Same-Sex Attraction, Sin, and Redemption: A Church Leader’s Story
The pastor to whom I had confessed my sin years earlier has walked with us through many rough times; I am grateful that he is still my pastor today. He loved me, and he showed up as the hands and feet of Christ when I did not think myself worthy of God’s love.
“Godly husband, godly father, godly leader in the Church.” That was how I so wanted to be perceived by others, but it was a lie, and I hated myself because of it. The truth was that, for decades, I had struggled with sexually addictive behaviors: masturbation, pornography, and—eventually—binges of phone sex with other men. This was a secret that I was once convinced I would take to my grave because, if anyone knew the truth of who I was, I was sure I’d be despised, rejected, and abandoned by all, including my wife and children.
The fact that I struggled with sexual brokenness isn’t surprising, especially in light of my story and the fact that I have a sinful nature and live in a fallen world. I grew up in a Christian home with godly parents, but I carried a deep wound. My dad excelled in whatever he did, and others fully expected me to follow in his footsteps, but what he excelled in was not what I wanted to pursue. Indeed, I avoided his world because I feared that I might fail and be rejected by him and others. And so any deep connection with my dad was absent. He didn’t give me the physical touch, the play, the frequent affirmation that I so desperately wanted and needed.
A therapist said to me decades later, “You were a nine- or ten-year-old boy, walking across an emotional desert, desperate for a drink of water, and you found one. It just happened to be from a polluted well.” The polluted well was the attention of an older neighborhood boy who introduced me to sexual activity. This would set in motion a decades-long history of struggle with same-sex attraction and sexual acting out. While I was still attracted to women, there was always the pull of the other that produced overwhelming guilt, toxic shame, and repeated, desperate calls to God to remove this despised thorn.
My early sexualization was punctuated by two other traumatic events during adolescence. When I was 14, my dad invited a 24-year-old man with whom he had a professional relationship to spend the night—to share my room—when this man was in town for a special event. Little did my dad or I know that the conversation this man engaged me in after the lights were out would quickly turn sexual and would lead to sexual activity that left me devastated with guilt and shame. Similarly, a sexual encounter with a predatory college professor at age 18 would also reinforce the extent of the brokenness I felt.
During my time in professional school, I fell in love with a wonderful Christian woman, and we married soon after. Finally, I thought; surely marriage would fix me. Marriage was what I needed in order to quit doing the things that brought so much pain. And it did work, for a while. But, gradually, the same old sexually addictive behaviors crept back into my life. I told myself that I was only trying to reduce the stress resulting from my job.
I thought that once we had children, I would stop. I would have to stop. But the children came, and my sin didn’t stop. Against a backdrop of frequent masturbation and binging on pornography, I kept trying to find a way to stop, believing that God and I could sort this out, that no one else needed to know.
When I was in my mid-30s, my family and I were members of a small, reformed church in the Midwest. I was approached about serving as an elder. I resisted at first, feeling like a hypocrite, but after repeated overtures from the pastor and a godly man on the church’s session, I agreed to have my name placed before the congregation. I told myself that if I were elected to the office of ruling elder, I would have to stop doing what brought so much guilt and shame. I was elected to the office of ruling elder and ordained, but, much to my disappointment, the miraculous healing I was seeking did not materialize. It was not long before I was engaging in the same old addictive patterns, at times contemplating whether suicide wouldn’t be a better alternative.
And so the pattern was set, and the decades passed. Where was God in all of this? Why wouldn’t he remove this thorn? I became more and more convinced that there might not be any hope for me, disregarding all that I had been taught throughout my life about God’s faithfulness. In my early 40s, my wife and I were in a new city as a result of my work, and the evidence of God’s faithfulness to me began to take form, although I would not see that until years later. My wife, while serving on the missions committee of the church in which I was also serving as a ruling elder, came across a request for support from Harvest USA. I can remember her saying while she was reading the literature, “This is the most grace-filled, redemptive approach to helping individuals escape their bondage to sexual sin that I have ever seen.” I was intrigued and began reading it myself. I found a modicum of hope, but I was still too prideful to confess my sin to my pastor or my wife.
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Principles to Remember in Crisis: God’s Immediate Purposes Are Not Always Knowable
It is impossible for us to discern exactly why anyone goes through crisis. Instead, we need to do two things: 1) Trust God and 2) Consider our own hearts to see if we are right with God.
Recently in the first post of this series, we revealed that the Apostle Paul provided two vital steps to persevere in trials or crisis. The first step, in a world with false teachers, false belief systems, and false hope, the Apostle reminds us to stand firm in what we know. The second step is to hold fast the traditions which we have been taught or learned from the Word. We simply identified those steps as: (1) Remember key principles and (2) Obey practical steps to encourage our perseverance.
This is our fifth principle to remember.
God’s Immediate Purposes Are Not Always Knowable (Luke 13:1–5; John 9:1–3).
Using the story of Lazarus, Mary, Martha, and Jesus, we discussed the fact God allows circumstances for His purposes (John 11). Here’s the snag: God’s immediate purposes are not always knowable. We both understand and believe that God does have a purpose in everything. If for no other purpose, God uses circumstances to help us grow in Christlikeness (which will be discussed later). Outside of that, we do not know all the particulars in any particular situation. Throughout the Bible, we see evidence that this is true. One of the more known examples of this being the case is Job in the Book of Job. As far as we know, he never knew what was truly going on – an incredible story of conflict between God and Satan for the glory of God.
Luke, in his gospel account, explains a lesser known story in this scene between Jesus and his disciples for us:
Now there were some present at that time who told Jesus about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mixed with their sacrifices. Jesus answered, “Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered this way? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish. Or those eighteen who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them—do you think they were more guilty than all the others living in Jerusalem? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.” (John 13:1-5)
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Dear Church Member: Don’t Amputate Yourself from the Body of Christ
I’ve never been the type of person who enjoys horror-thriller movies. If I am going to use what little free time I have enjoying a film, I can assure you it will not be one riddled with gory images of people screaming and writhing in pain.
However, there is one horror movie I can vaguely recall moments from: Saw. I specifically remember a scene where a shackled man was forced to amputate his foot in order to hopefully save his family. The brutal nature of the scene has a way of forcing the viewer to wrestle with what they might do in the same situation.
The Importance of Every Member in the Body of Christ
Of all the different parts of creation the Lord has blessed us to see and study, the human body might be the most glorious. The body works like a well-oiled machine, delivering blood to the right places at the right time, delivering sweat when we are overheating, and even sensing pressure changes in a room when a door opens. But of all the mind-blowing things our bodies can do, I find most fascinating the body’s ability to heal. Even a deep cut, if properly treated, may months later appear as only a tiny scar.
But an amputation is quite different than a cut, even a bad cut. That man in the movie Saw won’t grow back his foot.
In 1 Corinthians, it is no coincidence that Paul precedes his well-known remarks on love with a discussion of the value of each member of the body of Christ. For the sake of unity and diversity in the church, Paul extols the value of every single person in a local body. In 1 Corinthians 12:21 he begins by showing how absurd it is for one part of the body to say it doesn’t need another part. This is why amputation from the body of Christ has such tragic consequences. Needed limbs don’t grow back.
Sometimes, however, a church situation might get so bad that a member could be tempted to think that amputating themselves from the body might be the best (or only) solution—to just cut away and be done. Perhaps in a terrible abuse situation, this is what should happen.
But what if you’ve experienced hurt or disappointment to the degree that you considered walking away from the church the Lord called you to love and serve? Or what if you just felt your role in the church is so insignificant that no one would even know you left? -
Rest Upon the Pillow of God’s Promises
When our hearts and minds are restless and raging, we need help. It’s challenging to reason with ourselves when the boat of our mind is taking in the water of our emotions. Like the storm in the Sea of Galilee, we can only see the storm in front of us. The omnipotent Savior resting is eclipsed by our clear and present danger. We need to hear the words of the one who can calm the raging sea within us (Mark 4:35–41). Our access to this transforming power is the Word of God. More specifically, the promises of God in his Word. We need to hear, believe, cling to, and rest upon God’s promises.
Life has no shortage of problems. Jesus reminds his disciples to expect trouble (Jn. 16:33) and that each day has enough trouble of its own (Matt. 6:34). During these times, rest seems like the furthest thing from our minds. However, suggesting it sounds almost as foolish as curling up for a nap while a tornado siren goes off.
But this is precisely what we need to do.
How? Here’s a brief encouragement: a picture, a story, and a memory device.
A Picture: Rest on the Pillow of God’s Promises
When our hearts and minds are restless and raging, we need help. It’s challenging to reason with ourselves when the boat of our mind is taking in the water of our emotions. Like the storm in the Sea of Galilee, we can only see the storm in front of us. The omnipotent Savior resting is eclipsed by our clear and present danger. We need to hear the words of the one who can calm the raging sea within us (Mark 4:35–41). Our access to this transforming power is the Word of God. More specifically, the promises of God in his Word. We need to hear, believe, cling to, and rest upon God’s promises. He is faithful, trustworthy, and unchanging. When the storm is flooding in and threatening to capsize you, rest your weary head upon the pillow of God’s promises. It’s your only hope, and it’s your best option.
When the storm is flooding in and threatening to capsize you, rest your weary head upon the pillow of God’s promises.
A Story: Jacob
In Genesis 35:1, God instructs Jacob to go to Bethel. Why? He’s lingering in Shechem because he’s afraid after the Dinah incident (Gen. 34:30). More specifically, God promised to bring him back to Bethel (Gen. 28:15) and Jacob himself vowed to go (Gen. 28:19–22). God is telling him to live in faith because God is faithful. So Jacob goes back to Bethel and sets up an altar to God. But then, God appears to him again and reminds Jacob of two significant events in his life (Gen. 35:9–15).
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