Share your pain with someone and ask for prayers. God has saved us to be a part of a family in Christ, and this community context is vital for our spiritual growth, especially when we face trials. Some parents tend to keep their sufferings and problems to themselves, either to avoid exposing their children or for they do not want to be judged as a failure. However, the Christian is not called to live a lonely life. It is always possible to seek aid in the body of Christ.

In the Christian life no experience seems to be more harrowing than seeing someone we love turning away from the Lord. If this person is a son or daughter, the pain is even greater. Christian parents never raise their children to be lost because they know what the Bible teaches about the destiny of those who go astray from God’s ways. Therefore, the rebellion of the children is almost unbearable.
The suffering caused by the deviation of the loved one is aggravated by the frustration of noticing that all the appeals for repentance do not produce any effect. Having a conversation becomes challenging because the interests have become different; the core values and patterns of behavior are not the same. There is also a constant feeling of impotence since the parents cannot change their children’s minds and hearts.
Many times, these parents experience existential crisis outbreaks, being filled with despair. Thus, in these cases, a friendly comforting, a shoulder to cry on, and an open ear are always welcome. I would like to share some practical principles and actions to reflect on:

Rejoice in the Lord always. The Bible teaches us that the joy of the Lord is our strength (Nehemiah 8:10). Also, rejoicing in who God is and in what He has done for us in Christ Jesus is a living testimony to the rebellious children as well. If the children see their parents always sad, depressed, and in despair because of their wrong choices, they might question the solidity of their parents’ faith. Satan is crafty enough to lead them into thinking that their parents love them more than they love God. Was not this Satan’s accusation about Job when he suggested that he loved God only because of his possessions and family stability (Job 1)? Therefore, exercise your joy in the Lord in various ways, proclaiming the Gospel’s wonderful truths to yourself, listening or singing hymns and songs that speak of the Lord’s kindness unto you. Furthermore, remember that rejoicing in Jesus Christ is a wonderful commandment to all Christians (Philippians 4:4).
Share your pain with someone and ask for prayers. God has saved us to be a part of a family in Christ, and this community context is vital for our spiritual growth, especially when we face trials. Some parents tend to keep their sufferings and problems to themselves, either to avoid exposing their children or for they do not want to be judged as a failure. However, the Christian is not called to live a lonely life. It is always possible to seek aid in the body of Christ. A good biblical example in this venue is the story of Daniel (Daniel 1). Apparently, Daniel decided by himself to resist Nebuchadnezzar’s offers (v.8). Although, later, the reader can see that he had the support, help, and prayers of his three friends, and it was crucial for his success. Therefore, do not face this problem alone.
Pray without ceasing for the salvation of your children. We know that the only person that can change hearts is the Holy Spirit. Our argumentations, love gestures, rebukes, and exhortation are ineffective to save them from their sins. Some parents try to manipulate their rebel children by appealing to their feelings and emotions, good sense, and logic. However, they forget that the children are far from the Lord, in a relationship with the world, and their affections, values, and logic are not the same as their parents’. The parents ought to intercede for them before the Lord, who has the power to convince them of sin, justice, and judgment. Pray with your children for them, as well.
Strengthen your marriage. Few parents notice how much the rebellion of their children affects their conjugal relationship. Sometimes, the parents end up investing more energy and time on their children’s problems than in their marital relationship. The relationship might become burdened by arguments and fights concerning the rebellious child. In this case, the parents suffer not only from the distancing of their children but also they begin to live a cold and weak marriage. Therefore, the husband and the wife should make provisions to be united at this time, pray together, cry together, and strengthen one another.
Pray that God may reveal to your children the ugliness of the world. The Bible teaches that the world lies in the power of the evil one (1 John 5:19), and only God can reveal the darkness and ugliness of this world. Thus, the content of the prayer of these parents should encompass that the Lord opens their eyes to see the evilness of this world and the despair of a godless life. The prayer of supplication that God may open the eyes of the rebellious child is indispensable.
Ask forgiveness for the mistakes you have committed in your parenting. Often times, to affirm their new lifestyle, a child that has gone astray will point to your parenting errors. It might be hard to agree with a rebellious child, but we are called to apologize for our mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes in parenting, and even though these mistakes do not justify the rebellion of the children, apologizing for them sets an example of Christian humility.
Be gracious to them as God is gracious to you. It is crucial that parents of rebellious children remember that once they also rebelled against God, and that God graciously saved and redeemed them, bringing them to a new life in Christ Jesus. In His works of salvation, God uses both the severity of the law and the love and mercy of His grace. The problem is that often the parents of rebellious children solely remember to talk to them about the severity of God’s law, and they forget to tell them about the riches of God’s grace that is found in Jesus. It is necessary to find a balance in how we present the law and grace of God. In this case, we should learn directly from God, as He shows us in the Bible how He has dealt with us.
Spend time with your child. Try to spend some quality time with your child. You should enjoy your children’s company, and your children should enjoy spending some time with you. It is not appropriate to talk about how terrible your child’s sin is during this time but cultivate a friendship with your child. It does not mean to approve blindly his/her actions. Rebuke and exhortation are fundamental, but it does not need to be the exclusive topic of conversation in your family. Pray for wisdom so that you can enjoy your child as much as possible, and never forget that there is an appointed time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
Be careful not to indulge them. On the parable of the prodigal son, the rebellious child needed to reach rock bottom first. The Father never ceased to wait for his son’s return. But he did not send his son money or letters of encouragement (Luke 15:11-32). This is not easy; there is a thin line between abandoning (causing real damage by not helping) and indulging (causing more damage by helping). Ask for the Lord to give you strength and discernment concerning this. Pray specifically for wisdom to know when and how to help or not help.
Be confident in God’s promises. If your child is an elect of God, God will preserve your child till the end; he/she can neither totally nor finally fall away from the state of grace (Philippians 1:6, John 10:28,39, Romans 8:28-30). Your child may, through the temptations of Satan and of the world fall into grievous sins; and, for a time, continue in them (2 Samuel 12:9, 13, Galatians 2:11-14). He/she can incur in God’s displeasure (2 Samuel 11:27), and grief the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 4:30), have his/her heart hardened (Isaiah 63:17), and his/her conscience wounded, hurt and scandalize others, and bring temporal judgments from God upon himself. However, God will bring his elect back, and they will persevere till the end.
Be assured that God will be glorified. God’s own glory is something really important for Himself, therefore be assured that He will be glorified through the life of your children. It is a reason to encourage you to trust in the Lord and to praise Him throughout your life. The Bible tells that God predestined some for salvation (election) and some for damnation (reprobation), but He is glorified in the lives of all men – whether he is one of the elect or not (Romans 9:10- 23). God’s glory is the chief end of the life of a Christian and should be a motive of contentment, encouragement, assurance, and peace.

Following these tips will not guarantee your children’s coming back, but it will help you to glorify the Lord even amidst this challenging time of your life. My prayer is that God gives grace, peace, and strength to the parents that are facing a situation like this and are reading this text.
Filipe Fernandes Cortial is student at Greenville Presbyterian Theological Seminary, a member of Grace Orthodox Presbyterian Church in Fair Lawn, NJ, and currently under care of the Presbytery of New Jersey (OPC).
 

Biblical servitude seeks what’s best for the other person over what the other person wants in the moment. To do this effectively, you need to be confident in your knowledge of God’s Word. You need to be seeking to daily grow in wisdom. It doesn’t need to be a “my will versus your will” situation. You can serve others well to the degree that you are personally submissive to God.

“How do you serve without becoming a doormat?” This question, posed to me during a marriage counseling session, gets to the heart of a common misunderstanding of the biblical call to serve others. The short answer is that Jesus’s call never entails allowing another person to assert their will over you as you passively obey. However, we often struggle to understand key distinctions due to our failure to properly define our words.
Part of the problem is that many of us have never seen biblical servitude modeled faithfully. We hear “serve others” and imagine “be a slave to others.” That misunderstanding is how we end up with Christian parents organizing their lives in obedience to the fickle will of their toddler. We’ve all witnessed the flustered mom desperately trying to placate the selfish desires of her ungrateful teenager as veteran parents from a previous generation look on shaking their heads.
To add to the confusion, trendy parenting philosophies like Gentle Parenting encourage parents to cater their nurturing style to the emotional lives of their children. The experts tell us to stop correcting bad behavior and instead to listen for clues indicating what’s going on in their inner lives. Christians hear “gentle” and immediately think of our gentle and lowly Savior. We fail to recognize that Gentle Parenting and Christianity may be operating under two different definitions of the word. Our Savior was gentle, but he also knew when to be confrontational. Clearly, it’s possible to be both.
Jesus is always the model.
In his excellent book, Authority: How Godly Rule Protects the Vulnerable, Strengthens Communities, and Promotes Human Flourishing, Jonathan Leeman writes, “Never does [Jesus] take orders, as would an actual servant—not even from his mother. Instead, he defied both the religious and civil authorities. He demonstrated authority over people, demons, sickness, the elements, and death.
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Substitute LGBTQ+ with the words “white supremacy” or “pedophilia.” Does it still work?  Of course not! To attempt to be a part of a culture or community that is directly opposed to nature and has at its root a fundamental misunderstanding of the work of the Holy Spirit is dangerous. At that point you are not merely a part of some kind of subculture, but diving deeper into the quicksand of heinous sin. As Thomas Watson so aptly quipped, “We pray, ‘Lead us not into temptation,’ but do we lead ourselves into temptation?

At the 2002 General Assembly, the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA) adopted what is deemed as “good faith subscription.” This gives each presbytery the right to determine whether a candidate for gospel ministry has stated differences with the doctrinal standards of the PCA that are acceptable or not, so long as the differences do not “strike at the vitals” (BCO 21.4). As a result, it has become common practice for candidates to take two exceptions to the Westminster Standards: (1) recreation on the Lord’s Day and (2) what constitutes a violation of the Second Commandment. These are so common that it’s rare in many cases to see any pushback from the presbytery floor during an examination on these exceptions. Whether or not adopting this practice was the right decision by the Assembly is beyond the purpose or scope of this article. Like it or not, that ship has sailed.
However, with the advent of Revoice and Side B Christianity, it seems a new exception has come to our presbyteries, at least in practice—an exception to the teaching that some sins are more heinous than others. Westminster Shorter Catechism Q. 83 asks, “Are all transgressions of the law equally heinous?” I would venture to say that many evangelicals—and dare I say many Presbyterians—would answer with something like, “Yes! All sins are equal in the sight of God. We all need grace.” Obviously, we all need the grace of God. We are all justly deserving of damnation, even for the smallest of sins. But that’s not the answer to the question. Divines give the following answer: “Some sins, in themselves, and by reason of several aggravations, are more heinous in the sight of God than others.”
Expanding on this teaching, the Westminster Larger Catechism, Q. 151, gives numerous aggravations that make a sin more heinous. The list is extensive and includes many things worthy of note (e.g., sins on the Lord’s Day). Among those aggravations listed that make some sins more heinous are those against the Holy Spirit (including His witness and workings), those that harm the weaker brother, those that are of continuance, and those that are against the light of nature.
As the PCA affirms, homosexuality is condemned as a sin against nature in Romans 1. However, Side B theology states (at least in a loud majority) that sexuality is not something you choose but part of your overall personhood, or said another way, sexuality along with gender, nationality and ethnicity are all features that make up ones composite identity.[1] This was the main point of contention at the 2019 PCA General Assembly as Greg Johnson took issue with Article 7 of the Nashville Statement, which denies that “adopting a homosexual or transgender self-conception is consistent with God’s holy purposes in creation.”[2] Not only that, but according to some proponents of Side B theology, orientation and desires don’t (normally) change.[3] Even if we were to grant this as the case, a proper Reformed understanding of concupiscence would lead us to see that this is a sin of constancy that denies the work of the Holy Spirit in sanctification, as we are essentially being told that sexuality is something that the Holy Spirit either can’t or won’t change.
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[1] https://revoice.us/about/our-beliefs/statements-of-conviction/statement-on-sexual-ethics-and-christian-obedience/. See also Rosaria Butterfield’s quick and helpful definitions of both Side A and Side B:
https://rosariabutterfield.com/new-blog/2018/2/14/what-is-wrong-with-gay-christianity-what-is-side-a-and-side-b-anyway
[2] https://cbmw.org/nashville-statement/
[3] Note Greg Johnson’s speech on the floor of the 48th General Assembly: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkWdMBQyVkc