Fathers, I have a confession: I get “the feels” around all things Christmas. Listening to nonstop holiday music (after Thanksgiving, of course), the sight of a tree on a car, exterior illumination that would make Clark Griswold proud, the smell of evergreen — I love it all. I don’t need Andy Williams to tell me, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year,” but I sure can’t wait until he does!

If you don’t relate to this confession, though, don’t worry. I’ve got another one: on multiple occasions, I’ve arrived at Christmas morning feeling that it snuck up on me. This moment of recognition usually happens in the middle of our Christmas Eve service, when I glance around and see my wife and our five kids joyfully singing praises to “Christ, the newborn King,” or listening intently to the story of Jesus’s birth. On a number of years, this joyful moment has been accompanied in my heart with a twinge of sadness. Another Christmas has almost passed, and yet again, it snuck up on me.

Stewards of Hearts

I’m aware that these two confessions may sound contradictory. On the one hand, as a man who’s a kid at heart, I eagerly anticipate and count down the arrival of the holiday season. On the other hand, as a father who’s a steward of hearts, I have a tendency to arrive at the end of the holiday season and feel like I wasn’t ready for it — and now it’s gone.

I’ve heard quite a few fathers say that their daughter’s wedding day snuck up on them. They don’t mean they didn’t see it coming or were surprised by its arrival. No, it snuck up because the many things they needed to do (host family, write toasts, pay invoices, and much more) distracted them from the one thing they were honored to be: “Daddy.” In short, the significance of what they were a part of was lost on them until it had passed. Even if they were present in the moment, they were not prepared to win the moment.

This illustration has helped put words to the sadness that I’ve felt at the end of too many holiday seasons (and I don’t think I’m alone). If we are not mindful on the front end, the many things we “need” to do this December will distract us from the one thing we need to be: children of our good and generous God. And if we fathers personally neglect the significance of the Advent season, it’s unlikely we will lead our families any differently.

Fathers, let’s do more this year than be physically present; let’s get spiritually prepared to lead our family to win the moments. If you’re inspired to join me but don’t know where to begin, I’d like to offer three practices that have consistently enabled our family to win the holiday season, moment by moment.

1. Create Devotional Moments

The first practice is to create devotional moments. By “devotional moments,” I’m talking specifically about creating time for the family to gather and hear God’s word together.

Before I share what my wife and I have found helpful, let me make sure you are picturing our family correctly. Imagine a quiet and orderly group of serious, scholarly believers, gathered together to eagerly learn from the Scriptures. Got those people in mind? Now picture the opposite of that group. That’s our family. There are seven of us, and for some reason just saying the words “family devotion” produces an effect like drinking a Red Bull, where everyone “gets wings.” Even the dogs get in on the madness.

But while family devotions aren’t always easy and can go south quickly, we’ve discovered that a little planning and perspective can set us up for success. Years ago, we set it as our goal to create family devotional times that were fun, engaging, and memorable. We observed that many kids leave Christian homes feeling that the Scriptures are boring, irrelevant, and hard to understand. Not only do our three goals counter these, but they can create a learning environment that kids might even look forward to. As a father, I consider it a huge win anytime I can spark in my children an eagerness, or even an openness, for the living and active word of God (Hebrews 4:12).

“Fathers, do what it takes to carve out some planning time on the front end of the holidays (now!).”

During the holidays, we try to gather at least two times a week for family devotions. For us, family-devotion topics typically emerge as my wife and I share with each other what we are learning in our respective Advent devotionals. If we have any “secret sauce” to share, however, it’s what we do next. Julia and I then spend a few minutes brainstorming about three things: teaser, takeaway, and treasure hunt. (The more you do this, the better you get at it.)

The teaser starts our family devotions. We tee up our time with a fun question that gets everyone talking and points toward the message. The takeaway is the one big idea from Scripture that we want the family to walk away with. A concise takeaway focuses the devotion and gives the family language to rally around. Last, the treasure hunt is when things really get fun. Prior to the family devotion, we secure some sort of holiday treat (like a family game, a dessert to make, a holiday movie) and hide it somewhere in the house. Here’s the catch: the treat is hidden somewhere that is connected to something from the devotional. The one rule about the treasure hunt is that all the kids have to discuss and hunt together.

I hope you can envision how powerful it can be to create family devotional moments that are fun, engaging, and memorable.

2. Capitalize on Seasonal Moments

The second practice is to capitalize on seasonal moments. Unless you live on Mount Crumpit, others in your area have already put together holiday events that can provide your family with memorable moments. If setting aside time to pray and think creatively is the key to the first practice, this second one hinges on the willingness to do a little calendar coordination. In all likelihood, your area schools will have holiday programs, churches will host Christmas concerts, community theaters will produce shows, and the city at large will plan a slew of seasonal events. It’s all there, simply waiting to be leveraged by those who will take some time now to look ahead and make a few decisions.

For years, we had the same experience over and over: I would find the greatest holiday events for the family to enjoy — and we wouldn’t ever go. Before you think I live with a bunch of hermits, I should add that I would find these events the day of the show, and either the tickets would be sold out or someone in the family had other plans. Bah humbug!

My wife had been telling me about this thing called “planning” that adults sometimes do, and when I finally applied it to the holiday season it was a game changer. At the start of the Christmas season, we take some time to identify important moments for each family member (so we can all plan to attend), as well as a few special holiday events. (By the way, news of a special seasonal event makes a great treasure hunt discovery after an enjoyable family devotion!)

3. Copy Memorable Moments

Last, I would encourage you to copy memorable moments year after year. It doesn’t take long in life to realize that change is inevitable — and navigating through a world of constant change can lead to a feeling of instability, especially among children. As a father, I long for my children to know they have a God who is “the stability of your times” (Isaiah 33:6) and one who is “the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8). As we teach these truths, we can also seek to create a home environment that models it. We have leaned on our family traditions as a way to provide a sense of constancy in an ever-changing world.

What are your family traditions that you copy year after year? Our holiday season is full of memorable and repeatable moments that provide an anchor for our family. We have traditions that are unique to us (“elf knock,” holiday game night after devotions, ham-and-steak holiday meal, stockings hid on Christmas morning, sibling gift exchange before Christmas) as well as some that I imagine many families do (family pajamas on Christmas Eve, birthday cake for Jesus, reading Luke 2 and praying together before opening gifts). To quote my good friend Cousin Eddie, a meaningful family tradition is “a gift that keeps on giving” year after year.

Seize the Season

The prophet Isaiah provides much-needed wisdom for what it’s going to take to see these ideas become a reality: “He who is noble plans noble things, and on noble things he stands” (Isaiah 32:8). Fathers, do what it takes to carve out some planning time on the front end of the holidays (now!). Get a plan for creating devotional moments, coordinate how you will capitalize on seasonal moments, and identify the memorable moments to copy year after year.

For those who apply these three simple practices, I am confident that you will look at your family on Christmas Eve with a whole lot of gladness and very little sadness. For this holiday season came, and you were ready for it.

The scene was reminiscent of a scary movie. Julia walked out to the church parking lot and found an ominous note taped to her car window: “I SEE YOU!”

Though she thought I was hundreds of miles away, I was actually nearby, watching the entire scene unfold. When she began to nervously look around, I took that as my cue and drove up next to her. As she stared in shock, I asked in the smoothest way possible, “Wanna take a ride?” (Yes, I had rehearsed it many times.) She joyfully got in the car, and a few hours later, I got down on one knee and asked if she would marry me. She said yes.

The cryptic three-word message was actually not the way I intended to start the morning. I had crafted the perfect poem to start our engagement day, but it got lost somewhere between my hotel and the church. With only a few seconds to write something, “I SEE YOU!” was all I could come up with.

We used to think our engagement was perfect except for those hastily written three words. Ironically, after 22 years of marriage, that note has become one of our favorite parts of the day. In fact, one of our marriage goals is to regularly and intentionally communicate what first happened on accident: “I see you.” While many fantasize about falling in love at first sight, we’ve discovered a better dream: a marriage that furthers love with each additional sight.

God Saw

It took a few years of marriage before I realized the power of sight as a way to pursue Julia. Up to that point, I was focused on developing my listening skills. Then, right when I began to make progress on that, God revealed (in perfect Godlike fashion) a new need for development: looking skills. We get a glimpse of the power of sight in the way God describes Israel’s suffering in Egypt:

God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel — and God knew. (Exodus 2:24–25)

By developing our listening and looking skills, we unlock a powerful combination in our marriages. When we listen, we communicate that our wife has been heard. When we look, we communicate that she is known and understood.

Unfortunately, far too many wives are overwhelmed with a sense of loneliness. Day after day, they feel invisible to the man they love. When I reflect on my own marriage and the real reasons why I don’t actively bless my wife as God intends, I admit that one of my main obstacles is optical. I don’t actually see what’s happening around me because I’m not really looking.

Savior with Wide Eyes

My breakthrough started with a study on all that Jesus noticed. Our Savior walked through life with eyes wide open. Jesus noticed Nathaniel under a tree (John 1:48) and Zacchaeus up in a tree (Luke 19:5). He noticed John’s disciples following at a distance (John 1:38) and the touch of one desperate woman while the masses pressed around him (Luke 8:45). Jesus watched in moments we think you shouldn’t, such as when the poor widow put all she had into the offering treasury (Luke 21:1–4). He also watched in moments we know we couldn’t, such as when he himself was the offering.

Even as he hung on the cross in intense agony, his eyes looked beyond his own suffering and responded with love. He prayed for those who crucified him (Luke 23:34), comforted a criminal next to him (Luke 23:43), and cared for his loved ones there for him (John 19:26–27). And through it all, Jesus kept his eyes on the work of his Father (John 5:19–20). Simply put, Jesus’s entire life and ministry deliberately and compassionately communicated, “I see you.”

I don’t wake each day with the burden to perfect who Jesus is for my wife, but I do rise with the great privilege to reflect him.

Three Paths to Better Sight

Empowered by the truth that God keeps me as “the apple of [his] eye” (Psalm 17:8), I made the commitment to be a man who takes literally the command that “each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4). Over the years, I have landed on three practices that promote a marriage culture that sees: stop, scribe, and speak.

STOP

When Moses discovered a bush on fire yet not consumed, he stopped to see what was going on. What happens next is worth reading slowly: “When the Lord saw that [Moses] turned aside to see, God called to him out of the bush, ‘Moses, Moses!’” (Exodus 3:4). When Moses stopped to see, the Lord started to lead. I believe the same principle is true for each of us in our various relationships, whether with God, wife, or children. When we stop to see, the Lord may start to lead.

Apart from praying, I can’t think of a more effective use of my time than to stop what I’m doing and think about what I’m seeing in the life of my bride. These moments are always beneficial, and the main requirement is that I create the space with a curious spirit.

SCRIBE

After taking the time to stop, I embrace the mindset of a scribe, taking notes on what I’m seeing. My observations are usually focused under a few main categories:

What makes her happy or sad?
What are her consistent dreams or disappointments?
What relaxes her or increases her stress?
What has she mentioned that could be a great “just because” gift?

I’m both excited and embarrassed when I go to scribe. The excitement comes from the awareness that God is leading; I’m seeing things! The embarrassment comes from reading previous observations and recognizing how quickly and easily they slipped my mind. But at least I see them again, because I’m a scribe. I encourage you to write what you see, because there is power in the pen (Deuteronomy 17:18).

SPEAK

Last, after taking the time to stop and scribe what I see, I speak.

My first words are to God on Julia’s behalf. Genesis 25:21 tells us, “Isaac prayed to the Lord for his wife, because she was barren. And the Lord granted his prayer, and Rebekah his wife conceived.” I love the simple words “Isaac prayed . . . because she was . . .” As a prayer prompt, I will write these very words on a page and fill in the blank with as many things that come to mind: “Matty prayed . . . because Julia was . . .” Sentences like this give me a practical way to take all that I have seen and speak them to the One who cares for my wife most. Perhaps you don’t need a prompt like this to inspire you, but I sure do. I fear becoming the kind of husband of whom it could be written, “Matty did not pray for his wife, but she was . . .”

While the first words are spoken to God, additional words often come later. When I consistently stop to see, I find that my speech to Julia routinely lands with substance and strength. While I never assume the ability “to sustain with a word him who is weary” (Isaiah 50:4), I am keenly aware of where that ability comes from. Speaking such words begins with hearing (Isaiah 50:4), and hearing often begins with seeing (Exodus 3:4). This is the life-giving power that a husband kick-starts when he simply takes the time to see.

The part of the country we call home is adjacent to the Appalachian Trail, with some of the nation’s most beautiful viewpoints. Typically, the higher you go, the more clearly you see. For me, cultivating the simple yet consistent practice to stop, scribe, and speak is akin to walking up three giant steps that give me a higher, more breathtaking view of how good and generous God has been to me through my wife. It’s amazing what you can see when you are looking!

With five children between the ages of 19 and 8, my wife, Julia, and I are nearly two decades into our journey as parents. When you add two dogs, two cats, and an “Alexa” to the mix, the kitchen often feels like feeding time at a zoo, in the middle of a nightclub. Yet beneath the busy and often chaotic place we call home, Julia and I have experienced and developed a current of underlying peace.

Years ago, we came to acknowledge that while it’s right and wise to do what we can to position our children for future faithfulness, who they become isn’t ultimately in our control. We’re responsible for the home environment they grow up in, not who they turn out to be as grown-ups. We’ve found great peace as parents by focusing on the current callings God has given us rather than trying to grasp unguaranteed outcomes.

Though it’s been nearly fifteen years, I can distinctly remember how this perspective shift altered the way we talked about our home life. Our conversations quickly moved away from what our children were not doing (which is what we used to focus on) toward the many things that we, as the parents, could be doing. It may sound silly, but our parenting discussions finally began to be centered more on the parents!

In addition to changing our conversations, this new outlook resulted in significant shifts in the way we parented. After doing an honest evaluation of our home environment, we clearly saw we had work to do. We gathered scriptures that spoke to either parenting or family, and then we landed on Proverbs 22:6 as our starting point:

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Three Subtle, Significant Shifts

While the verse was familiar to us, the reality was more foreign. In fact, if the verse were translated like we parented, it would have said, “Tell up a child in the way he shouldn’t go, and tomorrow he will obey.” If that sounds familiar to you, I have good news: there’s a better way. The internal peace we experience now has been directly connected to the following three shifts in our parenting:

train up, not tell up
should go, not shouldn’t go
old, not young

It’s worth mentioning that while there’s some ambiguity in the original Hebrew, these three shifts aren’t limited to this text. Parents should feel free to embrace the call to train up our children in the way they should go, with a long-term view, because these are established biblical themes that each have wide support beyond this passage. We happen to love Proverbs 22:6 (at least as it’s worded in the ESV) because it beautifully and concisely captures these three wise shifts.

Train, Not Tell

Our first parenting shift was to embrace our role as trainers, not merely tellers. Our tell-up mindset was clearly seen in common refrains like, “How many times have I told you . . .” or “Don’t make me have to tell you again.”

“Our first parenting shift was to embrace our role as trainers, not merely tellers.”

For the record, it’s true that we had told them the same things repeatedly. What changed was the way we responded in these moments. As tellers, we used to get irritated at their lack of listening, but as trainers, we learned to push through and seek creative ways to stimulate their minds and hearts. We found that most (not all, but definitely most) of what we were quick to label as disobedience or indifference was greatly affected by a little more effort from the instructors.

As Christian parents, while a training mindset may feel new, the model has been firmly established through the life and ministry of Jesus. Consider, for instance, how Jesus taught his disciples to pray. He didn’t merely tell them, “Go pray,” and then repeatedly demean them when they didn’t. Rather, the master trainer modeled a life of prayer (Mark 1:35; Luke 5:16), taught them why we pray (Matthew 7:7–11; Mark 9:29), showed them how to pray (Luke 11:2–4), and then sought to keep them going (Luke 18:1). Imagine the impact in our homes if we were to replace our culture of telling with a culture marked by that kind of training.

As a result of this one shift, we went from mainly reacting to far more often initiating toward our kids. More than that, we committed to not discipline our children for things we hadn’t trained them in yet. Admittedly, this commitment resulted in some awkward moments in public, when we observed a kid’s behavior and looked at each other with enlarged eyes, as if to say, “How have we never taught them about this at home!” As we shifted the focus toward training, though, the underlying message to our children was clear: we are with you and for you in your journey to maturity.

Should Go, Not Shouldn’t Go

It’s not a surprise that one of the first words a toddler learns to say is no. Sadly, many homes are dominated with parents repeatedly telling children what not to do. On multiple occasions, I’ve sat with fathers of adult children who tearfully lament their children’s decisions, saying, “I don’t get it; they were raised knowing what not to do.” Unfortunately, according to the apostle Paul, merely arming our children with an impressive collection of do not’s will not prepare them well for what lies ahead (Colossians 2:21–23).

The vision to train in the way they should go is more than semantics. It’s a way of parenting that reflects the very heart of our heavenly Father, a heart that can be traced back to the garden of Eden. Contrary to popular memory, God’s first words were not, “Do not eat from that tree.” Before God gave that vital no, he first gave a far bigger yes: “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden” (Genesis 2:16). Our heavenly Father makes clear the way we should go so that when he does say no (which he does), we can be confident it’s to preserve us for life, not prevent us from life.

The subtle shift to intentionally focus on a positive vision led us to identify a big family YES: “The Bradner Family Creed.” Our creed (shared below) highlighted seven values we were committed to pursuing as a family. With these established and communicated, we embraced our role as the lead trainers who were constantly on the lookout for ways to model, teach, and celebrate the family living out our creed. Sixteen years later, we can confirm that it’s much more enjoyable to give your energy and effort toward a family yes than it is to be constantly telling kids no.

Old, Not Young

The final shift was found in the last part of verse 6: “when he is old he will not depart from it.” Imagining our children as adults has helped us play the long game in our parenting. It guards against unknowingly winning today’s battle at the expense of losing the war. We desire to parent now in such a way that our children want to engage with us when they no longer have to.

“We desire to parent in such a way that our children want to engage with us when they no longer have to.”

The long game may last for decades, but it begins now while our children are young. We didn’t want to wait until they left the house to create an environment they would want to return to. This desire shaped how we spoke to them — especially what we wanted them to hear most and least. If our kids were to hear us say the words, “How many times have I told you . . .” our hope is that it would be followed with something like, “. . . how much I love you and consider it a privilege to be your parent?” These are the kinds of words we want them to hear most.

Some might read this and conclude that we’ve adopted some parent-as-buddy relationship. No, we haven’t lost sight of our authority and responsibility to correct and exhort. We’re intentionally aiming to position ourselves for a lifetime of that kind of ministry. Henry Drummond captures the long-game perspective so well: “You will find that the people who influence you are the people who believe in you.”

The long game also shaped what we desire them to hear least. While the quick response “That’s not what we believe/think/do in this family” may save a few minutes in the moment, it robs parenting in the long run. Children who are always merely told how to think and what to believe — without thoughtful conversation — will eventually stop engaging those topics. While the Christian parent has the privilege of teaching what is right, that doesn’t mean we should do it like the fool, who “takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion” (Proverbs 18:2).

“I’d love to hear more about why you think that” may take more time in the moment, but it will also bear much greater fruit in the years ahead. I’m certain that our adult children value our thoughts and perspective more today because they grew up in a home that valued theirs.

Our Best Investments

Looking back, it’s nearly impossible to quantify the impact of these three parenting shifts, but it’s been enormous. Parenting is hard, and so is being a child. Instead of shouldering anxiety today about who our children become as grown-ups, let’s give our best energy to creating a God-honoring and life-giving environment for them now. Sometimes the most transformative, enduring outcomes are a result of a few subtle shifts in perspective.

Bradner Family Creed (Est. 2006)We honor God.Every person matters.We are so thankful.We don’t speak “winese.”Can I help you with that?We give our best.We celebrate!

When it comes to New Year’s goals, I’m very aware that many despise the practice. The resistance is reasonable.

Some reject resolutions as a marketing scheme created to counter the post-Christmas purchasing lull. Others feel that new commitments are pointless because they’re so often abandoned by February. Still others resist the negativity of starting a new year focusing on who they’re not. As understandable as these objections are, though, I can’t fathom entering a new year and viewing it as just another day. You could say I’m haunted by the moment.

Every year, when I write “January 1,” it dawns on me again that I’ve been gifted with another year on this earth. I’ve made yet another trip around the sun. It may seem as though life goes round in a circle: another January, another year, another chance — but then the haunting moment comes: “January 1 . . . 2023.” That moment never fails to take my breath away. After we watch the ball drop and the clock pass midnight, we wake up where we have never been before — the land of a new year — and when this year is over, we will never be here again. All of history — past, present, and future — resides not on a circle, but on a line.

The line that began with the creation of the heavens and the earth is headed somewhere — to the culminating point in which the dwelling place of God is with man, and all those who have trusted in Jesus experience the joy of God making all things new (Revelation 21:1–5). Knowing where history is headed and that God is at work along the way, I can’t imagine beginning my one and only shot at 2023 without pursuing some big goals for the year ahead.

If these words inspire you to do the same, I’ve discovered a well-marked yet seldom-traveled pathway to setting wise goals.

Bigness of Small Decisions

Hikers know that sometimes the path to a destination seems to take you in the opposite direction. A journey to the mountaintop can start downhill. In these moments, it requires faith to trust the trail. Similarly, the journey to something big will be attained by consistently embracing that which is small. Small decisions lead to great destinations.

This shouldn’t come as a surprise to those who are familiar with Jesus’s way of life and teaching. Not only does he consistently tell us to embrace paradox, but he also explicitly teaches that the way of the kingdom begins small. The kingdom is like a grain of mustard seed, “the smallest of all seeds,” that grows and becomes a tree (Matthew 13:31–32).

“Jesus explicitly teaches that the way of the kingdom begins small.”

And not only does the kingdom of God start small, but progress is often hidden from our sight, like “leaven that a woman took and hid in three measures of flour, till it was all leavened” (Matthew 13:33). If the pathway to greatness starts small and progress often remains hidden, it’s no surprise that so few consistently embrace it.

Our flesh keeps us on the couch, waiting for opportunities that appear to promise instant and immense impact. Those who constantly dream of the big victory often overlook the small decisions required to get there. This type of home-run mentality seems to be exactly where Satan wants us to be. It’s no secret that he tempted Jesus with comfort and glory (fake as it may have been) that was instant and immense (Matthew 4:1–11). I’m convinced Satan is still running the same playbook, and we may be easy targets.

We can test how susceptible we’ve been to his scheme by what we do (and don’t) remember about David, the shepherd boy who eventually becomes king of Israel.

Fighting Giants or Making Lunch?

Regardless of your religious upbringing, most people can name David’s big victory. He defeated the Philistine giant, Goliath. Far fewer, however, can recall what brought David to the battlefield that day. David didn’t wake up in the morning, put on some hype music, and look into the mirror proclaiming, “The world will remember you after today.” No, it was actually a small, humble decision that led him to that great destination.

While all the “men of Israel” went to fight the Philistines, David was considered too young and remained at home tending the sheep. David’s father came with a request: “Will you take lunch to your brothers at the battlefield?” If there ever were a pathway to greatness that started small, it was this one. Specifically, David was asked to bring grain and bread to his brothers, and ten cheeses to King Saul (1 Samuel 17:17–18). David was a tomato away from being a pizza-delivery boy. Humor aside, you can imagine the potential tension in his heart.

On the one hand, he may have been crushed that his greatest contribution to the war was cheese, not combat. On the other hand, I suspect he still carried himself with honor, remembering the moment when God led the prophet Samuel to anoint him as the future king of Israel (1 Samuel 16:11–13). The promise was certain, but the pathway remained unclear.

“Small decisions lead to great destinations.”

Imagine if David had responded to his father, “Dad, really? Lunch? Cheeses? No thanks, I’m holding out for something big today.” By embracing this small, seemingly insignificant act of service, David was unknowingly set on a path to greatness. Small decisions lead to great destinations.

My Three Small Decisions

As you prepare for the new year, I would encourage you to consider the small decisions you might make and keep. Personally, I am committed to starting the year with three small decisions in mind.

The first is to start each day with devotion. The key moment will be when I first wake each morning. My goal is to turn my attention toward God in prayer and the word before turning to my phone. My second decision is to deliberately and consistently look for small acts of kindness that could serve those around me. Lastly, I am committed to taking it one day at a time. After proclaiming that we should praise the name of the Lord forevermore, David starts surprisingly small: “From the rising of the sun to its setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised” (Psalm 113:2–3).

One devotion, one kindness, and one day at a time. I’m starting with those three small decisions this year. What will yours be?

Small Steps to Destruction

One reason I am so convinced of the power of small decisions is because the opposite is true as well: small decisions lead to great destruction. Just as we underestimate the impact of our small decisions toward Christ, we also tend to overlook the small, seemingly insignificant decisions that lead us away from him. We daydream of the big victories, and have nightmares about committing big evils, and ignore all the small wayward decisions that lead us there. Once again, our memory of King David (or better yet, our lack of it) doesn’t serve us well.

David’s big evil is just as iconic as his big victory. He slept with Bathsheba, a married woman, and then, to cover up what he’d done, had her husband given a sure-death assignment on the battlefield (2 Samuel 11:14–15). As with the Goliath victory, we would benefit from remembering how David ended up entwined in such great evil.

As you could probably guess, David didn’t set out to have an affair and commit murder. Like the pathway to greatness, the road to destruction also began with a small decision. For David, it began here: “In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle, David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel” (2 Samuel 11:1). David had a job to do, yet chose to send someone else. However inconspicuous it may appear at first glance, it was the first step among many that set him on a path to destruction. Small decisions lead to great destruction.

New Year, Small Decisions

I imagine that the dark side of small decisions lands heavy, as it should. We ought to regularly pause and consider the unwanted consequences of our daily choices. In doing so, we are following the way of the wise, who “see danger ahead and hide themselves” (Proverbs 27:12). While this isn’t a pleasant process, there’s a silver lining around the cloud of our choices. If small decisions can take us to great destruction, then it is also through them that we can avoid many evils.

Perhaps this is why Joseph sends his brothers home from Egypt with the seemingly small request to “not quarrel along the way” (Genesis 45:24). Joseph could have rightly charged them not to plot to kill or sell each other into slavery, but he didn’t. It’s conceivable that Joseph knew that the flaming hatred they once had toward him grew from the kindling of quarrelling. Friends, small decisions can prevent great destruction.

Whether they lead us to great destinations or great destruction, small decisions will shape the direction of our lives. Tomorrow night, we will hear those familiar words, “Happy New Year!” It will feel like we’ve been here many times before, but we haven’t. History has now made its way to the year 2023, and we are part of the story. I invite you to join me in pursuing something great this year, one small decision at a time.

While you may not recognize the name Henry Van Dyke Jr., most spouses are well-acquainted with his work. It comes up in that dreaded moment when you realize an attempt to pursue and bless your spouse didn’t land. And by “didn’t land,” I mean, when it landed, it landed like a bomb, not a blessing. In moments like these, spouses have looked for solace, again and again, in the timeless wisdom of Van Dyke Jr.: “It’s the thought that counts.”

The original quote was this: “It is not the gift, but the thought that counts.” While this maxim may have some value when a genuinely thoughtful gift misses the mark, the sentiment shouldn’t become a target for anyone pursuing a spouse. In fact, it’s quite ironic that a pithy statement centering on the word thought is, in reality, often used to excuse away thoughtlessness.

Thoughts That Really Count

Imagine if my wife, Julia, were to buy me the nicest hairbrush (I’m bald), and then spend hours knitting me the most comfortable Duke Blue Devil blanket (I’m a Tar Heel). After she presents her gifts, I sit in dumbfounded silence until she breaks in: “Well, it’s the thought that counts!” As I’m uploading the pictures of my newly acquired items to eBay, I would say (in the most loving way), “Well, those were some bad thoughts!”

The picture may be silly (unless you live in North Carolina), but the point isn’t. The thoughts that really count in marriage are not random thoughts that misfire, but informed thoughts that land as pleasant to our spouse. The apostle Peter charges husbands, “Live with your wives in an understanding way” (1 Peter 3:7). Good intentions are important, but in marriage in particular, as we model Christ and his church, we should want to aim higher than good intentions.

“Stop trying to love and pursue more. Instead, aim to love and pursue better.”

Most spouses are overwhelmed at any suggestion that they are not doing, loving, or pursuing enough. If that’s you, this is meant to be an encouragement: Stop trying to love and pursue more. Instead, aim to love and pursue better. We’re in need of a love like the one the apostle Paul prays for in Philippians 1:9: a love abounding “with knowledge and all discernment.” The call is not merely to love more, but to love in better, wiser, more discerning ways. If there is any earthly relationship that should model this kind of love to the world, surely it’s the marriage covenant.

With each passing year, we can love our spouses with an ever-increasing knowledge of who they are. This results in spouses who are consistently learning, and then seeking to love each other in light of what they’ve learned. These are thoughts that truly count.

Love in an Understanding Way

Again, this vision to love and pursue in light of what you have learned about your spouse is explicitly given to husbands: “Live with your wives in an understanding way” (1 Peter 3:7). Husbands, live with your wives. This is not a distant or passive word. Peter is calling husbands to be present in the home with their eyes and mind and heart open — like a student sitting in the front row, fully present and eager to learn about this beautiful gift called “wife.”

The word understanding in verse 7 is literally “according to knowledge.” Most husbands actually do love their wives according to knowledge; unfortunately, it’s a knowledge of ourselves and not of them. Julia and I now laugh at the many times I was baffled when a pursuit I thought was amazing landed in the exactly opposite way. Looking back, they were indeed amazing pursuits — that is, if I were pursuing myself. Husbands, the kind of love and pursuit in the home that God calls us to simply cannot be accomplished by going through the motions. He’s calling for a genuinely engaged husband who is regularly learning and then loving his wife in light of what he learns.

While Peter focuses here on husbands, and while the weight of pursuit rightly and beautifully falls more heavily on husbands, who imitate the Christ who laid down his life for the church, the practical principle is a good one for wives too. It’s hard to overstate the blessing that can result when both husband and wife seek to bless each other in ways that land as pleasant — when we, as spouses, “outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10).

Loving Different People Differently

As with all aspects of the Christian life, Jesus models loving others according to an accurate knowledge of who they are. Jesus consistently engages needy people in unique and personal ways. Following the death of their brother Lazarus, Mary and Martha both have an encounter with Jesus. It’s interesting to note that while the sisters say the same words to him initially — “If you had been here, my brother would not have died” (John 11:21, 32) — Jesus responds to each differently.

He immediately comforts Martha with truth: “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die” (John 11:25–26). Jesus then asks her, “Do you believe this?” inviting her to lean on this truth. His words gave Martha a place to stand in her heartache, and it seems to have landed as pleasant to her.

Moments later, when Mary speaks the same words, we might expect Jesus to respond the same way he did to Martha. Instead, he allows her space to weep. After they show him Lazarus’s tomb, he weeps as well (John 11:35). Two women in the same devastating circumstances at the same moment, and yet Jesus engages them differently — because they were different.

Now, neither of these is in the context of marriage, but the interactions paint a picture of what it looks like to pursue in an understanding way — in a way that lands. These are thoughts that count: intentional, sacrificial initiative shaped by insights into who this particular person is.

Every Marriage Grows and Changes

What benefits come when we begin loving in an understanding way? For starters, as the marriage gets older, it will never get old. The joy of learning does not end. The future years will bring limitless opportunities to understand our spouse better.

“With each passing year, we can love our spouses with an ever-increasing knowledge of who they are.”

It doesn’t take long in marriage before you begin to discover that with each passing age and life stage, the ways we feel loved will often change. Julia used to love it when I would surprise her with a late-night date to see the newest movie. Now, twenty years and five kids later, taking her to a late movie is essentially an expensive nap in uncomfortable clothes. But you know what? I have learned that she loves when I immediately help clean up after dinner so that we can take a walk in the neighborhood, holding hands and talking about our day. For my wife, that’s a pursuit that lands.

Over the years, we have experienced how toxic it can be when we belittle one another based on our differences in design and desires. It was common for us to make the other person feel like differences were actually deficiencies (sadly, we often thought they were). This all began to change as we committed to learn each other’s unique design and desires, and attempt to love in light of what we learned.

Julia learned that taking the time to write an encouraging note and stick it to the bathroom mirror is a pursuit that lands as pleasant to me. I, on the other hand, learned that taking the time to actually clean the mirror is a pursuit that lands as pleasant to her. We found so much joy and peace when we began to celebrate who each other is, before complaining about who each other is not. Over time, these are the thoughts that count.

Learning Each Other for Life

While spouses often feel an initial wave of excitement as they embrace this kind of informed pursuit, a word of caution is wise. This commitment can be made in an instant, but the real impact will not happen overnight. The process of learning who your spouse is, and loving in light of what you learn, will take time — and a willingness to make (and receive) a lot of mistakes along the way.

Julia and I just entered our third decade of marriage, and, by God’s grace, we both joyfully remain students at heart, eager to learn and then love in light of what we learn. We have gained so many individual and informed thoughts about each other (and our kids!), and trust me when I say, those thoughts have really counted.

What’s your favorite charge, or piece of counsel, you have heard in a wedding homily?

Any Christian minister who has performed a wedding knows the challenge and opportunity of that moment. We have a precious few minutes to capture the moment and hang out a vision for the newlyweds to pursue for the rest of their days. On more than one occasion, I have surprised the couple with this charge: “Enjoy this day with everything you have, and when it is over, in one way, pretend like it never happened.”

You can probably imagine their facial expressions. If it weren’t such a formal moment, I’m sure they would interrupt, “What do you mean, ‘Pretend like it never happened’? We’ve been waiting for this day for so long!” After a brief pause to allow their curiosity to grow, I go on to explain the wisdom behind my intentionally provocative words. The key to understanding the charge is in the phrase “in one way.”

Kissing Pursuit Goodbye

I am not charging couples to pretend like their wedding day never happened in every way, or even in most ways. Marriage brings many new and wonderful realities that are to be embraced with joyful seriousness. That said, I have observed that kissing the bride is often followed by kissing goodbye a way of loving each other.

For so many, the wedding day marks the end of a way of relating that can be best characterized as the pursuit. While the specific practices may differ from one couple to another, the principle often remains the same: the dating days are characterized by a pursuit of the one we love, but as the months and years pass, the pursuit sadly gets left behind. It’s often replaced by a new “married” way of relating that could be characterized as existing together. This far-too-common pattern of relating can be summarized: Pursue. Catch. Exist.

“Kissing the bride is often followed by kissing goodbye a way of loving each other.”

While this dynamic of existing together often becomes the norm, what if there were another way? What if the transition from singleness to marriage should be and could be summarized differently? Consider this: Pursue. Catch. Pursue. I choose the phrases “should be” and “could be” because I am convinced that many spouses either lack a vision for why they should keep pursuing each other or they lack practical help in how to make it a reality (or both!).

Why We Pursue

Before rushing to discuss how we love one another, the Christian spouse would be well served to first clarify why. This question finds its answer in the way we are loved by God. God’s love for us establishes the bullseye for how we seek to love one another. We are called to love just as God loves us (John 13:15; Ephesians 4:32; 5:29). And this is clear: we are loved by a pursue-catch-pursue God.

David captured God’s never-ending pursuit when he declared, “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow [or pursue] me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever” (Psalm 23:6). David rejoices in the reality that God’s pursuit wasn’t only to get him into his house, but it continues while he lives there. The apostle Paul gives an even longer view of the “hound of heaven” when he declares that for all eternity God will be showing “the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 2:7). Our God is ever in pursuit, and we are to follow his lead in the way we love — and first and foremost in the way we love our spouse.

It’s worth clarifying that our goal is reflection, not perfection. None of us can perfectly love a spouse like Jesus does in all ways and at all times. While perfection is not the expectation, Spirit-filled followers of Christ should expect to consistently grow in our ability to reflect the love of God to our one and only.

Consistent over Elaborate

When I encourage couples to keep pursuing each other, I can already hear the objections, as if the idea is something out of a fairy tale, rather than one rooted in reality.

“We can’t do that.”
“We don’t have the time or the money for that.”
“We have jobs, kids, responsibilities, and more often than not feel like we are being crushed each day.”
“There’s just no way we can pursue one another like when we were dating and engaged.”

These objections might be more valid if the call were to consistently pursue each other in elaborate ways. While elaborate pursuits have their place in a marriage, that’s not the first type of pursuit that couples should focus on. To put it in a phrase: consistent is greater than elaborate.

Think about the love ethos of your marriage like building a fire. Before we add the large (elaborate) pieces of firewood, we first build a base of heat through placing many tiny sticks, twigs, and leaves. In fact, if we try to place a large piece of firewood too early, it will do the opposite of what we want. Instead of igniting the fire, it will put it out.

The same is true in our marriages. When we neglect the small and consistent daily acts of pursuit, our elaborate attempts will often backfire. (Yes, I speak from personal experience.) The marriage that keeps the fire burning through each passing age and life stage is one in which both spouses commit to consistently, even daily, pursue one another.

Little More Kindness

Many spouses think too much about pursuing in elaborate ways and too little about consistent, everyday expressions of love. Our consumer-driven society leads us to focus on holidays and special days, when what our marriages often need most is a little more kindness and thoughtfulness each and every day.

What if the missing piece in your marriage has little to do with figuring out how to love your spouse differently than everyone else? What if the secret to a better marriage is in learning to love your spouse just like you are called to love everyone else?

I have often heard people say, “The Bible doesn’t give much guidance about marriage.” While the Bible may not speak exclusively about the relationship between husbands and wives as often as we’d like, it says a great deal about how we are to treat one another in Christ. God has given us dozens of specific “one another” commands in the mouth of Jesus and the letters of the apostles. He calls us to be kind to one another (Ephesians 4:32), serve one another (Galatians 5:13), forgive one another (Colossians 3:13), encourage one another (Hebrews 3:13), honor one another (Romans 12:10), live in harmony with one another (Romans 12:16), pray for one another (James 5:16), and submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21) — just to name a few.

“Husbands and wives, you are called to ‘one another’ your ‘one and only.’”

Husbands and wives, you are called to one-another your one-and-only. These small, seemingly simple expressions of intentional and authentic interest in your spouse, expressed consistently over time, can radically alter the culture of your marriage.

First Steps Toward Each Other

Sadly, many spouses seem content to take the “one another” commands out into the world during the day, but then leave them on the front porch as they walk into the home. How tragic would it be to have a Christian home with defined callings for husband and wife but without consistent and discernible Christlike love?

God does not mean for a few explicit passages about marriage to replace all of God’s commands for how we treat one another. No, our one-and-only should be the first person we one-another. Our marriage love will be kindled by first committing to love our special one as we are called to love everyone.

For many of us, this process begins with repentance. We have demanded to receive one-and-only love from our spouse, yet neglected to give one-another love to our spouse. If this is you, seek God’s help, ask your spouse to forgive you, and find a list of the “one another” commands in the New Testament. Read prayerfully over them and look for a few that the Holy Spirit presses on your heart to begin focusing on even this week.

As you begin to one-another your one-and-only, you will be laying kindling and blowing oxygen on the fires of your marriage.