Toxic people are much better at being toxic than we are at knowing how to deal with them. Toxic people enjoy conflict like a pig enjoys mud. They don’t want us to act like Christians; instead, they want us to do what they want us to do and and they revel in our desperate attempts to engage with them. As Jesus demonstrated, there comes a time to walk away. As Jesus said, “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces” (Mt 7:6). Spiritually dead people don’t recognize truth or love for what they are, and they derail us from our mission. Thus, we must determine not to waste our time on toxic people.

Now that we have explored the concept of toxicity and delved into how we can identify people who are toxic to us, we can explore the concept theologically, employing biblical-theological categories to understand the phenomenon and to craft a faithfully Christian posture toward toxic people.
As Gary Thomas writes in When to Walk Away, Scripture reveals at least three traits of toxic people: a murderous spirit, a desire for control, and a love for hatred. To Thomas’ three points we will add a fourth: an addiction to heart-theft. Taken together, these four traits provide Christians with a helpful theological categorization of the types of characteristics (Toxic People 102) and styles (Toxic People 103) we outlined previously.
A Murderous Spirit
The first category to be noted is a “murderous spirit.” Toxic people want to take you down and derail your mission. They want you cause you to feel shame, guilt, and discouragement. They enjoy making self-righteous and rash judgments and intend to discourage you with them. And, if you let them, they will systematically diminish, and finally destroy, your inner life. You cannot allow this to happen. Ultimately, Satan is the one manipulating toxic people to do his bidding. In essence, he is a murderer, and quite skillful at what he does (Jn 8:44).
A Desire for Control
The second category is a “desire for control.” Toxic people want to control you in some manner, if not entirely. If they can’t control you overtly, they will do so covertly through skillful manipulation. In so doing, they have become a tool of the Evil One. God doesn’t control us; this is seen clearly in the life of Jesus, who did not attempt to control those around him. Thus, when toxic people attempt to control us, they are assuming the authority of God but using the tools of Satan. They want you to bow to them, to be directed by them, instead of focusing on God’s will for your life.
A Love for Hatred
The third category is “a love for hatred.” People who love God are wired for humility, gentleness, and kindness (Col 3:12,14). Toxic people, however, are wired for anger, rage, malice, and deceit (Col 3:8-9). In fact, people who love God have a very difficult time understanding how a person claiming to be a Christian can be so hateful. Thus, we must realize that toxic people have an entirely different set of motivations and fears than healthy people, and that “normal” methods of interacting with them are ineffective and, in fact, counterproductive.
An Addiction to Heart-Theft
The fourth category is “heart-theft.” When a toxic person realizes he can’t control you overtly, he will seek to bully you covertly through manipulation. When a person engages in manipulation, she is trying to control you without your permission, and thus infringes on your autonomy.
Read More

God has given us an additional, and even more powerful, witness to our salvation – God’s own Holy Spirit, who bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, as Paul tells us in Romans 8:16. Yet in spite of this witness being more certain, it is the one we understand the least, and are very often the beneficiaries of without our even being aware.

“The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God” Romans 8:16.
“Am I a Christian?” and “How can I be sure?” are two of the most important questions that we can ever ask ourselves. Our eternities are at stake over this matter, and, to heighten its importance still further, we all will have histories of getting some things wrong, even when we are convinced that we are right.
Thankfully (and graciously), God has given us some help in regard to the assurance of our saving faith in Jesus Christ:
Firstly, throughout the Bible we are given a variety of genuine marks of a Christian that we can use to test ourselves with. We might look at the fruits of the Spirit, or read how a humble, self-sacrificing spirit is characteristic of a follower of Christ, and see whether we manifest any of these marks in our own lives and characters (even if in just small ways). We could even use many of these marks together which could then, potentially, leave us with a fairly strong argument either for or against our salvation.
Secondly, God has given us an additional, and even more powerful, witness to our salvation – God’s own Holy Spirit, who bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, as Paul tells us in Romans 8:16. Yet in spite of this witness being more certain, it is the one we understand the least, and are very often the beneficiaries of without our even being aware.
A favourite illustration of Dr Martyn Lloyd-Jones (itself being borrowed from the Puritan Thomas Goodwin), that he used a number of times throughout his Romans preaching series, was the experience of a young child. This child was able to objectively assure himself of his father’s love by bringing to remembrance the loving things that the father had said and done to and for him. The Holy Spirit’s witness, however, is akin to the father swooping down, picking up the child in a loving embrace, and showering him with kisses. Both tell of the father’s love for the child, but the second witness is a deeper, felt experience. This is, as Paul describes in Romans 5:5, “The love of God [being] poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
How is it, then, that the Holy Spirit bears witness with our spirits that we are children of God, that we might recognise it and benefit from it still further than just a mere experiential feeling?

By testifying to our being the Father’s children

Any parents, I am sure, will be familiar with seeing their children act in a way reminiscent of themselves, and concluding, “Yes, they are definitely my child!”
Likewise, the Holy Spirit bears witness to our spirit that we are children of God when we reflect the character and heart of our heavenly Father.
This can be summarized as being a love of holiness and a hatred of sin; or a heart that loves what the Father loves and hates what the Father hates. Of course, this will always be imperfectly on our part whilst we remain in this world, but it is when we obey the Spirit’s leading in choosing those things that the Father loves, and overcoming the temptation to choose those things which the Father hates, that the Holy Spirit bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God.
Is it any wonder that we feel least certain of our salvation when we are embracing sin? This is, understandably, when the Holy Spirit’s witness with our spirits is at its quietest. We will also find that the opposite is true: we enjoy an assurance of our salvation at its strongest when we are embracing God’s righteousness.

By testifying to our being children of the Father

It is only through the Holy Spirit that we can ever cry out to God, “Abba, Father” with an assurance that what we are saying is true. Firstly, we have seen that it is in our obedience that the Holy Spirit bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God. Secondly, and as yet a further act of grace toward us, the Holy Spirit also bears witness to our spirits that we are children of God, albeit in a different manner, even when we sin.
The preference must always be obedience to the Spirit’s leading and to the will and law of God, but, sadly, we fail, and we fail often.
As a Christian, then, how do you fall down before God in repentance of your sins?
Is it as falling down before a harsh taskmaster, where you cry out in fear for yourself, “God, I am so sorry for committing this sin… please don’t hurt me; please don’t strike out at me; please don’t destroy me!”?
Or are your cries more in line with, “Oh, my God and heavenly Father, I am so sorry for doing this wickedness against You; I am so sorry for letting You down again! How You still embrace me in love I will never know, but I know that You do, and I am so thankful, Father, that You love me so much!”?
You can only pray like the latter because the Holy Spirit is bearing witness with your spirit that you are a child of God.

By testifying to our union to Jesus Christ

If we are children of God, then heirs – heirs of God and joint-heirs with Christ (v.17).
We are children of God because of our relation to the Son of God, Jesus Christ. Through mystical, spiritual union to Jesus we are adopted into God’s family, being made legitimate children to a Father who loves us.
As a married man of seventeen years, there have never been any times during those seventeen years when I have been married to my wife any less or any more than at other times. However, it is when I am in a loving embrace with my wife that I feel that marriage the most.
It is when we are in our loving embraces with our spouse, Jesus Christ, that we feel our union to Him the most: when we pray, praise, read of, hear of, serve and worship Him with love-filled hearts. In these things the Holy Spirit bears witness with our spirits that we are united to Jesus in spiritual marriage, and if united to Jesus, then children of God! We cannot be surprised to see that Romans 8, which is one of the most loved and precious chapters of Scripture, closes by stating that the love of God is found in Jesus Christ Himself. As children of God, we find all of the love of God in Jesus Christ, and it is all given to us through Him.
Conclusion
For the past year I have been a father to a gorgeous, naughty, anxiety-riddled little beagle dog, Lilo. When she is afraid, she has a tendency to face away from me, but scoot herself backwards until there is firm contact between herself and myself. This works quite nicely, as it enables me to wrap my arms around her in a loving embrace and whisper to her, “It’s okay, little Lilo. You’re family now. I’ll always be here for you.”
When we are feeling most anxious about our salvations, we would do well to learn from her, bringing ourselves into contact with our heavenly Father through whole-hearted worship, casting ourselves entirely upon Him, where, when we know what to listen out for, we can hear, and feel, the Holy Spirit witness with our spirits that we are children of God – that we would be assured that we are truly loved, and we are truly His, in Jesus Christ our Lord.
Matthew Prydden is an itinerant preacher from Wales, Reformed, Calvinistic, and Evangelical. This article is used with permission.
Related Posts:

True Christianity offers you something different than the world does, but true Christianity will cost you. And there will be consequences. What you saw from most of the professing church was a fearful and cowardly display of the fear of man and the love of this world. 

DC Talk’s 1995 hit “What If I Stumble?” starts with someone reading these lines: “The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” Like it or not, true Christians have to deal with the consequences of the professing church. Many unbelievers look at the professing church’s lack of faithfulness and conclude that such is what true Christianity is.
As such, for many a true follower of Jesus, the response of the professing evangelical and even Reformed church during the coronavirus has been one of the most discouraging and disheartening parts of this whole year. Dealing with government overreach, media-induced fear, and hysteria without end would have been bad enough. But the one place where Christians should have been able to find refuge was in the church. There, believers should have found a different spirit—a spirit of faith and trust and courage. A spirit of freedom and peace. Believers should have been able to point to the church—the called out ones—and said to a watching world, “Behold, there is something otherworldly, something different from the world.” Sadly, that wasn’t the case for most churches. Uncertainty, fear, cancellations of fellowship, mask requirements, and social distance regulations thrived in the church just as much as in the world.
I’ve entitled this “A COVID Apology to America, on Behalf of the Evangelical Church.” This is what I believe the professing evangelical and Reformed church should say to America. And, of course, she should not only say it, but change course accordingly.
The Apology (7 parts):
America, we’re sorry. We had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to show you how different Christianity is from the world. And we failed.
Years ago, Leonard Ravenhill said, “The world out there is not waiting for a new definition of Christianity; it’s waiting for a new demonstration of Christianity.” The COVID debacle of 2020-2021 was the perfect opportunity for us to give you that new demonstration of Christianity. We could have shown you what it means to live a life free from fear. We could have shown you what it means to value spiritual things more than material things. We could have shown you that Christians are different. Instead, most evangelical churches acted just like the world. Our profession of faith made little difference in our lives. Our churches closed their doors just like the Lion’s Club and community BINGO night. It’s too late for us now to change how we responded. But the least we can do is say that we’re sorry.
We’re sorry we contradicted so much of what we had told you previously.
Prior to the coronavirus, we told you that it was vital for Christians to gather together and fellowship. We preached about passages such as Hebrews 10:25: “not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” We told you about Christians throughout church history who were willing to meet despite the dangers of persecution, oppression, and even death. We held these men and women up as examples of faithfulness. And then, when the coronavirus struck us, we scattered like sheep without a shepherd. Forgive us.
Prior to the coronavirus we told you that living for Christ was worth more than anything this world could offer, including safety, health, and prosperity. We told you about Christians—going all the way back to the apostles—who truly understood the gospel and were willing to give up everything to follow Jesus. We told you about the missionaries and housewives, preachers and plowboys, who were willing to die if they could only read the Scripture. We told you that obedience to Christ was not an optional part of discipleship, but the very essence of following Jesus. And then, when it was going to cost us something to stand for Jesus and stand against the world, we crumbled like a house of cards. Forgive us.
We’re sorry we perverted the glorious and beautiful blessing of Christian fellowship.
We neglected fellowship. For some of us, it didn’t even take one week for us to cancel fellowship. We dressed it up with a lot of explanations and qualifications, but the bottom line is that we told everyone to stop meeting together as a church body. We did not accurately demonstrate the doctrine of Christian fellowship. We made Christianity to look no different than a social club or sports league, willing to cancel gatherings on the word of a pagan tyrant.
But even worse than abandoning Christian fellowship, we perverted fellowship. We encouraged you to think that Christians view “online” events as gatherings, fellowship, or services. This is all a gross perversion of what God intended for the church. We know that none of these things are fellowship, but we continued to act as if they were. To our shame, when we finally found some courage to meet (or, if we’re honest, when the state allowed us to meet), we continued to enforce mask and distancing mandates. We showed that we really don’t care if true fellowship occurs—where believers can interact with one another, see each other’s faces, and act as family—we really only cared about continuing to present a façade of Christianity. We did have good motives and intentions. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Truth be told, we caved to the pressure. Our actions are a stain upon the true church’s testimony concerning the doctrine of Christian fellowship.
We’re sorry we conformed to the world.
Christians are supposed to look different from the world. The fear that characterizes so much of our world, amplified to the extreme during the coronavirus, is unbecoming for a true Christian church. We know that we have been charged to not be conformed to this world (or “age,” see Romans 12:2). However, we found the temptation too strong and the potential cost too high for us to have our minds transformed during the coronavirus. Instead of standing as a city upon a hill as a light for a lost, confused, and scared world, we acted just like everyone else. Just like the pagans in the plagues of the second and third century, we encouraged you to stay away from others.
Read More