Back When We Had Friends: Why Brothers Still Need Brothers
Men, do you remember when we had friends?
Back when we first asked in our own way, and without shame, Will you be my friend? Back when we could be vulnerable, known, honest with someone who would still have our back afterward. Back when we didn’t have so many better things to do than kick it with the boys. For me, it was back when the grass was worn to dirt through tackle football, back when the garage was dented from alley-hoops and allowance was spent at the movies. Can you remember that far back?
I mean those days of little league, basketball at recess, and trying to swindle your guys into swapping your PB&J sandwich for more chicken nuggets. Those sleepover days, those “girls have cooties . . . but we still kind of like them” days. Days chasing each other around, stumbling toward manhood, days making their joys your joys and their beef your beef. Back when ball games and bike rides were a sacred place of joke-telling, fear-sharing, dream-making, where friends became brothers — and the fatherless found a family. You know, back when we had friends.
But we’re grown now. We have jobs and pay bills. They have their wife and kids; we have ours. Text replies take longer — delivered, it seems, by carrier pigeon. You need to figure life out on your own; you’re a man now. Besides, you’re no longer who you were. Jesus found you; the friendship worsened. What partnership can light have with darkness? Not much, you’re discovering. What now?
Well, now you are in the church and have met good men, to be sure. No denying. They are brothers in the most profound sense, brothers in the Lord Jesus. But you haven’t found brothers, perhaps, in that more functional sense — a friend to spend time with, confide in, and have your back. A man who knows you. A man whose hands you love to strengthen in the Lord, but one you do things with besides studying the Bible. A man who isn’t caged into blocks on a calendar. A man you admire, trust, and come to love as your own soul.
One comedian joked that one of Jesus’s greatest miracles was having twelve adult male friends. We smile, then wince. Should such relationships be this rare? Does God’s word give us expectations that we should want this kind of friend? Pray for this kind of friend? Desire to be this kind of friend? I think it does.
Blessed to Have a Brother
Contemplating the meaning of life, the writer of Ecclesiastes gives us a beautiful apologetic for fellow-ship, for brotherly love.
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him — a threefold cord is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9–12)
The wise man teaches that two are better than one, and a brotherhood of three is even better. He has just finished explaining that it is not good for man to be alone, speaking not just of marriage but of manhood (Ecclesiastes 4:7–8). We need brothers. Life is better that way. He gives four reasons why.
1. Brother for the Work
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. (Ecclesiastes 4:9)
The first place where we see the blessing of this brotherhood is in our labor. Men do not just meet at coffee shops and update about life; they live life together. They labor with each other.
They know part of their discipleship is active, toiling together. Jesus has a yoke, and these brothers want to pull shoulder to shoulder. And when they do, they have a good reward for their work. By pulling together, they help each other become better men, disciples, husbands, fathers, workmen, and neighbors. They serve in the church, use their gifts, sharpen each other, fill their hands with the good works that God prepared them to walk in — together. Instead of seeing such an investment as a distraction from their other duties, they know a good reward stands on the other side of their joint labor. They see better results than if they remained in harness alone.
2. Brother for the Fall
Two are better than one . . . for if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10)
How many Christian men lie on the ground, fallen, with no one to help? George Whitefield puts it ably:
When we reflect how prone we are to be drawn into error in our judgments, and into vice in our practice; and how unable, at least how very unwilling, to espy or correct our own miscarriages; when we consider how apt the world is to flatter us in our faults, and how few there are so kind as to tell us the truth; what an inestimable privilege must it be to have a set of true, judicious, hearty friends about us, continually watching over our souls, to inform us where we have fallen, and to warn us that we fall not again for the future. Surely it is such a privilege . . . we shall never know the value thereof, till we come to glory.
Good brothers are God’s hands to help us up. When we fail, when we sin, when we take the wrong path to great consequence, there they are to reach down their hands and help us to our feet. They come to us at our lowest. They listen. They offer correction. They pray with us. They plead for repentance and remind us of Christ and his precious promises. And when life leaves us doubled-over, heartbroken, and unable to stand, they are there again. They weep with us, and we with them. Woe to us if we fall and keep falling in our marriages, our private lives, our fathering, our vocations, or if we get ribs broken from a punch we never saw coming — and have no brother near to help lift us to our feet.
3. Brother for the Cold
Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? (Ecclesiastes 4:11)
Picture two travelers on a journey. The nights are cold, and a pilgrim can stay warmer huddled with a companion. On especially cold nights, a brother to help keep warm can mean life or death.
“Good brothers are God’s hands to help us up.”
In that higher sense, our souls need the spiritual heat of other men. Even redeemed hearts grow cold alone. We pass through a wintry world. How can we stay hot until the end? How will we not be chilled by suffering or sin or distraction? How shall we keep above that room-temperature religion that leads so many to destruction? How can one stay warm alone?
On this journey, we need real brothers who burn with real passion for Christ and his kingdom. We need them, and they need us. Good brothers warm us on cold and lifeless days and add their heat so our faith may not freeze. In the words of Rafiki, “If you want to go fast, go alone. There’s the road. Off you go! But if you want to go far, we go together.”
4. Brother for the Battle
Two are better than one . . . [for] though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him — a threefold cord is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9, 12)
Many of us do not search and fast for such brothers because we do not understand who seeks to prevail against us. We do not know what Philistine, what armies, what thieves and enemies stand between us and Christ’s kingdom. If you look out and see a meadow of flowers in the way, you may need no men, but if you look out and see legions of spiritual forces sworn to destroy you, what wouldn’t you give for an Aragorn and Legolas by your side?
Brothers, we go out, says Whitefield,
with “ten thousand, to meet one that cometh against us with twenty thousand;” as persons that are to “wrestle not only with flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, and spiritual wickednesses in high places.” And then tell me, all ye that fear God, if it be not an invaluable privilege to have a company of fellow soldiers continually about us, animating and exhorting each other to stand our ground, to keep our ranks, and manfully to follow the captain of our salvation, though it be through a sea of blood?
You will never overvalue God’s gift to you of a man who gets bolder the more the need grows — a brother more eager to ride with you when more enemies swarm ahead. He is built for this: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). And if you have two such men with you — may whatever lies ahead beware!
For This Life and the Next
What do we conclude? Many of us are less effective for Christ, fallen into grief or sin and unable to rise, cooled in affections for God’s glory and the souls of others, as well as more regularly prevailed upon by Satan, the flesh, and the world. And why? Because we do not have a brother or two by our side.
Two are better than one, three better than two, and yet we see lone generals of their families scattered all over the war effort — good men, God’s men, lonely men. They are starved, not of things to do, but of godly men to do some of those things with. To hunt with, eat with, watch the game with, work out with, study God’s word with, evangelize with, build a porch with, or start a business with.
Frodo needs Sam; Harry needs Ron; David needs mighty men; Jonathan needs his armor-bearer. Even Jesus, who had to finish his unique course alone, still chose to pass precious moments on earth with his twelve. Divide and conquer is still an effective stratagem of the enemy. But what can you do? What if you don’t have such a brother, though you desire one?
You can pray. You can prioritize space in your week for these relationships. You can live on mission and see what brothers come to fight beside you. One other strategy I have tried: be this kind of man yourself. Be quick to labor with, uplift, heat, and fight beside other men. Do this, and I wager you will find your mighty men yet. So, who can you strengthen this week in the Lord?
In the meantime, as you wait, remember to prize that brotherhood greater than any other. Jesus still stretches his hand toward us disciples and says, “Here are . . . my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother” (Matthew 12:49–50). The Spirit of Christ spans the divide and indwells us. Maybe, just maybe, you do not have those brothers just yet because God would have you truly value Christ working in you, Christ lifting you up, Christ warming your soul, and Christ battling with you. Blessed is the man who learns — even among good brothers — to depend entirely upon this Friend.