Recently, as I watched my eleven-month-old make a mad dash for the open dishwasher, it struck me as remarkably similar to how we can approach God in prayer. Our hearts, like my son’s hands, desire to have, hold, and enjoy. Earthly objects appear good and precious before us. We reach for them through prayer — unaware of whether we reach for a spoon or a knife.

The God to whom we pray is our sovereign and kind Father. He cares whether his material gifts do service or harm to his children’s souls, and he truly knows the difference between spoons and knives, bread and stones, fish and serpents (Matthew 7:9–11). So, whenever necessary, his love says, “No.” His hands gently pull us back, shutting the door.

All the while, he assures us that he is not a Father who delights to withhold but to fulfill — fully, finally, and forever, with the only Object in all existence that can really satisfy us: himself (Psalm 16:11). Here I am; here is fullness of joy. What you wanted would have hurt you by giving you less of me. Fear not. I have not withheld myself. You shall be full.

But we are often too busy wandering around the base of a dishwasher to hear him.

Pray for God

Do you feel like one prayer after another is going unanswered? Is prayer an exercise in disappointment, sorrow, or even bitterness — not faith, fellowship, and joy? Jesus sees you, and he wants to free you from experiencing prayer as frustration. But to do that, he will ask you to stop asking mostly for more of his gifts. He will ask you to ask ultimately for more of him.

He says the same to all his sheep: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). Goods and kindred will not do. The good shepherd does not make us lie down in green pastures so that we can become sick on grass. Times of comfort, along with valleys of death, are for communion with Christ. He alone knows how much is too much — of both ease and affliction.

Our prayer life reveals whether our spiritual taste buds prefer certain circumstances above everlasting satisfaction in Christ, the Bread of Life and Living Water (John 6:35; 4:10). As J.I. Packer puts it, “I believe that prayer is the measure of the man, spiritually, in a way that nothing else is, so that how we pray is as important a question as we can ever face” (My Path of Prayer, 56). Does prayer mostly leave us hungry for any goods we didn’t get? Or, whatever the outcome, is it satisfying enough for us to know that as we pour out our hearts in prayer (Psalm 62:8), we pour them out to a Father infinitely more invested in those hearts than even we are?

Our nearsighted, half-hearted requests do not surprise him. He has given us a way to steer our prayers and, with them, our desires aright: “Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full” (John 16:24). In When I Don’t Desire God, John Piper paraphrases Jesus’s words this way: “In all your asking look for the fullness of joy in me. In this way all your asking will glorify me” (148). Whatever you request, request it with an eye to lasting delight — request it with an eye to getting more of me, whatever else you may get.

In response to prayers for God to glorify himself by satisfying us in himself, his answer is as timeless as his Son: yes. Jesus says so: “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you” (John 15:7). If whatever you wish is that your joy would be full — that you would get God, come what may — that wish will be granted. It simply will.

“Prayer cannot survive by prayer alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.”

Not by a genie, but by a Father who gave his only Son so that you could and would believe in him (John 3:16). Be satisfied in him. Trust him. Treasure him. Genies give gifts. God gives himself (even in his gifts). He gives exceeding joy and gets exceeding glory for being our exceeding joy. The more we pray to this end, the more our prayers will be answered, and the less we will sit sullen and confused before an over-rubbed lamp (or before a dishwasher, in my son’s case).

Hear to Speak

Notice the all-important if in Jesus’s words in John 15:7: “If . . . my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” If our prayers are going to power joy in Christ, Christ’s words must power our prayers. And if his words are going to power our prayers, we must open our Bibles.

So often, our prayer-problems (and therefore our joy-problems) begin not with delayed speech but with impaired hearing. Whether in the midst of Eden or east of it, humans have never started conversations with God, but he with us. Stop at any point in redemptive history, and you will find God already there — speaking.

Every atom in existence, especially those that form you and me, can be traced back to the One who said, “Let . . .” When Adam and Eve fell and then tried to flee, God’s voice chased after them: “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:9). Though he cast humankind from his holy presence, still he would not cease to reveal himself to us. Now he would do so “by the word of the Lord” (1 Samuel 3:21). In time, this Word would miraculously take on flesh and dwell among us (John 1:14). Today, anytime Christians pray in faith, it is because Christ the Word already dwells richly in us by his Spirit.

So, prayers spoken in faith do begin not with our mouths but with our ears and remain in lifelong orbit insofar as the Scriptures, and therefore the Son, remain at the center of the Christian solar system. Prayer cannot survive by prayer alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God (Matthew 4:4).

Psalm 56 illustrates this powerful pattern of God’s words drawing out our words. As David composed this poem, he lay captive to the Philistines. Yet David’s danger strengthened, rather than squashed, his resolve to pray: “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you” (verse 3). David is afraid, so David is praying. And the reason David is praying is because David has been hearing: “In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?” (verse 4). The praiseworthy word of God is the basis for David’s deep trust in God. And so he prays.

Our own voices will cry out like David, “God, I trust you!” to the degree that our hearts grasp the utter trustworthiness of God like David. Also like David, only God’s own voice can draw such trust and its attendant prayerfulness out of us. When we try to pray from thin air, our minds feel fuzzy, and our voices are quick to crack. But when we pray in response to and alongside God’s voice — it’s like going from ten thousand feet above sea level to standing on the shore. Our prayers will enjoy enough oxygen to last a lifetime.

Impossible Prayers

Whether we’ve walked with God for one year or fifty, no one is above lessons in prayer. Just as the first disciples asked Jesus to teach them to pray (Luke 11:1), so should we. Left to ourselves, our prayers tend to trail the path of unbelieving prayers, requests that flow from hearts interested only in getting gifts (James 4:3), not in getting the Giver himself within every gift (James 1:17).

If we want our prayers to be a means to unshakable soul-joy, we will ask God to do what he wants within all our wants. And if we want God’s wants to become ours, we will learn the words and lean into the Spirit of the only Man who desired and delighted in God perfectly all the days of his life.

If we pause for a moment to check the pulse of our own delight in God, we may be tempted to tremble with the twelve disciples. “Who then can be saved?” (Matthew 19:25). But such fear is only for those who would refuse the God-appointed means to making the impossible possible: prayer. Ultimately, we cannot think, read, or even meditate our way to joy in God. Joy in God is a gift from God. If we are to have it, we must ask God for it. We must pray.

As we imperfectly pursue him, he will perfectly answer our prayers for earthly circumstances and material goods. We will watch him direct scalpels and OBs, provide last-minute funds and 24/7 friends. We will marvel as he restores broken marriages, returns wayward children, and resets quarreling churches. May we never doubt our Father’s eagerness to hear from us and give to us (Matthew 7:11).

But our Father is not mostly concerned with preserving his children’s comforts. No, he is dead set on safeguarding his children’s souls. The Hound of Heaven will not be reduced to Earth’s Vending Machine (or a Divine Dishwasher). Hallelujah! We cannot tell whether what we request is a spiritual razor blade or a rich blessing. But our sovereign and saving God can. He will give only what is good for us and glorifying to him — everything we need for our joy in him to be full.

“Who’s going to ride in the front?” I asked my sister. We were standing on a Florida sidewalk, staring at a beautiful sky-blue tandem bike. It was ours for the next four hours.

“I will,” she said confidently. And I was secretly glad. The proverbial bicycle-built-for-two was somewhat scary in person. How on earth are we going to make it go without falling over? I thought.

I carefully lifted my leg over the back wheels and grabbed hold of the nonfunctioning handlebars in front of me. She jumped onto the front seat and aimed the wheel toward Highway 30A, ready to begin our teenage adventure of biking to town for lunch.

Bicycle Built for Two

Marrying a man is like climbing onto the back of a tandem bike.

You already knew how to ride a normal bike. That was second nature; it was simple. If you crashed, you crashed. But you were the only person who got a skinned knee, and you were the only person to blame for the fall.

When you marry a man, you climb off that solo bike and voluntarily climb onto the back of a tandem bike. Like it or not, your husband has been set on the front end, and he is responsible for what happens to that bike. You have now entered a relationship of leadership and response in which you both experience the falls, the views, and the victories — together.

Being in the front seat of a tandem bike is tough. But as it turns out, the back seat is a terrifying challenge of its own. While riding with my sister, I quickly learned that the second position on a tandem bike requires fearlessness, hard work, and skill. To get moving, you have to pick up your feet — without knowing exactly what the person in front is about to do. Then you have to pedal hard — as hard as if you were the solo biker — but without steering. Then you have to develop the art of leaning with the person in front, putting your feet back down just as the brakes are being applied, and watching the leader’s head for signs of the next turn.

Following a man’s lead requires even more fearlessness, hard work, and skill. But when the relationship of leadership and response is working well, it is as head-turning as a sky-blue tandem bicycle sailing down the boardwalk. And when a man’s strength is directed toward a goal — building a church, a home, a ministry, or a business — you, as a wife, will soon discover that you’re in a unique position to double that strength.

But you’ll also discover that, if you were to choose to work against him, your position on the tandem bike makes it easy for you to do so. All you’d have to do is put your feet down. He might be able to muscle the bike forward, but the going will be slow, frustrating, and awkward. If you really wanted, you might even be able to stop him in his tracks. You can tear your own house down with your bare hands (Proverbs 14:1).

It’s easy to ride in the second position poorly. Many women do. Sapping the strength of a man is easy. But learning to augment his strength, to bring compound growth from his masculine energies so that together you are more than the sum of your parts — that is a true challenge. It’s also the kind of glory that ricochets into the world and down through generations. To this end, consider three ways that a wife can double, rather than hinder, her husband’s strength.

1. Cheer him on.

Don’t ever underestimate what praise can do for a man. Many have seen what it looks like when a frustrated wife tries to motivate her passive husband to bigger and better things by reminding him daily of his failures. Faced with the disappointments of marriage, she tries to communicate his failures to him more, and in more detail — as if the problem is a gap in information.

Has she forgotten the “catch more flies with honey” principle, something she may have understood as a child or even a young woman going on dates? A kind word, a “thank you” with a smile, an intentional piece of feedback about something he does well — this is how you motivate any human person, male or female. But for a man, it is perhaps most crucial.

The flow of criticism is how you hamstring him. It is how you become a thorn in his side instead of a rib under his arm. It is the way you sap his strength and vitality.

“In submitting to your Savior, you will learn the lesser art of submitting to the man he has joined you to.”

If you want to double his strength, encourage his heart, fill his sails with air and get the ship moving, words of grace are perhaps the greatest tool you possess. Use those words! Remember that as the person in the front seat, he has a witness looking over his shoulder at every mistake he has made since the day he jumped off his solo bike and started learning how to steer this much bigger and heavier one. Have mercy on him, and be the kind of witness who makes him feel bigger, not smaller.

Share your thoughts and dreams, and listen attentively to his, watching for the areas of overlap. Be the person who says, “Yes, and . . .” instead of, “But what about . . . ?” and, “Thank you for . . .” instead of, “Why didn’t you . . . ?”

2. Pedal hard in your gifts.

The rear position on the bike is anything but passive. That was the biggest surprise to me when I was navigating the Florida sidewalks with my sister — it was hard and necessary work. She couldn’t have done it without me. But with my focused energy — with our energies combined — we achieved both grace and speed, even on that oversized boat of a bicycle.

When you develop your own feminine giftings — in hospitality (Proverbs 31:15, 20), in wise biblical counsel (Proverbs 31:26), in side hustles (Proverbs 31:16, 18, 24), in exercise (Proverbs 31:17), in fearless faith (Proverbs 31:25), in training children (Proverbs 31:28), in budgeting (Proverbs 31:21), in planning and organization (Proverbs 31:27) — you extend your husband’s reach beyond anything he could accomplish alone. Like the woman in Proverbs 31, your uniquely feminine skills are necessary to reach the family’s goals and even to establish your husband’s reputation (Proverbs 31:23). You will do him good, and not harm, all the days of your life (Proverbs 31:12).

He will be better able to tend to his responsibilities if you are tending to yours with all the creativity and diligence you possess. His peace of mind and enjoyment of life, his productivity and the health of your children — much of this comes down to the excellence of a wife.

Pedal hard, and watch the road fly by.

3. Follow his lead.

A personal temptation of mine is to forget this one. I will often set out on a mission of extending my husband’s reach, of being the Proverbs 31 woman with many hobbies and projects, ostensibly to support my husband from the back of the bike and double his strength.

But often, when I’m running at full speed in pursuit of a given “family goal,” I discover that I’ve forgotten to check that goal against the litmus test of his vision and leading, or even just his personal desires. This is where the rubber meets the road in helping our husbands: Can we trust his direction when he points the steering wheel down a street on which we’d rather not go, or when he misses the turn we assumed he wanted to take?

Does he want your whole family to eat gluten-free? Does he want you to have that side gig as an influencer? Does he want you to spend time teaching a class for other people’s kids when it seems to be a season of extra neediness for your own toddler? Does he really care whether you have your own chickens or become a screen-free family? Obviously, there are areas of life where your husband will not have an opinion, some that he will even explicitly tell you to place under your own domain. But it is still best to ask. And his answers may surprise you.

A wise man will listen to the case his wife makes for a passion project, a new personal discipline, or a ministry opportunity. He will hear her out as she describes possible shortcuts or scenic routes. But in the end, your husband is the one who has been placed behind the wheel. A wise woman will learn to make her case with an open hand, and then she will actually follow the course that he charts.

This, in turn, will free him up for better decision-making and more confident leadership. If he often has to go back and reiterate his desires because you choose not to hear them the first time, it saps energy from both of you.

Submission to Your Savior

When I was young, my dad would talk to us girls about how much power a woman can pump into her husband’s life if she supports and respects him. “You can be the wind in his wings,” he would say. I was completely on board.

I didn’t understand the challenge until I got married. I never realized how high the stakes would feel when you’re with a man for life — the rest of your life — and if he makes a mistake on the front of that bike, you experience the consequences.

This is where it is so important to understand what the dance of masculine leadership and feminine response is really all about. You don’t submit to a man because he is such a godlike being, because all his ways are glory, all his insights are profound, all his plans will come to pass, and every movement of his beatific face sends you into ecstasies of admiration. You submit to a man because your God, your King, your Savior has told you to do so.

All of Christ’s ways are glory. All of his insights are profound. All of his plans will come to pass. The God-man who has always deserved every ounce of your love, energy, and allegiance has choreographed this dance for you and your husband, and he has given you feminine steps to walk through. It is for your good and his glory.

That is the motive. That is the vision you pursue. If your husband doesn’t always inspire complete confidence — because he is a human man on a heavy bike, and life is hard — that is all right. He is not the one who holds your family in the palm of his hand. He is the image and glory of God, but he is not God himself.

If your husband is in Christ, God is making him into somebody who is more glorious with every passing year. He is doing the same for you. But the two of you — in your fallen, dying bodies and with your simple, selfish thoughts — were never the thing to believe in.

In submitting to your Savior, you will learn the lesser art of submitting to the man he has joined you to. Primarily, you will learn to trust your perfect, omnipotent Leader to bring you through the sweet and sorrowful things he has ordained for you and your family. You know he has promised to triumph and glorify himself in your life, even in failure. And as this Man fills your vision, you’ll be filled with the strength you need to pick up your feet and lean with the imperfect leader who is on the bike in front of you.

My son, give me your heart,     and let your eyes observe my ways. (Proverbs 23:26)

This simple proverb is embedded in a series of exhortations and warnings about the dangers of prostitutes and drunkenness. Its simplicity masks its profundity. In thirteen words, it cuts to the heart of parenting and, when consistently embraced, orients everything else we do in raising our children.

The two exhortations together express the remarkable exchange that we’re after in our fathering and our mothering. As our children grow up in our homes, we want to receive something from them, and we want them to receive something from us. We want their hearts, and we want them to have our ways.

Heartbeat of Parenting

The biblical calling on parents is to raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). There are many aspects to this calling. We teach and admonish. We establish rules and enforce them. We provide instruction and correction. We rebuke and train and equip our children for life. But if we are seeking to raise them “in the Lord,” then we must keep our eye on the ball. We are after their heart.

It’s easy to lose sight of this. It’s easy to give instruction and discipline because we want our child’s obedience, or because we want some peace and quiet, or because we have important work to do and the fussing, whining, quarreling, and provoking happening in the kitchen is an interruption.

Of course, correction is important. Fussing, whining, quarreling, and provoking are all sins to be addressed. We do want their obedience, and we’re responsible to God to instruct them and discipline them. A peaceful home is a blessing to everyone in it. But it is far too easy to address the sins and lose sight of what’s ultimate. It’s possible to lose sight of the fact that what we really want is obedience from the heart, peace and quiet from the heart. What we want is their heart.

“Is the heartbeat of your parenting, ‘My son, give me your heart’?”

This means that our instructions, admonitions, warnings, corrections, exhortations, and discipline must all flow from our desire to gain their hearts. Ask yourself: When you’re setting the rules, are you after their heart? When you instruct them in God’s laws, are you after their heart? When you enforce the rules, whether God’s laws or house rules, are you after their heart? When you say yes to their requests, are you after their heart? When you say no to their requests, are you after their heart?

In all that you do as a parent, is Solomon’s proverb present in your words, attitudes, and actions? Is the heartbeat of your parenting, “My son, give me your heart”?

Now, seeking their heart is only one side of the equation. The other side is what we hope to give to them. “Let your eyes observe my ways.” A better translation might be, “Let your eyes delight in my ways.” The word observe does not refer to mere disinterested attention. It shows up in passages like these:

The Lord takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love. (Psalm 147:11)

The Lord takes pleasure in his people; he adorns the humble with salvation. (Psalm 149:4)

The Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights. (Proverbs 3:12)

When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him. (Proverbs 16:7)

The sense of the exhortation is this: “My son, look with delight upon the way I conduct myself. Gladly accept my way of life.” In other words, the call is not merely for the son to observe his father’s conduct, but to aspire to imitate it, to follow it, to make his father’s ways his own.

Our ways refer to our habitual conduct, the pattern of thoughts, words, attitudes, and actions that define us. In other words, this is our actual way of walking in the world. It’s not mainly about what we profess, but what we practice. Think of it as your standard operating procedure. This is what our children are exhorted to gladly observe, accept, and follow.

In this sense, the manner of our speech is as important as the content of our speech. It’s not just what we say and do, but how we say and do it. So consider your attitude, your demeanor, your tone of voice, and ask yourself some probing questions.

Do you give instruction with exasperation or with cheerfulness? Do you correct with patience or with frustration? If someone else were in the room when you exhort and discipline your children, would they describe your tone as harsh or firm? Biting or kind? Angry or gentle? What sort of “way” are you asking them to gladly imitate and own? One that abruptly reacts with sharp intensity, or one that wisely responds with sober-minded stability?

Giving Their Hearts to God

These two exhortations hang together. Our ways will be more delightful to them if we are gladly seeking their hearts. One of our fundamental callings is to be the smile of God to our children. That is the heartbeat of our ways. And in reflecting God’s smile, we are also seeking their hearts and calling them to observe, receive, accept, and own our ways.

“Ultimately, we want our children to give their hearts to God. Giving their hearts to us is practice.”

But not just our ways. Ultimately, we want our children to give their hearts to God. Giving their hearts to us is practice for this ultimate giving. They give their hearts to an earthly father (and mother) so that they can learn to give their hearts to their heavenly Father. Gladly observing and imitating our ways is a stepping stone to observing and imitating God’s ways.

But perhaps we can say even more. Jesus tells us that there is a way of receiving children in his name that is also a receiving of Jesus himself. “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me” (Mark 9:37). The two acts of receiving — receiving children and receiving Jesus — become one, because the first is done in his name. When you receive children in Jesus’s name, what do you have in the end? You have the children, and you have Jesus.

Similarly, there is a way your children can give you their heart that becomes, over time, and by the grace of God, a giving of their heart to God. They give their heart to you, and, if you’re teaching them rightly, they give their heart to you in the name of Jesus. And when they do that, who has their heart in the end? You do, and he does.