Properly understood, The Common Rule is not about self-denial or asceticism for its own sake; it is an expression of joyful willingness—the desire to embrace a new way of life in which we don’t sacrifice what is best for what is easiest. 

We underestimate the power of habits, especially those we adopt unconsciously, as a result of our busy and hurried lives. We like to think of ourselves as spontaneous and authentic in our worship and work, when in reality we’re enslaved to habits and patterns that dominate our waking moments. As a consequence, we are wonderless in an age of wonders. Our technology has only freed us up . . . to live like slaves.
In This Is Our Time, I tried to apply insights from each chapter to our everyday lives, so that Christian faithfulness would take shape in habits, both individually and communally. One of the recommendations I made was that we prompt ourselves to give priority to God’s Word by making our bedrooms “phone free” and by opening the Bible in the morning to read and pray before we grab the phone and check in. Out of all the practices I recommended in This Our Time, the “Scripture before phone” application has come up in conversation with readers more frequently than anything else.
A recent reader of my book, Justin Whitmel Earley, has developed a website called The Common Rule and is writing a book on the power of “habits of love for an age of chaos.” I was excited to see the “Scripture before phone” practice recommended there, as well as the daily habit of “kneeling prayer” (in which our bodies and hearts are united in inclining ourselves to God). Justin includes other habits as well, both daily and weekly, and the patterns he recommends are intentional in turning us outward to loving God and the people around us. He writes:

If we are going to live lives shaped by the love of God and neighbor, we need to think about our habits. The vast majority of our lives are governed by habit. We are not formed simply by our deepest beliefs and greatest aspirations, but also the most ordinary of habits that guide our everyday lives. We usually don’t think about these habits, and that’s why they matter so much.

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Written by Jonathan D. Holmes and Deepak Reju |
Monday, December 13, 2021
As you consider the strengths and weaknesses of your accountability style, remember that, in the end, a struggler needs to be willing to do the hard work of fighting sin and pursuing faith. If you are constantly tracking her down or pressuring her to take the next step, you should back off and talk about her lack of motivation. “Are you willing to do what it takes? And if not, why not?” Even the best accountability can’t save an apathetic struggler. Only God can.

The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are.—C. S. Lewis, “Hamlet: The Prince or the Poem?”
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. —Galatians 6:2
Do you know what wisdom is? It’s not just knowing about God and his Word but faithfully applying God’s Word to everyday life.
Solomon tells us, “Wisdom is the focus of the discerning, but the eyes of a fool wander to the ends of the earth” (Prov. 17:24 BSB). The discerning care so much about wisdom that they make it their focus. Wisdom is better than gold or fine jewels (see Prov. 8:11; 16:16). It’s valuable and worth pursuing. Contrast the discerning with the fool, whose eyes roam to the ends of the earth. The fool has no purpose, no focus, and no goals. He wanders through life without clear direction or wisdom to guide him.
King Solomon also writes, “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm” (Prov. 13:20). He warns us, “Take heed to the company you keep.” If a struggler walks with wise people, she will become wise. If she chooses to spend time with fools, their foolishness will hurt her—or, even worse, she too will become a fool.
Porn strugglers desperately need wisdom, regardless of how aware they are of that need. They are not meant to fight this problem on their own. Accountability is crucial to their fight for survival, because faith is not an isolated pursuit but is relationally driven. What effect are you having on a struggler? You will either help or hurt her sin struggles.
In this chapter, we’ll look at nine characteristics of good accountability. Our goal is to help you to evaluate your efforts and see which areas of your accountability need improvement.
GOOD ACCOUNTABILITY IS TOUGH
Accountability serves a struggler well if it presses into his life and roots out his sin. These intrusive conversations are tough. The vulnerability that they require is hard because fear, shame, and guilt motivate the struggler to hide his sin and not expose himself. It’s incredibly uncomfortable for a person to let others take a hard look at his sin. Yet vulnerability is necessary for survival. It exposes the ugliness of the sin as well as all the fears, despair, heartache, and messiness that surround it.
Superficial relationships don’t root out sin and build hope. You need to go deep, even when it’s tough. As the accountability partner, are you willing to ask hard, awkward, and direct questions? “Did you masturbate this week?” “Did you lie to anyone this week?” “Is there anything you are hiding from me?” Make sure you are not presuming you know all the right questions. The struggler knows his heart better than anyone else. Ask him, “Am I missing something? What else should I ask?”
You can ask tough questions all day long, but if your friend isn’t honest and vulnerable with you, you are wasting your time. If strugglers are hiding things, not sharing the entire truth, or, even worse, lying to you, they undermine your ability to help. For accountability to work, the struggler has to be willing to respond to your tough questions with brutal honesty.
This means that even as you are tough in your accountability, you should do everything you can to celebrate and encourage honest responses from your friend. I (Deepak) had a friend call me the other day and share with me that he’d fallen back into sexual sin and was viewing porn. My immediate response was, “I really appreciate how honest you are being with me about some very difficult struggles in your life.” I affirmed his honesty because I know that’s what God wants—that my friend would not hide but bring his sin into the light (see Prov. 28:13).
Take a risk—ask your friend about the nitty-gritty, ugly details of his life. Ask about the foulest parts of his heart. His sin will naturally push against this, wanting him to conceal or deny them, but redemption will beckon him to be truthful in all his ways. Solomon states, “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips” (Prov. 24:26 NIV). Just as a kiss is delightful, so also is honesty.
GOOD ACCOUNTABILITY IS CONSISTENT
Good, consistent accountability is frequent and reliable.
Frequent help is better than infrequent help. Inconsistent accountability shows up occasionally but not often enough. Sin daily finds ways to muck up a struggler’s life. If he lets it go unchecked for too long, it makes a mess of things. Your friend needs your repeated assistance in order to slow down and prevent the mess.
And when an accountability person does show up, he needs to follow through with what he has promised. For example, if you get filter reports, do you contact the struggler when something unhelpful shows up? If you don’t, you’re being unreliable. Because porn struggles are wreaking havoc in his life, a struggler needs help that is regular and reliable.
GOOD ACCOUNTABILITY IS LOCAL
Local accountability is much more useful than distant accountability. Often we’ll ask a struggler, “Who is your accountability partner?” and she’ll respond, “So-and-so, who is a good friend from a few years ago, when I lived in a different part of the country, still checks on me.” Having someone who can check on the porn struggler only via technology (email, text, video call, and so on) is not ideal. At best, this kind of accountability offers only a slice of the struggler’s life rather than a look at his entire life. Relationships that are sustained through technology are limited in their scope.
In the year 2020, we endured a worldwide pandemic, during which many people isolated themselves and relied on technology to communicate with their friends and family and even to participate in church services. As people began to share life together again, we saw the joy with which the members of our congregations returned to church, hugged one another, and spent time in one another’s presence.
God could have left Adam alone with the animals in the garden of Eden, but he didn’t (see Gen. 2:19–25). He gave Adam a partner (Eve) who was personally present with him throughout his life. Jesus didn’t stay in heaven but came to earth to dwell among us and be personally present with us (see John 1:14; Phil. 2:7–8). And we see that the apostle Paul often yearned to be with his fellow believers, especially when he was locked up in prison (see Rom. 1:11; Phil. 1:8, 4:1; 1 Thess. 3:6; 2 Tim. 1:4).
These things show us that God has designed us, as image bearers, to give the most effective help when we are personally present in other people’s lives. The most powerful way for you to give and receive accountability is for you to be regularly involved in someone’s life. This way, rather than share a few words with an image on a screen, you get to enjoy life with the person you are discipling. You can sit across the table from your friend. Sit next to her in church. Go out to lunch with her. Go for a run with her. Give her a hug. Laugh together. Search the Scriptures and pray together. All this is possible when two people live geographically close to each other.
If you aren’t able to provide local accountability for your friend, can you help your friend to find someone who is?
GOOD ACCOUNTABILITY IS COMMUNAL
Pursuing local accountability is not just about finding folks in close proximity to the struggler but about teaching the struggler to turn to an entire gospel community for help. John Freeman says, “We need a community to help us process our soul’s discouraging elements and learn how to live a life of faith and repentance.”1 Thus the struggler needs godly friends who go to her church.
But why a church? Why can’t the struggler just figure this out with one friend and leave it at that? Consider three reasons.

The Lord tells us that his manifold wisdom is displayed through local churches (see Eph. 3:10). If that is God’s plan, we want to be a part of it! We want to root our accountability in a gospel community.
Scripture tells us there is more success with many counselors (see Prov. 11:14; 24:6) than with one.
It’s not good for the pressure and burdens of accountability to fall on one person’s shoulders. Especially when things get difficult for the struggler, the situation may be

a lot for the discipler or close friend to bear alone. Ideally, several people together will carry the weight of the struggler’s problems, working as a team to care for their friend. This is something churches are designed to do (see Gal. 6:2; Heb. 10:24–25).
So if someone says, “I’m not sure who I should tell,” we respond, “How about someone at church? A small-group leader? A godly discipler? A few of your closest friends at church? And, most importantly, your pastor?”
We all have concentric circles of relationships. Those in the inner circle are our most intimate friends. The further out we go into the concentric circles, the more superficial the relationships get. A struggler tells a few folks from his or her inner circle—a pastor, a small- group leader, a few close friends, and a discipler. It’s normal for the struggler and the discipler to meet up. But what if the small-group leader or pastor occasionally shows up too? They talk, pray, and press in at the same time, working together for the spiritual well-being of the struggler. That way, they all get on the same page about what’s wisest and best in the struggler’s fight against sin and striving for faith.
GOOD ACCOUNTABILITY IS MATURE
Immature accountability is marked by a lack of wisdom. The apostle Paul describes the spiritually immature, who are worldly in their thinking, as infants who drink milk instead of eating solid food (see 1 Cor. 3:1–3; 14:20). All too often, a single person finds another single person who is fighting against sexual sin or a married person finds another married person who also struggles. That makes sense—a friend will understand what the struggler is going through (after all, he or she struggles with the same problem!). However, that friend likely won’t have the aggressive disposition needed to help the struggler to fend off his or her sin (see Matt. 5:27–30).
Instead, accountability must be mature—a godly person who is loving, wise, and faithful, who is a season or two ahead of the struggler, and who doesn’t wrestle with sexual sin. If you are a discipler, does that describe you? If not, where do you fall short? Listed below are criteria to help you to see if you are growing in spiritual maturity:2

Do you hunger for God?
Do you study God’s Word such that you are growing in confidence in God and his promises? Is your life increasingly governed by Scripture?
Do you pray and depend on the Lord for help?
Are you committed to a local gospel-preaching church and modeling for younger believers what commitment looks like? Have you grown more concerned about the needs of others?
Have you become more loving?
Do you grieve over your sin? Are you quick to forgive? Have you learned to apply the gospel to your sin and suffering?

After reading these questions, you might think, “I fall far short. I’m not ready.” If that’s you, it’s good to humbly admit such a thing and then help your friend to find a godly person who is ready to take on this responsibility. (If you are not sure what to think, then consult with your pastor or a wise Christian in your church.) Don’t be surprised if a godly person’s study of the Word and life experience make her well of wisdom much deeper.
GOOD ACCOUNTABILITY IS BROAD
Accountability must be placed in a larger framework of Christian friendship rather than restricted to the topic of fighting the sin of pornography. A relationship quickly becomes static if it is built solely on checking on sexual struggles. Your friend wants help with fighting his lust, but he needs much more: hope for daily struggles, more honest relationships with godly believers, and instruction on applying the gospel to the different aspects of his life. Accountability for sexual sin is just one component of his growth in Christ, and good accountability acknowledges that.
GOOD ACCOUNTABILITY IS GRACIOUS
A gracious attitude is essential for good accountability. You need to encourage the hopeless believer, show kindness to the fool, and love the struggler who has failed for the third time in a week. Remember, it’s God’s kindness that leads a sinner to repentance. If God is kind, shouldn’t you be too? Don’t be harsh and demanding, evoking the law often and displaying little of God’s grace.3 God is the final judge, and he has already forgiven the struggler in Christ. If you act like you, rather than God, are the ultimate judge, repent of that attitude.4
GOOD ACCOUNTABILITY IS FAITH-FOCUSED
Anyone can spend a lot of time focused on the horizontal dimensions of life—building friendships, paying bills, exercising, eating well, working hard, helping a neighbor—and lose sight of the vertical. Don’t lose sight of faith. Faith in Christ is the chief goal.
When I (Jonathan) was meeting with Mateo, I knew he was discouraged because of his repeated falls over the last few weeks. We talked about the tactics of shutting down access to the Internet, not staying up late but getting to bed early, and rebuilding friendships in his church community. But I knew I shouldn’t let him go without talking about Christ. So I asked him, “How does your faith make a difference in the fight against sexual sin?” Over the next few minutes, we had a fruitful conversation about how Mateo wanted to grow in greater trust in Christ. He desired greater faith.
GOOD ACCOUNTABILITY IS WORD-BASED
It is the Word that revives a dead heart and brings life. If you find you are not bringing the Word into enough of your conversations, change course right now. Rather than talking about anything and everything but God’s Word, commit to making your conversations Word-driven.
As you consider the strengths and weaknesses of your accountability style, remember that, in the end, a struggler needs to be willing to do the hard work of fighting sin and pursuing faith. If you are constantly tracking her down or pressuring her to take the next step, you should back off and talk about her lack of motivation. “Are you willing to do what it takes? And if not, why not?” Even the best accountability can’t save an apathetic struggler. Only God can.
Wisdom will grow through tough, consistent, local, communal, mature, broad, gracious, faith-focused, and Word-based accountability. If this is not what you are offering to a struggler, you can change. Ask the Lord for help, and adjust your approach in your next few meetings.
Chapter 7 of the recently released book, Rescue Skills, by Jonathan D. Holmes and Deepak Reju. Used with permission.

Written by Grover E. Gunn |
Thursday, May 5, 2022
Retirement is no substitute for heaven, but retirement can be satisfying. We must find our identity and contentment in our relationship with Jesus Christ. With that foundation laid, we can find meaningful ways to worship and serve God during our retirement years. Living our final years of life as life was meant to be lived should be our goal, as opposed to trying to check off a “bucket list” – a term first used in 2004 – of self-indulgent projects before we “kick the bucket.”

A few years ago I was talking to a member of the church that I pastor, who is about the same age as I am. He said, “Pastor, you do know that we are now in the decade of death?” He was referring to the decade of life during which most people die. Well, no, I hadn’t thought about it, but he was right. The biblical rule of thumb on human longevity is found in the Psalm 90:8, where Moses says, “The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty …” This is a very relevant thought today. The demographic bump called the baby boomers has begun to enter the decade of death. What should we think about that or do about that? If we don’t ask such questions, we are like a pilot flying an airplane after skipping the class on executing a safe landing.
Distinctively Christian Retirement is divided into four major sections. The first is about common misconceptions that people have about retirement. Many think that a few decades of fully funded leisure at the end of life is almost a natural right. The reality is that this is a very modern notion. The book even gives specific dates. The modern concept of retirement originated in 1883, and 65 was designated the magic age of retirement in 1916. Over time, the concept of retirement went from something unimagined to something resisted to something expected. Even today, the modern concept of retirement is largely limited to people living in the more affluent economies of the world. Even in richer economies, the goal of providing a fully funded retirement for all is proving to be financially impractical and politically unsustainable.
Too many people today also anticipate the years of retirement as a secular substitute for heaven. Such an expectation can only result in disappointment. Unstructured days with no meaningful purpose can quickly become boring and even depressing. Retirement years do not last forever, and their enjoyment can be diminished by the effects of aging. A truly satisfying ultimate hope must be unending and unencumbered by the curse of sin. It must be something perfect that yet grows fuller every day. That is heaven properly understood. Heaven will not be a static existence but a growing experience of worshiping and serving God, the essential activities for which humanity was created.
Retirement is no substitute for heaven, but retirement can be satisfying. We must find our identity and contentment in our relationship with Jesus Christ. With that foundation laid, we can find meaningful ways to worship and serve God during our retirement years. Living our final years of life as life was meant to be lived should be our goal, as opposed to trying to check off a “bucket list” – a term first used in 2004 – of self-indulgent projects before we “kick the bucket.”
Distinctively Christian Retirement’s second section looks at what the Bible has to say about the mature years of life. The west especially prioritizes youth and beauty, and as a result undervalues the elderly. As a general rule, long life is a gift from God, and the elderly have wisdom gained from experience. We should also accept that the limitations associated with aging are a part of God’s plan. We should not be surprised by them or bitter because of them.
The book examines the lives of some in the Bible who ran the race of life well to the very end. The book also examines the lives of some who started well but faltered near the end. There are lessons to be learned from both. The book also examines the Bible’s call to obedience as it relates to the elderly. The elderly should not rationalize that they are exempt from seeking first the kingdom of God or from loving God with their total being because of the limitations that come with aging.
The third major section of Distinctively Christian Retirement is about some of the practical challenges of the retirement years. In our elderly years, we need to thread the needle of being open to change without compromising the teachings of Scripture. The elderly should not romanticize the past or refuse to recognize that some changes have been for the better. There is a place for reconsidering some traditions, and there is room for some compromises with the younger generation on how things should be done. Yet the elderly should retain their firm commitment to the principles of Scripture as non-negotiable.
Many years ago, an elderly saint told me that getting old was not for the faint of heart. He was right, and the Bible also recognizes the challenges of aging. The book has some helpful comments on Barzillai’s thoughts on old age (2 Samuel 19:34-35) and on the metaphor laden poem on aging found in Ecclesiastes 12. Yet God takes a special delight in using the weak to accomplish His purposes, and our weaknesses stimulate us to prayer.
The fourth and last major section of Distinctively Christian Retirement is on godly living in retirement. As we age, our opportunities to earn money tend to diminish, and this can be frightening. Yet our resources at all stages of life are gifts that God has entrusted to us as His stewards. Our final hope should not be in our bank account but in God. While trying to be good stewards in supplying their own needs, the elderly should also be generous when the opportunity arises, even when the cost is living a more modest lifestyle.
The elderly should also seek to be involved in the local church. The church can overlook the elderly and isolate them through age-based ministries and worship services. Yet there needs to be a mixing of the generations in the church through which the young have an opportunity to learn from the experiences of the elderly and to minister to the special needs of the elderly. The elderly can contribute to the spiritual health of the church simply through faithful attendance of worship services and certainly through spending time in private prayer for the church. The elderly can even be involved in evangelism and efforts to disciple the culture for Christ. The elderly shouldn’t be deterred by the immensity of the task. As the book says,
A small amount of salt influences the whole dish; you notice when someone has added a pinch of salt to a stew. A small amount of light influences the entire room; even one candle added to a previously dark room means people can see. Christians should be like this in the broader world.
In addition to giving insight and counsel on retirement, this book would also be helpful as a source of ideas for a sermon at a nursing home or at a funeral.
The author of Distinctively Christian Retirement is Simon van Bruchem, Pastor of All Nations Presbyterian Church in Perth, Western Australia. He has served there since 2007.
Dr. Grover Gunn is a Minister in the Presbyterian Church in America and is Pastor of MacDonald PCA in Collins, MS. 
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