Pornography is not new. Archeological discoveries testify that fascination with sexual portrayals is nearly as old as humanity. Yet our times present new challenges. Technological advancements coupled with moral corrosion are increasing the accessibility and normality of pornography at a dizzying rate. This poses a tremendous threat (and opportunity) for parents. We are raising children in a more pornographic world.

Roughly three thousand years ago, a father wisely spoke to his sons about the same ultimate dangers our children face today. Pornography was not as prevalent, but sexual temptation abounded. So, Solomon spent precious time talking with his sons about the dangers and delights of sexuality. I’m convinced his wisdom is still applicable to us today as we lead our sons and daughters. What follows is not a full-scale parenting plan, but nine principles to consider as we parent in a pornified age.

1. Cultivate the conversation.

Whether you like it or not, the world is having a sexualized conversation with your children. As parents, we aim to not be like Adam, who stood by as the serpent threatened his family (Genesis 3:6). Rather, we engage our children in conversation about all topics — including sex and pornography. Throughout Proverbs, Solomon models this initiative. Right at the outset, he says, “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching” (Proverbs 1:8). Solomon repeats the call no less than 25 times in the book. He has an ever-evolving conversation with his son about every arena of life.

Satan wants you to feel uncomfortable talking with your kids about intimate issues. Don’t let him deceive you. Children are hardwired to desire parental care and leadership. They are grateful when their parents lovingly engage in conversations about the blessings and dangers of life. So, wise parents set a tone in the home that encourages and rewards open, honest, ongoing dialogue.

“Wise parents set a tone in the home that encourages and rewards open, honest, ongoing dialogue.”

The more you have normal conversations with your children about sex, the easier it becomes to have serious ones. Talk about sex as you would talk about other significant life topics. When they ask questions, answer them honestly and appropriately. This eases awkwardness and builds rapport in preparation for the serious conversations you know are coming. Solomon revisited the subject with his sons four times in the first seven chapters of Proverbs. This suggests that ongoing conversations are more natural than one or two big scheduled meetings.

As your children grow, the tenor and content will develop as well. Speak with younger children about appreciating beauty, protecting private parts, God’s design for sex, and knowing the difference between good pictures and bad pictures. Introducing these topics early will pave the way for more thorough conversations in the future. Reading the Bible from cover to cover as a family will provide no shortage of opportunities to talk about sex, temptation, and God’s help to deliver.
Above all else, remember that God is a good Father who loves to give wisdom to his children when we ask (Luke 11:5–13). Solomon pled for wisdom to care for those under his leadership, and we must do the same (1 Kings 3:9; James 1:5).

2. Encourage honesty.

Telling the truth can be terrifying for children, especially when the truth involves sexual sin and temptation. Shame, fear, and awkwardness will tempt them to retreat and hide. Wise parents tenderly lead them down paths of truth in every area of life, including conversations about pornography.

Recently, a mother from our church shared that her son was shown porn by a friend at school. She was scared and didn’t know how to respond. While it was a sad moment, we celebrated the fact that her son brought the incident to her. He didn’t always tell the truth, but that time he did. Praise God.

Regularly ask age-appropriate questions about what your children are seeing online. For example:

Have any friends or family members ever shown you inappropriate pictures?
Have you ever accidentally seen inappropriate pictures or read inappropriate stories?
Have you looked up anything you know might be wrong?

As you ask questions like these, assure them that no matter what, you’ll always love them. They may feel awkward, shameful, or fearful to tell the truth. Be patient with them and give them time to process. Open the door for them to come back to you anytime if they remember something they need to tell you.

If your children admit to looking at pornography, don’t shame them. Meet their honesty with appreciation. Thank them for being brave and talking with you. Ask if they have any questions they want to process with you. Spend time in prayer with them, asking God to protect and heal them. If your child gets caught looking at pornography and tries covering it up, remind him that people have been tempted to hide sin since the beginning (Genesis 3:7–8).

3. Guide their curiosity.

God created us to be curious. It is natural and good for children to consider their bodies, desires, and the words they hear. Parents do well to encourage curiosity and point children toward God’s beautiful design. At the same time, exploration can also be dangerous.

Satan wants to sabotage our curiosity and corrupt wholesome wonder with sinful investigation. He knows that early exposure to pornography or sexual experiences can deeply shape brain development and confuse affections. This is why we help our children “keep [their] heart with all vigilance” (Proverbs 4:23). This can happen with planned conversations, but most opportunities show up in daily life (Deuteronomy 6:6–7).

Years ago, our family passed a Victoria’s Secret store while walking through a shopping center. My children’s eyes were instinctively drawn to look at the pictures of nearly nude women hanging in the window. Without scolding them, my wife and I inquired, “Why do you think we were drawn to those pictures?” The encounter provided an opportunity to remind them that the reason we’re drawn to beauty is that God is beautiful, and we’re created to enjoy him (Psalm 27:4).

But Satan takes good things God created and twists them in a way that tempts us to look away from God. God created the women in the pictures to reflect his image and point people to him. But Satan tempted the models to misuse their beauty and tempted us to treat them like something to consume instead of someone to love.

Opportunities for instruction are endless. Parents can pray for God’s help to notice opportunities and to winsomely assure our children that curiosity is to be guided and guarded by God’s word. Curiosity that leads to celebrating God’s creative wonder is good, but sinful curiosity leads to great danger. We must teach them the difference.

4. Warn of danger.

Solomon soberly warns his son of sin’s dangers. He cautions him that following forbidden lovers will steal innocence, honor, reputation, health, livelihood, and even his very life (Proverbs 5:7–14). He who succumbs “destroys himself. He will get wounds and dishonor. . . . It will cost him his life” (Proverbs 6:32–33; 7:23).

So, we warn our sons and daughters. As they are being seduced by Satan, we warn them of his whispers. Do not minimize the danger of pornography: it is satanic discipleship.

“Do not minimize the danger of pornography: it is satanic discipleship.”

Satan uses pornography to awaken dark affections and hijack neurological development. Through porn, he trains us to demean others by seeing them as objects to consume rather than neighbors to love. He assures us that sexual desire is an appetite to satisfy instead of a gift to steward for the service of others. He wants to confuse our children about their own sexuality and identity. In short, pornography is poison for the soul.

Sin makes us slaves to our appetites. Solomon warns of what we call addiction when he says, “The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin” (Proverbs 5:22). Addiction dehumanizes us as we insanely overlook all reason to follow sin, just “as an ox goes to the slaughter” (Proverbs 7:22). So, with Solomon, we warn our children that revisiting sin produces patterns that feel impossible to stop.

The older a child becomes, the easier it will be to connect decisions with consequences. You may find ways to share consequences from your own life, from the lives of others around you, or from characters like David from the Scriptures. We can’t scare our children into being holy. But we must warn them of Satan’s prowling.

5. Woo with desire.

Rules and guardrails can aid our children’s battle against temptation, but no weapon is more powerful than appropriately oriented affections. Rules are intended to protect our passions by pointing them in the right direction. Solomon instructed his son to find sexual satisfaction in his wife: “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. . . . Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love” (Proverbs 5:18–19). Song of Solomon is filled with blush-inducing language. Why? Because God gladly gives the gift of sex for a husband and wife’s enjoyment.

Parents are to teach their children about God’s good designs. Assure them that God is the one who created intimacy, orgasms, and romantic affection. Remind them that in marriage, God has provided a place to enjoy and explore our sexual desires. The world offers our children a mirage of cotton-candy pleasures, but God’s designs are good and satisfying.

While directing desire toward a spouse is appropriate, desire’s ultimate aim goes further. Our children may never marry. Their spouse may become sick, and intimacy may be hindered. This is why our chief aim must be to delight in God. Jesus laid this hope before us when he said, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God” (Matthew 5:8). The deepest reason we resist temptation is so we can know and enjoy God. Teach your children to seek joy in God above all other pleasures.

6. Model the way.

Protecting your children happens as much by what you do as by what you say. Parents set the tone in the home by how they engage with entertainment. As Charles Spurgeon once said, “Train up a child in the way he should go — but be sure to go that way yourself.”

My kids know that my phone doesn’t do what their mom’s does. I don’t have social media apps, and I can’t search for everything they want me to. Why? My phone is locked down to help me honor Jesus. Every child has asked me why my phone is lame, and I’ve explained that not everything on the Internet is good for us and that I try to protect myself in ways mommy doesn’t need to because her sin struggles are different. God intends our daily visible devotion to him to provoke questions from others that open doors for us to share gospel truth (Exodus 12:26; 13:14; Deuteronomy 6:20).

The same is true when we sit down to watch a movie. My children know that we will screen any movie before we watch it. They have seen me pass on dozens of movies I’d like to watch because they contain unhelpful content. Reviewing song lyrics, apps, shows, and everything else we consume has become second nature for our children. By God’s grace, we’re cultivating a culture at home where stumbling into sin may still happen, but it will be harder because mom and dad have tried to model practical ways to avoid sin and pursue holiness.

7. Put up protections.

The world is designed to make sinning easy and pursuing holiness hard. Intentional effort in protecting our children is essential to faithful parenting. Devices with screens should not be given to children without training, confirmation of maturity, and prayerful consideration. When the time comes, the stewardship should be soaked in Solomon’s warning, “Keep your way far from [temptation], and do not go near the door of her house” (Proverbs 5:8). But warning isn’t enough; we must also set up roadblocks to help them obey.

We currently have six layers of protection to slow the flow of smut into our home. A friend set up a DNS filter to protect our family’s Wi-Fi from explicit material. Parental controls are set on all devices. We removed the Internet browser from our Smart TV and gaming system. We installed monitoring and filtering software on all devices (we use Bark and Covenant Eyes). We use Clear Play on nearly every movie we watch. Passwords are required for all our children to download apps on their devices. These are all basic protections parents can consider using.

You may also need to set reminders to check your children’s devices and usage regularly. As your kids become more tech-savvy, ask them to help you protect their hearts from sin. Ask them to show you how they would get around protections you’ve set up and how to make them better. This conversation may take some work, but it sits near the heart of true parenting. We don’t want to only set up rules and guardrails; we want to do it together as we deepen our love for God and each other.

8. Encourage otherness.

Following Jesus will often put your children out of step with their peers. They will feel “other” in a way that will be hard for them and for you. Parents desire their children to have friends and be liked by others. But we know that some relationships can corrupt and hinder their walk with Jesus (Proverbs 1:15–16; 13:20; 1 Corinthians 15:33). At times, their “otherness” will feel oppressive and shackling. They’ll miss out on shows everyone is talking about. Sleepovers at friends’ houses will happen without them. Trends will come and go, and they won’t join in. They’ll be left off threads and overlooked on guest lists. At times, they’ll feel invisible.

Parents, help them embrace their otherness. Following Jesus on the narrow road is always costly (Matthew 7:13–14; Luke 9:23–25), and they will need your help to trust that true joy is found in loving Christ, not in being loved by the world (John 15:11). If you’re a Christian, you know how hard the struggle can be. Share how you’ve trusted Jesus in costly times. God can use the tears and late-night conversations to cultivate depth of character. They are being shaped into young men and women who will enter the world of television, the Internet, locker rooms, friendships, and the workplace with integrity formed in the crucible of otherness.

This is also a unique opportunity to help them discover the preciousness of the church. God’s people need one another to make their pilgrim journey through this dark world. Pray for your children to develop godly friendships, and search for ways your local church can help your children grow in godliness.

9. Give them Jesus.

If your children make it through high school without seeing pornography, it will be a miracle. The likeliness of them encountering pornographic images is almost a statistical certainty. I don’t say that to evoke fear, but to encourage sobriety. What should you do when your children see pornography?

Show them Jesus.

They need to see the one who gives grace to those who sin and have been sinned against. Show them the one who bled and died and rose to supply forgiveness, help, healing, and hope for what sin seeks to steal. Create an atmosphere of grace in your home that points your children to Jesus, who rose to put shame to death.

Some time ago, a mother found pornographic sites in her daughter’s search history. Her heart sank and her eyes welled with tears. This was one of her worst nightmares. After a few prayerful moments, she knocked on her daughter’s bedroom door and sat beside her. She asked questions, and her daughter admitted that she’d heard her friends talking about something sexual, and she searched it several times. She admitted that she knew it was wrong. She wanted to talk to her parents but didn’t know how.

They cried together, prayed together, talked about what she had seen, answered questions, and agreed that time off devices would be wise for the next few weeks. Together they developed a plan to talk more, pray more, and read the Bible together more often.

Though temptation still lingered, the daughter and her parents fought the battle together. She also found strength to help other friends who had similar struggles. Through the situation, they discovered ways God uses Satan’s evil for eternal good (Genesis 50:20; Romans 8:28).

My prayer is that God will help us and our children lean into Jesus, who will give us the faith to persevere in a pornographic world.

Our church was once a viper pit. Members gathered in Christ’s name, but little else distinguished them as Christians. They devoured one another during disagreements. Emotionalism, political preoccupation, diluted doctrinal affirmations, and lack of discipleship left the flock spiritually anemic. The congregation withered, leaving only a few faithful members.

One of the clearest causes of our church’s near-death experience was unregenerate church membership. Joining our church was as easy as walking an aisle, praying a prayer, and asking for admittance. The pastor would introduce the candidate to the congregation and call for an “amen” to welcome him or her into the fold. While easy entrance into membership appeared loving, in reality it opposed love.

Today, we practice regenerate church membership. In other words, we aim to welcome only true, born-again believers into the fold. Jesus taught that being born again — being regenerated — is essential to entering God’s kingdom (John 3:1–5). New Testament letters addressed congregations of new creations in Christ who were set apart from sin and striving to obey God (1 John 3:1–10; Ephesians 2:4–5; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Titus 3:5). Regenerate church membership, then, isn’t a VIP list of elite super-Christians. It’s a faithful list of true Christians.

“Regenerate church membership isn’t a VIP list of elite super-Christians. It’s a faithful list of true Christians.”

Though churches lack the omniscience to guard membership perfectly, we still aim for the names on the membership rolls to reflect the names in the Lamb’s book of life.

Is Church Membership Biblical?

Before considering the why and how of regenerate church membership, however, some may wonder whether our churches should practice church membership at all.

By church membership, I am referring a formal process of identifying and integrating believers who have voluntarily committed to follow Jesus together. The steps of church membership usually include examining a prospective member’s testimony, assuring his or her doctrinal orthodoxy, and making sure everyone agrees on the biblical expectations for following Jesus together.

I used to think formal church membership was unbiblical. In fact, the first church I pastored was intentionally inaugurated without membership. We viewed membership as extrabiblical, legalistic, and a threat to organic fellowship. But over time, our assumption proved to be misguided. We often struggled to know who “we” were. Leaders’ God-given authority was limited by attenders’ anemic affiliation. People were easily overlooked and neglected. Church discipline was confusing and, at times, counterproductive. In the end, we learned that biblical love required deliberate definition.

The New Testament provides a vision for the centrality of the local church in a believer’s life. Followers of Jesus are assumed to know one another, hold each other accountable, and submit to qualified local leaders who will give an account of them to God (Hebrews 13:17). Local churches keep lists of members who need care (1 Timothy 5:9–12), bear responsibility to address hypocrisy (1 Corinthians 5:1–13), and consider one another when partaking of the Lord’s Supper (1 Corinthians 11:18–34).

Churches don’t have to call their approach to these practices church membership, but it’s nearly impossible to argue that the concept itself is unbiblical. All over the New Testament, we find this intentional, committed, accountable love that affirms and encourages one another’s devotion to Jesus in a local congregation.

Why Pursue Regenerate Membership?

Sadly, many churches coddle and comfort people in their sin rather than calling them to repent and conform to Christ. This low standard for membership dims the church’s radiance and offers false advertisements about God. And Jesus takes these sins very seriously.

When Jesus walked among the seven churches in Revelation 2–3, he was moved by what was happening among them. He applauded their obedience (Revelation 2:2–3, 13, 19, 24; 3:4) and was appalled by their abominations (Revelation 2:4, 14, 20; 3:2). He encouraged good works to continue (Revelation 2:10; 3:5) and warned against allowing sin to abide (Revelation 3:3, 18–20).

Jesus still walks among churches today, calling us to obey him in everything, including how we approach church membership. In light of this, consider four motivations for pursuing regenerate church membership.

1. Regenerate membership pleases God.

Churches filled with unbelieving members will be marked by worldliness that serves selfish desires. Churches filled with believers, however, will be marked by loving obedience (John 14:15), a burden to evangelize the lost (Acts 13:1–3), concern for the spiritual welfare of fellow members (Hebrews 3:12–14; 10:24–25), a desire to restore wayward sheep (James 5:19–20), and a will to remove hypocrites who blaspheme God’s holy name (Matthew 18:15–18). All of these qualities are pleasing to God, and only regenerate members will be devoted to them.

2. Regenerate membership protects doctrine.

Unregenerate members will endeavor to lower the dimmer switch on doctrinal clarity to keep the light of conviction from exposing their evil. Or, on the other side, some unregenerate members may emphasize tertiary doctrines in quarrelsome, divisive ways. Regenerate members, however, have the Spirit of God, who empowers godly conviction, doctrinal clarity, and the resolve to remain faithful to Jesus. They will aim to uphold sound teaching with wisdom, charity, humility, and courage.

3. Regenerate membership promotes the gospel.

Unregenerate people have disregarded the call of the gospel. Though they may affirm it with their mouths, they deny it with their lives (2 Timothy 3:5; Titus 1:16). Those who resist the gospel will certainly not be committed to relaying the gospel. They will keep silent — and perhaps try to redirect the mission of the church solely toward social projects. Regenerate members, however, love the gospel that set them free and ensure that the church’s time, talents, and treasures remain devoted to obeying Jesus’s Great Commission (Matthew 28:18–20).

4. Regenerate membership produces joy.

Sorrow accompanies those who abide in sin. Unbelieving church members will be forced to find happiness in the fleeting experiences of friendship, accomplishments, sentimentality, or other empty wells. But believing members draw from a well of joy that never runs dry. A holy congregation will be a happy congregation. The Spirit who indwells her will produce joy (Galatians 5:22) that empowers joy-giving obedience (John 15:11), enlivens heavenly celebration in conversion (Luke 15:7, 10), and longs for the day when her joy will be complete in glory (Matthew 25:21).

How Can We Pursue Regenerate Membership?

Well-intentioned churches that minimize requirements for membership work against the very aim they seek to accomplish. Desiring to show Christ’s love, they often end up distorting it by affirming unbelievers in their rebellion. Healthy churches creatively cultivate an evangelistic culture that invites unbelievers to observe the love of Christ while taking care not to blur the lines about who is and is not right with God.

“Church membership is not for perfect people, but it is for repentant people.”

So how might we wisely pursue regenerate church membership? Consider seven ways to create clear distinctions that magnify the love of Christ, lead unbelievers to salvation, and grow believers into spiritual maturity.

1. Receive members carefully.

Develop a process that welcomes all people to engage with the gospel, yet carefully guards entrance into membership. Membership classes provide opportunities to instruct potential members in what the church believes (doctrine) and how it intends to live together (community). Classes that highlight the gospel, biblical expectations for the Christian life, accountability, and discipline will point unbelievers to Christ while encouraging believers to join your church.

2. Require clear testimonies.

Meeting with a pastor is the next crucial step. This meeting provides pastors an opportunity to discuss any questions about the church’s beliefs, hear the applicant’s testimony, and ensure he or she can articulate the gospel clearly, thus helping the pastor discern whether this person is indeed a believer who affirms biblical doctrine and is eager to submit to the accountability of the church body.

3. Require holy living.

Church membership is not for perfect people, but it is for repentant people. If someone professes to know Christ yet does not display contrition over sin, continual repentance, peaceful departures from former churches, charitable representations of other Christians, and growing delight in Jesus, questions may be raised about his or her conversion. Careful membership processes will be slow enough to ensure someone is walking in holiness. True biblical love takes time to see if professing Christians are honoring Jesus with their lives.

4. Baptize true believers.

Christians publicly profess faith in Christ through baptism. This ordinance is one of the first and most basic acts of obedience to Jesus (Matthew 28:19–20). Historically, many Christians have also treated baptism as the entrance into the life of the local church. Churches ought to be eager to baptize believers, but prudent churches will baptize only those with a credible profession of Christian faith.

5. Honor the Lord’s Supper.

Jesus is clear that not everyone will partake in the marriage supper of the Lamb. Neither should everyone be invited to partake in the Lord’s Supper. Over the years, our church has had several people come to Christ because of our instruction that unbelievers and unrepentant professors refrain from partaking with us. The warning can feel inhospitable, but then we remember that this is the Lord’s Supper, not ours. He supplies the guest list. Those who are unbelieving and unrepentant are excluded, though he desires them to repent and dine with him (Isaiah 25:6–9).

6. Practice church discipline.

At times, even the most careful churches will admit into membership professing believers who prove to be unbelievers in the long haul. This typically becomes evident when those people live in unrepentant sin. Few things grieve God like religious hypocrisy, so faithful churches follow Jesus’s instructions to remove unrepentant sinners from the church’s fellowship if they refuse to be reconciled to God and fellow believers (Matthew 18:15–18). This process requires much wisdom and courage. If we are unwilling to remove hypocrites, Jesus threatens to remove himself from the church (Revelation 2:5).

7. Keep honest membership lists.

As a church matures in its thinking about regenerate church membership, its pastors will labor to keep an honest list of members. Our church’s membership roll used to include hundreds of people who had moved away, walked away from the faith, or died. The numbers were impressive, but they blurred the truth about our truly regenerate members.

Meaningful membership is more than a mere administrative task. It is an act of love that calls sinners to be born again and the church to protect its witness to a lost and dying world so that all peoples can experience the everlasting joy of delighting in God.

“Next to the Bible,” Charles Spurgeon once wrote, “the book I value most is John Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress. I believe I have read it through at least a hundred times. It is a volume of which I never seem to tire” (Pictures from Pilgrim’s Progress).

This describes my own experience well. Years ago, I picked up a copy of Pilgrim’s Progress, and I have never set it down. A bookmark steadily moves through its pages each year. I take it with me to bed, on vacation, and whenever I find a few moments to retreat for spiritual refreshment. Bunyan has so strengthened my pilgrimage that I count him as one of my dearest yet-to-meet friends.

“Bunyan has so strengthened my pilgrimage that I count him as one of my dearest yet-to-meet friends.”

With Spurgeon, I am both a pilgrim and a pastor. I am striving toward the Celestial City and helping others do the same. Bunyan’s brilliant story has made me a better pilgrim pastor, and I trust it can do the same for many others.

Learn from Evangelist

“Fly from the wrath to come,” the Evangelist cries. His sobering message alerts Christian that he must flee the City of Destruction and seek the Celestial City. Christian doesn’t understand everything Evangelist says, yet he heeds his warning. Loved ones call for Christian’s return, but he “put his fingers in his ears, and ran on, crying, Life! Life! Eternal life!” (5–6).

The ministry of Evangelist moves me with thankfulness to God. Like Christian, I was a sinner destined for destruction. Yet God mercifully sent over twenty witnesses to me before I believed. I didn’t want Jesus, but he wanted me. My pilgrimage began because evangelists came and warned me to flee destruction.

The courage of Evangelist has also emboldened me to resist the fear of man. He never cowers in his witness to Christian, but continually points to the source of eternal life. He endures Christian’s questions and reproves him after he falls prey to Mr. Worldly Wiseman. Even after Christian believes, Evangelist keeps pursuing, challenging, and encouraging him. Evangelist’s endurance has reminded me that we never stop pointing pilgrims toward their heavenly Home.

Saturate Your Soul with Scripture

One would be hard-pressed to find a page of Pilgrim’s Progress that doesn’t contain at least an allusion to Scripture. Spurgeon’s estimation of Bunyan as “a living Bible” is true: “Prick him anywhere — his blood is Bibline. . . . He cannot speak without quoting a text, for his very soul is full of the Word of God” (C.H. Spurgeon Autobiography, 2:159). Bunyan loved the Bible, and he’s helped me love it too.

Every step of Christian’s journey is guided by the light of Scripture. Every conversation draws from it. Every trusted friend points him back to it. He holds it as precious, especially in his darkest hour. In the dungeon of Doubting Castle, Giant Despair tortures Christian and his beloved friend Hopeful, ordering them to take their own lives. Christian nearly succumbs, until he suddenly exclaims,

“What a fool . . . am I. . . . I have a key in my bosom, called Promise, that will, I am persuaded, open any lock in Doubting Castle.” . . . Then Christian pulled it out of his bosom, and began to try at the dungeon door, whose bolt (as he turned the key) gave back, and the door flew open with ease, and Christian and Hopeful both came out. (132)

I too have walked on the precipice of compromise and fallen into the pit of despair — and yet God’s word has given me strength to not give in or give up. The power of Pilgrim’s Progress is that Bunyan infuses God’s word into the characters’ lives and plot so creatively that I cannot help but delight in God’s word when I read it. Christian and his faithful friends cling to God’s precious promises through every trial until they pass into the land where faith becomes sight. Bunyan’s word pushes me into the word so that, like them, I may be helped to inherit eternal life.

Treasure Pilgrim Partners

The early part of my Christian life was isolated from the local church. I developed Christian friendships, but too often I walked alone. Yet as I have matured, I have learned that I am too weak to journey to heaven alone. I need pilgrim partners to help me persevere. Bunyan’s portrayal of the Christian life has only reaffirmed this reality.

God providentially provides friends for Christian in just the right seasons for just the right reasons. Help swoops in to save him from the Slough of Despond. Early in his walk, Interpreter teaches Christian to see with spiritual eyes. Faithful suffers with him in the crucible of Vanity Fair. Hopeful holds Christian back from succumbing to suicide. The saints at Palace Beautiful encourage Christian regarding his progress on the journey and exhort him to keep pressing on. Even in Christian’s dying moments, Hopeful helps him keep clinging to God’s promises.

Watching God providentially provide friends for Christian has helped me to treasure the friends he has given me. A wall in my office is covered with pictures of people God has used to pastor me and people he has given me the honor of pastoring. Each snapshot in time testifies to God’s providential love for me through those friends. Yet, as with some characters in Pilgrim’s Progress, some friends in the pictures have wandered and no longer seek a heavenly home. Their sorrowful departure sobers me to keep my eyes on Christ and not be lured away.

Watching Christian and his friends also inspires me to cultivate Christ-centered friendships. I want to love like Faithful and encourage like Hopeful. I want to run with a company of pilgrims whose hearts are set on heaven, knowing that no matter what we face, we will soon arrive in that land where we shall never say goodbye again.

Endure Suffering with Hope

Immediately upon setting out for the Celestial City, Christian and Pliable are met with trouble. While they struggle in the Slough of Despond, Pliable “began to be offended, and angrily said . . . ‘Is this the happiness you have told me all this while of? If we have such ill speed at our first setting out, what may we expect betwixt this and our journey’s end?’ . . . So away he went, and Christian saw him no more” (11).

This trial would not be Christian’s last. He ascends difficult hills, endures debilitating doubt, overcomes worldly deception, undergoes unjust trials, and narrowly escapes execution. He is constantly haunted by concern for his unsaved family and endures unrelenting spiritual warfare. Yet Christian presses on. Watching Christian teaches me that suffering pushes us — either toward God or away from him. In this way, suffering separates sheep from goats. Christian’s endurance also assures me that it is possible and profitable to continue pressing toward Home.

I am not typically given to discouragement, but in recent years the dark cloud has visited more often than I prefer. But observing Christian trust the Son, who ever shines on the other side of the cloud, encourages me to keep going. As with Christian, God has supplied a spring to accompany my difficulties. From this reservoir of grace, not only am I helped, but I am able to assist suffering sheep in their painful pilgrimage (2 Corinthians 1:3–4). Together we are limping toward glory, and the Lord does not despise feeble steps.

Set Your Heart on the Celestial City

Of all the aids Christian avails himself of, none is more vital than keeping his gaze on Zion’s shores. An eternal perspective strengthens the steps of pilgrim perseverance. Seeing Christian and Hopeful pass through the dark river and into Zion’s brings me deep joy.

The angels’ welcome causes redeemed hearts to dream:

There also you shall serve Him continually with praise, with shouting and thanksgiving. . . . There your eyes shall be delighted with seeing, and your ears with hearing the pleasant voice of the Mighty One. There you shall enjoy your friends again, that are gone thither before you. . . . When He shall again return to the city, you shall go too, with sound of trumpet, and be ever with Him. (182)

“An eternal perspective keeps all obstacles and afflictions in their proper perspective.”

God calls me and the people I pastor to set our hearts on this promised place. An eternal perspective keeps all obstacles and afflictions in their proper perspective. It shows us that the cost of following Christ will be abundantly worth it. Seeing God remain faithful to Christian assures me and those I pastor of this truth: ten thousand years from now, when we know what God knows, we will not accuse him of anything. He has always been faithful.

So keep an eternal perspective, fellow pilgrim. We’re almost Home.

A young man had been looking at pornography for years. He wept and promised to stop, but his pattern persisted. His church’s elders patiently, tenderly, and firmly walked with him for nearly a year. They tried accountability software, but he eluded it. They counseled him to get rid of his smartphone and remove Internet from his home, but he thought that was too extreme. He attended church but seemed unaffected by Scripture. He felt guilty and despaired about his circumstances, but it didn’t change the way he lived.

There is always mercy for repentant people, but how should a church respond to someone like this young man, who is unwilling to repent of viewing pornography?

What Is Pornography?

Finding an agreed-upon definition for pornography is becoming increasingly difficult. I recently spoke to a church member about watching a popular television series. I asked if the show had pornography in it. He said no. I asked if it contained scenes with naked people engaged in sexual activity. He said yes, but quickly added, “That’s just part of the show.”

Our culture’s saturation with sexually explicit material has numbed us to the nature and danger of pornography. Many have been convinced that watching people have sex on a screen is fundamentally different than watching them have sex on the floor in front of you. But Jesus assures us that virtual sin is not safe and carries the same danger of divine judgment (Matthew 5:28–30).

I typically define pornography as depictions of sexual subjects or sexual behavior in literature, art, or films that are consumed for arousal, escape, entertainment, and/or affirmation. Viewing people made in God’s image as subjects to be consumed rather than neighbors to be loved is a great sin against God and others. It trains us to desire evil and grieve the Holy Spirit who dwells in us (1 Corinthians 6:15–20; Ephesians 4:30). It degrades the image-bearer being consumed for adulterous enjoyment (Matthew 5:28–30). It defrauds one’s spouse or future spouse (1 Thessalonians 4:3–8). It defiles the marriage bed with adulterous memories, sinful comparisons, and evil expectations (Hebrews 13:4).

Worst of all, consuming pornography happens before the face of Jesus, our beloved Bridegroom (2 Corinthians 11:2–3). Imagine a wife’s terror if her husband watched porn before her eyes. How much worse before the eyes of Jesus?

Because of pornography’s seriousness, churches are right to take serious steps to eradicate it from the life of a believer.

Severe Act of Love

A local church is a committed group of believers who follow Jesus together by obeying his commands under the oversight of godly leaders (Hebrews 13:17). The church members are to love one another and help each other battle abiding sin. At times, however, some will become ensnared in sin, and Jesus commands us to seek them out and restore them to Christ and the church (Matthew 18:10–35; James 5:19–20; Galatians 6:1–2).

Sadly, some professing believers persist in resisting repentance. Because their hypocrisy blasphemes Jesus’s name (Isaiah 52:5; Romans 2:24), threatens their own soul (1 Corinthians 6:9–10), and endangers the church’s health (1 Corinthians 5:6), church discipline becomes necessary.

In discipline, a church reproves a believer for their sin — first privately, and then, if unrepentance continues, before the whole church (Matthew 18:15–17). The discipline process may include counseling the unrepentant to abstain from the Lord’s Supper for a season, removing them from areas of service (especially children’s ministry, youth ministry, and public worship), or removing them from leadership positions. The last stage of the process is to remove them from membership altogether (Matthew 18:15–18; 1 Corinthians 5:1–13; 2 Thessalonians 3:13–14; Titus 3:10–11).

This severe act of love serves straying sinners by warning them that their trajectory is eternal condemnation (1 Corinthians 6:9–10; Ephesians 5:3–6). Any unrepentant sin may lead to disciplinary action by the church, including the sin of pornography.

When Does Pornography Lead to Discipline?

The church and her pastors bear responsibility to discern if a sinning person shows signs of faith and repentance. This is done on a case-by-case basis and requires wisdom to apply the proper combination of correction, encouragement, patience, and decisiveness. Because no two cases are the same, a church needs real, living, prayerful, discerning pastors who can process facts, patterns, and responses with wisdom and courage. They act as physicians of the soul, who diagnose spiritual diseases and prescribe gospel remedies.

So how might pastors gauge if a professing believer’s relationship with pornography is worthy of the later stages of church discipline? (For simplicity, I will use masculine pronouns throughout the rest of the article, even though pornography use can become a problem for both men and women.)

Discern his ensnarement.

Determining the person’s relationship with sin is important in determining his relationship with the church. The following questions will help to determine if church discipline might be necessary.

What material is he accessing?

The type of material he views indicates the level of darkness to which he is ensnared. Is it nudity? Sexual activity? Unnatural sexual activity (like violent sexuality, homosexuality, or bestiality)? Child pornography? The deeper the darkness, the more drastic the potential response.

How often is he accessing it?

The pattern of sin paves the way for the elders’ response. When was the last time he accessed explicit material? When was the time before that? Is he accessing it monthly? Weekly? Daily? Hourly? The more regular the pattern, the more cause for concern.

How is he accessing it?

How he gains access to the material is also important. Is he using his phone? Computer? Television? His children’s or spouse’s devices? Devices at work or elsewhere? These questions reveal the lengths to which he is willing to go to gain access to sinful content.

What other sins are associated?

If someone is looking at porn, other sins are likely nearby. Whom has he lied to about his sin? How is he covering it up? Has he contacted anyone inappropriately online? Has he exchanged photos or videos with someone else? Has he met with anyone for a sinful rendezvous? Is his spouse being abused? The level at which sin has metastasized will determine the level of intervention needed to remove it.

How were his sins exposed?

“There’s a big difference between being caught in sin and voluntarily coming forth because of the Spirit’s conviction.”

There’s a big difference between being caught in sin and voluntarily coming forth because of the Spirit’s conviction. Was he caught? Did he freely acknowledge his sin, or did you have to drag it out of him? Was he grieved by God’s Spirit or forced by circumstance? If he is surrendered to God’s work in him, he will freely offer answers. Consistent dishonesty is a huge red flag.

Administering these questions can help to reveal the state of the person’s soul. Is he devoted to his sin? Is he committed to excusing it? An entrenched commitment to sin is deeply concerning and possibly moves him into the category of formal discipline.

Discern his repentance.

True believers will be marked by sorrow and a willingness to sacrifice anything to repent of sin in order to enjoy fellowship with Jesus. Discerning the sincerity of someone’s repentance is key in discerning the need for church discipline.

His sorrow.

Not all sorrow over sin is the same. Paul told the Corinthians, “Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death” (2 Corinthians 7:10). Worldly grief sheds tears over sin’s consequences, like losing a job, destroying a relationship, or being publicly humiliated. But worldly sorrow has nothing to do with God. It is concerned only with self, which is the same root that feeds the commitment to pornography in the first place.

Godly grief, however, is vertically oriented. It sees sin as first and foremost against God (Psalm 51:4). Godly grief realizes that sin is a personal offense against Jesus, who has done us no wrong. Godly grief produces earnestness to make changes, fear of eternal judgment, longing to be more like Jesus, and zeal to pursue holiness at all costs (2 Corinthians 7:11). If these fruits are present, we have reason to hope and reason to slow down any talk of church discipline.

While we may discern a mixture of worldly and godly grief, an absence of godly grief is gravely concerning. If a person can sin and not care that it grieves God, he may not have a relationship with God.

His sacrifice.

True repentance will be marked by clear, often drastic steps to “bear fruit in keeping with repentance” (Matthew 3:8). As one friend asked, “Is there a [metaphorical] trail of blood following him as he cuts off whatever he must in order to obey Jesus?”

Is he willing to delete beloved apps or social-media accounts? Will he downgrade to a non-smartphone? Will he get rid of his television or Internet in his home? Will he quit his job or change careers to avoid temptation?

Some will supply countless excuses for why these steps are too extreme. But Jesus says, “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell” (Matthew 5:29). Genuine believers are willing to do whatever it takes to stop sinning. If someone shows that convenience is more important to him than obeying Jesus, it calls his profession of faith into question and may give reason to proceed to church discipline.

His joy in Jesus.

While grieving over his sexual sin and murder, David pleaded for joy. In his famous psalm of repentance, he asks God, “Restore to me the joy of your salvation” (Psalm 51:12). The truly repentant also seek refreshed joy in their salvation because they want restored joy in Jesus. Jesus is the reward of true repentance. Does the person want to be pure in heart because he wants to “see God” (Matthew 5:8)?

There is no clear formula to determine when exactly formal church discipline should start or how long is necessary until the last step. Prayerfully plead for wisdom from God (James 1:5). Bear the burden of the struggling sinner while being careful to avoid sinning against him out of bitterness, self-righteousness, or exhaustion (Galatians 6:1–2). Consider excommunication as the last resort, though do not be afraid to carry it out. If you do move forward, prayerfully hope that God will bring the person to repentance (Matthew 18:10–35; 1 Corinthians 5:5).

Messenger of Mercy

Let me return to the man’s story I mentioned in the beginning. After a long season of continued unrepentance, his church finally removed him from membership. In the months after his excommunication, however, he was diagnosed with a grave illness.

“Church discipline is a messenger of mercy to prepare people to stand before a holy God.”

As his condition worsened, he was haunted by the fact that his sin had pushed his church family to discipline him. God used this love-inflicted wound to move him to repentance (Proverbs 27:6). He visited the pastor and asked for forgiveness. He reached out to others and attempted to make amends. On his deathbed, he professed faith in Christ and acknowledged that God used the severe love of God’s people to prepare him to stand before Jesus.

Church discipline and its final step of excommunication may seem harsh to some, but it is actually a messenger of mercy to prepare people to stand before a holy God. The process may be grueling for all involved, but trust God’s wisdom and know that the pathway to true joy is paved by his word. He will walk with you, whatever part you play.