More than once, I’ve had such close calls with death that I felt the thinness of the wall between this world and the next. Those moments on the edge of my mortality — whether underwater or in a war zone — were at first breathtaking with suddenness and then sobering with what-ifs. But I was too busy living to think much about dying, and soon those close calls were in the rearview mirror.

However, my latest death threat is no near-miss. Nor can I outrun it. Successive cancer diagnoses in 2019, 2020, and 2021 have struck hard. My situation, though, is no different from what all of us will face because cancer is just another way to die. And one kindness from God I’ve seen (and I can count many of his kindnesses to me in this stretch of my journey) is that cancer has given me a clearer focus on the finish line.

I want to make every stride count — every day meaningful. I want to finish strong. As Eric Liddell, the Olympic gold-medal sprinter turned missionary, famously said, “I run the first two hundred meters as hard as I can. Then for the second two hundred meters, with God’s help, I run harder.” That’s how I want to run the race I’m in right now.

Still, as I pen these lines, I know I haven’t yet finished my course, and I strongly feel Spurgeon’s warning:

The trumpet still plays the notes of war. You cannot sit down and put the victory wreath on your head. You do not have a crown. You still must wear the helmet and carry the sword. You must watch, pray, and fight. Expect your last battle to be the most difficult, for the enemy’s fiercest charge is reserved for the end of the day. (Beside Still Waters, 2)

I am learning much through this experience, and God is certainly increasing my faith; but I admit it’s an uneven work because I am often a poor student. Thankfully, I have a patient Teacher. So, as I continue to press ahead in my race, there are three things I can tell you.

1. Number Your Days

The prayer of Moses in Psalm 90 is full of breathtaking awe and wonder over the God who is “from everlasting to everlasting” (verse 2). The Rock of Ages does not age. He was God before time, he is God who enters time, and he will be God when all our clocks and calendars, histories and monuments are no more.

But then, in cosmic contrast, there is another kind of breathtaking awe over just how brief our time is. Moses says our lives are “like grass” (verse 5) — here today and gone tomorrow. Even if we are granted a full life with enough birthday candles to set off the smoke alarm, yet the fire is extinguished with a breath, and we soon “fly away” (verse 10). So caught between brevity and eternity, we ask God to “teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom” (verse 12). Of course, none of us can add up in advance the number of days we will be given. But what we are to remember is that there is a number, and we can’t add a single hour to it (Luke 12:25).

We may imagine finishing well to look like a life full of years, perhaps like Jacob’s. “When Jacob finished commanding his sons, he drew up his feet into the bed and breathed his last and was gathered to his people” (Genesis 49:33). That’s a nice hope but an unlikely scenario, since death rarely operates on our timetable, and we don’t know whether we will be given ninety years or nineteen. Our finish lines often come suddenly, with little or no warning. There may be no home stretch — only Home, as quick as a wink. And so, given the here-today-gone-tomorrow reality of our vapor-like lives, the best way to finish life well is to finish each day well. We need to run with the heart and pace of a marathoner and with a sprinter’s eye for the swift finish.

2. Follow Closely

If life is brief — sometimes shockingly so — then wouldn’t it make sense to be careful and protect it? Certainly you should exercise, eat healthy, and look both ways before crossing the street, but the fact is that you cannot save your life. You can’t keep it. You can only spend it. So, spend it well.

Jesus told us how. “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 16:24–25). So, we must fully embrace, fully identify with, fully follow our Cross-bearer — whatever it will cost us and wherever it will take us. And clearly the path to fully following Christ is not found in a fear-driven, risk-averse, comfort-zone life. Risk will always be a basic and costly requirement of following and finishing well.

“The best way to finish life well is to finish each day well.”

This kind of risk isn’t just for missionaries who pursue Christ’s calling to the other side of the world. It’s also for speaking the gospel — with all its damning bad news and saving good news — personally, face to face with a coworker or neighbor in a society where “truth is looking stranger than the lies,” as Josh Garrels puts it in his song “Watchman.” In fact, being risk-averse is the opposite of cross-bearing. The One who carried the cross, died, and rose again says the way to life is to follow him in the fellowship of his sufferings and the power of his rising (Philippians 3:10) — and the fellowship of his sufferings necessarily involves suffering. Or as Elisabeth Elliot puts it,

To be a follower of the Crucified means, sooner or later, a personal encounter with the cross. And the cross always entails loss. The great symbol of Christianity means sacrifice and no one who calls himself a Christian can evade this stark fact. (These Strange Ashes, 145)

We want to make sense of suffering, but it rarely makes sense. We want the puzzle to come together and look like something meaningful, but too often there are missing pieces. Our dreams and plans never include chemo or car wrecks or the confusion that comes from deep disappointments and unexpected detours. My pastor often says, “God is calling us to follow him, and he rarely uses his turn signals.” So, we must follow closely and trust the lead and the love of the Shepherd with scars on his hands, who has already gone ahead of us into the darkness to crush Death to death.

3. Remember We Have a Great Savior

Our ultimate and only hope is in our great Savior. Finishing our days well — and our lives — is not about our grit or goodness, the length of our résumé, or the strength of our bodies and abilities. Paul’s letter to the Philippians was written from prison in Rome, and perhaps as his beloved Philippians read the letter, they remembered when Paul first came to their city and his preaching landed him in jail there. What happened in that Philippian cell was one of the most dramatic scenes in all of Paul’s missionary journeys:

About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them, and suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken. And immediately all the doors were opened, and everyone’s bonds were unfastened. (Acts 16:25–26)

But as Paul writes this letter, months — perhaps years — have passed behind bars. There are no dramatic conversions, no midnight hymn sings, no earth-shaking, shackle-breaking deliverances. Far from his usual life in motion, Paul is chained and cannot walk out of his door. When darkness fell over that prison cell night after night, what hope could he possibly have that his life still made a difference? Paul tells us he labored on in hope “because Christ Jesus has made me his own.” So, from his four walls, he was still running hard toward Christ — straining, reaching, wanting to know him and make him known more and more, pressing “toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:12, 14).

John Newton understood this, imprisoned behind his own bars of failing health. Though he had preached thousands of sermons and wrote hundreds of hymns, as his sight, hearing, and strength were fading, he summed up his situation in a sentence:

My memory is nearly gone; but I remember two things: that I am a great sinner, and that Christ is a great Saviour. (Wise Counsel, 401)

Newton’s body was failing, but his hope wasn’t. It was still as strong as when he penned this hymn in the early years of his ministry.

Rejoice, believer, in the Lord,Who makes your cause His own;The hope that’s built upon His WordCan ne’er be overthrown.

Though many foes beset your road,And feeble is your arm,Your life is hid with Christ in God,Beyond the reach of harm.

Weak as you are, you shall not faint,Or fainting, shall not die;Jesus, the strength of every saint,Will aid you from on high.

Christ is the one through whom and for whom we finish well. He is the one who gives the endurance we need, the joy we have, the cross we bear, and the hope we embrace until faith becomes sight.

We know marriage is hard. We all learn that by the second week. But there are different kinds of hard. There is hard and hopeful, and there is hard and hopeless. The most difficult marriage, of course, is the one that is hard, distant, and with little reason to think it will change. In some of those cases, there might not be overt betrayal or cruel behavior or blatant sins that children would see. Instead, the marriage is . . . disappointing, lifeless, lonely.

To make it more difficult, you witness marriages that seem happy, or at least better than your own. You see spouses who enjoy each other. At those times, jealousy might sneak in for a moment, but you rarely land on coveting. Instead, the reminders just leave you a bit more disconnected from other people.

And to make it more difficult still, your marriage doesn’t receive much attention. Broken ones do. Struggling but growing ones do. But disappointing ones don’t. Consider this as a reminder that you are remembered in some small way.

What Can I Do?

You might feel as though you have tried everything and nothing helps. Yet this remains true: one person can make a difference in a relationship.

Jesus says, “Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water’” (John 7:38). In other words, you are a walking tabernacle, and the Spirit who lives within you will be living water in a desolate place. Very influential indeed. The apostle Paul wrote about wives of unbelievers who were willing to live with them. He said that the wives were holy, and that holiness spreads (1 Corinthians 7:14). God can use your holiness in Christ to promote the work of Christ in others.

“When we have confidence that the Spirit will use us, we become more resilient, creative, and engaged.”

Notice how this resists a drift toward hopelessness. One reason we are hopeless in marriage is because there is nothing else we can do, so we resign ourselves and try to build a more independent life. But when we have confidence that the Spirit will use us, we become more resilient, creative, and engaged.

Avoiding Silence and Frustration

Now reflect on the tendencies that have emerged within you. Do you lean toward silence, words spoken in frustration, or both? Silence is not a biblical strategy. Though there are certainly times when we decide not to speak, that is not a long-term solution in any relationship. Life with God is filled with words, and we imitate God’s ways in our everyday relationships.

Words spoken in frustration are also guaranteed to fail. They are natural but are rarely spiritual or helpful. They separate rather than invite. They look down upon rather than come alongside.

The goal, of course, is wise words, which will make you a learner for life. We never quite arrive at the place where we have finally mastered how to speak them. Instead, wisdom is a search for a treasure that always contains more. The more we search, the more we discover.

Wisdom is founded on the fear of the Lord (Proverbs 9:10), which means that we are astounded by his love for us and we mature to be humble listeners before him (for example, Psalm 5:7). As we listen, we notice his characteristic style with us. He is gentle, patient, and careful in his words. When we read through the book of Proverbs, we also notice that his words are typically adorned as a way to make them meaningful and attractive. His words, in short, are good.

Even his rebukes are good. All his words invite us to come closer as he comes closer to us, and he anticipates our response. He speaks to us, and he wants us to speak to him. The way of wisdom is to enjoy his words to you and delight in listening to him. Then you bring that culture to your relationships. We treat others as we have been treated.

Seeking Wisdom and Creativity

This mission of speaking wise words is decidedly spiritual. You may have many natural abilities that you bring to your relationships, but wisdom is something different. It is a gift of the Spirit. So the work in front of you has two parts. First, you want to hear God’s wise, good, loving words to you and enjoy them. Then you ask him for something you desperately need and only he can give. You ask for skillful, beautified words — “apples of gold in a setting of silver” (Proverbs 25:11).

Then you get creative.

“I have recently been struck by the goodness of God’s words to us and have been praying that I would grow in the way I speak to others . . .”

[Your spouse wants to talk about something “later.”] “Yes, I find these things hard to talk about too. But they seem important. Could we set aside some time on Saturday morning?”

“Both of us probably bring a lot of our parents into our conversations. How have you seen me do that?”

“Today I really struggled with [the kids, complaining, my health . . .]. Could you pray over me?”

“I was thinking about things I would like to know about you. I would love to know one thing that you enjoyed about your day, and one thing that was hard. Could we trade stories on our day?”

When you live in a disappointing relationship, you are not always sure how to talk about it to friends or ask for prayer. Here is a way to ask for prayer: you can ask others to pray that you would be skilled at hearing God’s good words to you so you can pass them on to others.

Learn from Your Differences

Disappointments tend to arise out of differences between you and your spouse. Perhaps you once saw your similarities — or how your differences were complementary. Now you just see differences. For example, you want to talk; he wants to avoid conflict. You want to partner in an activity; he prefers solitary tasks and interests. You hope to know and be known; he seems uninterested in either knowing you or being known by you. As a general rule, differences lead to frustration unless you understand those differences. The more you understand your husband, the more patient you will be.

A discussion about the kind of culture we experience in our early years at home is always a worthwhile way to understand differences. It might be easier than talking about the marital relationship. The primary risk is when we critique the other person’s family.

“Chronic disappointment has a hard time seeing small steps in the right direction.”

A second category to understand would be the ways your two minds are uniquely structured. The purpose here is not to talk about sins but personality styles or mental abilities. You probably already have a preliminary sketch you could offer him. For example, “I have been thinking about us and how, like any couple, we think in our own unique ways. You seem to think like a builder or engineer, who sees a problem and then figures out a way to solve it. That makes me imagine that, when I want to talk, you could easily think that it is always about a problem, and a problem with no apparent solution. Does that seem possible?” The basic idea of this approach is that your spouse has his reasons for his responses that are more than him simply being sinful.

Small Steps

Chronic disappointment has a hard time seeing small steps in the right direction. If those steps ever existed, you quickly backtracked, so you have stopped looking for them. But remember that Christ is at work in you, and his work will affect those around you. Remember, too, that the Spirit’s work is powerful yet oftentimes subtle. We will miss his work when we are not looking for it. With this in mind, keep your eyes open. Look for one way the Spirit is working in you and one way the Spirit is working in your relationship. When you see something, it is worth mentioning.

These thoughts are not new. But they might put a light on truths you know but have faded. In that sense, they are part of that small step of seeing the Spirit at work in the way he gently reminds us of things that are true and good.

Audio Transcript

Welcome back to the podcast. On Monday we looked at what distinguishes our lives from the lives of non-Christians around us. There, in APJ 1858, we touched on spiritual gifts. And then in the episode before that, we asked, “What are my skills worth?” That was APJ 1857, and it was a fascinating discussion because in many churches you have a doctor, a lawyer, a plumber, a carpenter, an auto mechanic — someone who makes money from their skills. And sometimes those skills can be exploited by people in the local church for free. Maybe you have experienced that very thing yourself. Piper’s conclusion in that episode was, “Be willing to pay for the service. If the skilled person wants to make a special gift to you, that’s his or hers to decide, not yours to expect.”

So if skilled Christians in the church share the same skills you will find among non-Christians outside the church, what makes a spiritual gift spiritual? As we will hear today, “many unbelievers have great abilities” — abilities to lead and administrate and teach — but those gifts are not automatically spiritual gifts. What makes a spiritual gift spiritual?

In a sermon, Pastor John turned to Paul’s testimony in Romans 1 for the answer. There Paul writes, “I long to see you [the church in Rome], that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you — that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine” (Romans 1:11–12). Here’s Pastor John to unpack and apply it.

The basic problem is becoming the kind of person who wakes up in the morning and thanks God for life and for salvation and then says, “Lord, oh how I want to strengthen people’s faith today at work. Lord, let me come to the end of this day and be able to look back and say, ‘Somebody has more confidence in your promises today because I crossed their path. Somebody is more happy in your grace because I crossed their path.’” That’s the main problem, waking up and being that kind of person.

“Let’s apply ourselves to becoming the kind of people who more and more long to build up each other’s faith.”

The reason I say that’s the basic problem and not the discovery of spiritual gifts is because, if there were 550 people in this church waking up and saying that and praying that and meaning that, the Holy Spirit would not leave you frustrated in finding ways to do that. He will not let a person whose heart is earnestly desirous of building other people up go without building them up. He will help you find those ways, and the finding of those ways will be the discovering of your gifts. It doesn’t matter whether you can find a name for it or not. Let’s apply ourselves to becoming the kind of people who more and more long to build up each other’s faith, to make each other happier in the Lord, and to make each other more confident in his promises.

Mutual Strengthening

Now there are really interesting insights that come from comparing Romans 1:11 with 1:12. Paul restates Romans 1:11 in different words; that’s what you do when you start a sentence with “That is.” You’re restating what you just said. “I [want to] impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you — that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine” (Romans 1:11–12).

Now, Paul does two things here. The first thing he does is the old “it’s my pleasure” tactic. You remember that sermon back in the fall that I preached called “It’s My Pleasure: Christian Hedonism and Humility”? Paul is doing that right here. Notice that when we say, “Oh, it’s my pleasure” after we do a benefit for somebody, a favor, what we’re doing is trying to be humble. We’re saying, “Well, don’t get too worked up about my self-sacrifice because I just did what I wanted to do.” You cut off too much praise. You try to humble yourself after having done a good deed.

Now that’s what Paul is doing here, I think. Paul rereads verse 11, and he says, “Hmm, I sure don’t want to give the impression that I’m coming on strong there as the great benefactor who’s going to do them all this good and get no benefit.” See? So he backs off and he restates his goal to say, “It’s going to be a two-way street in Rome. I am going to get encouraged, and you’re going to get encouraged. It’s my pleasure. Don’t give me too much praise. I’m just doing what I like to do when I go around preaching and getting encouraged by other people’s faith, as well as encouraging them.” That’s the first thing he does in this text.

Now the second thing he does is to show that the way he’s going to strengthen their faith by using his spiritual gift is by encouraging them with his faith. Now notice the parallel between the two verses. In verse 11, he aims to strengthen them. In verse 12, he aims to encourage them. So those two words are parallel. In verse 11, he aims to strengthen them by his spiritual gift. In verse 12, he aims to encourage them by his faith.

Of Faith, for Faith

Now I think you can draw as the conclusion, therefore, this definition of spiritual gifts: a spiritual gift is an expression of faith that aims to strengthen faith. Wouldn’t that be a fair definition, having put those two verses together and seeing that verse 12 is an explanation of verse 11? A spiritual gift is activated by faith and aims to produce more faith in another person. Or another way to put it would be this: a spiritual gift is an ability given by the Holy Spirit to express our faith effectively for the upbuilding of another’s faith. That’s what a spiritual gift is, I think, from these two verses.

“A spiritual gift is an expression of faith that aims to strengthen faith.”

Now that to me is very helpful because it helps me distinguish and keep separate natural abilities and spiritual gifts. They aren’t the same. Many, many unbelievers have great abilities — administration and teaching, for example — and these are given by God. Everybody has what he has from God, whether they acknowledge it or not, but they’re not spiritual gifts in the New Testament sense, are they? Why? Because they do not come from faith, they’re not expressions of faith, and they’re not aiming to strengthen faith.

Our faith is the channel through which the Holy Spirit flows on his way to building up another person’s faith. Therefore, for any ability that we have to be a channel for the Spirit and therefore spiritual, it has to flow from faith in him and aim toward faith in another person. No matter what abilities we have, if we’re not relying on God (having faith) and we’re not aiming to help others rely on God (produce faith), our ability is not spiritual. It’s not a spiritual gift because the Holy Spirit is not flowing through it from faith to faith.

Now that has tremendous implications for a church in the selection of its staff, the choice of its officers, and its board members. The implication is this: It means that we will never simply say, “Who has the ability to efficiently do this job?” Never. That’s a wholly inadequate criterion for determining a person’s suitability for staff or for office in the church. We will go on and ask, “Does this person use his skill or her ability to express their lively and hearty dependence on the Lord?” And we will ask, “Does the exercise of that skill aim always to be helping other people believe more, or does the way they go about doing their work always manage to put people down or make people feel unbelieving rather than believing?”

A church where the Holy Spirit is alive and powerful will always be sensitive to the difference between natural abilities and spiritual gifts.