Not every relationship works out. Not every couple who begins dating ends up getting married. Neither should they. In fact, for a dating relationship to be healthy, there must be a way out. As Sam Andreades says, “If you are not able to end a dating relationship, you should never start one.” And so, “Before the day you say I do, you always have to be able to say, I don’t. In your heart, you must be able to not date, even if you really want to.”

In his book Dating with Discernment he offers seven steps to breaking up well.
Break up with bravery. To break up bravely is to determine that you will not remain in an unhealthy or unworkable relationship out of fear or cowardice. If the relationship is simply not working, not enjoyable, or not progressing, the brave thing is to call it off.
Talk in person. Though this may seem obvious in the abstract, in the moment it can seem easier to end things in a way in which you do not need to face the other person. Yet we are always called to treat people with love and this will most often mean refusing the temptation to break up by text message or phone call; it will most often mean breaking up face to face.
Honor the other person with gratitude. As you break up, it honors the other person to affirm them and express gratitude for them. And there will almost always be a number of ways to encourage them and express thankfulness. Though a breakup will probably require expressing some of the other person’s weaknesses and faults, there is no reason it shouldn’t also express some of their strengths and graces.
Be direct. You ought to be humble, of course, but humility does not require hiding or obfuscating the real reasons you don’t wish to continue the relationship. Don’t ghost the other person and don’t fail to tell the truth about why the relationship is not working out.
Deliver a vision of hope. It can be wise and good to include a vision of a brighter future for the other person. Though you will need to guard against sounding trite, “It is not insincere to express hope for his life, or to describe your faith in God about her, if you really do believe that there is a better plan for both your lives.”
End it with definiteness. A breakup ought to be a breakup. For sake of clarity and out of love for the other person, it is usually best to end the relationship with a kind of definiteness that means you will not keep texting as you did before or keep seeing each other as “just friends.” It could be best to agree not to be in contact for an agreed-upon number of months to help ensure the break is clean and that there is no confusion.
Take time to heal. A breakup could be very easy on you or very hard. You could breathe a sigh of relief or you could be emotionally devastated. At the very least it is bound to be a disappointment. Proverbs says “Hope deferred makes the heart sick,” and breaking up means you are deferring the hope of marriage. It is important, then, to give yourself some time to grieve and your heart some time to heal.
Though these steps don’t cover every person or every circumstance, they are wise guidelines that can help you end relationships in a way that honors God and expresses love for that person you cared about, but simply couldn’t marry.

Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians!

Today’s Kindle deals include several volumes of the excellent Preaching the Word series of commentaries (which are ideal for devotional reading or sermon preparation or anything in between).
(Yesterday on the blog: Seasons of Sorrow Application Questions & Group Study Guide)
When My Iranian Friend Took Mohler’s Parking Spot
This one gave me a laugh. “‘Hi, this is campus po-lees,’ began the thick Kentucky accent. ‘Are you A.W.?’ ‘I am. Is everything OK?’ I replied, suddenly nervous. ‘Well… I got an Eye-rain-eeun here who says he’s comin’ to your place, but I caught him parkin’ in the president’s parking spot.’”
Gather to Grow
Karen tells of how she left the local church and what eventually brought her back.
Hearts Painted by the Word Again and Again
“The job of painting the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco is never-ending. I heard once that they paint it end-to-end, but by the time they get to the end—however many years that may take—it is time to start over.” This leads to a helpful reflection.
The Reformation Ideal of Marriage
Michael Haykin: “Our memory of what took place during the sixteenth-century Reformation has been somewhat selective. As heirs of Reformed Protestantism, we have remembered it chiefly as a recovery of the gospel and the biblical way of worship. But we also need to recall it as a great recovery of the biblical understanding of marriage.”
Offers of Safety Are Not Always Safe
“When my children were young, I thought the best way to protect them from the evils of the world was avoidance. And that may be true for the very young. But as they grew up, I realized they were going to be young men out in the world some day. It would be better to teach them what was right and wrong with the things they would face.”
Reading Across the Chapter Breaks in 2 Timothy
This article reminds us that chapter breaks in the Bible are not original and sometimes very unhelpful.
Flashback: Rule #5: Ponder the Brevity of Life (8 Rules for Growing in Godliness)
Even the greatest believers will still be laden by sin as they cross the finish and receive their crown. The holiest saints will still be stained with sin, drawn to evil. It is only in the presence of Christ where they will experience final deliverance from the power of sin and final transformation to complete holiness.

The man who measures himself by the size of his bank balance will never have enough money to seem big in his own eyes. —Al Stewart

The God of love and peace be with you today.

There are a couple of new Kindle deals today. And check out yesterday’s as well if you didn’t catch them then.
Maturing Toward Childlikeness
“It may seem counterintuitive, but Christian growth is a gradual downward movement toward the maturity of childlikeness. Have you ever met a Christian in their later years whose eyes sparkled bright with life? That is a person growing toward childlikeness of heart, not away from it.” What an interesting reality…
Pilgrimage to Dust
Of course we also just plain grow older and experience what comes with aging. “As saints united to Christ by faith, we follow after our Savior. Our bodies will continue to weaken in this life as we walk each day closer to death, but our story doesn’t end there either. Because of Christ’s death and resurrection, we know we too walk towards something greater.”
Are We Facist? Yes, We Absolutely Love Faces!
“Thursday morning met us with a new addition to our church sign. Someone had given up some of their evening to spray paint ‘Facist’ across the front.” Did you spot the typo?
Abraham was justified before Jesus’ incarnation. Is faith in Christ necessary for justification?
“Abraham was justified by faith long before Jesus’ incarnation. Is it necessary that our faith be in Christ specifically?” This video answers the question.
My Reconstructed Faith
“What I don’t often hear are stories of those who have reconstructed their faith. Since I couldn’t find many, I thought I would offer my own story of reconstruction after I abandoned Christianity for progressive Christianity.” Philip Ryan traces his journey past deconstruction.
A Declaration of Dependence
Aimee Joseph: “I am incredibly grateful for and deeply benefit from the Declaration of Independence penned by Thomas Jefferson; however, my soul needs to be stamped with deeper declaration daily: a declaration of dependence.”
Flashback: 5 Cautions for Your Spiritual Disciplines
Don’t read the Bible so you can Instagram your devotions or humblebrag about it on Twitter. Examine your heart to ensure you are using the spiritual disciplines for the noblest of purposes, which is to know and honor God.

In our idolatry we make gifts out to be supreme goods, and make the Giver into the errand boy of our desires. —David Powlison