When conflict does arise, there is a clear crossroads to consider. Will you respond in the same manner as last time, or choose a different and better path? The work that has already been done to understand and address your heart, responsibility, and sin now gives you the opportunity to respond in love when these temptations strike. It is love that combats the effects of sin through conflict. To actively face conflict with sacrificial love adds a new dynamic to the circumstance. 

There are many truisms in life that have been handed down from one generation to another. To name a few: “Don’t run with scissors,” “Back up your hard drive,” and my favorite, “It takes two to tango.” In life, interpersonal conflict happens when two people at odds with one another are combative and seek only to fulfill their unmet ruling desires (James 4:1-5). This dance can go on for decades. However, it can be hard to have an ongoing conflict if one or both remove themselves from the dance of toxic conflict—not through fleeing the circumstances but by engaging differently in the transforming work of the gospel (1 Cor. 5:14-15; Rom. 6:10-11; 5:1-5; 8:28-30).
Have you ever tried to fight with someone who is responding biblically with kindness? It’s tough. The next time you find yourself in conflict, consider the following pathway. It begins with removing yourself from the equation by applying these biblical principles:
Consider Your Heart (Prov. 4:23; Heb. 4:12; James 1:13-15)
When conflict strikes, the tendency is to consider the circumstances by first focusing on what has happened to you. It is interesting to observe that different people and personalities respond differently to the same set of circumstances. The fire of interpersonal conflict starts from within, not outside of us. To help address the issue, we first must ask, “Why did this circumstance bother me so much?” In many cases, this requires some help. For example, asking God for help to see your desires accurately. It could also involve asking a friend to give perspective and insight on how you are interpreting the situation. Journaling, along with Scripture meditation, is a helpful tool to engage with what is in one’s heart. It brings words and descriptions to what is in the heart. Looking at words on paper can bring perspective and help you see yourself accurately.
Clarify Your Responsibility (Rom. 12:1-3; Phil. 4:8; Ps. 139:23-24)
When it comes to conflict, most people take the “car accident approach” to dealing with their problems. This means they quickly assess the percentage of the conflict the other person is responsible for to determine the effort required to make things better. In other words, if I’m only 1% at fault, then they should be doing 99% of the work to make things better. Taking yourself out of the equation in conflict means starting with your responsibility first. In fact, even if you are 1% at fault, you are still 100% responsible for those actions before God and others.
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Never underestimate a well-informed conscience. The decision to lovingly confront or to lovingly overlook will ultimately come down to our conviction of what we understand and are persuaded to do out of a heart of worship. The desire to make the right choice is usually motivated by not wanting to make the wrong choice. In the end, the only choice is the one where we act in a manner that seeks to be faithful to God and His Word. That is always the righteous choice.

In everyday life, there are interactions with loved ones that are difficult. Issues of life that are impacted by personal sin and hardships create tension in relationships and could directly harm others. The question often asked is, “Should I confront this issue or overlook it?” That is a good question, and as we look to the Bible for God’s revelation on the issue, there seems to be visible tension on how to answer it.
There are commands in Scripture for believers to address sin in the lives of those they love (Eph. 4:29; Col. 3:16). This command makes the directive that as a connected body of believers, we have a responsibility to pursue holiness together (Heb. 3:12-13). We take responsibility for our own pursuit of holiness but also bear the burden of caring for others toward that same goal. On the other hand, there are directives in Scripture that promote overlooking sin as an act of mercy (1 Pet. 4:8; Prov. 19:11). This command also considers the process of change that requires interpersonal longsuffering and patience in walking with others through areas of sin and spiritual growth (1 Thess. 5:14; 2 Cor. 2:5-8). These commands do not condone sinful actions but offer another pathway to help in the spiritual development of our fellow Christ-followers; namely, that we would not confront the instance of transgression but rather overlook it, giving room for immaturities to be developed over time.
What are we to do? I asked the question under consideration to Chat GPT (an artificial intelligence chatbot), and this was the response: “As a language model, I cannot offer a definitive answer on how Christians should approach confronting or overlooking sin, as this can be a complex and nuanced topic that can vary based on individual circumstances and personal convictions.”
Even AI can identify that this issue is a place to apply wisdom to each circumstance and not a one size fits all approach. Many try to resolve the tension by over-correcting on either side of the issue: confronting every issue or overlooking every offense. There is a better way. The Bible gives a framework that helps us as the people of God to faithfully walk through every circumstance in a manner that is worthy of the calling that we have been called. The following are some principles for discerning when to confront or when to overlook sin or weakness.
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Evangelism is often demanding and intimidating. Overemphasizing self-care could discourage evangelistic efforts that feel too demanding for the individual Christian. But counterintuitively, the spiritual growth and wellness of a Christ-follower are enhanced when he or she engages the lost world with the hope of the gospel. Avoiding evangelism (or simply trying to make it easier) won’t lead to flourishing inside or outside the church. Faithful evangelism, by contrast, leads to joy.

In recent years, a new vision of human flourishing has entered the church: self-care. “Self-care” is now one of the most common terms used to discuss personal and spiritual health, and it means different things to different people. It can be used to reference basic needs like sleep and exercise, or bingeing a new show, or prayer retreats in the woods.
On the surface, self-care seems like an unarguable commitment—of course we need to care for ourselves. But when cultural messages about self-care aren’t reframed by biblical principles of mutual care, this can negatively affect us personally, and a church’s culture corporately. The church that prioritizes care for self over care for others will suffer shallow relationships, a misunderstanding of sanctification, and complacency in evangelism.
Balance Self-Care and Mutual Care
The gospel’s beauty shines when we no longer live for ourselves but lovingly care for others out of a transformed heart (2 Cor. 5:11–21). After all, spiritual growth begins in the heart, but it manifests through intentional expressions of care for others (Col. 3:1–4:6).
There’s no either-or here. Our churches should prioritize the healthy development of the self but do so cautiously, lest we neglect the beauty and belonging that come when a local church practices the New Testament’s one-another commands.
Growth Needs Friends
Self-care without mutual care seldom produces deep and vulnerable relationships. It instead promotes isolation and self-protection. If this tendency is unaddressed, a church can become a place filled with individuals but not brothers and sisters.
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Hard conversations are not easy and certainly take thoughtful consideration to be meaningful and effective. Understanding the art and science of having hard conversations begins with the conviction and motivation to have it in the first place.

One of the most common crossroads I encounter when counseling those dealing with anticipating a hard conversation is helping them “want to want” to have the conversation. Of course, I empathize—you would have to be spiritually masochistic to enjoy the possibility of an uncomfortable conversation. Hard conversations range the spectrum from awkward moments to unwelcomed confrontations. However, there is a crossroad of conviction that we must navigate to compel ourselves to pursue something unlovely with genuine love.[1] Let’s consider a few of the compelling reasons and practical considerations for having the hard conversation.
1. We Have a Responsibility to One Another (1 Cor. 12:16; Heb. 3:12-14)
A foundational motivation towards having a hard conversation is a sincere concern about the wellbeing of our brothers and sisters in Christ. The belonging we share in Christ compels our love to move towards those in need of insight or care. These moments are not always welcomed or easy. The difference between immaturity and immorality can be difficult to discern in understanding people and their problems. The motivation to move toward one another is a familial-based motivation moving beyond friendship and collegial niceties. Belonging that is mutually dependent and interrelated is the blessing of the redeemed household of God.
2. We Have the Ability to Live in the Truth (Col. 3:1-4, 16-17; Rom. 12:1-3)
The defining characteristic of the transformational work of the gospel is our ability to live in the truth. Our hearts are prone to deception because of our sin, but the renewing of our minds, according to the Word and the Spirt, brings the capacity to both understand and live in the truth. The recognition of reality is a sobering task, but the gospel reframes and always gives pathways with eternal hope. Living in the truth of the gospel (as applied to the realities of the human experience) does not remove the harsh realities of life. Still, it does categorically and practically give perspective and pathways to living rightly with confidence and hope. Having a hard conversation is not simply addressing hardships but pursuing hope and help to live rightly in the truth.
3. We Have a Calling of Gospel Witness (1 John 4:11-12; John 13:35)
How we live matters. The truth of Scripture is visible not only in the pages of God’s Word but in the actions of our lives. Pursuing one another through the challenges of hard conversations to live rightly before God and others is counter-cultural. When the church displays unity within an immense diversity of cultures, personalities, and life experiences, it proclaims the transforming work of our reconciliation with God and one another. Moving towards one another through hard conversations is motivated not primarily by interpersonal health but the testimony of the gospel.
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