goes something like this. A hero has an epic quest to fulfill: a dragon to fight, a medal to win, a house to buy, a ladder to climb, a platform to build. A special someone dogs his steps, but romance must wait because she would be a distraction from the mission. Only once the quest concludes does the hero feel accomplished enough to settle down.
Here career, dreams, goals must never submit to the yoke. Marriage competes with adventure; therefore, it can only complete adventure. She is a trophy hoisted after triumph. He is a crown worn in the conquest parade. This view makes marriage not a foundation to build upon but a capstone to decorate. A ring will be a fine addition to the trophy room once the walls are mostly lined.
Marriage means adventure. Perhaps the poet Homer best expressed this view in his Odyssey:
No finer, greater gift in all the world than that . . .man and woman posses their home, two minds,two hearts that work as one. Despair to their enemies,a joy to all their friends. Their own best claim to glory. (6.199–203)
In this magnificent vision, marriage not only means adventure; it is a crucial means of adventure. She is not (merely) a prize but a partner — yes, a crown, but more a companion. She helps him complete the quest. Like Gandalf, marriage pushes couples out the front door onto a road fraught with adventure.
The Quest of the Ring
So, reader, which view of marriage fits the contours of your imagination? Whether single or married, newlywed or decades in, your view of how marriage connects to mission has consequences that will echo through eternity.
The first two views dominate our day. They are everywhere. Yet how great the chasm that lies between those distortions and the Bible’s vision of marriage! In the pages of holy writ, marriage means adventure. God calls it into being for a mission, for work and weal — indeed, for despair to foes and delight to friends.
However, because we are constantly catechized by the anti-adventure views, they likely have shaped your vision of wedlock. So it’s worth clarifying: If marriage is the means of adventure, what is that adventure? What did God make it to do? Consider four distinct (but overlapping) aspects of the mission of marriage.
1. The Grand Adventure
To start, what is the chief end of marriage? What did God make it for? Well, marriage shares the same answer with all things related to man — whether institutions, governments, tools, or art. The chief end of marriage is to help man glorify God by enjoying him forever. Glory by gladness is the Grand Adventure of marriage.
But it’s worth pressing a bit further. How does marriage serve the quest of enjoying God?
First, marriage tells the grand tale of God’s love. Each union of husband and wife is a living picture book of the covenant romance of Christ and his bride (Ephesians 5:22–33). God tells the best stories, and he is not content to tell his greatest tale only once. He will not only be all; he will be all in all. So he retells his grand story through the substory of every (godly) marriage. God wrote the Great Story first. Christ and his bride are the original. And then he created the image of marriage to body-forth to the world the drama of the hero slaying the dragon to win his bride so he can reign with her forever.
“The chief end of marriage is to help man glorify God by enjoying him forever.”
Second, marriage helps free us to enjoy God by making us more holy, that happy requirement for seeing the Lord (Hebrews 12:14). In this, marriage imitates Christ’s aim for his bride (Ephesians 5:25–27). The covenant provides a foundation for stable spiritual friendship in which both man and woman work to uncover what Tim Keller calls “the glory self,” that being God has designed you to become: Godlike, huge in happiness, cloaked in the weighty robes of glory (2 Corinthians 4:16–18).
Thus, faithful marriages provide a taste of Trinitarian fullness — love, holiness, and happiness. Matrimony is a God-given means of going further up and further in.
2. The General Adventure
Under the bright banner of the Grand Adventure, God has commissioned all marriages to undertake two more specific adventures. Let us call the first the General Adventure. God issued this quest to the very first couple:
God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” (Genesis 1:28)
The scope of this commission takes the breath away! Here we have a cultural mandate that makes all the epics and all the quests of fiction pale in comparison. God’s original mission for us has three components:
Have lots of little ones that bear my image everywhere.
Draw out and enrich the intrinsic goodness of my world.
Be kings and queens over my lesser creatures.
What an adventure!
The man could not complete this mission alone. Fruitfulness requires another. After giving the animals names that fit their natures, Adam knew he needed, and yet lacked, a helper to fulfill God’s massive missive. God then created woman as a helpmate (Genesis 2:19–24). The General Adventure demands both husband and wife, but not in the same way. They are not interchangeable widgets. He is oriented toward the garden, the ground from which he came. She is oriented toward the gardener, the man from which she came. The man needs the help; the woman fits the need (1 Corinthians 11:9). Together, and only together, are they meet for God’s mission. The adventure takes two — both body and head.
3. The Great Adventure
God never revoked this original mission, but when the new Adam came into power, he advanced it with a new commission:
All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age. (Matthew 28:18–20)
King Jesus sends his people on the Great Adventure of declaring his name where they don’t know him, bearing his authority where they oppose him, and showing his beauty where they don’t treasure him. In the wake of his utter triumph over the cosmic powers of darkness and his trampling of death in the dirt, the newly crowned King of kings issues a kingdom manifesto to his citizens. All that the god of this world tempted me with, I have plundered from him. I have dominion. The nations are mine. Go and reclaim them. Summon my elect from the very fringes of the world to come to my wedding feast. Bear much fruit. Wear my name and wield my words.
The General and the Great step in harmony. And though kingdom-minded singles play a crucial role in the Great Adventure (1 Corinthians 7:32), marriage remains God’s normative means of accomplishing both missions. Godly men and godly women make godly marriages with the fruit of godly children. These godly families form godly churches that blossom into godly communities with godly culture. And those godly outposts spread their godly joy over lands and across seas. Thus, the gospel marches forth to the beat of hymns sung at family tables. It advances as faithful couples step across lawns and continents with grace in their blood and joy in their bones.
God loves to make Christ-centered marriages disproportionately fruitful in building his kingdom. Marriage was made for this.
4. The Given Adventures
Under the banner of the Grand, General, and Great, which all marriages share, each individual marriage has a Given Adventure — a particular quest, mission, or endeavor, a unique part God wrote that marriage to play. Far from ending dreams, marriage makes them possible.
My wife and I have a purpose statement that flies over everything we do:
Our purpose is to magnify the glory of the triune God by fully enjoying him and by working for the joy of all people in King Jesus as the only source of truth, goodness, and beauty.
Though you might change our wording, this banner flies over every marriage. It is our attempt to capture the Grand, General, and Great. Yet, that purpose can be fulfilled in a million ways, a billion ways, in as many ways as there are individuals God created. So we had to get more specific. How exactly has God equipped our family — with desires, gifts, and dreams — to fulfill that purpose? What is our Given Adventure? After much prayer, I discerned:
Our happy quest is to wield imaginative language — with all skill and subcreative capacity, in all its forms and with all its enchanting power — to awaken joy as a signpost to the triune God.
In short, we aim to kindle desire for God with fittingly beautiful words. This quest perfectly marries my deep love of words and subcreation with my wife’s storytelling skills and unflagging support. I’ve niggled with the wording (as you’d expect) over the years, but this has been our adventure for creeping up on a decade. God willing, we will pour out the rest of our lives on this path. It is the Manley quest.
Discern Your Quest
Brothers, as the head, you set direction. Have you embraced the Grand, General, and Great Adventures revealed in God’s word? Have you discerned the Given Adventure God has for you? If you’re married, how can she help if you have no holy ambitions to strive for? If you’re not yet married, there is no better way to find a good helpmate than a Given Adventure (and a man on mission is very attractive). If you don’t know your quest, ask God to guide you. What skills (confirmed by others) has he given you to hone and husband? What good desires blaze in your heart?
Treasure these up and try to write a sentence capturing your family mission. Write it in pencil, knowing God may shift it as he will. Let wise counselors speak into it. Test it. Invite your wife to sharpen and beautify it. And then spend your life on that path!
God designed the whole affair of marriage to be wildly, uncomfortably adventurous. As with Gandalf, tales and adventures sprout up wherever godly marriages are found. They always have, and that’s the point.