I have said a lot about Nick over the past two years. I have written a lot articles and done quite a number of interviews and even published a book. And I have been aware all the while that I can only speak to a small part of our loss, for there were many people who loved Nick and many who lost him. Today is the second anniversary of his death and I asked Aileen if she felt ready to write something. She said she did, and so today I am turning things over to her.

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When I was in Nashville for the Seasons of Sorrow book launch, Tim was asked several times “how are your wife and daughters doing?” It was asked often enough that, upon reflection, I think people understand that Tim has been nuancing the way he talks about my experience with grief as well as that of our girls. He has been very careful to only give voice to his experience of the last few years, and to word it in such a way that people don’t assume that the rest of the family’s experience necessarily matches his. I love him for this, and appreciate it very much. After all, Tim’s story is only part of the story. That’s because a dad’s grief is different from a mom’s grief. This makes sense. God has created each person to be unique which means each person’s experience of grief is unique. Each person’s relationship with the deceased is different as well, and this lends itself to differences in how each person grieves him. Adding another layer of complexity, each circumstance of loss is different as well. As we hear from people who have lost loved ones, I am continually struck by how different and unique each situation is, how grief shows differently in each person and each circumstance. This must be another example of how we are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Tim recently asked if for the second anniversary of Nick’s death I would be willing to write something about it—something that may help answer the question of how I am doing.
I was told it would probably take about two years before I felt anything close to back to normal, and it very much feels like the end of year two is the beginning of a new season. Because of this, it feels appropriate to look back and ponder what I am thankful for.
I am thankful for God preparing me.
God has been kind. He gave us one of the hardest things and yet he also gave so much to help us survive. Looking back, I now see how he prepared me years ago to weather such a storm. He blessed me by giving me a bedrock of theology that in my weakest moment I had to simply deploy. I can see how he gave us what we needed moment by moment to continue to walk in faith through such suffering. When nothing felt true, when God didn’t feel kind, when he didn’t feel good, when he didn’t feel just, I had a choice: I could choose to believe what my heart and my emotions were telling me—that God was cruel, unkind and unjust—or I could choose to believe what my mind knew to be true of God’s character and trust that eventually my emotions would catch up to my brain. There are days when this is still a struggle, but I have learned not to trust my feelings. Emotions cannot inform truth. Rather, truth must inform emotions. God didn’t abandon us, he walked with us and prepared us.  I had to choose to see his presence, but he was there.  I am so thankful in his mercy he prepared me.
I am thankful for God’s sovereignty.
God’s sovereignty is both comforting and terrifying at the same time. I think in the abstract I knew the Lord could choose to do anything he wanted in our lives. But suddenly, on November 3, I learned dramatically that he actually will do anything. Even so, I am so thankful God is in control. This situation would be only worse if God had no control over it. God had every right to chose this for us. I may not much like it, but I know he has purpose in it. As humans we seem to have a driving need to understand why things are happening. It makes us feel better if we can attribute a specific purpose to the hardships we are experiencing. But the reality is that in our human weakness and frailty, God has not given us that ability. We can guess, we can suspect, but we cannot know. God instead gives us knowledge of his sovereignty, and asks us to trust, by faith, that all things work together for our good and his glory. How this is true in Nick’s death I do not know. I don’t expect to ever know, on this earth, the full purpose of this suffering in our lives. But, I do know one day it will all make sense. I can wait, patiently, trusting in God’s character. I am thankful he sees the big picture, that he is in control of all things, and that nothing happens outside his will. I am thankful that God is sovereign.
I am thankful this is temporary.
I also know that as hard as this is, it is all temporary. Initially we divided the days up by doing the next hard thing. That might have been the call to the coroner or the call to the funeral home. It might have been picking out clothing or packing up belongings. But for a long while our life was divided into segments, defined by the next hard thing we had to do. As time has gone on those hard things have grown further apart. Even so, the reality is we will always have the next hard thing we have to do. Life in this fallen world dictates it. But one day, there will no longer be the next hard thing. I am so thankful that this world is not our home. Until that day, when the Lord calls me home, my job on this earth is not yet done. So I will wait patiently, enduring what I need to until one day there will be no more mourning, no more crying or pain, and every tear will be wiped away and death shall be no more. I am so thankful this is temporary.
Lastly, I am thankful I got to be Nick’s mom.
I have wanted to tell you all about Nick, but as I began to write this out I found that I still can’t. Another time perhaps, when the pain is a little less raw, when my heart hurts just little bit less, I’ll be able to share a bit more about my firstborn, the one who first made me a mom. God in his mercy gave me a son who brought light and joy to my life for 20 years. Despite all the sadness, I am so very thankful I got to be a mom to my Nick.
A few days after Nick’s death I wrote to a friend of mine and I expressed my longing for the day joy would return. I knew logically that one day it would come, but looking forward all I could see was heartache and sorrow. These have been hard, hard days. But God in his kindness and mercy has sustained us. We have grieved and mourned and wept. But as the two-year mark draws to a close, I am seeing that joy return—joy that is less tainted by sorrow. I am thankful. God has been present. And I think I will end here as I have ended every note I have written in the last two years: God is still good.
This is a special photo as it captured the first moment Nick began to respond to Aileen and ‘talk’ back to her.

I wonder if you have ever considered that the solution to discontentment almost always seems to be more. If I only had more money I would be content. If I only had more followers, more possessions, more beauty, then at last I would consider myself successful. If only my house was bigger, my influence wider, my sales higher. Then, at last, I would achieve the contentment that has been so elusive.
The trouble, of course, is that “more” is a changing and escalating standard rather than a stable one. No matter what you have, there is still more to be had. Even if you earn more there is still more to earn and even if you achieve more there is still more to achieve. The pursuit of more is an endless pursuit. More is a thankless master.
Part of the reason for this is that we don’t usually simply want more. Rather, we want more than—more than another person. No one in the world is content to be the second richest man, the second most beautiful woman, or the second fastest runner. And, for the record, no one is perfectly content to be the richest, most beautiful, or fastest either. Why? Because they know their time will soon be up, and if there’s anything worse than being the second richest in the world it’s being the former richest in the world and if there’s anything worse than being the second most beautiful person in the world it’s being the former most beautiful person—the one whose beauty has long since diminished or whose standard of beauty has long since been supplanted. (Imagine that for the majority of your life it’s said of you, “She used to be so beautiful.”)
The fact is, true contentment rests with what it has, not with what it desires. If you aren’t content with what you’ve got, you won’t be content even if it is multiplied by ten thousand. If you cannot be content with a hundred followers you will not be content with a million. If you cannot be content in lower management you will not be content in the c-suite. If you cannot be content with an amount of money that is sufficient you will not be content with an amount of money that is abundant.
That’s because at this very moment your discontentment is not actually with what you have, with what you have accomplished, or with what you have earned—your discontentment is with God and with what he has provided. Ultimately, your discontentment is Godward. And such discontentment is not resolved by being given more. The only “more” you need is more of God’s Spirit, God’s values, God’s character. It’s sanctification you lack, not success. It’s holiness that stands between you and contentment, not accomplishment.
The best goals are pursued from contentment instead of for contentment.Share
The path to contentment begins with your current life, your current reality, your current circumstances. It begins with words like the Apostle Paul’s—words written from a prison cell: “I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content” (Philippians 4:11). Paul could be content in every situation because he knew that God is sovereign over every situation—that whether in plenty or hunger, in abundance or need, in joy or sorrow, in receiving or surrendering, his circumstances had been decreed by God. He was only ever in the situation that God had determined would most bring Him glory. For that reason he could be content. Success was not in possessing but in obeying, not in accumulating but in serving. He knew the true secret to contentment, and now so do you.
There is a place in the Christian life for drive and ambition, for being the most, having the most, or achieving the most. But the best goals are pursued from contentment instead of for contentment. Satisfied in what God has given and satisfied most ultimately in him, we can press on for more, all the while saying, “Nevertheless, not what I will but what you will.” By his grace God may grant what we desire, knowing we will steward it well. By his grace he may deny it, knowing that what we long for might ruin us. Regardless, we can press on in joy and peace, fully trusting in our wise and generous God.

Good morning! I am about to make my way across the Pacific for my second Worship Round the World journey. I’ve got many miles to go today…

There is a massive list of Kindle deals to go through today and it includes a lot of great commentaries.
This month you can listen to Mitch Chase’s book on the resurrection for free at ONE Audiobooks.
(Yesterday on the blog: Banksy and Beauty from Ashes)
Pastors Are Paid to Stare Out the Window
Every week I look forward to Jared Wilson’s column. I’m never disappointed by it!
Apple Wants to Solve One of Music’s Biggest Problems
This is a really interesting look at why Apple’s new classical music app is such a big deal (and just on time for Easter, too). “The world’s richest company released a sleek new product this week that was years in the making and had to meet its exacting standards before it was ready to be used by millions of people. But it wasn’t a phone, a gadget or an AI chatbot. The latest innovation from Apple was a better way of listening to classical music.”
How Did the King of Kings Die?
“In the ancient world there was a man declared to be ‘the King of kings’. His reign was very short but he was widely influential, had thousands of admiring followers, and his presence brought peace and hope to many. Yet his life was cut short through a premature death.” (This may not be the person you’re thinking of.)
Did Palm Trees Grow in Jerusalem at the Time of Jesus?
A number of scholars have insisted that palm trees did not grow in Jerusalem. Were they right?
On Ending Well: An Open Letter To A Pastor
This is such a sweet tribute to pastors.
Do elder’s children have to be believers? (Titus 1:6)
Bill Mounce looks at a disputed passage and offers a very plausible interpretation.
Flashback: Don’t Waste the Days When You Feel Little Need for God
Ideally, trials are not the time to construct a relationship but the time to lean upon an existing one. Ideally, trauma is not the time to begin trying to understand how God is present in our pain, but the time to lean into what we already know to be true.

The cross stands as the focal point of the Christian faith. Without the cross the Bible is an enigma, and the Gospel of salvation is an empty hope. —James Montgomery Boice