Why Modern Dating Is So Difficult
One matter that constantly perplexes me is just how difficult it is for young Christians today to figure out dating and romantic relationships. What was quite straightforward in my day seems to have become much more complicated in these days. But as I study the cultural ethos, it begins to make sense, for in my day the cultural assumptions and the Christian assumptions were quite similar. Today, though, they are worlds apart. Paul Grimmond expresses this helpfully in his book Water for My Camels. He lays out seven features of our modern Western context that impact dating in profound ways.
Marriage is simply a social construct. In the past few decades there has been a seismic shift in society’s understanding of marriage. Once understood to have originated in the mind of God as a component of his design for humanity, marriage is now believed to be a human-created social construct (and, in many minds, one designed as a tool of oppression). “Modern Western societies have essentially rejected the idea that God created and designed marriage, and that he therefore defines what it is and what it’s for. Instead, we now take the view that marriage is a social construct. That is, it’s seen as a human institution: we invented it, and we can therefore change it to be whatever we say it is.”
Sex is just an appetite. Where sex was formerly understood to belong within the institution of marriage and to be bound inexorably to procreation and marriage’s unique relational intimacy, today it is commonly regarded as merely a biological appetite. “If you’re hungry, find something to eat. If you’re thirsty, find something to drink. If you feel sexual drive, go and do something about it. And if sex is defined as an appetite, it’s only a short step further to say that sex is virtually morally irrelevant. We feel no shame or guilt for eating when we’re hungry or drinking when we’re thirsty, so why attach any morality to any sexual practices that flow from our sexual appetites?” Sex has been downgraded from something that is exceedingly precious to something that is just a meaningless bodily function.
Sex and dating are synonymous. The assumption today is that couples who date are having sex with one another. Hence where dating was once a means to an end—marriage and the sexual relationship within it—, today it is an end in and of itself. “This fusion of sex and dating is the cultural air that we breathe. But it’s a new innovation. This is the first time in human history that a society has joined these two things together. Sure, it may have happened on a private, individual level, but it was not the cultural expectation. Today, dating but not having sex is decidedly weird.”
Smartphones are great for relationships. “It’s hard to overstate the way smartphones have changed our lives—especially the lives of teenagers and some young adults who have never known a world without them. Among all the changes that these devices have brought, the smartphone has radically changed the dating experience in ways that you cannot comprehend if you’re under the age of 25.” Couples are no longer ever separate from one another, but always bound together by their devices. This means a dating relationship is constant and follows them everywhere. Not only that, but it often takes place through a private medium and in private or intimate spaces (e.g. late at night in bedrooms). It is hard to believe that this is always, or even often, a healthy dynamic.
Pornography is just harmless fun. While pornography has always existed in one form or another, it has certainly never been as prevalent and as accepted as it is today. It would be rare today to encounter a couple for whom it has not been a significant part of at least one of their lives. This is nearly as true for Christians as for unbelievers. “This is the only world that today’s teenagers know. The vast majority of teenagers and young adults have some kind of experience with pornography. Even if, by the grace of God, you’ve avoided any form of pornography, you’ve still grown up in a world that thinks of pornography as normal, a bit of ‘harmless fun’, when it is anything but normal, harmless or fun.”
Choice is king. While Western culture is rampantly individualistic, we are unlikely to see or understand how unusual this is. Everything in our lives is a matter of choice and choice is the way in which we express our individuality. This impacts dating in a key way: “We have reached a point in history where, for most people, dating is a choice to be made independently of your social sphere; independently of your parents and your wider family.” Not only that, but our culture of individualism convinces us that we should evaluate relationships primarily through the lens of what that relationship does for me and how it makes me feel. This, of course, contrasts the biblical emphasis on looking outward to love and serve others.
If marriage doesn’t work, just end it. The era of no-fault divorce has made marriage function as a relationship of convenience that can be easily terminated when it is no longer enjoyable, no longer fulfilling, or just plain difficult. “No-fault divorce was part and parcel of a worldview that saw marriage as a human institution that the state was free to redefine. At that level, no-fault divorce represents a belief that marriage is not permanent. For most people living in the world around us, marriage is seen as something that creates stability (which is why so many couples still get married when they have children) and offers a powerful declaration of two people’s love for each other at that moment. But fundamentally, we live in a world where divorce is the solution for marriages that don’t work. Put bluntly, marriage is temporary for anyone who wants it to be temporary.”
Though these are secular ways of thinking about dating, marriage, sex, and relationships, they are so deeply ingrained in the culture that even Christians are impacted by them. They are such a part of the culture around us (and, sadly, within us) that it takes time, thought, and effort to identify and counter them—a key task for Christian leaders in the days to come.
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A La Carte (April 27)
Good morning from Fort Worth where the Called to Counsel conference will begin a bit later in the day. I’m pleased to be able to lead a new track on the subject of grief.
(Yesterday on the blog: All, Every, and Not One)
Pornography Poisons Everything
Phil Cotnoir has an insightful article about “how pornography poisons everything it touches, individually and corporately, inside the church and out.”
Autism In The Church – A Parent’s Perspective
There are some good pointers here for churches that want to help those with autism be part of the church (and to help their families).
How can we persuade someone that church membership is important? (Video)
Sinclair Ferguson considers what the Bible says about belonging to the church—and why it knows nothing of those who won’t belong to a church.
Think Little
Though we are usually encouraged to think big, there is a lot of value in thinking little. “The problem isn’t our desire to do something great with our lives. The problem is with our definition of greatness.”
It Never Gets Old
“My conversion was a simple one, perched on a log there by Strawberry Creek. The transformation, not so much. The steps leading from there to here as convoluted as any, I suppose. And yet here I am, five decades later, still in awe of it all. In awe of Him—the One who saw me. Who loved me. Who loves me still.”
Ethical challenges posed by biological neuronal networks
With every new technology comes new ethical challenges…
Flashback: One Way To Know You’re Being Persecuted
If we experience hardship at the hands of men—suffering, trials, injustices—and find our hearts rejoicing rather than embittered, thankful rather than spiteful, satisfied rather than grumbly, we may well take this as evidence that we are suffering persecution and being filled with God’s Spirit to endure it well, to endure it for his glory.If, by faith, we consecrate our work to God and aim to love both our coworkers and our customers, we serve the Lord and he remembers it. —Daniel Doriani
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A La Carte (January 11)
May the God of love and peace be with you today.
(Yesterday on the blog: All Will Be Well)
Discipled by Algorithms
I think it’s increasingly important that we acknowledge the centrality of algorithms in modern life. “We live in a personally curated and expertly crafted world of information, driven by algorithms that often wield significant influence over our lives and our outlook on the social and ethical issues of our day. The world you see online is often very different than what I might see, which in turn makes it difficult to address many of the root problems of our day.”
Four Ways the Church Can Welcome Kids with Special Needs
This article offers four simple ways a church can welcome kids with special needs (and make their families feel comfortable being there).
The Forgotten Gift of Evening Worship
There are lots of good reasons to consider evening worship services, with the strongest reason probably being their long history in the Protestant tradition. “In this season of fresh starts and resolutions, here are some biblical, historical, and practical reasons you should cherish the gift of evening worship.”
Sovereign
Susan Lafferty: “In the weight of urgent prayer, a passage of Scripture whispers in my thoughts. Rising gently. Firmly. Pressing through the questions and concerns. A hymn of praise. Penned by Paul. About the Sovereign One.”
For Those Disheartened in Serving
Amber Thiessen has an article for those who may be growing disheartened in their serving.
If You Want to Be Content, Stop Looking Back
Lydia Brownback: “‘Why? Why? Why?’ The seemingly endless questions of a three-year-old test our patience at times. But even in those moments we rejoice because those whys reveal a budding interest in how the world works. And asking why about the world isn’t just for kids—it’s for all people at every age, because curiosity about creation points to the Creator.”
Flashback: Would It Be Okay For Me To Be Angry With God?
It felt like a test—a test of my faith, a test of my convictions, a test of my love for God. Soon, very soon, after I learned that my son had died, I received a message from an old acquaintance.When we have sorrow or suffering, our question should not be, “What have I done that God is punishing me for?” but, “What is the mission of this messenger of God to me?” —J.R. Miller
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Moments With My Father (and My Son)
I have many fond memories of my father—memories accumulated over the 43 years we shared this earth. I have fond memories based on my first twenty-one years when I lived in his home and saw him nearly every day. I remember him taking me to old Exhibition Stadium to watch the Blue Jays play. I remember going on a road trip together—just the two of us traveling across Georgian Bay and onto Manitoulin Island. I remember getting up early in the morning and finding that he was already awake, already reading his Bible, already spending time with the Lord. I remember this and so much else.
Then I have fond memories based on the next 23 years of life after I had gotten married and moved out, and after he and the family had left Canada to settle in the American South. Our visits became less frequent then, but no less significant. I remember his joy on those rare occasions when the whole family could be together, the entire collection of kids and grandkids under a single roof. I remember looking out from many church pulpits and conference podiums and seeing his face in the crowd. I remember notes and letters he would send at important moments or following significant events.
But my favorite memory of all is my final memory of all. In June of 2019 dad turned 70 and the family threw him a surprise party to mark the occasion. I made the long journey from Toronto to my sister’s home in Georgia to be part of the fun. It was a wonderful afternoon spent with friends and family, all of whom had gathered to honor dad as he reached a significant milestone. Though I talked to him on the phone after that day, I never actually saw him again and formed no other lasting memories. Just a few months later he collapsed and died at a time that was unexpected but in a way that was exactly as he wanted—with dirt on his hands.
Just months after my father went to heaven, my son followed. It has been more than a year since I last saw Nick, more than a year since I dropped him at Southern Seminary and watched as he walked away, arm-in-arm with the woman who would soon be his fiancée. Though we often spoke on the phone after that time, and though we sometimes connected by video chat, I never actually laid eyes on him again before he, too, collapsed and died at a time that was unexpected and in a way we could never have imagined.
In the aftermath of those two great sorrows, I often find myself thinking back to dad’s final birthday and to my final memory. Though I had decided to make the long journey, the family had determined they would not tell dad that I was coming. Because of flight schedules I was not able to arrive until an hour or two after the festivities had gotten underway. Dad was by the side of the pool when I got there, chatting with a friend. He saw me, he blinked in shock, and his face lit up with joy—the joy of a father who is surprised and delighted to see his son. It was a special moment.
It was a special moment that, in its own way, points me toward another special moment, for on his birthday dad unknowingly foreshadowed the joy I will experience when I finally see my Nick again—the pure and sweet and unadulterated joy of a Father whose heart has longed for the son he loves, the son he misses, the son he so wishes to see, to hug, to hold, to enjoy. The delight that flashed in his eyes, the smile that broke over his face, the tears that glimmered in his eyes, all point me to a time in the future when what is broken will be made whole, when what is sorrowful will be soothed, when what has been torn apart will be stitched back together, a time when son and father and father and son will be reunited, never more to part, never more to grieve.
