Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints
I am often asked how I read so many books. My pat answer is something like this: “The more you read, the easier it gets. When you’ve read 8 books on marriage, the 9th goes really quickly.” The point is that there is a kind of sameness to Christian publishing where books tend to focus on the same themes, exposit the same passages, quote the same authors, and in the end say roughly the same things. It’s awfully refreshing, then, when you encounter a book that is different and distinct. And that’s exactly the case with Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn’s Gospel-Shaped Marriage: Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints.
“This is a book for couples, but not just couples,” they say. “The institution of marriage is an integral part of the life of the Christian church. Time spent thinking about marriage will help some of us be more thoughtful about married life and all of us be more prayerful. For that reason, we appeal directly to married people throughout, but we also have in mind those who are only thinking about marriage or who want to support married people. There are no R-rated scenes. There are only helps for the married, prompts for those who want to pray, and encouragements for those who wish to defend and promote the institution of marriage, this gift from God that every church member ought to treasure, whether married or not.”
There are a few features of the book that the authors point out as distinguishing it from many others: its brevity (it’s just 160 pages), its focus on Christian spouses as being both sinners and saints (and therefore capable of great sin but also true holiness), and the way that, instead of drawing from contemporary books on marriage, it looks instead to the distant past (and especially to William Gouge’s classic Domestical Duties).
Gospel-Shaped Marriage begins with a brief explanation of what the Bible says about marriage—the basics that we can no longer take for granted in this age of confusion and deliberate deconstruction. They then set marriage in its redemptive-historical context, using Augustine of Hippo’s framework to show how marriage is different in its garden variety, in its fallen state, in its redeemed state, and in its future state. “The marriage of eternity is better than the marriage of time. In heaven, the all-fulfilling relationship will not be between man and woman, but between God in Christ and the church as his bride. It was not good for Adam to be without Eve in the garden, but it will be fine for him to be without her in the new heavens and the new earth. Marriage is eternal in its significance, not because it lasts for eternity, but because it can be used to equip us for eternity.”
The third chapter is an important one as it deals with grace in marriage and the tricky matter of mutual submission. They draw some fascinating insights from Gouge that “Ephesians 5 is not an improvement guide for spouses … On the contrary, we are told one another’s duties for the purpose of making their work a joy to them—just as Scripture puts it, in another context, for ministers and church members (Heb. 13:17).” There are very practical consequences to this: “Are husbands to love their wives (to pick one example of a duty)? Then wives are to make themselves as lovable as possible, for this is the principal way of helping a husband with his own duty to love her. Is a wife supposed to respect her husband? Then he needs to do his best to be worthy of respect in order to help her respect him.”
The subsequent chapters turn to the particular place of women in marriage, then to the particular place of men, focusing still on the New Testament’s key verses on marriage from Ephesians 5. A chapter titled “Winning in Marriage” looks at troubled marriages, “Family and Marriage” discusses leaving parents and adding children, while “Bedtime in Marriage” turns to intimacy and sexuality—topics that are covered with appropriate levels of detail and discretion. It wraps up with “Growing in Marriage,” which is about mutually growing in grace.
Gospel-Shaped Marriage is as good a book on marriage as any I’ve read and one I plan to recommend often and read alongside others. Though it could be a good option for pre-marriage reading, it would definitely be a perfect option for a mid-marriage refresher. If I was asked to offer an improvement, I might suggest that, while the word should is used frequently, it is not always clear how that word of moral obligation is linked to biblical commands. Yes, we can have confidence that “the first thing we should look for in a marriage is someone of the opposite sex,” but I’d say it is more difficult to demand that “Christian couples should ask how they can pray for each other in the morning.” While one of these is a biblical mandate, the other is merely a wise suggestion, and I always consider it helpful to distinguish between the two.
Over the past few years we have seen a sudden outburst of gospel-driven, gospel-focused, gospel-shaped, and other gospel-hyphenated books. Gospel-Shaped Marriage is among the best of them and, I suspect, among the few that will have some longevity—and that’s because marriage truly is shaped by the gospel since it exists to display the gospel. It combines sound biblical teaching with helpful real-life application and does so in a way that can help change, improve, and perhaps even transform any marriage.
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A La Carte (August 23)
Good morning. May grace and peace be with you today.
You will find a small list of Kindle deals today.
There is some big news in the family: my Abby got engaged! Her boyfriend fiancé Nathan asked her the big question yesterday. We are so very happy for them.
9 Things You Should Know About the Taliban
Joe Carter: “Twenty years ago, the United States overthrew the Taliban government in Afghanistan for harboring Osama bin Laden and providing training grounds for Al-Qaeda terrorists. This month, the Taliban has returned to power after U.S. military forces withdrew and the Afghan government collapsed. Here is what you should know about the brutal Islamist regime.”
Is the Church I’m Going To “A Cult”?
“So how can you tell if the church you are attending is ‘a cult’ or just a little bit different than the church next door?” This is a pretty good explanation.
Church Closed
Kevin Davis: “The truly frightening thing about this church is just how much of it is in all of us, in our churches, in the individuals who make up the churches, and in the leaders who lead them. We inspect others, not out of a love for God and neighbour, and not out of a love for those who are being duped by the false teachings. Not at all.”
Show, Don’t Just Tell
“It’s a key principle of educational philosophy: Show, don’t just tell. Communicating ideas is a good thing. But it’s even better if you can show your work, present persuasive argumentation, explain it clearly, and illustrate it vividly. The show-don’t-just-tell principle has many applications for teachers and leaders of all stripes.”
Unintended Consequences Of Failure Porn
This is worth considering. “It’s the irony that bugs me. We’re listening to a podcast critiquing celebrity culture within the church, and responding to it with all the glee of someone flicking through a celebrity gossip magazine. Apparently oblivious to the hypocrisy. A podcast criticising how the Mars Hill cult leveraged branding and technology to send their message globally is now using the very same technology and platforms, and gaining a cult following.”
I Make, I Carry, I Save
Idolatry, it turns out, comes in many forms…
The Deeper Beliefs Begin to Come Out
This is an interesting look at a culture’s deeper beliefs. “It can feel like the years of steady teaching and discipleship have failed to trickle down into the places of the soul where it really counts. Are the basic means of grace actually enough to transform these people? is a question I find myself wrestling with.”
Flashback: When It’s Time To Remember All the Stupid Things You’ve Said
When you hear how others have spoken idly of you, don’t over-react. A moment’s reflection will remind you that you’ve done the very same thing a million times over.The world has been enriched more through the poverty of its saints than by the wealth of its millionaires. —F.B. Meyer
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A Family Update for the Holiday Season
I am so glad that the holiday season is finally upon us. And as much as I enjoy all the feasts and festivities, what I’m most looking forward to is days of rest and times with family. We anticipate that the next couple of weeks will be fairly low-key, and that’s okay by us.
2023 has been a unique year for me as I completed the great majority of the travel for Worship Round the World. I visited 25 countries, worshipped with a local church in 13 of them, spent time with Christians in a further 7, and recorded hundreds of hours of video. My travel app tells me I flew about 160,000 miles and spent just over 14 days in the air. My body tells me I may have overdone it a little. But I can’t even begin to describe what a blessing it was to meet so many wonderful people and worship with so many beautiful churches. The book and documentary are now both well underway and I look forward to sharing it all with you in due time.
Next year should be significantly quieter, though I do intend to do a little more speaking at conferences. I’ll be at events in Calgary, Vancouver, Los Angeles, and Dallas, among others. I’ll also be speaking briefly in Brazil and Albania, and making a two-week trip through Italy, Austria, and Romania. Okay, so maybe next year won’t be that much quieter. Either way, I’d love to meet you at one of those events!
But for most of 2024, I’ll be focusing on the blog—on writing articles just as I’ve done for the past 20+ years. Blogging is still what I love the best.
As for the family:
Michaela is home for the holidays and it is a delight to have her around again. While Aileen and I enjoyed our first stretch of empty-nesting, there’s something to be said for having a little more life and activity in the home! Michaela is taking one course remotely during the break while also working whatever hours she can get from a nearby grocery store.
Nathan and Abby will be making their way up in early January to spend some time here. And, as importantly, they will be doing Nathan’s immigration paperwork (i.e. getting landed). They should both be graduating from Boyce College in May and plan to move this way shortly thereafter. Their first challenge will be to find a place to live in the crazy Toronto-area rental market. We are praying they find just the right work and living situations.
Ryn is living and working in Louisville. We don’t anticipate seeing her over the holidays, but will get some time with her when we visit Louisville in the spring and when we enjoy a family vacation together in the summer.
Aileen continues to work part-time as an administrative assistant for a neighbor who is in real estate. She also gives a lot of her time to overseeing the Early Years Ministry at our church, which includes the bustling nursery and preschool programs.
As we head into the holidays, I plan to maintain a slightly lighter-than-usual blogging schedule, but will still have something for you every day. In the meantime, may God bless and keep you and those who are dear to you through this season of celebration. -
Our Hearts Are Restless
Sometimes we all need just a little bit of help when we pray. Sometimes it is good for us to borrow the prayers of other people and put them to use ourselves. And for just that reason, here’s a lovely prayer from St. Augustine (as found in the excellent little book Fount of Heaven. Perhaps it will give you words to pray today.
Great are you, O Lord, and greatly to be praised.
Great is your power. Your wisdom is infinite, and we praise you.
We, who are just a particle of your creation. We, who carry our mortality with us—the witness of our sin, and the witness that you resist the proud.
Yet we praise you.
You awaken us to delight in your praise. For you made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it finds its place of rest in you.
Grant me, Lord, to know and understand which is first: to call on you, or to praise you? To know you, or to call on you? For who can call on you, not knowing you? Whoever does not know you might call on you as someone other than you really are.
Or rather, do we call on you so that we may know you? But how do they call on him in whom they have not believed? Or how will they believe without a preacher? (Romans 10:14).
And whoever seeks the Lord will praise him: for they that seek will find him, and they that find will praise him.
I will seek you, Lord, by calling on you. And I will call on you, believing in you, because you have been preached to us.
With the faith you have given me, I will call on you. That faith has inspired me, through the incarnation of your Son, through the ministry of the preacher.
Amen.
