Written by Samuel D. James |
Tuesday, February 21, 2023
The whole reason to call out church abuse wherever it happens is because the church is beautiful and valuable and immortal, and Satan, the master abuser, wants church to look more like him instead. To the degree that abuse awareness hands people a mirror and tells them they can only be truly safe at home, it surrenders the whole game to the enemy himself.

My review of When Narcissism Comes to Church generated some of the more pointed pushback I’ve ever received from those I would consider generally in my theological/political tribe. My friend John Starke thought I mis-characterized the book. Mike Cosper agreed with this, and went further to explain why the book is valuable even at those points where my description might hold up. In one interesting section, Cosper offers a scenario where Chuck DeGroat’s framework could be helpfully applied:
If you confront a narcissist and say, “You’re prideful, abusive, and manipulative of others,” you’ll likely get one of two responses. You might hear them say, “That’s simply not true — I’m deeply insecure and I’m surrounded by people who tell me they don’t think I’m abusive and confront me when they think I’m wrong.” In this case, that’s likely all true! The confrontation fails to consider the way the individual’s pathology makes them profoundly blind to their own sins and motivations, and it fails to account for the way modern society incentivizes others to attach themselves to narcissists. The outcome is often a mealy-mouthed, “I’m sorry for the way my behavior made you feel” apology.
On the other hand, you might hear them address the accusation directly, saying, “I struggle deeply with pride, tell me who I’ve sinned against and I’ll apologize.” In this case if there is a kind of narcissistic pathology at work, they can easily perform these tasks again and again. Critics might continue to say, “They’re abusive,” but co-leaders can point to the acts of repentance and attempts at reconciliation as evidence of a malleable heart. That’s all the more likely within a system that’s benefitting from a narcissist’s charisma and energy.
DeGroat’s framework challenges us to consider the more complex interaction between sin and suffering at the heart of the behavior. By understanding narcissism as a psychological defense, a built-in response to internalized trauma and grief, we see a different kind of inroad for caring for the soul of a narcissist. They can be confronted with their sin and its impact on a community while also being shown connections between that behavior and their deeper wounds. It does nothing to diminish the power of sin and the need for the cross to do so. In fact, it expands the way we can see its power — addressing not only the sins that we might have committed, but the power of sin to malform us.
Now, what I think is particularly instructive about what Cosper writes here is that he’s offered a mini-case study of confronting an abusive leader, and in this case study, there is no question that the accusation of narcissism and abuse is valid. Cosper’s case study envisions two endings to such a confrontation: either the leader will blame-shift, or they will try to pacify the accuser by appearing to “repent.” In either case, Cosper’s illustration presumes that the person being confronted really is a genuine narcissist, and with this assurance and using DeGroat’s ideas, the accuser can be equipped to see through even an apparent confession and apology. In other words, Cosper is saying that we need DeGroat’s book in order to really hold narcissistic leaders accountable, because otherwise we might be fooled by their apologies and their apparent contrition. Without doing the thick psychoanalytical work—identifying past traumas, naming one’s insecurities, perhaps even taking the Enneagram—we are at the mercy of having to take a narcissist at his word.
In the very beginning of my review, however, I offered a much different hypothetical scenario:
You are approached by two people in your church, both people that you know, love, and trust with equal measure. Person A needs to tell you something about Person B. Person B, according to Person A, has been spiritually abusing them. Person B has been using their leadership and influence to convince other people that Person A’s beliefs and opinions are wrong. Moreover, according to A, Person B has persisted in a pattern of manipulation toward A: saying things to belittle, minimize, or ignore A. Person A feels incredibly victimized by Person B, and does not know how they can persevere at this church while Person B remains.
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Mediate upon your glorious God and how His character is perfectly matched to meet your need. Then have a single-minded devotion for the LORD to be glorified even in your troubles. That is the pathway to be troubled and thankful. At the end of the day, although David’s trouble was great, he saw his God as greater.  And although his affliction was heavy, he saw the glory of God to be weightier. This is what enabled David to give thanks in his trouble.

A few years ago, I read a news report about a woman who had been kicked off her airline flight because her “emotional support pig” became disruptive. The article explained that support animals had become an increasingly common way for people to cope with stress. Now, I do not know whether such a thing is helpful. In fact, since reading that report, it crossed my mind while flying that I would prefer a support pig in the seat next to me instead of the current occupant. But what I do know is that people are looking for any and every way to cope with life’s troubles.
For many, holidays are a mixture of joy and sadness. For some, a loved one died around a holiday or it is the first holiday since he or she passed. That memory becomes an ever-present reality amidst all the festivities. For others, the holidays reopen the wounds of a strained or broken relationship. Whatever the case may be, many people find themselves feeling troubled during the holidays. Therefore, how should Christians process the stress and heartaches of life, especially as we approach a holiday like Thanksgiving? How do I give thanks when my spirit is deeply troubled?
The good news is that Scripture offers us a surer and a more lasting way to respond to the troubles in our life. As I have faced my own trials, Psalm 86 has been of great encouragement to me.
Psalm 86
David’s psalm has a solemn and somber mood to it. It is called a psalm of lament. David feels alone, isolated, and troubled. He ultimately cries out for God’s help and deliverance. The specific trouble is not revealed until verse 14 where David announces that there are men seeking to kill him.
Now, this should cause us to pay close attention because David’s trouble is not a trivial thing. Whatever your trouble may be, it is likely that it is not someone trying to take your life. My point is not to say, “Whatever trouble you’re facing, David had it worse.” One answer the world gives to cope with our problems is to remind us that there is always someone who has it worse. But that is not my intention, nor is it the way Scripture addresses our troubles. I do not seek to diminish or dismiss whatever trouble you are facing right now, but to emphasize that David’s example can encourage you because he is in a very dark place. And if God can help David there, he can surely help you wherever you are.
Furthermore, amid men seeking to kill him, David is brought to say, “I will give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with all my heart” (v. 12). And this thanksgiving is expressed to the Lord before David tells the Lord what troubles him or before he asks the Lord to be delivered from his plight. He is troubled and thankful.
But how do we get there? Well, David shows us the way.
David Meditates Upon His Need for the LORD
Even though David feels overwhelmed by his circumstances, he is driven to God in prayer. What is remarkable about his prayer is how long it takes him to give the details of his problem. I often find the first thing I do is express my problem to God. But that is not where David begins.
In verses 1-4, David recognizes his needy condition and comes to God in complete and utter dependence. He knows there is nothing he can do for himself and comes like a child to his father who knows there is no one else who can truly help him.
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The Psalms in their entirety speak of God’s promised Messiah-King. He is the “blessed man” who exemplifies the righteous life that Psalm 1 portrays. He is the King whose enemies will become His footstool (Pss. 2; 110:1). He is the righteous sufferer who epitomizes trust in the Lord (Ps. 22).  They poignantly remind us that the pattern of death and resurrection that was etched into the holy humanity of the Lord Jesus Christ is the pattern that the Holy Spirit seeks to replicate in the lives of all God’s children.

The book of Psalms was the songbook our Lord Jesus Christ sang from every Sabbath. In today’s church we have a myriad of songbooks; in Jesus’ day there was but one songbook: the 150 songs contained in the Psalter. How well do we know the Savior’s songbook?
1. The book of Psalms was written over a period of one thousand years.
Psalm 90, a psalm of Moses, was probably the earliest psalm, written around 1500 BC. It is difficult to know when the last psalm was composed, but Psalm 126, which begins, “When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream,” probably refers to Israel’s return from exile in 537 BC. 
2. Approximately 40 percent of the psalms are laments.
Out of the 150 psalms, fifty-nine are laments, songs composed in a spiritual and theological minor key. There are psalms of unqualified joy and delight, such as Psalm 47. But why so many laments? The life of faith, personal and corporate, is lived in a fallen world and opposed by the flesh, the world, and the devil. Jesus told His disciples, “In the world you will have tribulation” (John 16:33). The Psalms give heart expression to the struggles, sorrows, weariness, perplexities, and failures that are the daily experience of every believer. Think of these words from Psalm 44:
In God we have boasted continually,and we will give thanks to your name forever. Selah
But you have rejected us and disgraced usand have not gone out with our armies.You have made us turn back from the foe,and those who hate us have gotten spoil.You have made us like sheep for slaughterand have scattered us among the nations. (Ps. 44:8–11)
Jesus would have sung these words as He stood before His Father representing His people. Or think of these words from Psalm 51, King David’s song of repentance after the tragedy of his sin with Bathsheba:
Have mercy on me, O God,according to your steadfast love;according to your abundant mercyblot out my transgressions.Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions,and my sin is ever before me. (Ps. 51:1–3)
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