Being admitted to the mental hospital didn’t feel like God’s mercy to me. It seemed more like a cruelty. I wanted to be “depression-free.” I thought that was a God-honoring goal to strive toward. With a household to run and a family to care for, there seemed no time to be downcast. I was tired of being sidelined by sadness.

But I was worn by conflicts and child-rearing challenges. Though I had tried so hard for so long to “keep calm and carry on,” the continual striving to be emotionally stable seemed futile. I would feel “fine” only for a time. Then I would crash.

Perhaps the worst sensation of all was the perceived absence of the Lord I loved. I couldn’t reconcile my sorrows with his apparent indifference. It seemed as if he had “forgotten to be gracious” to me — as if “in anger” he had “shut up his compassion” (Psalm 77:9). Surely God saw how hard I’d been trying and knew how long I had been crying. So why let me sit in a darkness that I’d been striving for years to stay out of? I felt so ashamed of my struggles. I felt like a God-forsaken failure.

It wasn’t until I was hospitalized that God let me hear how cruel my self-talk had become. I was so determined to be free from depression that the restless pursuit of that goal became my motive for living. In desperation, my hope shifted off of Christ and onto a change I couldn’t produce on my own. So, whenever hurt and heartbreak left me feeling overwhelmed again — whenever I couldn’t “snap out” of my miserable mood — I felt like an embarrassment of a believer. I despaired of life itself.

Unbeknownst to me — yet fully known to God — desperation had driven me away from his grace (Galatians 3:3; 5:4).

Unexpected Rescue

Understandably, what I wanted most in that season of motherhood was deliverance. But unexpectedly, God rescued me instead from my merciless mindset. He already knew I had no righteousness of my own to boast in; I was the one who had trouble accepting that fact. I couldn’t even leave the locked hall I was on, let alone escape the prison of darkness. I viewed my experience of depression as not only undesirable, but unforgivable.

God saw how I condemned myself. I had been treating my Savior’s blood as an incomplete covering for the dark night of the soul, as if I should have been able to suffer my sorrows without difficulty — suffer them perfectly.

That week in the ward, I came to see God’s compassion toward me more clearly, and not because he ordained a miraculous change in my circumstances. Rather, he showed me it wasn’t his voice that was roaring with condemnation. His words were, “Come to me,” not “Get over it”; “Take my rest,” not “Try harder” (Matthew 11:28). He was inviting me to take up a yoke I could manage in my weary condition — a burden far lighter than I had been forcing myself to carry.

Jesus wasn’t the one insisting that I pull myself out of the pit. He was the one calling me to take refuge in him as he walked me through the dark.

God Not Hurried

As I learned after years of fighting against despondency, what we count as God’s slowness or indifference is actually his patience toward us as he works redemptively in our lives (2 Peter 3:9; 1 Timothy 1:16). Yes, there are times when a fix-it-fast approach is an appropriate response to the problem at hand. But God’s methods for mending the hearts and reviving the spirits of his people are often less hurried. While the Great Physician can be trusted to do this restorative work according to his promise, he does so at a pace that seems good to him and suits his eternal purposes.

Despite our sense of urgency, there are no emergencies to him who holds our times in his hands (Psalm 31:15).

God’s unhurried pace can be a challenging reality for us to grasp, particularly in depression. When God’s help seems unbearably slow, it can appear as though he’s withholding it altogether. And when we fear he has shut up his compassion and forgotten to be gracious toward us, we may think we must climb out of the pit of despair on our own. Hurt by what seems like a lack of sympathy, we may groan to God as Job in his angst: “You have turned cruel to me; with the might of your hand you persecute me” (Job 30:21).

Feeling God-forsaken, we may double down on our efforts to be strong and steady in ourselves. Perhaps we’re even able to feel “fine” or “better” for a period of time. But ultimately, self-reliance proves itself unreliable. We crash and despair of life itself. We need outside help. We need rescue.

We need mercy.

Timely, Tender Mercy

I confess — I felt as if God had turned cruel to me in that sorrowful season of motherhood. But in the hospital, the Spirit helped me to reinterpret God’s dealings with me. Through his word, I was reminded that the Lord is never surprised by his people’s desperation. My Maker knew how helpless I’d feel on dark days before a single one of them came to pass (Psalm 139:16). He foresaw every hardship, conflict, grief, and pain I would endure. He knew every one of the ways I would sin in word, thought, and deed.

He knew I would need help, rescue, mercy.

Then the Spirit testified to God’s nature — that he loves to comfort (not condemn) the downcast (2 Corinthians 7:6). That he has pity on his weak and needy children (Psalm 72:13). That for the sake of his holy name, the Father of mercies sent his Son to suffer my sorrows perfectly. According to his “tender mercy” (Luke 1:78), the Lord stepped into my darkness to do what I could not.

“For the joy that was set before him [he] endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2). At the perfect time, Jesus saved me from experiencing eternal darkness (Romans 5:6). He patiently worked himself to death to deliver me from perpetual sorrow. To see Jesus at the apex of his anguish is to perceive his mercy more clearly in my own.

Better Motive

According to God’s merciful plan, Jesus was raised to life from the deepest darkness of all. That meant underneath my pit of despair were the everlasting arms (Deuteronomy 33:27). And those strong and steady arms held forth the hands that knit me together — hands that were not embarrassed to be engraved with my name (Isaiah 49:16). These palms were pierced for me so I could have hope in my miserable-yet-momentary affliction (2 Corinthians 4:17). What more work was there for me to do but rest myself in them?

I still had the gospel to share and Christ’s love to give. There was no better motive to keep carrying on when the darkness wouldn’t lift.

The week I’d spent in the mental hospital didn’t feel like mercy to me at the time, but the kindness God gave me there led my heart to peace and repentance (Romans 2:4). I didn’t have to be depression-free before I could live for the glory of God; Christ’s sinless life and sacrifice freed me from the unbearable burden to be perfect in myself. Since Jesus obeyed God’s will unto death, I could die to my desire for quick relief and live for walking by faith, one small step at a time.

I couldn’t feel better fast, but I could entrust myself “to a faithful Creator while doing good” (1 Peter 4:19). I could learn to rest in Christ as long as the darkness lasts.

I met my future mother-in-law when I was barely 17 years old. Barb was warm and welcoming, and I instantly liked her. As a brand-new Christian, Barb was a mentor to me and someone I looked up to.

But once I was engaged to her son, tensions emerged. Ben and I had unique offers in different states, with a scholarship that was enticing. Barb suggested we wait another year to make the most of the opportunities. But Ben and I couldn’t fathom being separated for another year and were willing to forgo the financial benefits to be together. It was my first realization that Barb and I might not always see things eye-to-eye.

When she and my father-in-law announced they’d be moving to South Africa just after our wedding, we were excited for them. They were following the Lord’s call on their life. I didn’t give much thought to how the distance would affect our budding relationship. We all were Christians, so everything should be good, right? I was so busy starting my new marriage and career, that building a relationship with my overseas mother-in-law wasn’t at the top of my list.

In hindsight, I wish I would have spent more intentional time cultivating that new relationship — as difficult as it was before the era of cell phones and video calls. The distance between us created a chasm that left us both on the outskirts of each other’s lives — especially through graduations, moves, and a new pregnancy.

Our first visit together after my in-law’s overseas move revealed that the relationship might not click as naturally as I had assumed. Conversations were surfacy, with deeper heart issues unshared. Expectations over holidays and extended family visits felt weighty. How many misunderstandings could have been avoided if I had carved out more time to really get to know Barb?

Notoriously Challenging Love

The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is notoriously difficult. From sitcoms on television, to mother-in-law jokes, to Rebekah complaining to Isaac about her Hittite daughter-in-law (Genesis 27:46), we consistently see conflict, strife, and division.

The irony here, of course, is that both of these women love the same man. The son of one has become the husband of the other. Now two women have a vested interest in how this man spends his time and money, where he lives and how he raises his children. Will he carry on what his mother so lovingly imparted to him? Or will he choose to forge a new path with the wife of his youth?

The marriage relationship binds us together in a new family, whether we like it or not. Maybe you’re delighted with the mother-in-law God has given you. You easily connect and have formed a friendship. Or maybe your relationship with your in-law is the most difficult relationship you have. There’s been a pattern of hurt and offense that seems impossible to repair.

Is there hope for a relationship that has so much water under the bridge?

Women Chosen for Each Other

Your mother-in-law may be far from the ideal person you’ve imagined, but she is the mother of the man you love and chose above all others. She is God’s hand-picked choice to be your mother-in-law. The ties that bind you are likely the strongest earthly relationships you will have — marriage, children, grandchildren.

“Your mother-in-law is God’s hand-picked choice to be your mother-in-law.”

Some might read what I’ve said so far and still wonder if a relationship with your mother-in-law is even necessary. Can’t it suffice to talk “through” the man in the middle and just see each other at holidays? After all, you have your own family now and are busy raising children and creating new traditions. But that in-law relationship is more important than you might think. And can yield surprising fruit as we seek to honor God as we move towards, and not away from, our mother-in-law.

Here are five reasons that pursuing a relationship with your mother-in-law is worth the (sometimes serious) investment it requires.

1. Love her to love your husband.

Daughters-in-law can create unnecessary tension in their own marriages by complaining about or criticizing their mother-in-law to their husband.

Not that there is never a valid reason to talk through a concern with your husband, but what is the tone that you use? Is it one of respect and kindness? After all, she is the one who gave birth to your husband, who fed him, nurtured him, drove him to school and endless practices, and perhaps has prayed for him more than anyone else in the world. Even if your husband and his mom don’t have a great relationship, she still deserves honor as the woman God placed in his life, and now yours.

Speaking well of your mother-in-law will help to promote harmony in the family, instead of creating division by forcing your husband to choose sides. Spending time with her shows that you value the place she has in your family’s life. In effect, we show love to our husbands and strengthen our own marriages when we joyfully invest in a relationship with our mother-in-law.

2. Love her to experience and express the costly love of Christ.

As selfish sinners by nature, we’re bound to have conflict with our mothers-in-law. We both have our ideal plans for vacation, or for the holidays, or for the way the kids (or grandkids) will be educated. Often times this leads to tension in the relationship. Or maybe the relationship has been tense from day one. Maybe even your husband has a strained relationship with his mom.

No matter the cause, by the power of the indwelling Spirit, we can show love and grace even at the worst moments. When we’re hurt, we can choose to guard our tongues instead of saying a biting remark in response (Psalm 141:3). We pattern ourselves after our merciful Savior, who freely offered us forgiveness and acceptance at the cross. When we were his enemies, Christ died for us! By his grace, we can move towards a difficult mother-in-law in love, freely forgiving the wounds inflicted, without bitterness. And we can ask God to search our own hearts for any sin that added to the tension (Psalm 139:23).

3. Love her to obey God.

In Exodus 20:12, the fifth commandment, God tells us to honor our mother and father. Even though your mother-in-law is not your own mother, she’s still the mother of your husband. And since we become one with our husband in marriage, she should be honored as if she were our own mother.

As a follower of Christ, we are not only to honor our parents, but we are to honor all people (1 Peter 2:17), because every one we know was made in the image of God. We’re not given an “out” if our mother-in-law is abrasive or our personalities clash. Instead we’re to rely on the all-sufficient grace of God to love and honor the mother of our beloved husband (2 Corinthians 12:9). This really is pleasing to the Lord.

4. Love her to find unexpected joy, peace, and friendship.

As we seek to honor our mother-in-law by intentionally seeking her out, looking for ways to love her well, we can trust God to give us joy and peace.

“God will be faithful to give us the grace we need to navigate the turbulent waters of family relationships.”

As we seek to be a peacemaker, we look for ways to honor her preferences — maybe it’s a phone call to catch up instead of text messages, or creating space in the calendar for a family dinner. As we warmly welcome this new mother into our lives, God will be faithful to give us the grace we need to navigate the turbulent waters of family relationships. He will be glorified as we lean into him to keep loving and pursuing our mother-in-law.

And you might be surprised that in the process of building your relationship, you gain a new friend!

5. Love her to become more like Jesus.

As we seek to know and love our mother-in-law, no matter what awkward family circumstances have occurred, God will mold and conform us into the image of Christ.

God will give us patience when we’re at the end of our rope. He’ll give us grace to forgive the hurtful comment. We can trust that God is using our in-law conflicts as a way to test our faith, produce perseverance, and mature us into the woman he means for us to be (James 1:2–4). He will enable our imperfect selves to rely on a perfect God for the grace to keep moving towards our mother-in-law, rather than away from her.

Twenty-two years after I said, “I do”, God has been gracious to redeem years that might have been more fruitful in my relationship with Barb. Even though Barb and I are far from having done everything “right,” I’m grateful that we persevered through hard times to a place where we have greater love and appreciation for each other. She has walked alongside me through numerous moves, babies being born, and church conflict. Her listening ear and tangible support have been a gift.

I’m grateful not only to call Barb my mother-in-law, but also a dear friend.

Kirollos, a young man from Alexandria, Egypt, was part of a local-church Bible study on the book of Romans. The study profoundly impacted him, revealing depths of God’s grace and sovereignty he had never seen before. Through this study, Kirollos embraced Reformed doctrine, moving away from previous beliefs strongly shaped by man-centered theology and the prosperity gospel. His passion for sound doctrine led him to enroll in the Alexandria School of Theology (AST), where he deepened his knowledge and commitment to biblical principles. This year, Kirollos is set to graduate from AST, equipped to spread the truths he has come to cherish in a context that desperately needs faithful gospel proclamation.

By God’s grace, Kirollos’s story is not unique. Today, God is raising up a growing number of men and women who long to see Egypt and the Arab-speaking world filled with the knowledge of Christ.

Egypt’s Doctrinal Decline

Christianity in Egypt dates as far back as the first century. In the early centuries of the Egyptian church, prominent theologians such as Athanasius and Cyril of Alexandria emerged, significantly contributing to Christian theology. Despite this rich heritage, however, the Egyptian church soon faced significant challenges — particularly after the Chalcedonian debate about the person of Christ in the fifth century, and even more after the Muslim conquest in the seventh century. The church in Egypt became known as the Coptic Church (“Coptic” is the name of a language descending from ancient Egyptian).

The Coptic Church constitutes about 9 or 10 percent of Egypt’s population, while Muslims make up around 90 percent. The Coptic Church, with its episcopalian governance under the patriarch of Alexandria, holds doctrines that differ significantly from Protestant beliefs, such as the mass as an atoning sacrifice, the priest as a mediator between God and man, the saints (especially the virgin Mary) as intercessors, fasting as an important means of mortifying sins, and baptism as regenerative. Protestants in Egypt form only about 1 percent of the population, with the majority of them Presbyterian (at least in name!).

The Protestant movement in Egypt began with Moravian missionaries in 1752, followed by the Anglican Church Mission Society in 1825, which focused on Bible distribution and education. Then the American Presbyterian Mission began in 1854, establishing the first presbytery in 1860 and a theological seminary in 1863. Tadrus Yusif became the first Reformed Egyptian minister in 1871. For the next century or so, the Presbyterian work was marked by vibrant churches, sound biblical literature, and a church constitution based on the Westminster Confession of Faith.

In the last few decades of the twentieth century, however, doctrinal decline and a shift toward the social gospel weakened the Presbyterian Church in Egypt. Over time, man-centered theology became rampant. Foundational Reformed doctrines, such as the doctrines of grace, were lost or even abhorred. Liberal professors and ideas invaded academia. Feminism spread throughout the church. And expository preaching was replaced by shallow motivational speeches, leading to a loss of the gospel message. This was the state of the Protestant church around the year 2000.

However, as the Scripture says, “But God . . .”

Sovereign Resurgence

God, being rich in mercy, has begun to visit the church in Egypt over the last two and a half decades. In 2005, the Alexandria School of Theology (AST) was founded under the Anglican church of Egypt, with a missionary from the Presbyterian Church in America as its first principal. This seminary has played a pivotal role in reintroducing sound doctrine to the Egyptian church. AST, with its emphasis on Reformed doctrines and solid biblical teaching, started training a new generation of theologians and pastors. Graduates from the school, along with other like-minded believers, have now begun to reintroduce faithful teaching to local churches throughout the country.

“God, being rich in mercy, has begun to visit the church in Egypt.”

One significant change was seen in Sidi Beshr Kebly Presbyterian Church in Alexandria, the church that introduced Kirollos to the sovereign God of Romans (and the church where I serve). Members of the church who studied at AST later became elders and leaders in the church, helping to move it toward robust Reformed doctrine. Soon, the church began preaching expository sermons and teaching on the five solas, the doctrines of grace, and the sovereignty of God.

Though this resurgence of Reformed theology was met with opposition and accusations of rigidity and arrogance (from both within and without), the church has been kept from division and has remained faithful to biblical doctrine, by God’s sustaining grace. At the same time, we became increasingly aware of the great need to bring these doctrines to others.

Publishing Sound Doctrine

In 2014, four lecturers at AST (two from my church — including myself — and two brothers from other churches) started to talk about bringing Reformed doctrine to the wider church in Egypt and the Arabic-speaking world. Eventually, we started a new teaching ministry named “El-Soora” (“The Standard,” from Romans 6:17) under the governance of our local church in Alexandria, focused on publishing, multimedia, and conferences. Our first major event in 2015 featured Don Carson in Alexandria, teaching a seminar titled “What Is the Gospel?” From this encouraging beginning, partnerships with like-minded ministries — such as The Gospel Coalition, Ligonier, Desiring God, Reformation Heritage Books, 9Marks, Crossway, and P&R — have furthered our reach.

God has been using AST and El-Soora in an amazing way to bring back Reformed doctrines to Egypt, but he has also quickened other brothers and sisters in Egypt and beyond with the same convictions. If the number of Reformed Christians in Egypt numbered in the tens in the early 2000s, now it is in the hundreds, if not more. Twenty years ago, finding sound Christian literature in Arabic could be very difficult. But now, translation efforts have made many sound books available in Arabic, and the number is increasing every year. Even more exciting are the Egyptian leaders who are writing articles and books in Arabic and speaking at churches and conferences in Egypt. One elder in a church has produced hymns based on Reformed doctrines from the Scriptures. Egyptian professors are also teaching Reformed doctrines at seminaries inside and outside of Egypt.

In 2019, El-Soora helped to start an annual Reformed conference. These gatherings have provided a platform to expose more leaders to Reformed theology and demonstrate that such doctrines align with the global church and the teachings of the early missionaries to Egypt. The conference also offers a safe environment for distributing and selling Reformed books from El-Soora and other publishers. By God’s grace, attendance has increased yearly, with 350 attendees at the last conference and hundreds of books sold.

Praying for a Harvest

Today, while truly Reformed churches remain rare in Egypt, interest is growing. The movement, though young, is expanding. The number of Reformed Christians is small in a country of more than 110 million people, but we can testify that God has visited us in Egypt. He did not leave us in our blindness. In the book of Acts, the church started with only 120 people, but by God’s grace the gospel went out, many churches were planted, and the word of God was taught and preached through the whole Roman world, even in antagonistic contexts (a reality that sounds familiar to us). “Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart” (2 Corinthians 4:1).

As our Lord said, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest” (Matthew 9:37–38). Despite the progress, we still see a pressing need for well-trained Reformed teachers and pastors in Egypt and beyond. The hunger for sound teaching and a gospel-centered pastorate is growing. Many believers struggle to find healthy local churches in which they and their families may be cared for as Christ’s sheep. We continue to pray for a revival in local churches and for God to raise more laborers for his harvest, confident that Christ is building his church and that the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.