I won’t ever forget the day we dropped Nick at college. We had driven him down to Louisville, Kentucky where he had enrolled in pre-seminary studies at Boyce College. We had helped get his little dorm room all set up. We had dropped by the bookstore and picked up the last of his textbooks. We had attended the orientation meetings and the chapel service. We had huddled together to pray. And now there was just one thing left to do—begin our journey home and leave him behind.

As I drove along Lexington Road and made my way toward I-64, Aileen sat beside me and wept. She did not weep gently. She did not weep in such a way as to have a few tears trickle gently down her cheeks. No, she wept as if her heart had been torn in two. Hours later we arrived home and, as we began to settle in for the evening, I had my own moment of emotion when it came time to lock the doors, for I realized that I was no longer locking all my children in to the safety of our home, but this time locking one of them out.
We adjusted quickly, of course. Nick thrived at Boyce and we took great joy in his joy. How could we lament his absence when he was doing so well, learning so much, and growing so substantially in wisdom and godliness? Two years later we had to do it again when Abby headed down to join him. We found her departure a little bit easier having gone through it once, but also a little bit harder in that it came in the midst of a pandemic that had very nearly closed the border between our countries. In August of this year we will do it all again, Lord willing, when Michaela journeys down to take up her studies there. This time we will be empty-nesters, at least for the duration of the school year.
A friend recently asked for some guidance for parents whose children are leaving home, perhaps to go to school or perhaps to join the military or perhaps just to begin an independent life. “What counsel might you give them” she asked? I thought I’d take a few minutes to consider it. Here’s what I came up with.
First, I would encourage parents to deliberately begin loosening their oversight well before their children leave. We do not serve our children well when we maintain rigid control over them while they are in the home but then simply release them when they leave. It’s far better to begin to release control when we are still present to observe and to guide them. It’s not the worst thing in the world if they fail a few times when mom and dad are still nearby to provide them a soft landing.
Second, treat them like adults. You need to do your kids the dignity of treating them like grown-ups and not like children. This involves giving them adult privileges, but also requiring adult expectations. I expect you will generally find that they are eager to prove themselves by rising to those expectations.
Third, I would encourage those parents to carefully distinguish between matters of preference and matters of absolute right and wrong. What I mean is that your child is probably going to be out of your home for all of two weeks before they get a tattoo or a piercing, or before they begin sporting some new fashion choices or a new hairstyle. Kids who are raised in a Christian home often seem to feel the need to express themselves in ways like these. And while it may not be your preference, you’ll need to consider whether or not you treat them as if they’ve sinned. (Hint: they probably haven’t; also, see my second point above.)
Fourth, help them find a good church. Make sure that when they depart to a new school they are also departing to a new church. I’m always glad when parents contact me to say, “my child is moving to Toronto to go to school; can you tell me about your church?” I’m always glad to welcome those students when they begin to attend. And I’m sure most pastors are the same. I would generally encourage students to become members of the church they go to when at school since they will be there for more time than they’ll be at home. Plus, it’s good for them to go through a membership process independent of their parents.
Fifth, clarify expectations about relationships. It would be helpful for you to distinguish between “I think it would be wise for you to refrain from dating during your freshman year so you can focus on adjusting to college and building friendships” versus “I forbid you to date in your freshman year.” Give them that clarity and remember to treat them like adults.
Sixth, write them letters. I’m sure you’ll be calling, texting, and FaceTiming with your kids, but there is still something special about letters. Leave a letter with your children when you drop them off for the first time and then make it your habit to write to them every few weeks. They may not reply since you probably never taught them how to write and address a letter but they will read, keep, and treasure the ones you send them. Also, why not send them care packages from time to time.
Seventh, find the balance between letting them go and remaining involved in their lives. Don’t stalk them or obsess about them, but also don’t utterly abandon them. Remain in contact and make yourself available for counsel. But also be sure to grant them their independence. It may take some trial and error, but you’ll find the right balance.
Finally, commend them to the grace of God, trusting in your own heart that God loves them even more than you do and that his plan for them is even better than your own. Pray for them and pray with them as you part and make this your final and ultimate petition before the Lord: nevertheless, not as I will but as you will.
Oh, and remember to treat them like adults. But I’m pretty sure we already covered that.
(Got something to add? Feel free to leave a Facebook comment.)

“I offer two pieces of wisdom,” he told me, “two commitments you can make: Never be discouraged and never be a discourager.” I have thought deeply about this counsel and have decided it is good—mostly good.

I say “mostly good” because there are times when we cannot help but be discouraged, times when we are deflated and demoralized, when we lose confidence or enthusiasm. After all, this world is messy and this life is difficult. We have friends that hurt us, bodies that fail us, minds that betray us. We wage war against fierce and persistent enemies and endure the toughest of circumstances. So there are times when discouragement is unavoidable and neither sinful nor wrong.
Similarly, there are times when we cannot help but be discouragers, times when we need to take the wind out of another person’s sails by speaking firmly or warning soberly. We may have to deliver difficult news or announce just consequences. There are times when, for a higher purpose, it falls to us to express disapproval and, in that way, cause someone else to become downcast or dispirited. So too, there are times when being a discourager is unavoidable and neither sinful nor wrong.
Yet it seems to me that being discouraged is far more often a choice we make as we respond to the vicissitudes of life and being a discourager is far more often a choice we make as we act sinfully instead of purely. Far more often both are more of a decision than an absolute necessity and more a matter of sinfulness than holiness.
We often prove a discouragement to others when we make ourselves a source of negative news rather than positive encouragement or when we spread information that is outright false or perhaps merely unnecessary. Sometimes in our interactions with others we focus on what is false, vile, and base rather than what is true, lovely, and worthy of praise. And then we can permit bad character to flourish rather than the fruit of the Spirit and evil words to leave our lips rather than those that build up. Then our sinfulness overflows from our hearts and manifests itself in words and deeds that hurt or hinder those we are called to love. In all of these ways, discouragement is a choice we make. It would do us good to determine, “Never be a discourager.”
We often grow discouraged when we allow sin to put down deep roots in our hearts rather than committing ourselves to proving good soil for the work of the Spirit. We often grow discouraged when we interpret God through our negative circumstances rather than interpreting our difficult circumstances in light of our glorious God. We often grow discouraged when we fail to remember that God is working all things for good and when we fail to meditate on the fact that this light, momentary affliction is preparing us for a glory far beyond our ability to comprehend. We often experience discouragement when we simply fail to be encouraged by the truths of God, the love of God, and the promises of God. It would do us good to determine, “Never be discouraged.”
“Never be discouraged and never be a discourager,” he told me. And I find myself agreeing with his counsel and, so far as it depends upon me, committing myself to it.

May the God of love and peace be with you on this fine day.

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(Yesterday on the blog: A Tribute to Those of Simple Faith)
From Meat to Meta: Facebook’s Disincarnate Dreamworld
“I find myself strangely grateful to the Zuck for giving me a new appreciation of the beauty of Christ’s enfleshment.” Here’s why one writer is strangely grateful for Mark Zuckerberg’s vision of a better world.
Night watch
“I remember when the two emails arrived. One after the other. To our inbox in Karachi. Same time. Same message. Traveling across the world. From opposite sides of the United States.”
Advice About Hard Bible Passages from the Bible
Here’s some help with hard passages. “One of the marvelous things about the Bible is that in it, God speaks to many of the challenges we face—including difficult passages in the Bible itself. We will look at one such section of Scripture in this article.”
A monument of gift
“There’s a principle in the Bible that’s foreign to our Protestant intuitions. When the people of Israel were dramatically saved by the Lord, they built a monument.” And that’s significant in its own way.
Giving thanks between two cultures
I enjoyed this little look at how different Christian cultures give thanks differently.
Should We Pursue Self-Love?
If you’re familiar with Randy Alcorn’s writing, his position on this matter won’t shock you. “I’ve often heard it said in evangelical messages, books, and articles that God’s Word teaches three kinds of love—love for God, love for others, and love for self.”
On Cigarettes, Vaping, and Nicotine
And if you’re familiar with John Piper’s writing, his position on this matter won’t shock you either. You may not fully agree, but he does lay out his position very clearly.
Five Words to Improve Every Sermon
Jason Allen: “Over the years, as I have monitored my own preaching and observed others, I have come to realize how intentionally using a few key words will strengthen most any sermon.” He offers five…
Flashback: Fears and Fleeting Faith
Our faith is shockingly shallow on the day of uncertainty. Our fears quickly overwhelm our fleeting faith.

Our everyday moments might be ordinary, but when we accomplish them while displaying the fruit of the Spirit, they reflect our extraordinary Savior. —Emily Jensen