Audio Transcript

We have a big week ahead because today we launch week number five hundred on the podcast. That is incredible. That’s a lot of sustaining grace, and not possible without you. So thanks for your prayers, support, questions, and listens. We don’t take any of this for granted. Thanks for listening while you wait in airport terminals, ride in subways, do your daily mundane chores (dishes, laundry, walking the dog), drive to work, or shuffle your kids around town, or even listen through your iPhone speakers at the end of your day. However and whenever you listen, thank you for making this podcast a part of your busy life — now for five hundred weeks.

We begin week number five hundred with a question from a listener named Joe. “Pastor John, hello and thank you for this podcast. What would you say is the difference between the kind of love that is produced in the Christian’s heart for others through the new birth (1 John 4:7; 1 Peter 1:22–23), compared to the charitable and often self-sacrificial love that we often see demonstrated in the world among non-Christians? How would you explain this difference?”

The difference between secular love and Christian love is that secular love is not rooted in the cross of God’s Son, and is not sustained and shaped by the power of God’s Spirit, and is not acted for the glory of God the Father. So the source of it is different, the sustaining power of it is different, and the goal of it is different. Let’s think about each of these one at a time and see if we can fill it out.

Rooted in the Cross

First, there’s a different source of these two loves. First John 4:19 says, “We love because he first loved us.” And how did he first love us? Well, John says in 1 John 3:16, “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.” So, Christian love is rooted in Christ’s sacrifice for me and for you.

By this our sins are forgiven. We’re justified, accepted, and loved by God. We have the hope that everything in life will work together for our good and bring us to everlasting joy, so that fear and greed, the great barriers to love, are taken away as we trust what God is for us in Christ. When Paul calls Christians to have compassion in Colossians 3:12, he prefaces that command with three identifiers of who we are. He says, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts.”

Now, this is the root of the source of compassion. God chose me. God consecrated me — made me holy, set me apart for himself. God loves me. And all of this is provided for us because of Christ’s death in our place. There is no other way. That death for us provided the hope from which love flows. Colossians 1:4 says, “We heard . . . of the love that you have for all the saints, because of the hope laid up for you in heaven.” That hope is purchased by Jesus on the cross.

Christ’s death also provided the joy from which love flows. Second Corinthians 8:2 says, “In a severe test of affliction, their abundance of joy and their extreme poverty have overflowed in a wealth of generosity on their part.” In other words, joy overflows in love. Christian love is the overflow of joy in God that meets the needs of others, and that joy is a blood-bought joy from the death of Jesus.

So, the first difference between secular love and Christian love is that our love is rooted in and is the overflow of the work of Christ and its effects in our lives.

Shaped by the Spirit

Second, Christian love is sustained and shaped by the work of God’s Spirit, where secular love isn’t. Paul calls it the “fruit of the Spirit” in Galatians 5:22. It is the Spirit that takes the death of Christ, causes it to be real for us, and gives us new hearts so that the death of Christ has a love-producing effect on us. First John 3:14 says, “We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death.” Love in our lives is the evidence that the Spirit of God has brought us from death to life.

“Love in our lives is the evidence that the Spirit of God has brought us from death to life.”

The Spirit not only gives us life at the beginning of our Christian walk (in the new birth), but he sustains our faith and life as we go along, moment by moment depending on his power so that we can make the sacrifices necessary that love demands. It’s the Holy Spirit that sustains our faith so that we can continually lay hold of the promises of God for hope, for joy that frees us for love.

We could go on and on about how the Spirit forms and sustains our capacities to love by overcoming the great love killers of fear and greed and selfishness; by directing our hearts over and over again to the truth of God’s commands and promises, where we get the wisdom and boldness we need to love; and by humbling our pride so that we don’t need to be somebody, and instead, we can take thought for the interests of others and not just our own — and on and on. The work of the Spirit sustains and shapes Christian love, but not the love of the world.

Aimed at Glory

Third and finally, Christian love has a different goal — not an entirely different goal, but a radically different goal. It’s not entirely different from the unbeliever who loves. It’s not entirely different because secular love often aims at the physical and emotional and psychological and relational and economic well-being of other people. And Christians care about these things. There’s overlap. But when Christians ask, “What is good for people in all those areas — what’s really good?” the answer is always essentially different from the answer of secular people, because for Christians what’s good for human beings is always defined so as to include their relationship to God in Christ.

What is good for people is that they trust Christ, depend on his Spirit, walk in obedience, and live for the glory of God. Therefore, when Christians talk about seeking the physical good of a person, for example, we do so in the hope that they will experience this physical good as a gift of God and receive it in the name of Jesus and rely on the Holy Spirit to use it for his glory. If all those Godward dimensions are missing, our love is falling short of its goal, and we grieve.

“Christian love is keenly aware that life on earth is a vapor followed by an eternity.”

Christian love is keenly aware that life on earth is a vapor followed by an eternity either of exquisite happiness in the presence of God or eternal suffering cut off from his presence. And therefore, Christians care about all suffering, but especially eternal suffering. The Bible tells us to do everything to the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31), so we should love people for the glory of God.

Love That Enthralls

And when someone asks, “Is it truly love for a person if we are motivated by the hope that God will be glorified through our love for this person?” I know people ask that question. I’ve heard it recently. And the answer is yes, it is love — the greatest love.

The reason the answer is yes — it is love when you love someone in order that God would be glorified — goes like this: Love is doing whatever it takes to enthrall the beloved with the greatest and longest happiness, even if it costs you your life. And what will enthrall the beloved with the greatest and longest happiness is the glory of God — all that God is for them in Jesus. Therefore, love for people means doing all we can at whatever cost to ourselves — like Jesus did — to help people be enthralled with the glory of God now and forever.

When they are enthralled with all that God is for them in Jesus, then they are satisfied fully and forever, and God is glorified in their being satisfied in him. That’s what makes us tick at Desiring God — this glorious, profound biblical insight. Therefore, loving people and glorifying God are not alternatives. They’re not at odds. They are profoundly one thing.

So, in those three ways, Christian love is different from secular love. They have a different source (the death and resurrection of Christ), a different sustaining power (the work of the Holy Spirit), and a different goal (full and everlasting joy in God).

In this message, we are going to dig into the biblical teaching about leaders in the church — who they are and what they do. So, I invite you to come with me through five steps.

Step 1: I will try to show that it is God’s will that there be leaders in all Christian churches.

Step 2: I will try to formulate a brief definition of what this leadership is, or what leaders do.

Step 3: I will point to some biblical cautions about leadership.

Step 4: We will zero in on how leaders lead successfully. What’s the basic prescription for effectiveness?

Step 5: We will flesh that out with two practical implications for the pastor.

If you are helped by one-word summaries: We will deal with the justification of leadership, the definition of leadership, cautions about leadership, the implementation of leadership, and some illustrations of leadership.

Step 1: Justification of Leadership

It is God’s will that there be leaders in all Christian churches. We know this because God himself uses at least seven different words for these leaders as the New Testament describes them in the churches.

First is the very word “leader,” the present participle of hēgomai, hēgoumenos. This is the same word that Matthew 2:6 uses, where Micah’s prophecy is quoted: “From you, [Bethlehem], shall come a [leader] who will shepherd my people Israel.”

Then the word is used in Hebrews 13 for church leaders.

Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith. (Hebrews 13:7)

Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you. (Hebrews 13:17)

The second word for leaders is translated in various ways. The idea is “one who stands before” the people (proistēmi).

We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you. (1 Thessalonians 5:12)

Let the elders who rule [or govern] well be considered worthy of double honor, especially those who labor in preaching and teaching. (1 Timothy 5:17)

The third word is “overseer” (episkopos).

Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock, in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to [shepherd] the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood. (Acts 20:28)

An overseer, as God’s [household manager], must be above reproach. (Titus 1:7)

The fourth word, as we just saw, is “household manager” (oikonomos).

The Lord said, “Who then is the faithful and wise manager [of the household], whom his master will set over his household, to give them their portion of food at the proper time?” (Luke 12:42)

An overseer, as God’s [household manager], must be above reproach. (Titus 1:7)

The fifth word is “shepherd,” both as a verb (poimainein) and as a noun (poimēn).

Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock, in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to [shepherd] the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood. (Acts 20:28)

I exhort the elders among you . . . shepherd the flock of God that is among you. (1 Peter 5:1–2)

[Christ] gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers. (Ephesians 4:11)

The sixth word is “elder” (presbyteros).

They had appointed elders for them in every church. (Acts 14:23)

This is why I left you in Crete, so that you might . . . appoint elders in every town as I directed you. (Titus 1:5)

Let the elders who rule well be considered worthy of double honor, especially those who labor in preaching and teaching. (1 Timothy 5:17)

The seventh word is “teacher” (didaskalos).

[Christ] gave [to the church] the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers. (Ephesians 4:11)

An overseer must be . . . able to teach. (1 Timothy 3:2)

So, I conclude that it is God’s will that there be such leaders in all the churches. They go by different names to connote different emphases of their role:

“Leader,” connoting direction and guidance for the people.
“One who stands before,” connoting a chairman-like governance.
“Overseer,” connoting a watchful supervisory role.
“Household manager,” connoting administration, organization, stewardship.
“Shepherd,” connoting protecting, nourishing, guiding.
“Elder,” connoting mature, exemplary responsibility.
“Teacher,” connoting the impartation and explanation of truth.

I think it would be fair to say, to most of you in this room right now, “That’s who you are.” And therefore, the rest of this message should be of the highest relevance to you.

Step 2: Definition of Leadership

So, from those seven descriptions of leaders in the church, what can we infer about the nature or the definition of leadership? Three things.

First, when you see that these designations include guidance, governance, supervision, organization, modeling, and the application of truth to people’s lives, it’s obvious that the meaning of leadership is getting people from where they are to where God wants them to be. Moving toward a goal is implied in all these words. God does not put leaders in a group in order for them to aimlessly go in circles. He puts leaders in a group to take them from where they are to where he wants them to be — in their thinking, in their feeling, in their action, maybe in their geographic location. Leadership implies that there’s a goal and a movement of people toward a goal.

Second, when you see that these seven designations of leadership involve watchful supervision, governance, administration, organization, protection, nourishment, teaching, and being mature examples, it becomes obvious that God has certain ways, means, and methods for getting people to his goal. Christian leadership does not look mainly to the world for how to lead people. It looks mainly to God. What has God said? Not only “Where is he taking his people in faith and holiness and maturity and love and fruitfulness?” but also “What has he said about how leaders are to get them there? What are God’s methods for taking a people to his goal?”

Third, even though it is not explicit in any of these seven designations of leaders, there is a biblical banner flying in 1 Peter 4:11 over all Christian service — including leadership — which makes it explicit that Christian service is done in reliance upon God’s power, not our own.

As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies — in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 4:10–11)

So, essential to Christian leadership is God’s gifted leader, God’s goal, God’s methods, and God’s power. And we really should add one more thing to those components that is obvious but unmentioned — namely, that there are followers.

“Effective Christian leadership speaks the word of God and lives the word of God.”

I am not a leader if I know where I want people to go and nobody’s following — nobody’s looking to me for guidance or finding help in my ministry. And I’m not a leader if everybody’s following me, and I don’t have a goal for where they should go. And I’m not a Christian leader if the place I want them to go is not where God wants them to go, or my methods of getting them there are not God’s methods, or the strength I depend on is not God’s strength.

So, here’s my definition of Christian leadership:

Christian leadership is knowing where God wants people to be and taking the initiative to use God’s gifts and God’s methods to get them there in reliance on God’s power through Christ, with God’s appointed people following.

Whatever God calls his people to be, you get out in front of them and take them there.

If God calls them to trust the promises of God in the best and worst of times, you get out in front and take them there.
If God calls them to have unshakable hope in the face of cultural collapse, you get out in front and take them there.
If God calls them to be radically God-centered and Christ-exalting and Bible-saturated, you get out in front and take them there.
If God calls them to spread a passion for the supremacy of God in all things for the joy of all peoples through Christ, you get out in front and take them there.
If God calls them to be happy in all their suffering, you get out in front and take them there.
If God calls them to love their neighbors and make sacrifices for the needy, you get out in front and take them there.
If God calls them to be pure and holy and separate from the world, you get out in front and take them there.
If God calls them to be self-controlled and dignified and sober-minded, you get out in front and take them there.
If God calls them to be childlike and meek and gentle, you get out in front and take them there.
If God calls them to be as bold as a lion, you get out in front and take them there.
If God calls them to be generous and sacrificial in their giving, you get out in front and take them there.
If God calls them to be world Christians with a global mindset and a heart for unreached peoples, you get out in front and take them there.
If God calls them to lay down their lives for Christ, you get out in front and take them there.

Christian leadership in our churches is knowing where God wants people to be and taking the initiative to use God’s gifts and methods to get them there in reliance on God’s power through Christ, with God’s appointed people following. God’s gifted leader, God’s goal, God’s methods, God’s power, God’s appointed following.

Step 3: Cautions About Leadership

The first caution is about my own wording: “Get out in front and take them there.” “Get out in front” is a metaphor, not a geographical mandate. Because, in fact, the effective leader might be behind them, giving them a necessary push. Or he might be beside them, protecting them from assault on their flank. Or he might be underneath them, building foundations to hold them up. Or he might be hovering over them, saying, “Up here! Up here! Look up!” Or he might be smack-dab in the middle of them, suffering everything that they suffer. So, “get out in front,” means “embody the goal, and do whatever you have to do, and go wherever you have to go in God’s way, to get the people to where God wants them to be.”

The second caution comes from Jesus. He gives this warning more than once — namely, the warning not to use the position of leadership as a way to gratify the desire for self-exaltation. I’ll just mention one example:

A dispute also arose among [the apostles], as to which of them was to be regarded as the greatest [the desire to be recognized as greater than others]. And he said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them, and those in authority over them are called benefactors. But not so with you. Rather, let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves. For who is the greater, one who reclines at table or one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves.” (Luke 22:24–27)

The unmistakable point of Jesus’s words is this: “Let the leader become as one who serves.” That is, the aim of the leader is the good of the people, not the glory of his own name. He’s not out to be “regarded” as great (verse 24) or to be “called” a benefactor (verse 25). He lives for the good of his people — the temporal good and especially the eternal good.

Paul gave his commentary on Jesus’s words “exercise lordship” (kyrieuousin, verse 25) in 2 Corinthians 1:24: “Not that we lord it over [kyrieuomen] your faith, but we work with you for your joy, for you stand firm in your faith.” Paul, the leader, has a goal: the joy of your faith! And Paul, the leader, has a God-appointed method. And it is not lording it over them, but taking the form of a servant and working with them for their joy.

But before I leave the cautions, let me give a caution about the cautions. Luke 22:26 (“Let the . . . leader [become] as one who serves”), which is meant to make leaders humble and loving, is sometimes used to make leaders fearful and silent. The “Me Too” movement, multiple pastoral abuses, the indiscriminate disparaging of all biblical headship as toxic masculinity — these forces in our time are turning servant leadership into all servant and no leadership. When Jesus bound himself with a towel and got down on his knees and washed the disciples’ feet — like a servant — nobody in that room doubted for an instant who the leader was.

If you are in a staff meeting, or a meeting with the elders, or a congregational meeting, and a controversial issue arises, and someone goes to the microphone and gives an argument, and the argument is based on factual mistakes, or incomplete information, or unbiblical assumptions, or illogical reasoning, or emotional manipulation, and the congregation is being swayed by this presentation, your silence, pastor, meek as it may seem, is not servanthood. It’s either a failure of discernment or it’s cowardice. It is not leadership.

Your job at that moment is to go to the microphone and say to the person, “These two parts of what you said are true, but here’s the problem with what you said.” And you set the record straight with facts, biblical truth, and clear thinking. You will feel the people shifting back from error to truth. Dozens of godly people out there who could smell the error but couldn’t name it will be thankful for you, because you rose to the occasion as a leader, and you named the error so that people could see it. You served them well.

If you sit there and think, “If I stand up and correct this person, they will very likely accuse me of shaming and abusing them,” and you let that fear cause you to be silent in the name of humble, caring, servant leadership, you have failed your flock and acted like a hireling. Jesus told us, “Blessed are you when others revile you . . . and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account” (Matthew 5:11). So, the caution about the caution is this: Don’t let the spirit of the age define leadership. Trust God and be biblical.

Step 4: Implementation of Leadership

How do leaders lead successfully? Let’s zero in on the heart of the matter. When you take the seven designations of New Testament leaders (leading, governing, overseeing, managing, shepherding, modeling, teaching), every one of them cries out for God to speak:

In leading, I need to know from God where he wants his people to be.
In governing, I need to know from God how to govern.
In overseeing, I need to know from God what I am watching for in my supervision.
In managing, I need to know from God what I am organizing this people for.
In shepherding, I need to know from God what I should feed my sheep and what I need to protect them from.
In modeling, I need to know from God what kind of example I am to set.
And in teaching, I need to know from God what I am to teach.

Which brings us to my main text, Hebrews 13:7:

Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith.

This author draws out two things about these leaders and holds them up for us to see and imitate. First, they spoke the word of God. “Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God.”

Second, their way of life was such an exemplary walk of faith that its outcome was glorious and, therefore, worthy of imitation. “Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life [which probably means that they stayed true to Christ all the way to the end and died well], and imitate their faith.”

So, my summary for us would be this: effective Christian leadership speaks the word of God and lives the word of God. Your calling as leader in the church is to speak the word of God and live the word of God.

And so, I turn finally to illustrate this leadership of speaking the word of God and living the word of God.

Step 5: Illustrations of Leadership

Let’s flesh out this way of leading with two practical implications for the pastor.

Knowing Ultimate Reality

First, if effective leadership speaks and lives the word of God, your lifelong, unwavering vocation, your lifelong priority, is to handle God’s word, the Bible, in such a way that you penetrate through its carefully construed sentences to the reality it is meant to communicate. The ultimate thing about the Bible is not that God spoke sentences and paragraphs (which he did), but that with sentences and paragraphs God revealed reality. Rightly understood propositions and narratives are a window onto reality, what really is.

And the main reality that the Bible reveals is God. “The Lord appeared . . . at Shiloh, for the Lord revealed himself to Samuel at Shiloh by the word of the Lord” (1 Samuel 3:21). Brothers, do you realize what a glorious calling you have? To spend all your life beholding ultimate reality, beholding God, through his word! Knowing God, knowing ultimate reality, through his word!

Or consider Ephesians 3:4: “When you read this [Paul’s letter], you can perceive my insight into the mystery of Christ.” When you move into the sentences of Ephesians and through them into ultimate reality, you perceive the mystery of Christ and how it relates to all things.

“If you know ultimate reality, you know the most important thing about all reality.”

Knowing the ultimate reality of God and Christ through the word of God, on the one hand, and being formed in your mind and emotions and actions by that reality, on the other hand, are not separate acts of the Christian leader. Why? Because you become what you behold. “We all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another” (2 Corinthians 3:18).

And four verses later, Paul tells us where we behold this ultimate reality, this glory. Second Corinthians 4:4 says that, when satanic blindness is removed, we see “the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.” We behold God in Christ in the gospel — that is, in the word of God. This is the lifelong vocation of the Christian leader: penetrating through the propositions and narratives of the Bible to ultimate reality — God in Christ, and how he relates to everything. Then speaking it and living it before your people. A glorious calling!

Applying Ultimate Reality

Second, we need to realize that what we know and become through this lifelong encounter with ultimate reality through God’s word is very limited in this life, yet it is without limit in its relevance and application to everything. What does that mean?

During my 33 years as a pastor, few things threatened to paralyze me in ministry like the endless stream of proposals for how I should do ministry. A constant stream of articles and seminars and lectures and courses and degrees and programs and books and videos and conferences, not even to mention the whole universe of knowledge of culture and politics and business and industry and education and philosophy and geography and anthropology and history and physics and chemistry and astronomy and sociology and psychology and literature and entertainment and medicine and and and . . .

Do you realize that, compared to what can be known, we don’t know anything? This is demoralizing and paralyzing for a leader whose job is to take his people where they’re supposed to go.

Except for this. And this is what kept me going for 33 years, and keeps me going today: Our encounter with ultimate reality through God’s word is without limit in its relevance and application to everything.

If you know God through his word and have insight into the mystery of Christ, then what you know and what you are becoming is without limit in its relevance to everything. Why is that?

Because ultimate reality relates to all reality. Ultimate reality is the most significant thing about all reality. Ultimate reality is the most important factor to know in relation to all reality. If you know ultimate reality, you know the most important thing about all reality. Which means you can walk into any conversation, anywhere in the world, about any topic in the world, and have the most important thing to say in that conversation.

They might be talking about the microscopic machinery inside the human cell. They might be talking about the mathematical calculations that enable you to land a rover on Mars with pinpoint accuracy. They might be talking about bizarre cultural customs of a tribe you’ve never heard of. Do you think you are a small player in those conversations?

If you have penetrated through the Bible into ultimate reality — to God and his creation and providence and Christ and redemption — you know the most important thing in every conversation on any topic anywhere in the world. Here’s what you can say:

God made this. He made it to reveal his glory. His aim is that it move you to worship him. If you don’t see it, it’s because you are blind in your sin. God has made a way so that this blindness can be forgiven and removed. Jesus Christ died and rose again for that. So, if you embrace him as your Savior and Lord and Treasure, you can know what these cells and equations and customs are ultimately about, which means your work can have ultimate meaning. You can turn your entire science and enterprise into an act of worship.

Take heart from this, glory in this, that what your people need from you is not that you know all reality, but that you know, and are formed by, ultimate reality — that you know what God has revealed about himself in his word, and that it has shaped your life. Your leadership is to speak that reality and live that reality — to speak the word of God and to live the word of God.

Spend your life this way, and someone will say of you someday, “Remember your leader, the one who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of his way of life, and imitate his faith.”

Audio Transcript

The battle against lust. That’s the topic this week — and the topic of many weeks before, and one of the most dominant themes in the history of our podcast, as you can see in the APJ book. There’s a time to defeat lust at the root, with the cross. That’s the theme that we’re going to pick up next time. But first, there’s a time to confront patterns of lust in others. That’s today, in this heartbreaking email from a surprised wife.

“Hello, Pastor John. My husband and I are both believers, married for decades, with a great marriage and solid relationship. Or so I thought. He never gave me any reason for doubt. He’s an elder in our local church. We’ve raised four children together, all happily married and serving the Lord in different capacities. But I recently discovered on his phone that he reads erotica — fictional stories filled with explicit sexual content. It’s not visual images or videos, not porn in the traditional sense, but lurid descriptions in written prose. It was very disturbing to me. He’s a well-respected businessman of integrity, so discovering this dark secret is disturbing and discouraging. How sinful is this genre? Should I confront him with it? I love him dearly, and he has been a very dedicated and loving husband, and I don’t want to jeopardize my relationship with him.”

It is seriously sinful, and you should definitely confront your husband with this. If he thinks it is insignificant and does not compromise his role as a church leader, then you should encourage him to share this with his fellow leaders, elders, and show them what he’s reading and confirm that they approve. I don’t doubt that this is a disqualifying sinful pattern. He needs to forsake this and seek forgiveness and purity of heart.

Now, I think maybe the most helpful thing I could do is to assist you in your difficult confrontation of your husband. So, what I want to do is give you — and anybody else who wants to listen in — ten questions that he should ask himself and that you can print out. (I don’t even know, Tony, whether all the people who listen to APJ realize that you have these transcribed, and then, when we post them on Desiring God, people can not only listen, but they can print them out. I’m drawing attention to that here because I think what might be helpful for this woman to do is to go to DG and print out these ten questions.)

“The heart is the primary seat of holiness, and the ear is as good a pathway of corruption as is the eye.”

And maybe you should go over them with your husband. I don’t think you should be at all ashamed that you sought out counsel about how to deal with this issue. You didn’t betray any confidences. Nobody knows but you and he what you’re dealing with. Nor do I think you should be ashamed of getting help in formulating these questions (namely, help from me). That’s what we do; that’s what we are in the ministry for. All of us are doing things to help each other. So, here are my ten questions that I think he should ask.

I would just say to all of our listeners, ask yourself these questions with regard to what you’re watching on TV, what you’re watching on videos, what you’re listening to, what kind of audiobooks you’re listening to, podcasts you’re listening to. These are really, really helpful questions for me, and I hope they will be for others.

Ten Searching Questions

Question 1: In this erotic reading, are you seeking and setting your mind on the things that are above, where Christ is?

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. (Colossians 3:1–2)

Question 2: In this erotic reading, are you setting your mind on things of the flesh or of the Spirit?

Those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. (Romans 8:5–6)

Question 3: In this erotic reading, are you thinking about what is honorable and pure and lovely and commendable?

Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Philippians 4:8)

Question 4: In this erotic reading, are you cultivating a heart that can see God?

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. (Matthew 5:8)

Are you helping that along?

Question 5: In this erotic reading, are you mistakenly assuming that the worst temptations come through the eye, not the ear?

But the temptation that ruined the whole world in Genesis 3 came through the ear, from Satan’s voice. And so did the temptation of Jesus in the wilderness. The heart is the primary seat of holiness, and the ear is as good a pathway of corruption as is the eye.

Question 6: In this erotic reading, would you mind if your fellow elders or church leaders knew what you were reading, or are you content to be a hypocrite?

Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. (Matthew 23:27–28)

Question 7: In this erotic reading, do you pray with David for a pure heart?

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10)

Are you praying that as you go there?

Question 8: In this erotic reading, are you setting up a base of operations for the flesh?

Put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision [literally, make no base of operations] for the flesh, to gratify its desires. (Romans 13:14)

Question 9: Is this erotic reading a sign of failing faith?

[The Holy Spirit] made no distinction between us [Jews] and [those Gentiles], having cleansed their hearts by faith. (Acts 15:9)

That’s what faith does: it purifies, it cleanses the heart. If this isn’t happening, faith is in a perilous condition.

Question 10: In this erotic reading, can Christ read it with you, or are you pushing him away and saying, in effect, that this lust is more desirable than fellowship with Christ?

God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. (1 Corinthians 1:9)

The Christian life is fellowship — sweet, close communion with Christ. Is that fellowship sustained through your erotic reading? Is he welcome to read along, or are you pushing him away?

Courageous Confrontation

Now, my counsel is that you — I’m speaking to the wife now — pray earnestly for the courage to confront your husband and that you pray for the preparation of his heart to receive your words.

I might just add that I don’t believe this humble, prayerful confrontation needs to be a contradiction of this wife’s heart of submission to her husband. Submission has never meant the endorsement of or the participation in a husband’s sin. In fact, the willingness to take the risk and point her husband to the Lord can be a beautiful act of submissive self-sacrifice in the service of her husband’s holiness. That’s what we’re going to pray for.