As I sat in the dermatologist’s office, I scanned the bottles of serums and ointments on display in the waiting room — moisturizers, exfoliates, anti-aging serums, under-eye treatments. Although many people (like me) were probably there for typical skin scans or skin problems, it was clear that the dermatologist was also in the business of helping women look younger.

I peered into the mirror and noticed the “eleven lines” on my forehead. Surely there’s some sort of magic cream that can reduce their visibility, I thought. When I asked the dermatologist for a recommendation, her answer surprised me: “The only cure for those is Botox.” The eleven lines were here to stay.

Our exchange made me wonder, Why do I want to erase the signs of aging on my face? Didn’t I earn these lines raising four kids, working hard, pouring myself out for others?

Shiny (and Expensive) Lies

In our society, the pressure to appear youthful and fit comes from every corner. From the ads on TV, to the filtered images on social media, to the endless beauty products lining the shelves of stores, the message is clear: Do everything you can to turn back the hands of time — and never reveal your real age!

But as Christian women, how are we supposed to think about aging? The Bible’s view of beauty and aging is an upside-down perspective compared to the world’s. Often, when we use cosmetic procedures to try to disguise our age, we’re buying into the message that our value lies in our appearance.

The willingness to endure painful, expensive procedures to enhance our appearance should make us step back and consider our motives. Are we fearful that our husband won’t find us attractive anymore, or that we’ll be single forever? Are we worried about others thinking well of us, getting the promotion, or being liked by the right crowd?

Certainly, it’s not a sin to want to take care of our bodies — we honor God by stewarding them well. But when we become consumed with looking younger or fitting into a smaller dress size, we make our bodies into idols.

God’s Upside-Down Kingdom

While some of us may not want to admit how old we’re turning, the Bible celebrates the growing number of candles on your birthday cake. Often, as Job 12:12 reminds us, “wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days.” Then there’s Proverbs 16:31: “Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.”

Few of us see gray hair as a crown. We think it’s something to hide! Yet the Bible tells us to prize gray hairs as we might a long life devoted to following Jesus. God, through his word, wants to take our minds off our appearance (and all the fears that go with it) and give our attention to spiritual maturity instead. Suddenly, it becomes possible to celebrate becoming older as we delight to see how God has shaped us over many years.

“True beauty isn’t found on a magazine cover, but in our perfect God.”

The longer we’ve been on this earth, the more opportunities we’ve had to trust Jesus and to grow in wisdom. We’ve experienced more ups and downs; our perspective spans decades of life. God has used the trials we’ve walked through to shape who we are. Singleness, financial loss, raising children, chronic illness, bereavement — these trials have not been easy, but God has been present through each of them. Changes to our bodies can serve as a reminder of this.

Next time you look in the mirror and notice the ways your body has changed, try looking in a different way. Those stretch marks and loose skin around your abdomen — maybe they’re a reminder of the gift of children. Perhaps those dark circles under your eyes show the late nights you’ve spent counseling a troubled friend or anxious teen. That furrowed brow reveals the trials you’ve worked through, figuring out how to be a diligent friend or family member or worker. Those crow’s feet and laugh lines are sweet reminders of time spent delighting with others.

In Christ, the physical signs of aging are not marks to despise, but signs of how God has worked through your circumstances to turn you into the person you are today. Seen this way, they can encourage you to trust him with your future, whatever your fears.

True Beauty

Our desires to attain flawless skin, a toned body, or the size we were twenty years ago point to the longing to be beautiful. We so easily measure ourselves by the standards of the world. Yet true beauty isn’t found on a magazine cover, but in our perfect God.

Jesus suffered on the cross and died for our sins in the most beautiful, selfless act of love. When we place our faith in him, we are covered in his righteousness. Now, God sees us as beautiful — because Christ is.

The beauty God esteems is displayed through character attributes like grace, mercy, steadfast love, and faithfulness. Instead of focusing our efforts on becoming more beautiful through make-up, salon visits, or workouts, may we seek to emulate Christ and embrace his beauty.

As we do, we will be freed from enslavement to self. We will be like David, so taken with the Lord’s beauty that we forget our own troubles:

One thing have I asked of the Lord,     that will I seek after:that I may dwell in the house of the Lord     all the days of my life,to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord     and to inquire in his temple. (Psalm 27:4)

True beauty makes Christ visible through our acts of love. The truly beautiful use the body God gave to joyfully serve others in need, from making a meal for the neighbor who just had surgery, to speaking words of kindness and compassion to a friend walking through depression, to hugging the child that fell and scraped his knee. As Paul reminds us in Romans 10:15, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach good news!”

Notice, there is no mention of the beauty of their faces or the strength of their muscles, but their feet — so often dirty and stinky — are called beautiful. They allow us to carry the good news of Jesus to others.

Look to Eternity

Pursuing the Bible’s definition of beauty will not come easy in our day and age. But 2 Corinthians 4:16–18 reminds us of the fight to keep an eternal perspective:

We do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

As believers in Christ, we are called to have a different mindset than the world’s. We’re called to look beyond what eyes can see and hands can touch, remembering that God longs for us to fix our eyes on him instead of on our own wrinkles and bodily changes. The weightiness of life’s trials and our fears of aging pale in comparison to the riches of eternity.

Ladies, the gospel is good news for aging. Despite the added candles to our birthday cakes, we will grow more beautiful as we grow more like Christ.

I met my future mother-in-law when I was barely 17 years old. Barb was warm and welcoming, and I instantly liked her. As a brand-new Christian, Barb was a mentor to me and someone I looked up to.

But once I was engaged to her son, tensions emerged. Ben and I had unique offers in different states, with a scholarship that was enticing. Barb suggested we wait another year to make the most of the opportunities. But Ben and I couldn’t fathom being separated for another year and were willing to forgo the financial benefits to be together. It was my first realization that Barb and I might not always see things eye-to-eye.

When she and my father-in-law announced they’d be moving to South Africa just after our wedding, we were excited for them. They were following the Lord’s call on their life. I didn’t give much thought to how the distance would affect our budding relationship. We all were Christians, so everything should be good, right? I was so busy starting my new marriage and career, that building a relationship with my overseas mother-in-law wasn’t at the top of my list.

In hindsight, I wish I would have spent more intentional time cultivating that new relationship — as difficult as it was before the era of cell phones and video calls. The distance between us created a chasm that left us both on the outskirts of each other’s lives — especially through graduations, moves, and a new pregnancy.

Our first visit together after my in-law’s overseas move revealed that the relationship might not click as naturally as I had assumed. Conversations were surfacy, with deeper heart issues unshared. Expectations over holidays and extended family visits felt weighty. How many misunderstandings could have been avoided if I had carved out more time to really get to know Barb?

Notoriously Challenging Love

The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is notoriously difficult. From sitcoms on television, to mother-in-law jokes, to Rebekah complaining to Isaac about her Hittite daughter-in-law (Genesis 27:46), we consistently see conflict, strife, and division.

The irony here, of course, is that both of these women love the same man. The son of one has become the husband of the other. Now two women have a vested interest in how this man spends his time and money, where he lives and how he raises his children. Will he carry on what his mother so lovingly imparted to him? Or will he choose to forge a new path with the wife of his youth?

The marriage relationship binds us together in a new family, whether we like it or not. Maybe you’re delighted with the mother-in-law God has given you. You easily connect and have formed a friendship. Or maybe your relationship with your in-law is the most difficult relationship you have. There’s been a pattern of hurt and offense that seems impossible to repair.

Is there hope for a relationship that has so much water under the bridge?

Women Chosen for Each Other

Your mother-in-law may be far from the ideal person you’ve imagined, but she is the mother of the man you love and chose above all others. She is God’s hand-picked choice to be your mother-in-law. The ties that bind you are likely the strongest earthly relationships you will have — marriage, children, grandchildren.

“Your mother-in-law is God’s hand-picked choice to be your mother-in-law.”

Some might read what I’ve said so far and still wonder if a relationship with your mother-in-law is even necessary. Can’t it suffice to talk “through” the man in the middle and just see each other at holidays? After all, you have your own family now and are busy raising children and creating new traditions. But that in-law relationship is more important than you might think. And can yield surprising fruit as we seek to honor God as we move towards, and not away from, our mother-in-law.

Here are five reasons that pursuing a relationship with your mother-in-law is worth the (sometimes serious) investment it requires.

1. Love her to love your husband.

Daughters-in-law can create unnecessary tension in their own marriages by complaining about or criticizing their mother-in-law to their husband.

Not that there is never a valid reason to talk through a concern with your husband, but what is the tone that you use? Is it one of respect and kindness? After all, she is the one who gave birth to your husband, who fed him, nurtured him, drove him to school and endless practices, and perhaps has prayed for him more than anyone else in the world. Even if your husband and his mom don’t have a great relationship, she still deserves honor as the woman God placed in his life, and now yours.

Speaking well of your mother-in-law will help to promote harmony in the family, instead of creating division by forcing your husband to choose sides. Spending time with her shows that you value the place she has in your family’s life. In effect, we show love to our husbands and strengthen our own marriages when we joyfully invest in a relationship with our mother-in-law.

2. Love her to experience and express the costly love of Christ.

As selfish sinners by nature, we’re bound to have conflict with our mothers-in-law. We both have our ideal plans for vacation, or for the holidays, or for the way the kids (or grandkids) will be educated. Often times this leads to tension in the relationship. Or maybe the relationship has been tense from day one. Maybe even your husband has a strained relationship with his mom.

No matter the cause, by the power of the indwelling Spirit, we can show love and grace even at the worst moments. When we’re hurt, we can choose to guard our tongues instead of saying a biting remark in response (Psalm 141:3). We pattern ourselves after our merciful Savior, who freely offered us forgiveness and acceptance at the cross. When we were his enemies, Christ died for us! By his grace, we can move towards a difficult mother-in-law in love, freely forgiving the wounds inflicted, without bitterness. And we can ask God to search our own hearts for any sin that added to the tension (Psalm 139:23).

3. Love her to obey God.

In Exodus 20:12, the fifth commandment, God tells us to honor our mother and father. Even though your mother-in-law is not your own mother, she’s still the mother of your husband. And since we become one with our husband in marriage, she should be honored as if she were our own mother.

As a follower of Christ, we are not only to honor our parents, but we are to honor all people (1 Peter 2:17), because every one we know was made in the image of God. We’re not given an “out” if our mother-in-law is abrasive or our personalities clash. Instead we’re to rely on the all-sufficient grace of God to love and honor the mother of our beloved husband (2 Corinthians 12:9). This really is pleasing to the Lord.

4. Love her to find unexpected joy, peace, and friendship.

As we seek to honor our mother-in-law by intentionally seeking her out, looking for ways to love her well, we can trust God to give us joy and peace.

“God will be faithful to give us the grace we need to navigate the turbulent waters of family relationships.”

As we seek to be a peacemaker, we look for ways to honor her preferences — maybe it’s a phone call to catch up instead of text messages, or creating space in the calendar for a family dinner. As we warmly welcome this new mother into our lives, God will be faithful to give us the grace we need to navigate the turbulent waters of family relationships. He will be glorified as we lean into him to keep loving and pursuing our mother-in-law.

And you might be surprised that in the process of building your relationship, you gain a new friend!

5. Love her to become more like Jesus.

As we seek to know and love our mother-in-law, no matter what awkward family circumstances have occurred, God will mold and conform us into the image of Christ.

God will give us patience when we’re at the end of our rope. He’ll give us grace to forgive the hurtful comment. We can trust that God is using our in-law conflicts as a way to test our faith, produce perseverance, and mature us into the woman he means for us to be (James 1:2–4). He will enable our imperfect selves to rely on a perfect God for the grace to keep moving towards our mother-in-law, rather than away from her.

Twenty-two years after I said, “I do”, God has been gracious to redeem years that might have been more fruitful in my relationship with Barb. Even though Barb and I are far from having done everything “right,” I’m grateful that we persevered through hard times to a place where we have greater love and appreciation for each other. She has walked alongside me through numerous moves, babies being born, and church conflict. Her listening ear and tangible support have been a gift.

I’m grateful not only to call Barb my mother-in-law, but also a dear friend.

“How do you keep going in ministry? Especially after so much hurt?” My friend, the wife of a pastor, sat on my couch with tear-filled eyes. As we sipped our tea, I asked God to help me offer some words of encouragement. As I write this now, I’m praying that way again, asking God to help me encourage you if you find yourself in pain over broken relationships in your church — and especially if you, like me, are married to a pastor.

To be called by Jesus into gospel ministry, to point broken people to our merciful and loving Savior, is an immense privilege. It’s a weighty, joyful role to support our husbands as they shepherd the flock the Holy Spirit has placed in their care (Acts 20:28). In the eternal sense, and often even now in this age, it’s among the most rewarding responsibilities we will carry. And at times, it can be heartbreaking.

For instance, a friend may turn on a pastor’s wife over a church disagreement, over whether the elders make this decision or that. That was the pain my friend was enduring, pain I knew all too well. After years of reaching out to new visitors and pouring herself into the people of her church, conflict was tearing apart relationships that were meaningful to my friend. Gossip and slander were making it worse. The very people she called friends were walking away without so much as a goodbye. I watched her pain roll down her cheeks in tears.

Encouragement for Heartache in Ministry

That kind of pain and heartache comes with any meaningful ministry, which means her question is a good one, an important one:

How do you keep going in ministry after so much hurt?

Thank God the Bible has many good answers. And while God doesn’t answer every specific question we might have, he reminds us that this kind of pain and loss is part of this age, and none of it will be in vain. God is doing more good (in us and in others) than we know, and at the end of the day, at the end of life, Jesus will be worth it.

1. Jesus understands your heartache.

When we struggle feeling betrayed by a friend or church member, we remember that Jesus endured the greatest betrayal. He knows the pain we’ve endured — and far more. The very disciple he was investing in handed him over to the authorities with a kiss. Even his most adamant supporter and friend denied knowing him three times. When Jesus asked his disciples to stay awake and join him in prayer the night before his crucifixion, they fell asleep. And then, of course, the very people he came to minister to were crying out to crucify him.

Jesus is the High Priest who can sympathize with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15). When we too face rejection, we can rejoice, knowing that we are sharing in the sufferings of Christ (1 Peter 4:13).

2. Heartache produces hope.

The heartbreaks and trials we face in our ministry are not for nothing. As John Piper writes, God is always doing ten thousand things (and more) that we can’t even see.

“The heartbreaks and trials we face in our ministry are not for nothing.”

One important thing God is doing through our hurts and broken relationships is teaching us to persevere. We keep reaching out, inviting others into our homes and initiating friendships, because our hope is in eternity. He is shaping our character and building our hope through suffering, as he pours his love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:3–5). We endure being slandered or mistreated within the church, knowing that we can rejoice in our suffering. In this world we will have trouble, but we take heart because Christ has overcome the world (John 16:33). “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us” (Romans 8:18).

3. Heartache will equip you to comfort others.

As my husband and I have walked through our own trials in our twenty years of ministry, God has been faithful to bring more seasoned pastors’ wives alongside me to encourage me with what they have learned. I’ve experienced firsthand the truth of 2 Corinthians 1:3–4:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Older pastors’ wives have been a listening ear, a source of gospel-filled hope and wisdom, pointing me to the truths of Scripture and praying for me. Those conversations have been like water to a parched soul.

If you’re in the midst of ministry hardships, ask God to provide a seasoned pastor’s wife to come alongside you. And look for the ways you can provide comfort to a woman who is not as far along the path as you are. One of the greatest joys in ministry is found in serving others who are hurting.

4. Keep doing good, even now.

One verse that has ministered to me countless times during dark seasons is 1 Peter 4:19: “Let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.” These words are a precious reminder that the suffering we endure in ministry is part of God’s good plan for us. It is not a surprise to him, something unforeseen along our path of service. Instead, it’s often the very tool God uses to encourage us to lean into his grace.

As we entrust our souls to our Creator, we keep doing good. We get outside our own propensity to self-absorption and self-pity, and focus on meeting the needs of others. Instead of wallowing in lingering pain over what we’ve lost, we can ask God to help us see who else needs a friend, who needs a helping hand or a word of encouragement. We can ask the Lord to show us where we can use our gifts to joyfully meet the needs of others. As we lift our eyes off of ourselves, inevitably we will find more joy and peace through the only One who can truly satisfy.

5. The gospel shines brighter in heartache.

Our natural, sinful reaction when we’ve been wounded is to wallow in our pain or to seek revenge, but God calls us to something higher. Romans 12:14–21 exhorts us to bless those who persecute us — to not repay anyone evil for evil, but instead show radical love to our adversaries. “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. . . . Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:20–21). The grace of God enables us to move past our natural feelings to show tenacious love and grace to our offenders. These situations, although painful, are actually profound opportunities to show that we are Christ’s disciples (John 13:35).

“The grace of God enables us to move past our natural feelings to show tenacious love and grace to our offenders.”

As followers of Christ, we are reminded that love is patient and kind, not irritable or resentful, that “love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4–7). When we are hurt by others, it’s easy to assume the worst of their motives. But Christlike love calls us to believe the best. Our love is to be long-suffering, to bear with the offenses of others. No matter how harsh of a disagreement, we are challenged to assume that our opponents felt compelled by their own different convictions (unless, of course, we have obvious evidence of their ill will).

An older pastor who walked through a painful church split shared this challenging perspective with my husband: “Despite all the heartache in our congregation, I believe those who created controversy and later left were trying to act in the best interest of the church.” What a gracious way to view the actions and words that caused such painful wounds.

And, in addition to assuming the best of others, we can also ask God to examine our own hearts (Psalm 139:23–24). How might we have contributed to the pain we’re experiencing? Have we harbored bitterness or resentment toward others? And if we discover any wrong in ourselves (and we often will!), we can rejoice that God freely forgives us and covers us by the blood of Christ.

6. Jesus is worth any heartache.

My heartbroken friend knew she had a choice to make: either guard herself from pain through withdrawal and isolation or trust God by continuing to love and invest in others. By God’s grace, she’s choosing the latter. The hardship she faced in church ministry propelled her to lean on Jesus for strength to keep going.

Jesus is worth any suffering that we endure on this earth. Our possessions, reputation, and earthly significance all pale in comparison to the treasure we have in him. Our pain in ministry either can leave us jaded and isolated from others, fearing the next hurt, or it can move us to trust Christ for the radical grace and love that only he can provide.

So, don’t give up. For the joy set before you (Hebrews 12:2), persevere through this “light momentary affliction” in love (2 Corinthians 4:17), in the strength that God supplies (1 Peter 4:11), for the eternal glory of God and for the eternal good of Christ’s church.