How To Ruin a Perfectly Good Friendship

A friend and I recently realized that we have not been spending as much time together as we would like. We agreed it is high time to do something about it. But what to do?
We put our heads together and determined that we will deliberately build time for one another into our schedules. But we also determined that we need to maximize those times together. To ensure this we will go through an evaluation process to consider whether they were as meaningful as they could possibly have been. Did we listen attentively to one another? Did we avoid speaking about the minutia of life and discuss only things that are of the highest consequence? Did each of us spend the appropriate portion of the time speaking and the appropriate portion listening? Days later, can we remember all that the other person said? Did we wring every possible bit of value out of each moment?
I’m just making this up, of course. To do any of that would make a friendship burdensome instead of free. Such intense evaluation and introspection would rob the friendship of warmth and life and instead leave it bound by rules and regret. In fact, it would be a great way to utterly ruin a perfectly good friendship.
Yet there are so many Christians who relate to the Lord in just this way. The Christian faith offers the ability to have a genuine relationship with God himself, a relationship in which we speak and God listens and in which God speaks and we listen. We speak to God through praise and prayer and God speaks to us through Scripture and Spirit. It’s a wondrous and beautiful privilege we enjoy.
At least, it’s a wondrous and beautiful privilege we are meant to enjoy. But so often we fail to enjoy it because we bind it up in rules. Instead of just appreciating a relationship, we constantly assess it. Instead of appreciating the moments we spent together, we lament that we did not make more of them. Soon enough we find that we associate the relationship more with sorrow than pleasure, more with guilt than enjoyment. We undermine and even ruin a perfectly good friendship.
But freedom comes when we simply free ourselves to enjoy the relationship. Freedom comes when we speak freely, when we speak openly, when we speak about any and everything rather than only what is of the greatest consequence. Freedom comes when we stop being morbidly introspective about the relationship and simply enjoy it as a good and wonderful gift of grace.
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New and Notable Christian Books for May 2023
Though May has come and gone, it proved to be a good month for Christian book releases. I sorted through the stacks that landed on my desk and arrived at this list of new and notables. In each case I’ve provided the editorial description to give you a sense of what it’s all about. I hope there’s something here that catches your eye!
ESV Teen Study Bible. The new ESV Teen Study Bible is targeted at teens from 14 to 18 years of age and is available in a variety of cover styles and treatments. “Our world today pushes an endless number of distractions and temptations, which is why having faithful and accessible biblical resources for teens is more important than ever. Edited by pastor Jon Nielson, the ESV Teen Study Bible features numerous study and resource materials–including 12,000 accessible study notes adapted from the ESV Concise Study Bible, 365 devotions adapted from God’s Great Story by Jon Nielson, and 200 sidebars defining key doctrines and helping teens apply Scripture to their own lives. It also has full-page introductions for each biblical book, more than 150 maps and illustrations, an extensive glossary and concordance, and over a dozen topical articles. These features help facilitate deep engagement with the Scriptures, impacting the minds, hearts, and lives of teen followers of Christ.” (Buy it at Amazon or Westminster Books)
Knowing God’s Truth: An Introduction to Systematic Theology by Jon Nielson. And speaking of Jon Nielson, here’s another new resource with his name on it. Note that there is both an optional workbook and DVD to go with it. “When you consider theology, you may think of confusing, lofty terminology that only concerns scholars and pastors. But in reality, theology is for anyone who wants to better understand God and learn more about the Bible. Theology—the study of God and his word—should be personal, accessible, and worshipful. Pastor Jon Nielson has written Knowing God’s Truth, a part of the Theology Basics suite, to make systematic theology clear, meaningful, and practical for those looking for a highly accessible guide to studying God. In this introduction, Nielson defines systematic theology as “theological study done in a highly organized, topical way” and covers the 12 basic categories—Scripture, man, sin, church, and more. He also helps readers learn to apply theology in their everyday lives by integrating invitations to pray and meditate on what they’ve learned.” (Buy it at Amazon or Westminster Books)
Unmissable Church: Why You Need Church and Church Needs You by Richard Sweatman & Antony Barraclough. “Modern life is a constant struggle between competing priorities, and for Christians especially so on Sundays. How can we juggle all the demands on our time and still make church a priority? Why is there sometimes such a disconnect between the Bible’s captivating vision for church and our experience of it? In Unmissable Church, Antony Barraclough and Richard Sweatman combine meticulous research, practical advice and pastoral warmth. They explore the reasons why it’s sometimes difficult to make it to church and what we can do about it. The issues of broken relationships, conflicting priorities, health concerns and more are treated with empathy and encouragement. Whether you are a leader looking to understand what’s keeping people away from church, a regular attender who wants to encourage others to gather more often, or someone who finds weekly attendance a challenge, this book will bring you greater clarity and perspective.” (Buy it at Amazon or Matthias Media)
Susannah Spurgeon: Lessons for a Life of Joyful Eagerness in Christ by Mary Mohler. “Have you heard of Spurgeon? Preacher, evangelist and stalwart patriarch of the Modern Western Church today. If the cliché ‘behind every great man is a strong woman’, is true, then Susannah Spurgeon remains one of the matriarchs of the same tradition. Spurgeon was the bone companion of her husband. As a pastoral assistant, as Charles’ wife and support through trials, this woman’s biography has been a long time coming. Mary Mohler has gathered information on Susie from sources spanning letters, devotionals and biographies. The result is a thoughtful, sympathetic and endearing epitaph to a sister in Christ, whose voice can no longer be ignored. Mohler allows room for academics, mothers, daughters and wives to dwell on Spurgeon’s joyful eagerness in Christ.” (Buy it at Amazon or Westminster Books)
Do Not Be True to Yourself: Countercultural Advice for the Rest of Your Life by Kevin DeYoung. “Most speeches addressed to high school and college students follow a similar theme: march to the beat of your own drum. This may sound encouraging on the surface, but Scripture exhorts believers to submit their lives to the will of God, not their own desires. Christian students need gospel-centered truth to guide them on their journey toward independence. In this collection of inspiring sermons and graduation speeches, Kevin DeYoung delivers a motivational, biblical call to young people: serve God faithfully—and if necessary, counter-culturally—in the next season of your life. Do Not Be True to Yourself includes practical advice for cultivating a Christ-centered worldview in every area of adult life, including relationships, work, church participation, and spiritual growth, making it a transformational resource for mentoring students.” (Buy it at Amazon or Westminster Books)
Called to Be Holy: The Discipline of the Church by Jeremy Walker. “Discipline is not a dirty word. Any group which is united and effective embraces discipline to promote the health and strength of the group as a whole and its survival over time. The same is true of the church of Jesus Christ, serving and striving together so that Christ is formed in every member. This booklet is a concise summary of the principles and the practices Christ has given for the holiness of his church. Jeremy Walker skillfully explains the assumptions that lie behind church discipline, grounded in the identity of the church and activity of the church of God. The text looks at the God-ordained purposes of corrective discipline, and the reasons why a church might have to pursue this course. Called to Be Holy offers practical advice as to how such discipline ought to be carried out in the church of Jesus Christ, it speaks to the nature of church discipline, in its more positive and negative aspects, and it identifies love as the primary motive behind any discipline in the church. Ultimately, the church of the living God needs to respond righteously when there is sin in her midst. God has not left us alone in this! Wisely and graciously, the Head of the church has told us how and why the church must discipline unrepentant sin.” (Buy it at Amazon)
Christ and the Culture Wars: Speaking for Jesus in a World of Identity Politics by Benjamin Chang. “In our modern world the gospel of Jesus is seen by many less as good news for all humanity, and more as the bigoted edicts of a bygone era. Benjamin Chang explores the stories of the revolution, tracing the trajectories of four of the biggest social justice movements—feminism, racial justice, gay pride and the trans movement—before looking at the ways Christians usually engage with these arenas of cultural conflict (mirror, argue, ignore) and identifying a better way forward. Rather than hunkering down in our own identity tribes, arguing against other groups, or ignoring what is going on in the culture around us, Chang encourages Christians to find ways to speak for Jesus. He urges us to look at the way we tell stories, and consider whether we can re-capture hearts in our culture by telling a more powerful counter-narrative. He gives us language to use to speak about the cross in our world of identity politics. We will see that the gospel resonates with a culture when it speaks the language of the culture.” (Buy it at Amazon or Westminster Books)
Short of Glory: A Biblical and Theological Exploration of the Fall by Mitchell L. Chase. “When looking around at the world, it is easy to see that all is not as it should be. This brokenness within the world and humanity finds its roots in mankind’s rebellion against God. The fall, as recorded in Genesis 3, sets the stage for creation’s need for redemption—ultimately found in Jesus Christ. In this book, pastor and professor Mitchell Chase argues that in order to understand the fall and recognize its profound impact on later Scripture and the world today, Christians must first understand Genesis 3. Chase identifies themes found in Genesis 3—temptation, shame, messianic hope, and more—and shows how they reverberate throughout the rest of the storyline of Scripture. Understanding Adam and Eve’s fall is crucial to understanding the world as it currently is and the need for redemption through Jesus.” (Buy it at Amazon or Westminster Books)
Raising Confident Kids in a Confusing World: A Parent’s Guide to Grounding Identity in Christ by Ed Drew. “As our children grow up, they hear many conflicting messages about who they are. They are told that they can define themselves by their achievements or popularity, or by how they feel, and that sexuality, morality and gender are just questions of personal choice. Too often, Christian parents feel nervous and intimidated about engaging with their children on the subjects of bodies, gender, sexuality and their sense of self. This warm and realistic book helps parents to show their children that the Bible has better answers than our culture on these topics, which are neither surprising nor confusing to our creator God. Full of biblical truth, practical wisdom and discussion questions, this book will inspire and equip parents to help their children find their identity in being made and loved by Jesus. An identity based on God’s love will help Children to have both a positive and a realistic view of themselves, and it will give them confidence to live by faith in a secular world.” (Buy it at Amazon or Westminster Books)
Bulwarks of Unbelief: Atheism and Divine Absence in a Secular Age by Joseph Minich. “Millions of people in the West identify as atheists. Christians often respond to this reality with proofs of God’s existence, as though rational arguments for atheism were the root cause of unbelief. In Bulwarks of Unbelief, Joseph Minich argues that a felt absence of God, as experienced by the modern individual, offers a better explanation for the rise in atheism. Recent technological and cultural shifts in the modern West have produced a perceived challenge to God’s existence. As modern technoculture reshapes our awareness of reality and belief in the invisible, it in turn amplifies God’s apparent silence. In this new context, atheism is a natural result. And absent of meaning from without, we have turned within. Christians cannot escape this aspect of modern life. Minich argues that we must consciously and actively return to reality. If we reattune ourselves to God’s story, reintegrate the whole person, and reinhabit the world, faith can thrive in this age of unbelief.” (Buy it at Amazon or Westminster Books)
Worthy: Living in Light of the Gospel by Sinclair Ferguson. “While Jesus offers forgiveness for believers who sin, Scripture makes it clear that Christians are to pursue obedience and holiness. So what does it mean to walk in a manner that’s “worthy of the gospel of Christ” (Phil. 1:27), and how should that look in the life of a Christ follower? In this short, accessible guide, theologian Sinclair Ferguson explains the importance of living worthy of the gospel, why the principle is often forgotten, and how it’s cultivated. Clarifying the difference between biblical obedience and legalism, Ferguson exhorts believers to pursue Christlikeness, offering practical examples from Scripture. The second book of the Growing Gospel Integrity series, Worthy helps Christians, students, pastors, and those preparing for ministry to live as citizens of heaven rather than citizens of the world.” (Buy it at Amazon or Westminster Books) -
A Field Guide on Gender and Sexuality
God’s design for gender and sexuality is fixed and unchanging. The way he created us is the way he means for us to live. The instruction he provides in the Bible is all we need to understand his purpose and live it out in a way that honors and pleases him. The wisdom he provides in the Word is all we need to understand how he made us and how he intends us to express our sexuality. God has spoken and it falls to us to believe and obey.
A Field Guide on
Gender and SexualityYet the world is confused about these matters and always has been. Such confusion varies from age to age and context to context, but what is universal is that every culture finds different ways to rebel against God and against his good design. Today’s confusion in the Western world—a confusion that inevitably impacts the church—centers around matters of identity. For that reason, matters of sex, gender, and identity are at the heart of a helpful new field guide published by Ligonier Ministries: A Field Guide on Gender and Sexuality.
A field guide is meant to offer a concise introduction and explanation to a topic or area of study, and that is what this one accomplishes. It explains what the Bible teaches about gender, sexuality, and identity, and does so by following a question and answer format. Its 28 questions and answers are divided into four broad categories.
It begins with “Being Human” and answers questions about being made in the image of God, about the purpose of sex, about the right to personalize an identity, and about the number of genders and the distinctions between them. It then advances to “Homosexuality and Transgenderism” where it answers whether same-sex attraction is a sin (or only acting on it), distinguishes between gender dysphoria and transgenderism, considers the term “gay Christian,” and tells whether Christians with same-sex attraction can expect their desires to diminish (or even transform) as they grow in sanctification.
In the third section, the questions turn to matters of “Events and Associations.” Can I attend a gay wedding? Can I attend the wedding of a Christian to a non-Christian? Is it acceptable to use a person’s preferred pronouns? How do we know whether something is a matter of conscience or a clear teaching of Scripture? The final section, “The Gospel and Love” offers hope for sexual sinners of all kinds, explains the nature of true compassion, and tells how to serve fellow Christians who are struggling with same-sex attraction. It covers all this in a concise format and a mere 112 pages.
Because the guide is written from the unified perspective of a particular ministry, it offers a lot of unambiguous and unapologetic “yes” and “no” answers. Yet these are always explained and defended from Scripture. There are areas of any discussion of these matters that begin to move from what the Bible clearly prescribes to matters where Christians may have some disagreements on the basis of conscience, and for this reason, I appreciate the section on conscience and this helpful guidance: “Something is a matter of conscience when it is not forbidden by Scripture explicitly or not forbidden implicitly by good and necessary deductions from Scripture.”
Yet almost by definition, people will disagree about whether a particular issue is forbidden in that way. Thus it would have been helpful to me if there had been a question that asked something like this: How should Christians relate to one another when they disagree about whether a particular issue is a matter of conscience or a biblical decree? At what point do we believe that another person is so wrong that we need to pull back from formal or informal associations? This, I think, is going to be one of the pressing challenges of the next few years. I believe the church will eventually come to be unified on most or all of these matters—our consciences will more and more come into line as we commit ourselves to the Scriptures and the work of the Spirit—but there will first be a time of some uncertainty. I long for us, as a church, to navigate that in-between time well.
Ligonier’s A Field Guide on Gender and Sexuality is a helpful, timely, and valuable resource and one that offers sound answers to urgent questions. It is priced very reasonably which makes it ideal to purchase in bulk and distribute widely. To young and old alike, it will prove a trusted guide to some of today’s most pressing issues. -
A La Carte (October 30)
Good morning. Grace and peace to you.
Today’s Kindle deals include as massive list from Zondervan. Don’t miss it!
(Yesterday on the blog: The Secret of a Blessed, Useful Life)
What Do Israel’s Food Laws Have to Do with Our Holiness?
“When we get to Leviticus in our Bible reading plans, how many of us read every word of chapter 11? It’s not most people’s idea of engaging literature. The Lord provides a long list of which animals were ritually pure and which were ritually impure. The pure ones could be eaten; the impure ones couldn’t. If we do make it through the list, one of the first questions we ask is ‘Why? What makes an animal pure or impure?’ Interpreters have ventured various guesses.”
Avoiding Quick Repairs in Counseling
This article encourages Christian counselors to resist the temptation toward quick repairs.
Is creation worth fighting about?
“In the creation vs. theistic evolution debate, there are a lot of Christians who aren’t prepared to pick a side. They aren’t loyal to 6 days or billions of years, perhaps believing they need a theology or science degree to be qualified to take a stand. They don’t want to be forced to pick one team over the other. However, when the question is ‘Does this matter?’ then not picking a side is still picking a side. Refusing to choose is only legitimate if this is no big thing. So is it really no big thing… or is it huge?”
50+ Free Teaching Series in the Ligonier App
The Ligonier Ministries app lets you carry a theological library wherever you go. More than 50 teaching series are available to stream for free. And for a limited time, app users can freely stream Jason Helopoulos’ new series, Created for Worship. If you haven’t already, make sure you update the app to unlock helpful new features. Now you can search Ligonier’s deep library to find biblical teaching even more easily. (Sponsored Link)
A Letter to the Anxious Christian
Blake has a letter to the anxious Christian. That probably describes all of us from time to time…
Does Jesus tell us we “can’t get no satisfaction”?
John Beeson: “Sexual sin begins with our heart and moves to our imagination and only then to our actions. There was never a person in the history of the world who committed sexual sin who didn’t initiate that sin in his heart and then his imagination.”
What Does Using ChatGPT Look Like for Christians?
Writing for TGC India, Akshay Rajkumar writes about ChatGPT. “Yesterday’s science fiction is today’s reality. Such power is too wonderful for us, too lofty for us to contain. What are we to make of it? What does wisdom look like in a world of increasing artificial intelligence? How should Christians think about using ChatGPT?”
Flashback: Why Are You Friends with Your Friends?
When there is benefit to be gained by our associations we gladly proclaim people our friends. But when that association threatens to bring us shame, we quickly deny them. Why?The very easiest way to give resurrection to old corruptions is to erect a trophy over their graves; they will at once lift up their heads and howl out, “We are alive still.” —C.H. Spurgeon