We might dismiss the first marriage as too extraordinary to be practically helpful. How could any ordinary sinful husband or wife today relate to those truly innocent newlyweds, with their perfect home in a flawless paradise? They enjoyed a fullness of peace and security and intimacy that’s now alien to the earth we’ve known.

Even for Adam and Eve, however, the honeymoon phase didn’t last long (at least when measured in verses). And we learn as much (or more) from their later failures as we do from their early obedience. As a young, often-failing husband, I find my imagination captured by the only sinless husband in history laying all he had on the altar of sin and compromise. His failures are foils of my callings, strange and dark inroads into what my marriage was meant to be — into what I was meant to be. His failures press our vague and comfortable ideas of what it means to be a husband into higher, less comfortable definition.

The more years I’m married, the more easily I can put myself in Adam’s fig leaves. His sins are unique for being the first, but they’re not all that different in kind or consequence. As it turns out, it’s a lot easier to be a bad husband than a faithful one, even in paradise. So what might we learn from that first bad husband? We’ll study their marital collapse in three stages.

When Temptation Came

The first verses in the single-most tragic chapter in Scripture don’t even mention the man. As a result, we might be led to think Adam was simply a supporting actor (perhaps even a victim) in this awful story. The reality, however, is that his seeming absence was his first great failure.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” (Genesis 3:1)

Satan knew how to attack a marriage. He knew that the surest way to undo the man, the marriage, and their brilliant mural of God and his people was to target the wife and seek to reverse the order of their callings. He undermines their matrimony by encouraging her to be the assertive head and him the yielding helper. So he goes after the bride. And where was Adam?

As we continue reading, we realize the husband was not, in fact, absent, but stood by quietly. In the same moment of temptation, he commits two of the most common sins of men: he fails to do what needs to be done (passivity), and he does what ought never be done (compromise). Notice how he finally enters the scene:

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. (Genesis 3:6)

Passivity

Adam was not off gathering food or herding lions while Satan snuck in to deceive Eve; he was there with her. His wife didn’t grab some fruit and run off to find him; she simply turned and held out her hand. He didn’t need her to relay all that was said; he likely heard every word. And yet he let her listen, and take, and eat. His home fell by a poisonous passivity. While it was Eve who listened (1 Timothy 2:14), who took what was not hers, and who prepared the forbidden meal, Adam stood by and let it all happen.

Just a few verses earlier, in Genesis 2:15, “The Lord God took the man” — the man, not the couple — “and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it” — to guard it, preserve it, protect it. Jason DeRouchie unpacks this keeping: “[The husband] is to supply spiritual and physical food, and to ward off any spiritual or physical obstacles to the glory-filled global mission to which God called his family.” But when temptation came to his home, Adam failed to keep what God had entrusted to him. Instead of intervening, he tolerated and made room for him.

What kept Adam from stepping in and speaking up? We’re not told. I assume, however, that his temptations weren’t so different from the ones husbands like me face today. Perhaps it was pride. That’s certainly the weakness Satan aimed for: “You will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Genesis 3:5). Perhaps it was fear, wondering what Eve might feel or say if he refused the fruit. Perhaps it was sloth, simply lacking the strength and resolve to resist and fight back. Perhaps it was a lust for power, longing to taste that one forbidden pleasure. Passivity grows in any number of soils, but as we see again and again, it always bears the same bitter fruit.

Compromise

Adam wasn’t entirely passive, though. The three most haunting words, at least for husbands, might be these: “. . . she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.”

The husband not only watched as his wife made war on God, but he grabbed a sword of his own. He knew full well what God had said. Again, just a few verses earlier, we read, “The Lord God commanded the man” — the man, not the couple — “saying, ‘You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die’” (Genesis 2:16–17). And yet he ate. The deceitfulness of sin made him deaf to the voice that had brought him from dust and breathed life into his lungs. Is anything more destructive and painful to a home than when a husband, who manifestly knows better, dives headlong into sin?

“The surest way for a man to protect the home around him is for him to guard the heart within him.”

And how many homes have crumbled because husbands failed to see temptation for what it is and call sin what it is? The surest way for a man to protect the home around him is for him to guard the heart within him. As husbands, we follow in the footsteps of the Bridegroom, who met Satan and his temptations in the wilderness after forty lonely, hungry days and yet would not bite. Not when the devil tried the same old line, “Did God actually say . . . ?” Not when he was hungry. Not for the glory of a hundred nations.

Our homes and churches need husbands and fathers who refuse to abandon God’s word, even if their wives, children, and friends come to lead them away.

After Sin Happened

After Adam and Eve ate from the tree and fell into sin and shame, the Lord came calling, and when he did, he came first, as we should expect, for the husband.

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:8–9)

When God asks him what happened, Adam shifts the blame everywhere but himself, even casting accusations back at God. “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate” (Genesis 3:12). She gave me the fruit, and you gave her to me, so who could blame me?

I imagine any man who’s been married for long can relate to the seduction of self-pity — wanting to preserve our name and honor while the house is on fire. How deceitful is sin if we can be convinced to blame God for sin? And yet Adam does. And we do, in our own ways. We feel bad for ourselves about this or that and begin to make excuses for our failures.

The point was not that Eve should take no blame (to her credit, she owns her part, verse 13); the point was that Adam should take the first and greater blame. He, not she, was called to keep. Faithful husbands step up and take responsibility in crisis and defeat. They don’t go looking for excuses or scapegoats. They know that judgment always begins with the head of the home. So they first remove whatever they can find in their own eyes (Matthew 7:5), and then they do all in their power to correct, restore, and protect the family. When sin happens in the home, the husband takes responsibility — not meaning he accepts all blame, but that he accepts his part of the blame and then, more importantly, owns how the family responds to it.

If Satan can convince a husband that his marital problems are all rooted in her sins, he’s removed the walls of their home and opened them to all manner of spiritual attack. Yes, the woman, not the man, was deceived, but Scripture says sin entered the world through the man, not the woman (Romans 5:12).

Before Temptation Came?

We can’t say much about the space and time between the last verse of Genesis 2 — “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” — and the first verses of Genesis 3 — “Now the serpent . . . said to the woman” (Genesis 3:1–2). Had Adam already failed by letting Satan in at all? We don’t know how the devil invaded the garden or how he got an audience with its queen. We do know that God had charged the king to keep — to forbid and withstand all threats.

However Satan slipped in, we know that keeping a marriage and home in a world like ours, corrupted by sin and brimming with temptation, begins well before temptation comes. We know that many temptations can be avoided altogether because Jesus teaches us to pray, “Lead us not into temptation” (Matthew 6:13) — not just lead us through temptation, but keep us from it altogether. Don’t let his awful lies touch our ears. Husbands and fathers are one great means to this kind of protection. We make sacrifices to stand on the spiritual walls of our homes, monitoring the unique threats and needs that emerge in our marriages and parenting, and then taking decisive, costly action when they do.

“Being a husband means standing guard before serpents come.”

How many husbands today, like Adam, have lowered our guards and let temptation invade and live freely in our homes? How often have we let Satan’s lies go unchallenged — or worse, undetected? Being a husband means standing guard before serpents come.

Proactive Protection

This keeping, however, means not only keeping evil out of the home, but kindling and cultivating good within it. Spiritual protection always involves teaching and encouragement.

Guardians of the home don’t just stand on the wall, scanning the horizon for shadows; they also fill the walls with light. They know that a family’s best defense is a deepening and expanding joy in God, that some of the best keeping happens through consistently reading, sharing, praying, marveling, serving, and singing. After all, Adam and Eve didn’t eat because they got hungry, but because their eyes had grown dim toward God. John Piper says,

Swallowing forbidden fruit is bad. But it is not the essence of what happened here. The moral outrage — the horror — of what happened here was that Adam and Eve desired this fruit more than they desired God. They delighted more in what the fruit could be for them than in what God could be for them. Eating was not the essence of the evil because, before they ate, they had already lost their taste for God. He was no longer their all-supplying life and joy. They preferred something else. That is the ultimate essence of evil. (“The Ultimate Essence of Evil”)

Part of a husband’s charge to guard the home, then, is to do what he can to foster the kind of delight in God that gladly rejects whatever Satan offers. Joy guards our wives and children from temptation and delivers them from evil.

Husbands, we have a high and weighty calling — and with it, a higher and stronger God to help in time of need. Like Adam, we’ll inevitably fail as husbands. Unlike Adam, we now know where to find forgiveness for our failures and the daily strength to love our wives and families faithfully. So when temptation comes, we step in and defy Satan head on, taking as much of his fire as we can. After sin happens, we take responsibility before God and lead the family in sorrow, confession, and repentance. And before temptation comes, we keep a big, satisfying vision of God before our families — through family worship, through informal conversations, and perhaps most of all, through our own contagious joy in him.

In March 1557, a group of Protestant French tradesmen landed on an island off the coast of Brazil, coming to be a part of a new French colony that needed more people, especially skilled workers. Along with this company were two Protestant ministers, Pierre Richier and Guillaume Chartier, who had been invited to teach the other Europeans and to evangelize the native people. This landing marked the first Protestant missionary enterprise to the New World.

Before long, however, the Catholic governor of the colony exiled the Protestant preachers to the mainland, and then eventually he forced them to return to France. Thus, while this missionary effort to the Americas did not last long and saw little fruit, it was the first Protestant attempt to brave the great difficulties involved in bringing the gospel to the people in these new lands.

What sort of church and what kind of leaders were behind such a daring and dangerous undertaking? What was the soil from which this great, historic endeavor emerged? Contrary to some contemporary expectations, this missionary enterprise arose from the church in Geneva under the leadership of John Calvin.

Though this episode (and others like it) are well-known and discussed in academic circles, the general public commonly assumes, and missions textbooks confidently assert, that the Protestant Reformers lacked zeal or urgency for world missions. Some assume that the Reformers’ high view of God’s sovereignty undercut missions concern; others, more sympathetically, state that the press of survival and rebuilding the church kept them from being able to concentrate on missions. Yet the church in Geneva supplied the first Protestant missionaries to the New World.

The effort did not have much success. We cannot judge such work by the success we see, however, but by the willingness to obey. And this was dangerous obedience — traveling to an unknown world, all while risking health, stability, and even life in interaction with Catholic authorities, unknown diseases and animals, and potentially hostile natives. Still they went.

Joyful Cause

Some have sought to downplay this effort, suggesting it merely supported commercial activity or provided religious services for the French settlers. However, we have a firsthand account of the Genevan church’s actions in the personal journal of Jean de Léry, a member of the church in Geneva.

According to de Léry, the Genevan church was asked to provide preachers and other people “well-instructed in the Christian religion” so that they might teach the other Europeans and “bring savages to the knowledge of their salvation.”1 The missionary element of the endeavor is crystal clear. Furthermore, the response of the church to this request is striking. De Léry records, “Upon receiving these letters and hearing this news, the church of Geneva at once gave thanks to God for the extension of the reign of Jesus Christ in a country so distant and likewise so foreign and among a nation entirely without knowledge of the true God.”2 Not only was evangelistic outreach a part of the original plan, but it was also a prospect that brought great joy to the church!

During the mission, one of the missionaries sent a letter to Calvin. He described the difficulties of their evangelistic efforts, but said, “Since the Most High has given us this task, we expect this Edom to become a future possession of Christ.”3 Not only was this clearly a mission endeavor; the missionaries themselves persevered in a most difficult task buoyed by confidence in a sovereign God.

Churches on Mission

This account is not out of character for the churches of the Reformation. The churches in Wittenberg and Geneva trained pastors, and sent them out to preach the gospel all over Europe, crossing national borders and risking their lives. Geneva has been described as a vast mission hub: as refugees poured in from across Europe, they were trained and then sent back out to preach the gospel.

The Genevan church kept a Register of the Company of Pastors, a sort of book of minutes, which catalogs the sending of missionaries to various places. As early as 1553, there is mention of a pastor being sent to a group of embattled Protestants in France. By 1557, the same year Richier and Chartier arrived in Brazil, the Register shows that the sending of missionary pastors formed a regular part of the work of the Genevan church. By 1562, religious wars in France made it too dangerous to record these activities, but by then the Register had already recorded 88 missionaries by name sent out since 1557, and other records indicate that many more were sent in those later years, including more than 100 in one year alone.

This was no accidental missionary fervor; it grew in these churches because Martin Luther, Calvin, and others taught their people to pray for the salvation of the nations, gave them songs to sing about missions, and regularly exhorted them in sermons toward evangelism.

Kingdom Prayers and Songs

In his brief work written to teach his people how to pray following the Lord’s Prayer, Luther provides an example of how one might pray from each petition. In each of the first three petitions, he explicitly prays for the conversion of unbelievers.4 Luther’s exposition of the Lord’s Prayer in his Large Catechism also teaches that “your kingdom come” calls us to pray that the kingdom “may gain recognition and followers among other people and advance with power throughout the world.”5

Similarly, Calvin expounds Paul’s call to pray “for all people” (1 Timothy 2:1), exhorting his people to “call upon God and ask him to work toward the salvation of the whole world, and that we give ourselves to this work both night and day.”6 Indeed, throughout his series on 1 Timothy, preached in the year leading up to the mission to Brazil, Calvin regularly concluded the sermons with a prayer for the salvation of the nations.7

Luther’s hymns, which were a hallmark of his work and spread to other churches, also exhorted believers to take the gospel to the nations, and reflected on God’s desire for the “heathen” to come to faith.8

Laboring for Souls

Last, not only did these Reformers call for prayer for world mission, but they called for direct witness. Luther says, “One must always preach the gospel so that one may bring some more to become Christians.”9 Furthermore, “It would be insufferable for someone to associate with people and not reveal what is useful for the salvation of their souls.”10 Indeed, Luther says, “If the need were to arise, all of us should be ready to die in order to bring a soul to God.”11

Calvin taught, “If we have any kindness in us, seeing that we see men go to destruction until God has got them under his obedience: ought we not to be moved with pity to draw the silly souls out of hell and to bring them into the way of salvation?”12 He told pastors that God had made them ministers for the purpose of saving souls, and thus, God calls them to labor “mightily, and with greater zeal and earnestness” for the salvation of souls.13 Even when people reject the salvation offered to them, we continue to “devote” ourselves to this evangelistic work and “take pains” in calling people to faith so that they might “call as many to God as they can.” Indeed, “we must take pains to draw all the world to salvation.”14

In fact, Calvin strongly rebukes those who lack evangelistic concern:

So then let us mark first of all that all who care not whether they bring their neighbors to the way of salvation or not, and those who do not care to bring the poor unbelievers also, instead being willing to let them go to destruction, show plainly that they make no account of God’s honor. . . . And thus we see how cold we are and negligent to pray for those who have need and are this day in the way to death and damnation.15

It is no wonder that churches receiving this sort of instruction developed a heart for seeing the gospel go to the ends of the earth. Rather than disparaging these brothers and sisters who went before us, we should humbly look to them to learn from their zeal and perseverance.

While you may not recognize the name Henry Van Dyke Jr., most spouses are well-acquainted with his work. It comes up in that dreaded moment when you realize an attempt to pursue and bless your spouse didn’t land. And by “didn’t land,” I mean, when it landed, it landed like a bomb, not a blessing. In moments like these, spouses have looked for solace, again and again, in the timeless wisdom of Van Dyke Jr.: “It’s the thought that counts.”

The original quote was this: “It is not the gift, but the thought that counts.” While this maxim may have some value when a genuinely thoughtful gift misses the mark, the sentiment shouldn’t become a target for anyone pursuing a spouse. In fact, it’s quite ironic that a pithy statement centering on the word thought is, in reality, often used to excuse away thoughtlessness.

Thoughts That Really Count

Imagine if my wife, Julia, were to buy me the nicest hairbrush (I’m bald), and then spend hours knitting me the most comfortable Duke Blue Devil blanket (I’m a Tar Heel). After she presents her gifts, I sit in dumbfounded silence until she breaks in: “Well, it’s the thought that counts!” As I’m uploading the pictures of my newly acquired items to eBay, I would say (in the most loving way), “Well, those were some bad thoughts!”

The picture may be silly (unless you live in North Carolina), but the point isn’t. The thoughts that really count in marriage are not random thoughts that misfire, but informed thoughts that land as pleasant to our spouse. The apostle Peter charges husbands, “Live with your wives in an understanding way” (1 Peter 3:7). Good intentions are important, but in marriage in particular, as we model Christ and his church, we should want to aim higher than good intentions.

“Stop trying to love and pursue more. Instead, aim to love and pursue better.”

Most spouses are overwhelmed at any suggestion that they are not doing, loving, or pursuing enough. If that’s you, this is meant to be an encouragement: Stop trying to love and pursue more. Instead, aim to love and pursue better. We’re in need of a love like the one the apostle Paul prays for in Philippians 1:9: a love abounding “with knowledge and all discernment.” The call is not merely to love more, but to love in better, wiser, more discerning ways. If there is any earthly relationship that should model this kind of love to the world, surely it’s the marriage covenant.

With each passing year, we can love our spouses with an ever-increasing knowledge of who they are. This results in spouses who are consistently learning, and then seeking to love each other in light of what they’ve learned. These are thoughts that truly count.

Love in an Understanding Way

Again, this vision to love and pursue in light of what you have learned about your spouse is explicitly given to husbands: “Live with your wives in an understanding way” (1 Peter 3:7). Husbands, live with your wives. This is not a distant or passive word. Peter is calling husbands to be present in the home with their eyes and mind and heart open — like a student sitting in the front row, fully present and eager to learn about this beautiful gift called “wife.”

The word understanding in verse 7 is literally “according to knowledge.” Most husbands actually do love their wives according to knowledge; unfortunately, it’s a knowledge of ourselves and not of them. Julia and I now laugh at the many times I was baffled when a pursuit I thought was amazing landed in the exactly opposite way. Looking back, they were indeed amazing pursuits — that is, if I were pursuing myself. Husbands, the kind of love and pursuit in the home that God calls us to simply cannot be accomplished by going through the motions. He’s calling for a genuinely engaged husband who is regularly learning and then loving his wife in light of what he learns.

While Peter focuses here on husbands, and while the weight of pursuit rightly and beautifully falls more heavily on husbands, who imitate the Christ who laid down his life for the church, the practical principle is a good one for wives too. It’s hard to overstate the blessing that can result when both husband and wife seek to bless each other in ways that land as pleasant — when we, as spouses, “outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10).

Loving Different People Differently

As with all aspects of the Christian life, Jesus models loving others according to an accurate knowledge of who they are. Jesus consistently engages needy people in unique and personal ways. Following the death of their brother Lazarus, Mary and Martha both have an encounter with Jesus. It’s interesting to note that while the sisters say the same words to him initially — “If you had been here, my brother would not have died” (John 11:21, 32) — Jesus responds to each differently.

He immediately comforts Martha with truth: “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die” (John 11:25–26). Jesus then asks her, “Do you believe this?” inviting her to lean on this truth. His words gave Martha a place to stand in her heartache, and it seems to have landed as pleasant to her.

Moments later, when Mary speaks the same words, we might expect Jesus to respond the same way he did to Martha. Instead, he allows her space to weep. After they show him Lazarus’s tomb, he weeps as well (John 11:35). Two women in the same devastating circumstances at the same moment, and yet Jesus engages them differently — because they were different.

Now, neither of these is in the context of marriage, but the interactions paint a picture of what it looks like to pursue in an understanding way — in a way that lands. These are thoughts that count: intentional, sacrificial initiative shaped by insights into who this particular person is.

Every Marriage Grows and Changes

What benefits come when we begin loving in an understanding way? For starters, as the marriage gets older, it will never get old. The joy of learning does not end. The future years will bring limitless opportunities to understand our spouse better.

“With each passing year, we can love our spouses with an ever-increasing knowledge of who they are.”

It doesn’t take long in marriage before you begin to discover that with each passing age and life stage, the ways we feel loved will often change. Julia used to love it when I would surprise her with a late-night date to see the newest movie. Now, twenty years and five kids later, taking her to a late movie is essentially an expensive nap in uncomfortable clothes. But you know what? I have learned that she loves when I immediately help clean up after dinner so that we can take a walk in the neighborhood, holding hands and talking about our day. For my wife, that’s a pursuit that lands.

Over the years, we have experienced how toxic it can be when we belittle one another based on our differences in design and desires. It was common for us to make the other person feel like differences were actually deficiencies (sadly, we often thought they were). This all began to change as we committed to learn each other’s unique design and desires, and attempt to love in light of what we learned.

Julia learned that taking the time to write an encouraging note and stick it to the bathroom mirror is a pursuit that lands as pleasant to me. I, on the other hand, learned that taking the time to actually clean the mirror is a pursuit that lands as pleasant to her. We found so much joy and peace when we began to celebrate who each other is, before complaining about who each other is not. Over time, these are the thoughts that count.

Learning Each Other for Life

While spouses often feel an initial wave of excitement as they embrace this kind of informed pursuit, a word of caution is wise. This commitment can be made in an instant, but the real impact will not happen overnight. The process of learning who your spouse is, and loving in light of what you learn, will take time — and a willingness to make (and receive) a lot of mistakes along the way.

Julia and I just entered our third decade of marriage, and, by God’s grace, we both joyfully remain students at heart, eager to learn and then love in light of what we learn. We have gained so many individual and informed thoughts about each other (and our kids!), and trust me when I say, those thoughts have really counted.