Audio Transcript

One of the most common families of questions we have received relates to the topic of what it means to have a genuine relationship with God. How do you get one? How do you keep one? And of course, that line of thinking will eventually lead you to a big hurdle: Why does God sometimes withdraw his presence from us? Why? How? And how does that work? That’s the question next time.

Today we have a question about how to find this authentic relationship to begin with. It’s a question troubling a woman named Elina. “Pastor John, hello to you,” she writes. “I write with a heavy heart. I have recently concluded that I treat the Bible as literature and treat Christianity as a social culture. Meaning, I study both from an outsider’s perspective, lacking personal conviction. I do think the Bible is true, but I haven’t experienced a close or personal relationship with Christ at all. It feels wrong and dishonest to describe my faith as walking with Christ when I so rarely feel God’s presence. How do I move from what feels like being an outsider to the faith to becoming a genuine Christian believer?”

O Elina, God has a thousand ways to bring you to himself in the kind of experience you long for. And unless I am badly mistaken, I think every one of those thousand ways would involve, one way or the other, God’s word portraying for you some particular greatness or beauty or value of God and what he’s done for you in Jesus Christ. So, what I’m going to do in these few minutes is pray that God would touch your heart with his word as I simply tell you some of my favorite promises that give glimpses into what God and his Son are like. Faith comes by hearing, and my prayer is that your faith will be awakened to the kind of authenticity that you long for, by hearing.

I may not feel as outside Christianity as you do right now, but I do feel the danger of that tendency in me. These are some of the promises God has used to keep me from drifting away. If they had that function for me, to keep me, perhaps God may use them to draw you back, or perhaps for the first time, into what you long for. So, here we go. I think I have seven glimpses of God for you.

1. He did not spare his Son.

I think the most foundational promise in the Bible is Romans 8:32: “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him [freely] give us all things?” Which means, if God has done the hardest thing for us (sacrifice his most precious Son), then the thousand acts of help that we need in life and death are easy for him to do. If he did the hardest thing for us, he will most certainly do the easy things, which is everything we need. So, we trust him with our lives.

2. He secured every promise.

This means that if the death of Christ guarantees God’s thousandfold blessings forever, we can understand why Paul said in 2 Corinthians 1:20, “All the promises of God find their Yes in [Christ]. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory.” Christ paid with his lifeblood for every promise in the Bible for his people. Every promise is bought by Jesus for those who are in Christ. Every one of them belongs to us as we are in Christ. And we are in Christ if we receive and treasure him and hold fast to him as just that: the Savior who secures every promise for sinners like us who trust him. Amazing! Every promise is secured by the blood of Jesus.

3. He will uphold us.

Oh, how many hundreds and hundreds of times I have entered a situation that felt hopeless and impossible (or just scary and awkward), and as I entered I preached to myself these words from Isaiah 41:10: “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Elina, when I combine those words, Isaiah 41:10 with 2 Corinthians 1:20 (that every promise is Yes in Christ), I hear the very voice of God, and you can too. I hear the very voice of God speaking to me in those words: “John Piper, I, almighty God, Creator of heaven and earth, I am with you. I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you.” And oh, how precious, how delicious are those personal words of God Almighty, spoken directly to me in my unworthiness.

They are words bought — that’s why I can have them — with the blood of Jesus for an unworthy John Piper, and they can be yours, Elina. For it is almost beyond imagination that the Creator of the universe, infinite in holiness, in transcendent purity, could actually rejoice over doing me good.

4. He will rejoice to do us good.

Listen to this new-covenant, which means blood-bought, promise in Jeremiah 32:40–41: “I will not turn away from [you to do you] good. . . . [And] I will rejoice” over you, John Piper, Elina — “[to do you] good . . . with all my heart and all my soul,” says the Lord. Let that be personal and breathtaking. It really is life-changing to let it be personal, God speaking to his child, the one who receives his Son. That’s what he said in John 1:12 — whoever receives the Son, he gives power “to become children of God.” To those who become the children of God through receiving the Son, he is saying, “I’ll always do you good. I will never stop doing you good. And when I do that good to you, it will be because I like to. I want to. It makes me glad to do you good. It is my joy to do you good.”

5. He will keep us.

One of those good things he will do for us is keep us, hold onto us. “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand” (John 10:27–29). The older I get, the more precious is God’s promise to keep me. I love the song, “He will hold me fast. He will hold me fast, for my Savior loves me so. He will hold me fast.”

“The older I get, the more precious is God’s promise to keep me.”

Isn’t it amazing that the most lavish doxology in the Bible is a celebration of the truth that God holds his people fast? “Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen” (Jude 24–25). That is the greatest doxology, and all of it is a celebration that he keeps us. He holds onto us. He won’t let us go once he has taken hold of us and we’re in his hand. He welcomes you to that, Elina. He welcomes you. He invites you into that.

6. He has destined us for Jesus.

Another promise that becomes increasingly precious with age is 1 Thessalonians 5:9–10. When I put my head on the pillow at night as an old man (79 now), I know that the probabilities that I might die in my sleep are increasing. So, for some years now, I have gone to sleep hundreds of nights with these memorized words in my mind: “God has not destined [you] for wrath,” John Piper. “God has not destined [you] for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for [you] so that whether [you] are awake or asleep, [you will] live with [Jesus]” (1 Thessalonians 5:9–10). “Wake or sleep” in this context means “live or die.” So, I am sleeping now, and if I die in my sleep, that will not be wrath. I will be with him. “There is . . . now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1) — nor will there ever be, Elina.

7. He is with us.

Finally, there will never be a moment from now to eternity when I do not have the greatest person in the universe as my friend, who never leaves me and never will. “No longer do I call you [slave] . . . but I have called you [friend]” (John 15:15). “And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20). Not just to the end of the age, but always to the end of the age. Meaning there will never be a moment when my God, my Creator, my Savior, my friend will not be with me. Not one.

Oh, Elina, do you taste this? This is so good. He is so good. Jesus invites you. He sent me in this little podcast with this invitation from the book of Revelation to you: “Let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price” (Revelation 22:17). It’s free, so come on in.

Imagine a family that gathers on Sunday nights for a household meeting. They meet often in other ways throughout the week — for meals, devotions, outings. But on Sunday, the father calls everyone together to review the last week, look ahead to the next, and remember their family identity. The whole family takes part in the meeting, but the father clearly leads.

Now imagine that someone observes this meeting and says, “This father leaves no room for his family’s gifts. Why should he always lead the meeting? If his daughters don’t have a more prominent voice here, then where will they use the gifts God has given them?”

To any healthy family, such a question would seem silly. One of the daughters might well respond, “Where will we use our gifts? In any number of places. I play piano for our family devotions. I help prepare meals for my younger brothers. I put together care bags that our family hands out to the homeless. I mentor a middle-school girl from our church. I may not lead our family meetings, but the meeting is just one part of the family.”

You can probably see where I’m going. Every week, our churches gather to look back, look ahead, and remember our identity in Christ. And God has ordained that qualified men, spiritual fathers, lead these meetings. Now, some visitors may wonder why men hold the microphone most of the time; they may even take offense at that pattern. But the weekly gathering is just one part of the church, and much of the most important ministry happens all week.

Ministry Beyond Sunday

To be sure, in some churches, much of the most important ministry does not happen beyond Sunday. The members rarely meet throughout the week; their gifts lie largely dormant Monday through Saturday; they seldom venture forth on mission. In such a church, the person who holds the microphone matters tremendously because most of the ministry happens there.

But even a moderately healthy church is less like a weekly performance and more like a family. We are “the household of God” (1 Timothy 3:15), a fellowship of spiritual fathers, mothers, brothers, and sisters (1 Timothy 5:1–2), able to “exhort one another every day” because we see one another so often (Hebrews 3:13). Ministry happens not just on Sunday mornings and not just in church buildings: it happens on Tuesday afternoons and Thursday nights in homes and parks and cafés and soup kitchens and neighborhood streets.

I have no wish to downplay the crucial importance of the weekly gathering or the preached word. But like a family meeting, the purpose of a church’s gathering is not simply to do ministry but also to equip and send out for ministry during the rest of the week (Ephesians 4:11–12). On Sunday, the church’s fathers take the lead in calling the whole family — women as much as fellow men — to engage in every-day ministry with the gifts God has given them.

And if we aim to grow up into “the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ,” then we need every gift in full operation (Ephesians 4:13). A church can flourish without the gifts of women no more than a family can flourish without the gifts of women (a fact I appreciate more every time I am left alone for a while with my kids).

Church of Many Members

Nevertheless, even in a healthy church, we can sometimes forget that we are an all-of-life fellowship of fathers, mothers, brothers, and sisters. Sunday morning can seem like the time to do ministry. And so we, both men and women, need help remembering what it might mean to be a church of many members, where ministry belongs to both men and women across all life stages.

To that end, consider four exhortations, two to my sisters in Christ and two to fellow brothers.

1. Dream of your many ministries.

Dear sisters, I know that we pastors sometimes fail to mention the many pivotal ministries beyond Sunday morning. But can I encourage you to dream about the dozens of ways our churches need your gifts beyond the gathering?

“Godly male leadership creates more space (not less) for women to use their gifts.”

The New Testament does not hesitate to mention the many ways God uses women to strengthen his church. It was a woman who prophesied over our infant Lord (Luke 2:36–38), women who funded much of Christ’s ministry (Luke 8:1–3), a woman who likely delivered the greatest letter in the world (Romans 16:1–2), and women whom Paul called “fellow workers” (Philippians 4:3). A woman welcomed Jesus out of the womb; more women welcomed him out of the tomb. The church in Philippi began in a woman’s home (Acts 16:14–15), and other churches went on meeting in women’s homes (Colossians 4:15).

Wherever the church takes root, women are there, watering and tending its young shoots. They counsel the weak and wandering. They tend to the sick and dying. They adopt the orphan, care for the widow, teach fellow sisters and little souls, and build homes where all these and more feel welcome. They pray like Anna, serve like Phoebe, host like Nympha, and minister alongside their husbands like Priscilla.

As John Piper writes, Christian women do not “measure [their] potential by the few roles withheld, but by the countless roles offered.” They “look to the loving God of Scripture and dream about the possibilities of [their] service to him” (What’s the Difference?, 79–80).

2. Mature the men among you.

Some of the ministry opportunities mentioned above are directed exclusively toward other women — and indeed, women can minister to other women in many ways that men cannot (Paul’s instructions in Titus 2:3–5 offer just one example). But let me also assure you that, in some ways, you can minister to men in ways that men cannot.

Paul drops a remarkable statement into his list of greetings in Romans 16: “Greet Rufus, chosen in the Lord; also his mother, who has been a mother to me as well” (verse 13). Paul, the frontier missionary and church planter, the spiritual father of so many believers, found a mother in Rufus’s mother. He doesn’t mention specifics, but in some way, this woman loved him as a mother might — perhaps tending his wounds or offering a place for him to stay or speaking needed words of encouragement (or all of the above).

We might also consider how not only Aquila but also Priscilla “took [Apollos] aside and explained to him the way of God more accurately” (Acts 18:26). As a sister might encourage a younger brother, she came alongside the powerful Apollos and helped him speak even more powerfully.

Rufus’s mother provided something for Paul that Rufus himself could not; likewise, Priscilla offered something crucial to Apollos. These men needed mothers and sisters in Christ — women not trying to act like men but eager to help men act like men.

Sister, you may not believe it, but there are brothers in your life who would stand a little taller by your word of encouragement, who would battle a little bolder at your suggestion. Speak prudently, of course, in ways befitting a sister or mother, but know that you have a role to play in maturing the men around you.

3. Give women’s gifts a home.

Brothers, when Eve awoke in the garden, she found herself paired to a man already on mission. This animal-naming, chaos-taming Adam had been given a charge, and it was a charge large enough that he required help — her help. Immediately, the full breadth of Eve’s womanhood was called forth by this man on mission.

This Edenic pattern offers a principle for us — one that speaks most directly to husbands but also to all the church’s men. The principle is this: in so many cases, godly male leadership creates more space (not less) for women to use their gifts. The women who served as patrons of the twelve (Luke 8:1–3), the women who labored alongside the apostles (Philippians 4:3), the women who hosted gatherings in the early church (Colossians 4:15) — they all found their ministries under the leadership of good men (Jesus, Paul, the church’s elders). The strong men around them called forth their own active help.

I’m not suggesting that women should never begin new ministry ventures themselves; many needs in the church and the world benefit from feminine initiation. But when a church’s men lead in creative, sacrificial ways, many feminine gifts finally find a home.

Brothers, if we rarely take the lead in prayer meetings, missions committees, small-group discussions, music ministries, or other areas of church life, then the sisters among us may find themselves forced to fill in for our passivity — or sit out altogether. How many of our sisters’ stunning gifts will lie dormant and dusty if we fail to lead?

4. Honor the women among you.

Beyond such leadership, one of the best steps we can take as men is to follow Jesus and Paul in gladly honoring the women around us. In Romans 16, Paul did not blush to name nine women among the twenty-six people he greeted, nor was he sparing in his commendations of them: Phoebe was the church’s servant and Paul’s patron; Prisca was a “fellow worker”; Mary “has worked hard for you”; both Tryphaena and Tryphosa are “workers in the Lord”; and as we saw, Rufus’s mother “has been a mother to me as well” (Romans 16:1–3, 6, 12–13).

And surely Paul honored them as he did because of the Lord he followed. In a world that so often discounted and denigrated women, Jesus saw women, conversed with women, dignified women, and rose up to honor the ministry of women in the face of those who ignored or despised it. No one regarded the widow and her two copper coins — but Jesus did (Mark 12:43–44). No one esteemed the astonishing “waste” of perfume poured from loving hands — but Jesus did (Mark 14:6–9). He knew how to honor women.

Do we? If we do, the mothers and sisters in our churches may not care very much who holds the microphone on Sundays. And they may return to their many ministries freshly feeling what they really are: indispensable.

Interview Time Stamps

00:42 — The Puritan as shepherd

06:55 — The Puritan as preacher

10:40 — How long should sermons be?

14:08 — Ripping up men’s consciences

19:33 — Thoughts on sermon application

22:25 — Expository exultation and crucified style

27:40 — Further thoughts on application

33:55 — Reconsidering Puritan application

36:39 — The Westminster Directory of Worship

38:33 — Preparing for the Lord’s Day

You are not answering my prayers, I repeated, a scowl in my voice that sounded more murderer than missionary.

My arms were about to give out after fifteen hours of flying with my double-ear-infection infant, whose screams drew every eye toward me, either in pity or loathing. My hands still reeked of my six-year-old’s vomit, which I had caught an hour earlier. My husband might have given me a break if he weren’t in the bathroom scrubbing his pants after our toddler’s diaper leaked brown everywhere. The stink polluted economy class, as if the sounds we contributed weren’t offensive enough.

It wasn’t our first rodeo traveling halfway around the world like beetles flipped on our backs. Our international travels form an ugly scrapbook of mishaps, with photos of feverish kids trying to sleep on airport carpet. I thought this time around would be different. How could it not be? Hundreds of people were praying. I imagined the golden bowls in heaven swirling with the incense of our friends’ and family’s prayers (Revelation 5:8). Surely, Jesus inhaled it with pleasure. The slightest wink or grin from my Father’s sunny face could keep our children at 98.6 degrees, their bodily fluids internal, and our plane punctual.

Where were those hundreds of prayers now? Had God misplaced them like a set of keys or muted them like an obnoxious ad? The Lord’s “no” stabbed like the throbbing inside my infant’s ears.

Praying While Weatherworn

This story isn’t special. Every one of us has extended a precious prayer and received what feels like a hailstorm in return. Or if not a hailstorm, maybe the cold silence of space. We are disturbed. What does this mean? How can we risk asking again, with its emotional toll? Are our longings safe with God? Can we receive the Lord’s “no” while reclining all the heavier against his chest, or should we question the safety of his embrace?

If only bad travel were the worst of it. Perhaps the Lord’s “no” grows fangs when your child stays sick, your marriage breaks, or cars collide. What happens when, after years of living desperately on your knees, the prodigal doesn’t return, mental illness gains momentum, or progress fighting besetting sin has little praise to report? We may ask, like Joni Eareckson Tada, “Who is this God I thought I knew? Who is this God who bids us crawl over broken glass just for the pleasure of his company?” (When God Weeps, 78).

Let’s zoom out and take a breath. Our disappointment with God can shrink our world. Without realizing it, we’re the horse with blinders, the scientist glued to his microscope, the painter shading in a nose’s shadow — so fixated on a part that we forget the whole. Just as we break from the office for a walk in the woods, we need the fresh air of a wider perspective.

“Can we receive the Lord’s ‘no’ while reclining all the heavier against his chest?”

Stepping back does not dismiss the painful mysteries of unanswered prayer and disappointment with God. When we look outside our experience, we are not forgetting or minimizing. We are saying, “I’m drowning, and I need a rock to hold onto. This one, gut-wrenching experience is sand I cannot stand on. Give me a place to put my feet.”

Thankfully, some thousands of years ago, King David turned the same cries into Psalm 69.

No Match for Majesty

He begins by saying, “Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold” (Psalm 69:1–2). Counselors advise paying special attention to the word-pictures people use to describe themselves. But it doesn’t take a professional to see that David’s drowning language means he’s not feeling too hot.

David is overwhelmed by sorrow. He’s brokenhearted, ashamed, and afflicted. He laments, “More in number than the hairs on my head are those who hate me without cause” (verse 4). Is there a friend to be found for David? Perhaps the loneliness would have been tolerable if the Lord had spoken up sooner. Instead, David admits, “I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God” (verse 3).

But as we read on, we watch David leave the cubicle for somewhere greener. He rightly speaks his hurts and complaints — to a point. Honesty is God’s prescription for prayer, but if David stopped at his life-and-death feelings, it would make for little more than a juicy coffee date. The magic happens when he sets aside mystery for majesty.

The majesty of a God who plucks us from the sea of our circumstances by his “saving faithfulness” (verse 13). The majesty of a God whose love does not flicker like a tired lightbulb but shines steadfastly (verse 16). The majesty of his abundant mercy, heaped up and spilling over like plates at Thanksgiving dinner (verse 16). Majesty of such magnitude that his imprisoned people revive and sing (verse 32).

Majesty louder than man’s contempt (verse 12) and available to the sackcloth-clad (verse 11). Majesty that transforms lone-rider men and women into decisive followers, those who can say in seasons of hailstorm and silence, “But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord” (verse 13). David is like the mountain climber motivated by the view from the top, only the panorama David is after holds the majesty of Zion (verse 35).

If majesty is heavyweight our world, we will make songs in the muck like David (verse 30). We will learn to give thanks while friendless and think of the precious reality ahead more than the presently disappointing one (verse 35). When our circumstances scream, “God is absent,” our prayers will reflect the confidence that “the Lord hears the needy” (verse 33).

Jesus Sang It Better

David prays this way, but so does Jesus. David may have felt like his old friends were now offering him poison for food and sour wine for drink (Psalm 69:21), but Jesus literally put his lips to a sour sponge on the cross (Matthew 27:34). Matthew Henry connects Christ to Psalm 69: “His throat is dried, but his heart is not; his eyes fail, but his faith does not. Thus our Lord Jesus, on the cross, cried out, Why hast thou forsaken me? Yet, at the same time, he kept hold of his relation to him: my God, my God.”

David sings Psalm 69 well, but Jesus sings it better. For Christ’s words rang out even as the world went black, with hell’s fury before him and a rag stuffed down his throat. David felt underwater, but Jesus suffocated and drowned. While we are continually with the Lord (Psalm 73:23), Jesus was the Lamb left to the wolves. If Jesus trusted God there, can we not trust him here?

Here — in the majesty of a love that, as the old hymn says, is “vast, unmeasured, boundless, free, rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me” (“O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus”). Those who swim in that ocean endure hailstorms and silence without turning to stone. They may wince at their ugly travel scrapbook, but they count on a last page that glitters. Their hearts are soft, their prayers frequent, their requests risky. Instead of withdrawing at the Lord’s “no,” they pray all the more, knowing George Herbert to be right when he calls prayer the “soul’s blood” and the “church’s banquet.”

When the mysteries of life are rightly ordered by the majesty of God, we sing like Jesus, David, and all the saints resting in “the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1).

Audio Transcript

Authenticity is the theme of the week here on the podcast. On Monday, we heard from Mark, who struggled to reconcile how Jesus’s life and death could have been fully scripted out by God, fully acted out by Christ, and all be authentically lived out by Christ. It was a really interesting discussion to start the week.

But today we look at our own authentic living, living authentically with our affections. It’s a topic on the table because we read Romans 12:9–13 together today. Here’s the question it inspired in a young man, a 23-year-old listener named Francisco who lives in Mexico City.

“Pastor John, hello to you! I desperately want to be the type of man who exhibits Romans 12:9–13 in his life. ‘Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.’ I have sought to make this the mantra of my life for the next year. There’s a lot here to digest. As you read this text, what stands out to you? Are there any keys in here that you would see to help me live out such a godly life, not from duty, but from a genuine affection inside of me?”

Oh yes, there are some things in this text that I think are going to be very helpful. At least, they help me. I think they are designed by God to help all of us live the Christian life. And I love this question, Francisco (and greetings to Mexico City). I love this question because it gives me a chance to say some things about living the Christian life, things in this text that I think are broadly relevant to virtually everybody, not just you.

The list of thirteen commands in Romans 12:9–13, thirteen short commands, presents us with the very common question of how to go about obeying commands (thirteen commands) in a Christian way — a Christian way, not to earn salvation and not to fall into lawlessness and say, “Oh, commands don’t matter. It’s all grace. You don’t need to do anything.” Between those two mistakes, there’s a way to live the Christian life. So, that’s what I want to think about from Romans 12.

Affectional, Impossible Change

The first thing I notice is that six of these thirteen commands are directed straight to the affections, the emotions, the feelings, the heart — not to bodily action first. Don’t do something first, but rather, go straight to your heart. “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil. . . . Love . . . with brotherly affection. . . . Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit. . . . Rejoice in hope” (Romans 12:9–12). And the other seven are really specific ways to love.

Romans 12:8, the verse just before this paragraph, says that such merciful service, all these seven ways of loving, are to be done with cheerfulness. “[Let] the one who does acts of mercy [do them] with cheerfulness,” which is an affection and emotion. In effect, all these commands, every one of them, involve the heart, the affections, the desires. Paul is not commanding outward behavior that comes from a wrong kind of heart. He’s not interested in that. That’s why that first word is, “Let love be genuine” (Romans 12:9). And really, the word is anypokritos. You can even see it in English: an-hypokritos — not hypocritical. Let love not be hypocritical.

“This is the transforming power of the mercies of God. They take away fear.”

I hate sham love. In other words, I don’t like outward behavior that looks Christian but isn’t coming from a new heart. He never says just, “Serve,” but “Rejoice to serve.” He doesn’t say just, “Avoid evil”; he says, “Abhor evil.” He doesn’t say just, “Know about hopeful promises”; he says, “Rejoice in hope.” He doesn’t just say to Christians that they should love others; he says, “Love with brotherly affection.” These are just stunning commands, straight to our emotions, our affections, our heart.

One reason it’s crucial to see the necessity of changed feelings is that it confronts us with the impossibility of doing this without God’s supernatural power. That’s one of the points. You can put on a show at church, right? You can make yourself smile. You can make yourself sing. You can make yourself do stuff. But you cannot make yourself abhor what you don’t abhor, or love what you don’t love, or rejoice in what you don’t rejoice in. You can’t do it. So, these commands confront us with the impossibility of doing them without God’s supernatural help. By commanding our emotions, Paul is signaling that we must have a profound change from the inside out.

So, the way to pursue obedience to these commands, Francisco, is this: indirectly, we have to pursue a new heart, a new set of desires, a new constellation of preferences. That’s the work of God through his word, by the Spirit.

Preparing to Approve

This takes us back to the beginning of the chapter, because Paul knows what he’s going to do here, and he’s helping us prepare our lives to do it. Chapter 12 starts like this: “I appeal to you therefore” — and we’ll come back to that therefore — “brothers, by the mercies of God.” So, I’m appealing to you, in all these commands, “by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, [so that you approve] what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect” (Romans 12:1–2).

That word “approve” (dokimazō) means more than “test and discern,” the way it’s translated in the ESV. It means “test and discern and approve.” It’s not just a mental calculation. It’s a heart evaluation. Paul is saying, “Be transformed with a renewed mind such that your mind and heart assess, evaluate, prioritize, and feel things differently — and approve of different things than the world does. Don’t be conformed to this age. Be deeply changed. Have new preferences. Approve and disapprove of different things than the world does, and which you once did.”

Romans 12:1 gives the key to how that happens: “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God . . .” Don’t be conformed to the world. Be transformed. That is, be amazed and humbled and happy and empowered by the unspeakable mercies of God toward you in your unworthiness. Be so amazed, so humbled, so happy, so empowered that you are transformed with a mind and heart that have new affections, new desires, new preferences, new approvings and disapprovings.

Transforming Mercies

Then we notice the therefore. The whole section of Romans 12–15 begins with therefore — meaning, on the basis of Romans 1–11. “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God” (Romans 12:1). That word therefore signals that Paul is saying to us, as we consider his several dozen commands in chapter 12, “Go back now. Go back now and review eleven chapters of God’s stunning mercies to you. Go back! Review God’s stunning mercies to you.”

Why does he make that connection? Because the way we are transformed is by seeing the greatness of the glory of the mercies of God toward us in our hopeless sinful condition. Romans 6:6: “Our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing.” It’s the truth of what happened to us in Christ that does away with our old affections of sin. Or in Romans 6:14: “Sin will have no dominion over you” — that means chapter 12 is going to come true for you — “since you are not under law but under grace.” You’re under these mercies of God that are laid out in chapters 1–11. Or Romans 8:3–4: “By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.”

So, when Paul says in Romans 12:12, “Rejoice in hope,” what is he referring to? He’s referring to the great Romans 8: “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died” (Romans 8:32–34). In other words, nobody can separate us from the love of Christ or the love of God. These chapters 1–11 are the mercies of Romans 12:1: “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God,” be transformed before you try to put on a show of outward godliness.

This is the transforming power of the mercies of God. They take away fear. They take away craving greed for the world. They take away craving for revenge. They make us deeply confident and happy in the care of God. And that changes everything.

Become What You Are

The thirteen commands of Romans 12:9–13 describe who we are — not just who we ought to be but really who we have become in the mercies of God, as we die with Christ and rise with Christ and are indwelt by the Spirit. “Become what you are,” Paul says several times in his letters. And 2 Corinthians 3:18 puts it like this: “Beholding the glory of the Lord” — that is, in this case, the glory of these precious mercies. Beholding these mercies, “[we] are being transformed . . . from one degree of glory to another.”

So, Francisco, the key to obeying these commands in Romans 12 is to come at them indirectly through the doorway of Romans 12:1–2, and through all the glorious mercies of God in chapters 1–11. Immerse yourself in these. Let these be your treasure. God will transform you into the kind of person that can gladly obey these verses in chapter 12 from your heart.

Four decades ago, when I got married, I asked to have the words “and to obey” removed from my wedding vows: “for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey . . .” As a female executive and partner in an advertising agency, my egalitarian instincts ran deep. I was a Christian, and I also wholeheartedly believed a woman could and should hold any position a man might if she were able. It hadn’t occurred to me that some callings might have been designed by God for men and others for women. It felt normal to be part of a church with women in pastoral and other leadership positions. Submitting as a woman seemed like an old-fashioned idea.

Today, however, I joyfully embrace the biblical vision of sexual complementarity. I am living proof that a wife can change from being offended at the very word submit to celebrating the beauty of God’s plan for men and women, husbands and wives. I want to offer my story as an encouragement to men whose wives have not yet seen the beauty and the kindness of the Lord in assigning them the calling to follow and support a godly man.

So, what happened? And how did my husband help me to change?

Revolution by Revelation

In embracing biblical femininity, I clearly did not take my cues from our society. The world we live in today has moved radically to deny the differences between men and women. It scoffs at the idea that God might have created men for greater authority and responsibility and accountability. Even some evangelicals deny male headship.

The mainline Protestant church I attended certainly did. We had women in leadership at every level. Yet by God’s grace, that’s where my change began.

The church appointed me as the lay leader of the congregation, the highest role a layperson could hold, and they chose me over — wait for it — my own husband. Our pastor had put my husband’s name before the committee, and when an objection was raised against him, they selected me.

This appointment cast a dark shadow over our marriage. Both my husband and I felt something was deeply wrong. Eventually, we left that egalitarian church (and all the controversy that boiled in that denomination) and found a wonderful church that preached through the Bible line by line. My husband and I fell in love with Scripture, including God’s good design for men and women. And my understanding changed as I grew to see God’s good plan.

This new church was led by a team of good, kind, godly men. These pastors believed God. They believed he had designed men and women differently and had assigned men primary leadership responsibility. They knew their Bibles and demonstrated godly character. They led, taught, shepherded, and counseled courageously. There was a palpable sense of God’s power that seemed to flow through the obedience of these men. Under their care, I felt such a tremendous sense of relief. My husband did too.

Our souls flourished. Our church life flourished. Our marriage flourished. And 26 years later, God’s design continues to feel more and more right.

The Man of My Change

In telling my story of change, my particular burden is to encourage godly men whose wives are still captured by the siren song of feminism. The call for women to claim their “rights” and not be denied the opportunity to use their gifts any way they desire is loud and alluring. The propaganda hides the pride at the root of this demand. Like Eve, some women believe the lie that God (through men) has denied her something she is entitled to. Did God really say . . . ? In misunderstanding, women have missed the beautiful, privileged calling God has assigned to us.

God was kind to take my husband and me along the road to understanding and embracing his plan together, but I know that is not true for everyone. To faithful husbands with wives who won’t follow, I say there is hope. Do not lose heart. I was once a woman like your wife, and God used my husband to help change me. So, allow me to share five things I saw God doing in my husband that helped me to embrace my biblical calling.

1. He walked more closely with Jesus.

Even more than your calling as husband, you are first a man of God. God calls you to be transformed day by day as you walk with Christ (1 John 2:6; Ephesians 5:1–2). When this is your aim, Christ will help you lead with his strength. The teaching we were receiving in our new church inspired my husband to spend more time in the word, to be more involved in friendships with other godly men, and, gradually, to be more convicted by and repentant of his own sin. When we were praying together, he would often confess in ways that melted my heart. I could see God’s hand working in him, and it touched me deeply.

What does Paul pray unceasingly for the Colossian church? That they “may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God” (Colossians 1:9–10). This is what God wants for all Christians: walk well, bear fruit, know God. If you are faithful in this, you will bless your marriage and be an example for your wife.

2. He became a more godly man.

You may be tempted to focus on changing your wife, but only God can change her heart. God can use you, however. A good place to begin is by being the kind of man your wife will respect.

“Like Eve, some women believe the lie that God (through men) has denied her something she is entitled to.”

If you “walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:1–2); if you are “tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32); if your love is patient and kind, if it doesn’t boast, if it isn’t arrogant or rude, if you don’t insist on your own way, and if you are not irritable or resentful (1 Corinthians 13:4–5); if you keep your word, letting your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no (James 5:12); if you strive to display these qualities and bear the fruit of the Spirit, you will create a climate in your home that God may use to soften the heart of your wife. I saw more of all of these qualities emerging in my husband as we grew in right understanding of God’s word. (It also doesn’t hurt that my husband has a great sense of humor and can apply it to his own faults and in his correction of me.)

Of course, God calls your wife to embrace these qualities too, but don’t worry about her for now. Are you striving to be a godly man? If so, wait and see what God will do. My husband’s example still blesses me and stirs in me a desire to be a better woman.

3. He heartily embraced God’s call to husbands.

In God’s kindness, the first Sunday school class my husband and I attended in our new church was on Ephesians 5:22–33. That class deeply convicted my husband about his responsibility to strive to present me before Christ without spot or wrinkle.

What did Ephesians 5:26 tell him to do? Wash her in the word! He has been washing me in the word nearly every morning since. Are you washing your wife in the word? Are you reading Scripture together and talking about what you see? Are you eager to tell her something you read in the Bible that encouraged you and might encourage her? Are you bathing her with gospel truth when she is discouraged? Do you want to cherish and nourish her as much as you cherish and nourish yourself? Are you in a church that preaches God’s word faithfully, even the most challenging portions?

If your wife embraces egalitarianism, immersing yourself and her in God’s word may help her see God as loving and trustworthy and his plans as glorious — including his plans for husbands and wives.

4. He showed patience.

We all struggle with patience, that difficult fruit of the Spirit, but trusting God’s timing is so good. Does your desire for your wife accord with God’s plan? Then trust that he is working, even when you can’t see it happening. We were in that egalitarian church for eighteen years, and I served as lay leader for several years, and you know what? God was working throughout that whole time. I am still naturally strong-willed and sometimes struggle with speaking before carefully thinking and praying, and most of the time my husband remains patient. I am so grateful!

“With patience a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue will break a bone” (Proverbs 25:15). If patience can persuade a ruler, then it can certainly persuade a mistaken wife.

5. He prayed for me.

One of the ways God has transformed my heart is by revealing more and more of the incredible power of prayer. My husband prays with me and for me nearly every day in our devotional time. Nearly every day, he thanks God for the gift of being married to me! Do you pray fully confident that God hears and has the power to change your wife’s heart? Dear reader, pray scriptural truth boldly for yourself and your wife. Pray for God to help you be the man and husband he calls you to be. Pray for God to bless your wife and cause her faith to flourish.

More privately, pray for God to help your wife’s love for Christ and her respect for you to grow. Pray for God to soften your wife’s heart so she can see his beautiful plan for men and women. Pray for God to strengthen your faith and help you believe he can do all these things and more. Because he can.

God’s plans for men and women are truly glorious. Husbands and wives will never be satisfied until we align our will with God’s and live the way he intended. Husbands, lead your wives in a way that displays the glorious plan of God. This is his will for you and your marriage. Do your part with joy and faith, and leave the results to him. If your wife doesn’t change, remain godly and faithful anyway. No matter what your wife chooses to do, God’s will for you remains.

And do not give up. “Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him” (James 1:12).

J.I. Packer wrote,

[John Owen] is by common consent not the most versatile, but the greatest among Puritan theologians. For solidity, profundity, massiveness and majesty in exhibiting from Scripture God’s ways with sinful mankind there is no one to touch him. (A Quest for Godliness, 81)

In an age of giants, he overtopped them all. (191)

The first volume of Owen’s collected works contains three major essays on the glory of Christ, which is my theme in this message. He wrote A Declaration of the Glorious Mystery of the Person of Christ, Meditations and Discourses on the Glory of Christ, Meditations and Discourses Concerning the Glory of Christ, Applied. No other works have increased my understanding and admiration of the glory of Christ more than these, with the possible exception of Jonathan Edwards’s sermon “The Excellency of Christ.”

So, as we focus together on the glory of Christ, the music playing in the background of my mind will be the music of John Owen. And every now and then, I’ll let you hear some of its remarkable strains.

Seeing Glory, Being Glorious

I share Owen’s conviction that the more clearly we see and savor the glory of Christ, the more freedom we will enjoy from the power of temptation. He based this largely on 2 Corinthians 3:18: “Beholding the glory of the Lord, [we] are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.” Owen said,

Herein would I live [in beholding the glory of Christ], hereon would I dwell in my thoughts and affections, to the withering and consumption of all the painted beauties of this world, unto the crucifying all things here below, until they become unto me a dead and deformed thing, no way meet for affectionate embraces. (The Works of John Owen, 1:291)

In other words, the path of holiness is achieved by having such clear views of the superior beauties of Christ that lesser sinful attractions wither and die. Owen was always combining the highest views of Christ with practical holiness. “No man,” he said, “can by faith take a real view of [Christ’s] glory, but virtue will proceed from it in a transforming power to change him into the same image” (Works, 1:292).

I have a picture in my mind of the glory of Christ like the sun at the center of the solar system of your life. The massive sun — 333,000 times the mass of the earth — holds all the planets in orbit, even little Pluto, which is 3.6 billion miles away. And so it is with the glory of Christ in your life. All the planets of your life — your sexuality and desires, your commitments and beliefs, your aspirations and dreams, your attitudes and convictions, your habits and disciplines, your solitude and relationships, your labor and leisure, your thinking and feeling — are held in proper orbit by the greatness and gravity and blazing brightness of the glory of Christ at the center of your life. And if he ceases to be the bright, blazing, satisfying beauty at the center of your life, the planets will fly into confusion, a hundred things will be out of control, and sooner or later they will crash into destruction.

We were made to know and enjoy Christ as he really is. We were created to comprehend — as much as a creature can — the glory of Christ. And this comprehending, this knowing, is not the knowing of disinterested awareness, but the knowing of admiration and wonder and awe and intimacy and ecstasy and embrace.

“If there is anything worthy of praise anywhere in the universe, it is summed up supremely in Jesus Christ.”

We were made to see and savor, with everlasting satisfaction, the glory of Christ. Jesus prayed for this in John 17:24: “Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory.” Owen said, “Such a manifestation of his glory unto his disciples doth the Lord Christ here desire, as might fill them with blessed satisfaction for evermore” (Works, 1:286). We were made for this “blessed satisfaction.” It is precisely the power of this superior satisfaction in the glory of Christ that severs the root of sin.

Immensity of Christ’s Glory

My prayer for this conference, and for all of you one by one, is that you will see and savor the glory of Christ — married or single, male or female, old or young, devastated by disordered desires or walking in a measure of holiness — that all of you will behold and embrace the glory of Christ as the blazing sun at the center of your life, and that the planets of all your desires will orbit in their proper place. Oh, that the risen, living Christ would come to us (even now) by his Spirit and through his word and reveal to us his glory!

The glory of his deity, equal with God the Father in all his attributes — the radiance of his glory and the exact imprint of his nature, infinite, boundless in all his excellencies
The glory of his eternality that makes the mind of man explode with the unsearchable thought that Christ never had a beginning, but simply always was — sheer, absolute reality while all the universe is fragile, contingent, like a shadow by comparison to his all-defining, ever-existing substance
The glory of his never-changing constancy in all his virtues and all his character and all his commitments — the same yesterday, today, and forever
The glory of his knowledge that makes the Library of Congress and the British Library look like little matchboxes, and makes all the information on the Internet look like a little 1940s farmers’ almanac, and makes quantum physics seem like a first-grade reader
The glory of his wisdom that has never been perplexed by any complication and can never be counseled by the wisest of men
The glory of his authority over heaven and earth and hell, without whose permission no man and no demon can move one inch — who changes times and seasons, removes kings and sets up kings, who does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth, so none can stay his hand or say to him, “What have you done?”
The glory of his providence, without which not a single bird falls to the ground in the farthest reaches of the Amazon forest, or a single hair of any head turns black or white
The glory of his word that moment by moment upholds the universe and holds in being all the molecules and atoms and subatomic particles we have never yet dreamed of
The glory of his power to walk on water, cleanse lepers, heal the lame, open the eyes of the blind, cause the deaf to hear and storms to cease and the dead to rise — with a single word, or even a thought
The glory of his purity never to sin or to have one millisecond of a bad attitude or an evil, lustful thought
The glory of his trustworthiness never to break his word or let one promise fall to the ground
The glory of his justice to render in due time all moral accounts in the universe, settled either on the cross or in hell
The glory of his patience to endure our dullness decade after decade and to hold back his final judgment on this world, that many might repent
The glory of his sovereign, servant obedience to keep his Father’s commandments perfectly and then embrace the excruciating pain of the cross willingly
The glory of his meekness and lowliness and tenderness that will not break a bruised reed or quench a smoldering wick
The glory of his wrath that will one day explode against this world with such fierceness that people will call out for the rocks and the mountains to crush them rather than face the wrath of the Lamb
The glory of his grace that gives life to spiritually dead rebels and awakens faith in hell-bound haters of God and justifies the ungodly with his own righteousness
The glory of his love that willingly dies for us even while we were sinners, and frees us for the ever-increasing joy of making much of him forever
The glory of his own inexhaustible gladness in the fellowship of the Trinity, the infinite power and energy that gave rise to all the universe and will one day be the inheritance of every struggling saint, when he says, “Enter into the joy of your master.”

Knowing the Incomprehensible Christ

If he should grant us to know him like this, it would be but the outskirts of his glory. Time would fail to speak of the glory of his severity, invincibility, dignity, simplicity, complexity, resoluteness, calmness, depth, and courage. If there is anything admirable, if there is anything worthy of praise anywhere in the universe, it is summed up supremely in Jesus Christ. He is supremely glorious in every admirable way over everything:

Over galaxies and endless reaches of space
Over the earth, from the top of Mount Everest (29,000 feet up) to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean (36,000 feet down into the Mariana Trench)
Over all plants and animals, from the peaceful blue whale to the microscopic killer viruses
Over all weather and movements of the earth: hurricanes, tornadoes, monsoons, earthquakes, avalanches, floods, snow, rain, sleet
Over all chemical processes that heal and destroy: cancer, AIDS, malaria, flu, and all the workings of antibiotics and a thousand healing medicines.
Over all countries and all governments and all armies
Over the Taliban and Al Qaeda and ISIS and Hamas and Hezbollah and all terrorists and kidnappings and suicide bombings and mass murders
Over Putin, Zelensky, Trump, Xi Jinping, and Netanyahu
Over all nuclear threats from Iran or Russia or North Korea or America
Over all politics and elections
Over all media and news and entertainment and sports and leisure
Over all education and universities and scholarship and science and research
Over all business and finance and industry and manufacturing and transportation
Over all the Internet and information systems and artificial intelligence

And though it may not seem so now, it is only a matter of time until he is revealed from heaven in flaming fire to give relief to those who trust him and righteous vengeance on those who don’t.

Ask, Seek, Knock, Behold

Oh, that the almighty God would help us see and savor the glory of his Son. Give yourself to this. Study this. Cultivate this passion. Eat and drink and sleep this quest to know the glory of Christ. Pray for God to show you these things in his word. Owen said that the main motive for contending for the Scriptures and resisting those who would take them from us is “that they would take from us the only glass wherein we may behold the glory of Christ” (Works, 1:316). Swim in the ocean of the Bible every day. And with all you’re getting — whatever it takes — get the all-satisfying glory of Christ at the center of your life.

“The deepest cure to our pitiful addictions is to be staggered by the infinite, all-satisfying glory of Christ.”

This is the blazing sun at the center of your solar system, holding the planet of mental health, family life, vocation, ministry, and sexuality in sacred orbit. This is the ballast at the bottom of your little boat, keeping it from being capsized by the waves of temptation. This is the foundation that holds up the building of your life. Without this — without knowing and embracing the glory of Christ — the planets fly apart, the waves overwhelm, and the building will one day fall.

Obstacles to Our Enjoyment

So, what stands in the way? What is the main obstacle to seeing the glory of Christ, with a deeply satisfying and life-transforming sight of that glory? The biblical answer to that question is this: the absolutely just and holy wrath of God. We cannot know Christ in our sin because the wrath of God rests on us in our sin. What we deserve in our fallen sinfulness is not the knowledge of Christ’s glory but the judgment of God’s wrath. And since we are cut off from the knowledge of Christ by the wrath of God, we are cut off from the holiness without which we will not see the Lord. God doesn’t owe us holiness; he owes us punishment. Therefore, we are hopelessly depraved and hopelessly condemned.

Except for one thing: the good news that Christ has become for us the curse to bear God’s wrath and the righteousness to meet God’s demand. This is the heart of the gospel. And it is the apex of the glory of Christ. Without it, there is no hope to escape God’s wrath and no hope to know Christ’s glory. But here it is for everyone who believes. Galatians 3:13 says, “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us — for it is written, ‘Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree.’” Romans 8:3 says, “God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh.” Colossians 2:14 says, “[God canceled] the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.”

Of this saving work of Christ, Owen said, “An unseen glory accompanied him in all that he did, in all that he suffered. Unseen it was unto the eyes of the world, but not in his who alone can judge of it” (Works, 1:338). “For him, who was Lord of all universally, thus to submit himself to universal obedience, carrieth along with it an evidence of glorious grace” (Works, 1:339).

What could be more glorious than God himself in Christ enduring the condemnation of divine wrath, so that now every thought of God and every act of God toward us in Christ is designed for our eternal happiness! “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32).

And what is the greatest gift purchased by the glorious sufferings of Christ? The best gift is not the imputed righteousness of Christ. The best gift is not the forgiveness of sins. The best gift is not eternal life. The best gift is the everlasting, all-satisfying seeing and savoring of the glory of Christ himself. The glory of the cross achieved the enjoyment of the glory of Christ. Christ was the price, and Christ was the prize.

Souls Enlarged and Sanctified

To close, I want to circle back to where we began and recall the connection Owen made between seeing the glory of Christ and practical holiness. He said that the reason Jesus prayed for us in John 17:24 that we would see his glory is because this sight would “fill them with blessed satisfaction forevermore” (Works, 1:286). The reason that is so is because the human soul was made to see Christ, to know Christ, to love Christ, to enjoy Christ, and to be enlarged by the greatness of the glory of Christ. Without this, our souls shrink. And little souls make little lusts have great power. The soul, as it were, contracts or expands to encompass the magnitude or minuteness of its treasure. The human soul was made to see and savor the glory of Christ. Nothing else is big enough to enlarge the soul as God intended and make little lusts lose their power.

I know that vast, starry skies seen from a mountaintop in Utah, and four layers of moving clouds on a seemingly endless plain in Montana, and standing on the edge of a mile-deep drop in the Grand Canyon can all have a wonderfully supplementary role in enlarging the soul with the glory of creation. But nothing can take the place of the glory of Christ. As Jonathan Edwards said, if you embrace all creation with goodwill, but not Christ, you are infinitely parochial. Our hearts were made to be enlarged by Christ, and all creation cannot replace his glory.

My conviction is — and I think I learn it from Owen — that one of the main reasons the world and the church are awash in lust and pornography (by men and women) is that our lives are disconnected from the infinite, soul-staggering grandeur for which we were made: the glory of Christ. Inside and outside the church, modern culture is drowning in a sea of triviality, pettiness, banality, and silliness. It is inevitable that the human heart, which was made to be staggered with the glory of Christ but instead is drowning in a sea of banal entertainment, will reach for the best natural buzz that life can give: sex.

Therefore, the deepest cure to our pitiful addictions is to be staggered by the infinite, everlasting, unchanging, all-satisfying glory of Christ. This is what it means to know him. Christ has purchased this gift for us at the cost of his life. Therefore, I say with Hosea, “Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord” (Hosea 6:3).

ABSTRACT: When the New Testament authors quote or allude to the book of Proverbs, they only occasionally draw explicit links to Christ’s person and work. Much more often, they use this book of ancient wisdom to teach, reprove, correct, and train Christians in righteousness. As Christian Scripture, Proverbs does indeed highlight Christ as the wisdom of God, but more than that, it illustrates the wise, God-fearing life that flows from vibrant faith in him.

For our ongoing series of feature articles for pastors and Christian leaders, we asked Dan Estes (PhD, Cambridge University), Distinguished Professor of Old Testament at Cedarville University, to help pastors preach the book of Proverbs as Christian Scripture.

Viewing all the Scriptures through the lens of Christ has a long history in Christian interpretation. In the past half-century, this long-standing approach has received renewed impetus by influential scholars and preachers as well as new commentary series, all of which have championed an emphasis on preaching Christ in all the Scriptures.

This approach prioritizes the biblical metanarrative that culminates in Christ. According to Edmund Clowney, “All the Old Testament Scriptures, not merely the few passages that have been recognized as messianic, point us to Christ.”1 In making this claim, the Christological hermeneutic examines every biblical text in its place in the unified redemptive plan of God that is centered in the work of Christ.

However, many have struggled to apply this Christological hermeneutic to the Wisdom Literature, including the book of Proverbs. So how can one preach Proverbs as distinctly Christian Scripture?

Identifying the Problem

Many New Testament texts cite the legal, historical, and prophetic books in the Old Testament as anticipating Christ through sacrifice and covenant. In addition, several psalms are explicitly linked to Christ (as, for example, Psalm 110 in Hebrews 5:6; 7:17, 21). However, numerous psalms, as well as many other parts of the Bible’s Wisdom Literature, are difficult to relate to Christ.2

When we come to the Old Testament wisdom books, and to the book of Proverbs specifically, an essential question arises: Do the wisdom sayings in Proverbs speak directly of Christ, or do they have broader reference to the people of God as they challenge them to live wisely in the fear of the Lord? Contending for a Christological reference, Benjamin Quinn writes, “When teaching Proverbs, we must remember and recognize Jesus all along the way. We remember Jesus as the one who is Wisdom incarnate, and we remember Jesus as the one who walked in wisdom perfectly, manifesting wisdom’s way in the world and modeling wisdom’s way to the world. Jesus is thus the hero of Proverbs.”3

However, proponents of preaching Christ in all the Scriptures acknowledge at least tacitly the considerable challenges of attempting to do that in the book of Proverbs. Many books that advocate preaching Christ from all the Bible leave Proverbs virtually untouched.4 In view of the infrequent references to Proverbs in such books, where does that leave us? How do the proverbs relate to Christ? To answer that question, we will need to consider some crucial exegetical data.

Examining the Evidence

Two passages in Proverbs that have most often been interpreted Christologically are Proverbs 8:22–31 and Proverbs 30:4. Proverbs 8:22–31 has had a long and contentious interpretive history; in particular, it played a significant role in the Arian controversy in the fourth century A.D.5 Some scholars contend that this passage depicts Wisdom as the Son of God and anticipates the coming of Christ as Wisdom incarnate.6 However, numerous proponents of preaching Christ from the Old Testament acknowledge that although this passage may foreshadow the role of Christ as the wisdom of God in 1 Corinthians 1:24, 30 and Colossians 2:3, it is better viewed as a poetic personification of wisdom. For example, Richard Belcher concludes, “It is difficult from an OT standpoint to argue that Lady Wisdom in Proverbs 8 is a divine hypostasis of Christ’s eternal divine nature. Lady Wisdom is consistently presented in Proverbs 1–9 as a personification of wisdom.”7

Similar uncertainties attend Proverbs 30:4. Agur’s question, “What is his name, and what is his son’s name?” has been directly linked with the words of Jesus to Nicodemus in John 3:13 by Clowney, who reasons, “Agur implies that to know God we need to have access to God: to have someone go up to heaven and bring back God’s word. Jesus affirms that the One who would ascend to heaven must first come down from heaven; indeed, that coming, He must also remain in heaven, His own home. He is the Son of Man; He will indeed ascend to heaven, but He has first come down from heaven, and can therefore speak of heavenly things.”8 Waltke, however, counters by reasoning, “The answer to Agur’s question . . . must be deduced from the firm lexical evidence that in Proverbs ‘son’ always refers to a student who listens to his teacher. The son whom Agur had in mind is Israel, as can be seen in many Old Testament passages, such as Exodus 4:22, where God called Israel His unique son.”9

Foundational for assessing how to preach Christ from the book of Proverbs is the narrative about Jesus in Luke 24:27, 44. Clowney argues, “If we are to preach from the whole Bible, we must be able to see how the whole Bible bears witness to Jesus Christ. The Bible has a key, one that unlocks the use of the Old Testament by the New. That key is presented at the end of the Gospel of Luke (Luke 24:13–27; 44–48).”10 Chapell makes the same point, although with a caveat: “Jesus related all portions of Scripture to his own ministry. This does not mean that every phrase, punctuation mark, or verse directly reveals Christ but rather that all passages in their context serve our understanding of his nature and necessity. Such an understanding compels us to recognize that failure to relate a passage’s explanation to preparation, aspects, or results of Christ’s ministry is to neglect saying what Jesus said all Scripture was designed to reveal. Full exposition of any text requires explanation of its relation to the One to whom all Scripture ultimately points.”11

Chapell’s caveat points the way toward a crucial corrective to those who might search for clear links to Christ in every Old Testament verse. As Daniel Block has reasoned, in the Old Testament the explicit references to the Messiah are precious, but they are rare, so “the Messiah is indeed an important theme of the Old Testament, but we exaggerate Luke’s interpretation of the significance of Jesus’ speech . . . if we assume that this is the theme of the Bible and look for the Messiah on every page.”12 Another factor to be considered is Luke’s frequent use of forms of pas (“all”) in an exaggerated sense, as for example in Luke 2:1, 3; 5:17; 6:17; 7:29; 12:7; 19:7; 21:17. I have argued elsewhere, “This interpretive issue could be compared to the difference between a political candidate claiming that every voter in all the fifty states supports him, and saying that voters in all of the fifty states support him.”13 In the context in Luke 24, it seems more feasible to envision Jesus explaining selected Old Testament scriptures that testified of him than to insist that in the short period of time with the two disciples on the road to Emmaus Jesus managed to elucidate all that was said about him in every Old Testament text.

It is also crucial to examine how the New Testament makes use of the language of Proverbs. Of the six direct quotations of Proverbs in the New Testament, all of them have referents other than Christ. Hebrews 12:5–6 cites Proverbs 3:11–12 in a reproof directed toward Christians. Proverbs 3:34 is quoted twice, in James 4:6 as correction to Christians and in 1 Peter 5:5 as instruction for younger Christians. Proverbs 11:31 in 1 Peter 4:18 functions as reproof for the household of God, that is, the Christian community. Proverbs 25:21–22 is used in Romans 12:20 as a corrective directed to Christians. Finally, in 2 Peter 2:22, Proverbs 26:11 is used in an extended condemnation of false teachers.

When the 53 allusions to Proverbs in the New Testament are examined,14 in 12 cases texts from the book of Proverbs are applied directly to Christ, the Son of God (Matthew 16:27; 25:40; Luke 2:52; John 3:13; 7:38; 9:31; Colossians 2:3; Revelation 2:23; 3:14, 19; 20:12–13; 22:12). In several other cases, the allusion relates more generally to God (Luke 16:15; Romans 2:6; 13:1; 2 Timothy 4:14) or specifically to the Father (1 Peter 1:17) or the Spirit (1 Corinthians 2:11). By far, however, the allusions to Proverbs are directed toward mere humans, with 62 percent (3315 out of 53) functioning not as references to Christ but as teaching, reproof, correction, and training in righteousness directed toward Christians.16 This biblical data demonstrates that in the New Testament, texts from Proverbs most often speak of the behaviors that should characterize the lives of wise, godly people, rather than referring specifically to Christ.

Approaching a Solution

In his essay “Meditation in a Toolshed,” C.S. Lewis differentiates between looking at a sunbeam and looking along a sunbeam.17 It has already been seen that only about a dozen of the wisdom sayings in Proverbs are applied directly to Christ in the New Testament, as they look at him. In 80 percent of the cases, quotations and allusions from Proverbs instead look along Christ as they teach, reprove, correct, and train Christians in their behavior. Paul Koptak reasons, “The larger context of wisdom literature supports the suggestion that the book is to be read as the education of a young man receiving the instruction of those older and more experienced than he.”18 Ernest Lucas adds the important point that “the sages are concerned with character formation. They want to produce better people who will produce a better world. The key to this is people whose ‘being’ is shaped by ‘the fear of Yahweh.’ This will then determine their ‘doing.’”19

When texts from Proverbs are alluded to in the New Testament, in most cases their original focus on the character formation of the youth is retained, but it is applied more broadly to all Christians. Thus, this anthology of wisdom sayings “provides a pedagogical resource for sanctification”20 pertaining to the believer’s completion in Christ (Colossians 1:28). What Proverbs enjoins is the quality of life of those whom Paul describes as spiritual people (1 Corinthians 2:15–16; Galatians 6:1), whose lives manifest a consistent pattern of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23). Duane Garrett argues well, “The function of the Scriptures is not only to lead unbelievers to repentance and faith in Christ but also to instruct and nurture believers with truth that transforms our understanding and our lives. If this is so, then the believer must study the wisdom literature of the Bible . . . and the Christian minister must preach it. . . . Here we can learn to reject wrong and harmful behavior and to choose the paths that please God and bring happiness, the way of life that arises from faith in the Lord.”21

Proverbs invites us to preach to believers in way that endeavors to transform their actions, attitudes, and values more and more in the direction of Christlikeness, of being complete in Christ, which Paul stated was the goal of his ministry (Colossians 1:28).

Preaching Proverbs as Christian Scripture

How then can we preach Proverbs as Christian Scripture?

Following the pattern of the New Testament, we can occasionally draw connections between descriptions of wisdom in Proverbs and aspects of Christ, who is the wisdom of God (1 Corinthians 1:24) and in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge (Colossians 2:3). In these cases, we preach Proverbs by looking at Christ.

“Only Christ in us can produce the desire and the ability to live wisely and to please God.”

However, much more often in the New Testament, texts from Proverbs are used to teach believers how to walk in the way of God’s wisdom. By this means, believers are exhorted to obey the imperative to work out their salvation (Philippians 2:12), grounded in the indicative that God is at work within them by his indwelling Spirit, thus giving them both the desire and the ability to do what pleases him (Philippians 2:13). In effect, the New Testament writers show us how to look along Christ as texts from Proverbs provide teaching, reproof, correction, and training in righteousness for Christians.

As we preach Proverbs as Christian Scripture, we must keep several things in mind. First, read Proverbs as God’s wisdom for life, as its prologue indicates (Proverbs 1:1–7). In Proverbs, the wise person is one who is skilled in living according to the righteous standard of God — that is, living by the fear of the Lord, which is the beginning or essence of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10). In writing about the Psalms, C.S. Lewis insisted that they must be read as poems if they are to be understood properly, or “we shall miss what is in them and think we see what is not.”22 Similarly, as we preach Proverbs, we must read and apply its sayings as wisdom, or we may miss what they do teach.

Second, link the imperatives of wise behavior with the indicatives of what God has done for and in the believer through Christ. If Proverbs is preached only as a moralistic call to shrewd living that is not grounded in the gospel, then it can be heard merely as a challenge to turn over a new leaf in an effort to achieve a happier, more successful life. However, if Proverbs is presented as God’s call to his people to revere him in all their actions and attitudes, then that requires a transformation rooted in the righteousness of Christ that is imputed to those who have placed their faith in him. Only the Spirit of Christ in us can produce the desire and the ability to live wisely and to please God.

Third, preach Proverbs as wisdom sayings, not as absolutes or guarantees. In every culture, wisdom sayings are memorable generalizations rather than comprehensive or precise teachings, and that is why they are often balanced by other maxims. For example, we say that “the early bird gets the worm,” but also that “haste makes waste.” Proverbs 26:4 counsels, “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself,” but the next verse urges, “Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes.” Neither saying is intended to be taken absolutely; rather, the wise person knows when to ignore the fool and also when to call the fool out. The familiar saying in Proverbs 22:6 has too often been touted as a formulaic guarantee that good parenting will produce good children, but that hardly explains the family in which some of the children follow their godly parents but others depart from the faith. In fact, Proverbs has much to say about the child’s responsibility as well as that of the parents.

Fourth, for the most part, preach topics from Proverbs rather than individual sayings. Several individual proverbs (such as Proverbs 3:5–6) and some groups of related wisdom sayings (for example Proverbs 26:13–16) can be expounded as independent literary units. However, the book of Proverbs most often presents a collection of sayings that do not appear to be set in an easily discernible context. To preach these, some diligent forethought and planning will be required. Read through Proverbs and select the sayings that relate to a particular theme, study each saying individually, and then synthesize them into a topical outline. Using this process, I once developed a sermon series from Proverbs on uncommon virtues that should be cultivated in the Christian life.23

Because the Old Testament is part of Christian Scripture (2 Timothy 3:16), the themes found in Proverbs are God’s word, by which “the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:17). In addition, they often can be linked with exhortations to godly living in the New Testament. Ultimately, the righteous behavior exhorted in Proverbs is rooted in the imputed righteousness of Christ, which empowers those who are in Christ to walk in wisdom.

Audio Transcript

This week we look at authenticity — living out the authentic life. Francisco, a 23-year-old from Mexico City, wants to embody the qualities of Romans 12:9–13 in his life over the next year. He asks for insights on living out this passage authentically, a life of genuine affection. That’s on Thursday.

But today we have a question about the life of Christ and his authenticity: “Hi, Pastor John! My name is Mark, and I have a question for you that I’m having trouble putting into words, but I’ll try my best. When I read the Bible, I keep coming back to something Jesus says at Passover as he’s looking toward the cross: ‘The Son of Man goes as it is written of him.’ That’s Matthew 26:24. I don’t quite understand how the cross can be both fully planned out and still come from Jesus’s totally willing heart. I believe he ‘gave himself as a ransom for all’ (1 Timothy 2:6). But when I think of actors following a script, it doesn’t feel like they’re acting freely or authentically — it’s someone else’s will, not their own. So, how can Jesus’s life and death be fully scripted out and authentically yielded at the same time?”

Well, I probably should make the problem more difficult before I make it less difficult. Not only is the life of Jesus fully scripted, but so is Judas’s — indeed, so is every person’s life fully scripted by God. We’re all living, acting, speaking, thinking, feeling according to God’s providence, God’s decree, God’s script.

When Jesus had been betrayed by Judas and arrested (let’s just take Judas as an example), Matthew writes in Matthew 26:56, “All this has taken place that the Scriptures” — the script — “of the prophets might be fulfilled.” And Jesus said to the disciples about Judas at the Last Supper, “I am not speaking of all of you; I know whom I have chosen. But the Scripture will be fulfilled, ‘He who ate my bread has lifted his heel against me’” (John 13:18). So, everything is happening that night according to divine script.

Then there are the sweeping statements in the Bible that cover all people. Proverbs 16:1: “The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.” In other words, our hearts are indeed significant in shaping what we say, but the will of the Lord is decisive as to what comes out of our mouths. And Jeremiah says, “I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself, that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps” (Jeremiah 10:23). And Proverbs 20:24 says, “A man’s steps are from the Lord; how then can man understand his way?”

So, we have good reason to believe that when Paul says in Ephesians 1:11, “[God] works all things according to the counsel of his will” — that’s the script — he means “all things,” including the words and deeds of every person. All persons are acting out, speaking a script ultimately written by God.

Addressing a Reasonable Question

Mark’s question to us is this: I don’t quite understand how the cross can be fully planned and still come from Jesus’s totally willing heart. He says, “When I think of actors following a script, it doesn’t feel like they’re acting freely or authentically — it’s someone else’s will, not their own.”

“We’re all living, acting, speaking, thinking, feeling according to God’s providence, God’s decree, God’s script.”

Now, that’s, of course, totally reasonable. That last question is totally reasonable. If you conceive of an actor reading a script and memorizing it and speaking it in a play, then, clearly, what he says is not necessarily his own. He’s an actor; he’s playacting. He’s letting himself be totally and consciously — that’s important — governed in what he says by memorizing and repeating a script. And that’s the danger of all analogies. Analogies are wonderful and they’re horrible, aren’t they? They’re just so illuminating and so confusing.

There are true things about the analogy between God’s detailed providence and the script of a play. There’s an analogy there, and there are true things. And there are wrong things in the analogy between God’s providence and the script of a play. What’s true about the analogy is that God does indeed write the script for everything that happens in the world, and he sees to it that everybody acts according to his script. That’s the meaning of divine providence. But what’s not true about the analogy is that, in reality, no human being can read the script of divine providence before it happens. Nobody is reading and memorizing the script of divine providence and then acting it out like in a play. The script is secret in every individual life, until it’s acted out — except for Jesus.

Jesus is divine. He is God. His mind and his will are totally one with the Father. Jesus was there in eternity past, sharing in the act of writing the script when it was written for him. He wrote it with the Father. So, unlike everyone else, he did know in detail what he was to do at every moment, because he himself planned to do it. And so, he did not act against his will when following the script. It’s his script.

The words in the garden, “Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done,” did not mean that God the Son was out of step with God the Father (Luke 22:42). It meant that the truly human nature of Jesus found the prospect of the crucifixion horrific and undesirable in itself, but the unity of the will between the Son and the Father prevailed. So, there’s no sense in which Jesus was following a script contrary to his ultimate desires. He wrote the script together with his Father. He loved the script, and he wholeheartedly acted the script from his whole soul, eternity to eternity.

Addressing a More Difficult Question

But Mark’s question to us is much more difficult when it comes to Judas and everybody else. We didn’t write the script of providence. We can’t read the script of providence before it is acted. We don’t know God’s detailed plans for us the rest of this afternoon or this evening or tomorrow morning, but we will all act and speak in perfect accord with the script of providence.

Now, to deal with this — I have maybe one minute left, which is why I wrote a 750-page book to answer this one-minute-long issue. And so, I feel just a little bit of comfort that if somebody finds this next minute inadequate, I can at least say, “Would you please consult my book Providence, which has 750 pages of defense and explanation of this doctrine?” So, I take some comfort in that.

The essential mystery regarding providence, the divine script, is how — that’s the key question. How does God govern all things in such a way that human choices are still blameworthy or praiseworthy — that is, humans are still real moral agents and are really accountable for our actions? That God governs the world this way is clearly revealed in Scripture. How he does it is not clearly revealed in Scripture. So, let me close with two verses for you to think about in this mystery.

Second Corinthians 8:16–17: “Thanks be to God, who put into the heart of Titus the same earnest care I have for you. For . . . he is going to you of his own accord.” God put it in the heart of Titus to do something, and the result is that he’s doing it of his own accord. That’s the mystery.

You can see the same thing in Romans 6:17: “Thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart.” So, Paul thanks God, not the Roman Christians, that they have become obedient from their own heart — authentic, real, heartfelt choosing and obedience. It is really their choice, and God is the one who ultimately brought it to pass.

Oh, there is so much more to say, but I end with this. John Piper owes — this is why I love this doctrine — we owe our eternal lives to the sovereign grace of God to overcome our sinful will and make us new creatures in Christ, who is at work in us to will and to do his good pleasure.

When God unites a husband and wife, he forms a unique partnership with one primary aim: to glorify God by helping each other to heaven. Until death separates them, husbands should lovingly lead their wives in following Jesus, and wives should tenderly help their husbands to do the same. They are pilgrim partners traveling to glory.

In sweet seasons, you will take strong strides together. But at times (or even much of the time), you may feel like you’re dragging your spouse along. Sin, sorrow, and suffering all take their toll on a marriage. When a husband neglects his calling to lovingly lead his wife, she can be tempted to despair.

Functionally, spiritual leadership in the home is not a one-size-fits-all calling. God allows freedom and flexibility in families depending on the abilities of those in it. That said, God expects a husband to lead by sacrificial love (Ephesians 5:25), to honor his wife and live mindful of her needs (1 Peter 3:7), to be gentle, not harsh (Colossians 3:19), and to ensure God’s word governs their home (Genesis 2:15–17; Deuteronomy 6:4–7; Ephesians 5:26).

But what happens when a husband won’t lead? How should his wife respond? How can she pursue her husband in a way that encourages him to seek Jesus and, in turn, to lead her?

Seven Helps for Weary Helpers

While no formula can fix a husband’s lack of leadership, wives are not left without hope. As his helper, you are not only free but expected to encourage him in his leading. So, consider seven practical ways you might help your husband to lead. All of these are for you individually, but you need other godly sisters and pastors to help you live them faithfully. Don’t do this alone.

1. Pray.

A wise sister once said of her husband, “It is my job to love him. It is God’s job to change him.” Since only God can change a heart, perseveringly pray for your husband. Believe that “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).

Do you wish that your husband would have greater fervency for God and his word? Pray. Do you hope for him to care about your spiritual well-being and pursue you affectionately? Pray. Do you desire for him to show more spiritual sensitivity and become more heavenly-minded? Pray. Do you long for him to initiate family devotions or express more joy in Christ? Pray. Do you want him to develop meaningful relationships with other godly men? Pray.

Wives can do more than pray for their husbands, but they certainly should not do less. A praying wife is a husband’s best friend. But he isn’t the only one who needs prayer. You are also in need of God’s sustaining and strengthening grace.

Do you need wisdom to help your husband follow God? Pray. Do you need courage to trust God when things aren’t going well? Pray. Do you need humility to not grow proud and self-righteous? Pray. Do you need grace to cultivate a tender and gentle heart? Pray. Do you need strength to endure when hope is endangered? Pray.

Jesus assures us, “Apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). So, if anything must characterize you, let it be prayerfulness.

2. Maintain realistic expectations.

Unmet expectations often birth frustration. What do you expect his leadership to look like? Some expectations are realistic, like remaining faithful to the marriage covenant (Exodus 20:14; Hebrews 13:4), attending church gatherings (Hebrews 10:24–25), and pointing your children to Jesus (Ephesians 6:4). God commands him to do these things. But some expectations are unrealistic. Not all husbands will initiate morning devotions over coffee or take their families on mission trips. Not all husbands will read books at night by the fire or set up weekly date nights. You may desire your husband to lead in ways that would be nice, perhaps even wise, but are not required by the Lord.

“Remember that God is not only working in your husband. He is also working in you.”

Communication can help to clarify expectations. Have you humbly spent time with your Lord and godly sisters to discern what healthy marital expectations look like? Have you asked your husband to discuss how best to follow Jesus as a couple? Have you asked him if he has considered meeting with another godly man to talk through realistic expectations for his leadership and your helping?

Develop and base your expectations on Scripture, not on what others do or what you wish your husband would do. Wisely discern the right time to share your dreams and desires, but don’t hold him to a standard God does not.

3. Protect your heart.

As you help your husband, guard your heart from temptation. Paul warned the spiritually mature in Galatia, “Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted” (Galatians 6:1). What temptations might accompany your efforts? I’ll suggest eight.

Pride: Do you look down on your husband because of how well you’re following Jesus compared to him?
Entitlement: Do you feel like God owes you? Do you think that your faithfulness to him before marriage (or since) has earned you something better than what he has given you in marriage?
Apathy: Have you grown cold and uncaring toward your husband? Are you going through the motions or striving by faith?
Manipulation: Do you use sex, cleaning, spending, or anything else in hopes of changing him? Is freely serving Jesus more important to you than changing your husband?
Bitterness: Does your soul seethe with resentment toward him? Do you dream of not being with him — or worse, that he were dead? Do you withhold good from him to spite him? Do you punish him actively or passively?
Disrespect: Do you withhold respect because you don’t see him as respectable? Are you sharp with your words in private? Do you tear him down in public?
Coveting: Do you compare your husband with other men? Do you daydream of what life would be like with another man?
Adultery: Are you too close to someone else? Are you humble enough to know that even you could be seduced into an affair?

Satan is a patient prowler with devious schemes. Be on guard, and remain honest with both other godly sisters and your husband to help you to resist the attacks.

4. Encourage him.

You can always find ways your husband falls short. And there is a time to help him see his sins and shortcomings (Matthew 18:15; Luke 17:3). But do you consistently highlight areas of encouragement in his life? Have you asked God to help you see areas where he is growing (even slightly) so that you can specifically encourage him? Do you see his gifts and commend him for the ways he uses them? Do you regularly thank your husband for the good he does? Does your encouragement to him outpace your criticism of him? Does he feel, without a doubt, that you are on his side? Are you?

If you can’t think of anything encouraging, ask God to help you see and to remove any log that may be blinding your sight (Matthew 7:1–5). The Spirit will help you. Ask him to show you how he is working in your husband so that you can encourage him.

5. Examine yourself.

While you are never to blame for any of his actions or inactions, it is still helpful to inquire if you’re doing anything unhelpful. Could there be ways you make his leading difficult? Are you high-maintenance, exacting, or demeaning? How can you make his leading more enjoyable? Ask him. Consider discussing these questions with another godly sister to ensure your heart is as pure as it can be before God.

6. Gently prod him.

Submission isn’t a call to passivity or subjugation but a call to flourish under the wing of your husband. This means that you are free and at times even responsible for initiating your family’s pursuit of God. His leadership is helped by your active assistance. I can’t tell you how many times God has used my wife’s thoughtful suggestions and godly example to help me step up.

Maybe you could invite him to use an evening differently: “I think I’m going to do some reading and praying tonight rather than watch our show. Feel free to relax or to join me.” Or, “I thought we could read some Scripture with the kids after dinner tonight. Do you have any suggestions?” Or, “I think God wants us to share our faith with our neighbors. What do you think about having them over for dinner?”

Prayerfully consider creative ways to encourage godly relationships for your husband. Offer for him to take the night and hang out with friends from church. Consider asking him if it’s okay to go on a double date with a couple that could be a good influence on your family. Be willing, as you’re able, to sacrifice in order to make these relationships happen.

There’s often a fine line between trying to help and manipulating. You’ll slip past that line at times, but God’s grace abounds, and he will help you (Hebrews 4:14–16).

7. Value perspective and perseverance.

Change rarely happens quickly. Waiting can be painful, especially if you sense you are withering. But remember that God is not only working in your husband. He is also working in you. As you wait upon the Lord, remember that opportunities abound for you to grow. Some of the godliest women I know are ones who have endured long, challenging seasons with spiritually lethargic husbands. As they have waited, God has helped them to grow in desperation for Jesus, not their husband. Remember: you do not need your husband to be what only Jesus can be.

Whatever your circumstance, keep looking to Jesus and pleading with him to grow your husband’s faith. And as you do, your faith will grow as well. Why? Because you’re focused on the glory of Jesus, not the grief of your circumstances. Here, you will mature in prayer, find joy in God, and deepen your dependence on him.

Look to That Day

Alongside these seven suggestions, I will add a brief word about dangerous marriages. Living with a fellow sinner will be difficult and disappointing. Any sin against us hurts. However, some marriages are truly dangerous because a husband harms his wife verbally, physically, or sexually. While you must be careful not to bear false witness against your husband (Exodus 20:16), God does not call you to suffer genuine harm in silence. He has given pastors and police to protect you (Acts 20:28–30; Romans 13:4). If you are in real danger, please seek help.

But for all other wives, remember that someday soon, you and your husband will stand before Jesus. On that great day, you will give an account not for how he lived but for how you lived. Lean upon God’s grace today, no matter what difficulty may come. Because when you hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant,” all your pains will be worth it. And, Lord willing, your husband will look over at you and say, “Because of your help, I gave a better account. Thank you.” The Lord is able. Keep trusting.